DOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSsion reporter in his native Yorkshire before 0801Nbecoming anchor of Calender, Yorkshire Television's daily teatime news 0801Nprogramme. It was while working in the latter position that Richard got his 0801Nnational TV debut ... though not in the best circumstances! 0801N 0801N 1625Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00C5NNever Work With Children and Animals! 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NRichard's first national TV appearance was on Dennis Norden's humorous 0801Nout-takes programme, It'll Be Alright On The Night. The clip of Whiteley 0801Nbeing attacked by a vicious ferret is still popular with television 0801Naudiences. 0801N 0801N 1625Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00C5NCountdown beckons 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NRichard's employers, Yorkshire Television, were commissioned by the new 0801NChannel 4 organisation to provide a daily quiz programme. Channel 4 was to 0801Nrevolutionise British television by providing up-market content for an 0801Neducated minority audience. Obviously, Yorkshire thought, we will need a 0801Npresenter who will appeal to the educated palate - a man who mix wit, wisdom 0801Nand irony with modesty and decorum. They soon realised that they already had 0801Nsuch a man on their books - their Calender anchor, Richard Whiteley! And so 0801Nthe Countdown story begins.... *!EOF C Records.ZOO«8 C AndyPengs.ZOO 0 ruby 15 0 1 0 561 0 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins01.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins02.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins03.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins04.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins05.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins06.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins07.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins08.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins09.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 -13 zoo#3b:pics/Penguins10.pic2 24 0 3 0 561 1 13 ganymede 24 0 3 0 561 1 *!EOM 29 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00J1Y00C2NIntroducing: 1501N 2421Y00F07titania24Y00C1NPenguins 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1206Y00C5NBy Andrew Hargreaves 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C6N(Scans by Jude) 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0811Y00J0Y00C1NThis issue the Zoo begins a new comic strip that will run for a bit (believe 0801Nme - I've seen the directory with all the IFFs in.) 0801N 1611Y00J1Y00C3N Andrew William Hargreaves 1997. 2417Y00F08ganymede24N 2401N 2401N 0824Y00F05sharp08Y00J0Y00C1NThe Penguins will be back again in the next issue of the Zoo (which will be 0801Nissue 4, which is 5 - 1 for those over the age of 5 foot 2 inches. My he's 0801Nwell hung. Hung like a sandwich that has been crucified to the plate and has 0801Nsince perished). 0801N 0811Y42C3Y55C1NHope this compensated for the loss of the Mr Far Slaps this issue. Jude 0801Ncouldn't hold his mouse down this time. 0801N 0806Y00S4NThink you can do better? Oh shit... well try. We need comics for the Zoo. 0801N 0801NThe name Andrew Honest Bill Hargreaves and Andy Billy 0801NHard-up-the-arse-no-greeves-ences are trademarks and as such should not be 0801Nabused. Anybody seen violating Andrew will be DNA tested by the oraficers of 0801Nthe local cunt stab larry or po-lice. *!EOF  wB@q+/IQ 4APICSmed1p &>lt{ ffontsp *!avantg  Α~!14 pNu  0` n bfhhHa@s8  <|(?@`L  T  ǁ? 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P&@ Qg8 kfA/-/N ./-aO $@ f",m,n4Nd LLN]NuNUH72&m >-<-:-,m,n(N|"m i0$H`JEf pC*Jg0*kfp+r*fBm+g <r k,m,n,N+@gj;| j <"< h ,m,n,N+@g>p0-2-4+/@ "/ N tr2-4-6*/@ N Z fJmf$ j(g J"S,m,n(N$@ f gRj,m,n(Nv `,m,n(NvBm`0- m$H0*kfp+r*fJGg+gJjg <r k,m,n,N+@glp0*"< J <r,m,n,N+@g>p0-2-4+/@ "/ NLr2-4-6*/@ N2 f/- // /-a2O$@ g `Rm0-FmpLLN]NuNUH0&m$m >-<- JC""";j Hr2/-Hx///-Hm/ a^OJfp0*Ѐ;@ Hr2/-B///-Hm/ a(OJfz*f20*H;@ Hr2/-B///-Hm/ aOJf@-g"A`Jg"A`6g @`$pL N]NuNUH2&m>-",;|$m RfPBm`<0- mC Y/ "@ m,k0N$_Fo ,0-;@Rm0-jm`Bm`n0- mC Y$@0(g(r2 </ "J$H m,k0N$_*`/ "J m,k0N$_*Fo ,0-;@Rm0- mhm0-J@kF m$H/- m// / aO/@Jg$m" g "J,k0N /`Bj0-J@j -LLN]NuNUH72&N+H mC""" m",k4N+@0-f;|AP/H$,k(NzA,k0N/@ JgD @C" Y"h/I,/ "AA$o0$j N$_* Ef o$,k(N / `\$mHx:/NbPOJg/HmNPO`$HzHmNPOA"$&<,k4NBm;|A"$<,k4N.Jgp"A$vNYfTp0- f@0-,Jg2 r,k(N:$@ g "$ &,k4Nְg"B ,k(N.",k4N+J fBm g There are many reasons why you shouldn`t eat DEAD 0901N animals, but eventually its up to you what you decide 0901N to chomp on at the dinner table. Personally, I like 0901N a good juicy melon, with fries. 0901N 0901N 0901N2> Whether you enjoy it orally, analy or the more 0901N regular method of reading the Zoo with your eyes I 0901N hope you get some pleasure out of this issue. I'm 0901N not saying reading the Zoo is equivilant to 0901N penetration, but... Perhaps I should quit while I'm 0901N ahead. 0901N 0901N 0901N3> Not that a family with three lesbian mothers and no 0901N Dad is disfunctional in any way of course, not, it 0901N would be a loving and happy family... er... shit... 0901N I'm going to get crucified by the local 'Right on' 0901N brigade for writing this... 0901N 0901N 0901N4> Helen Daniels produces sick literature and gruesome 0901N paintings of dead son in law Jim, 53 with no clothes 0901N on and longer hair and finger nails suggesting he has 0901N festered in his early grave. 0901N 0906Y00C1N 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00S4NAnd The Answers Are... 0806Y01C6N 0806Y00S0N1 - Melee discussing his enjoyment of none animalistic pleasures 0801N 0801N2 - Jude. Me enjoying The Zoo by myself 0801N 0801N3 - Fishboy commenting on social issues regarding the modern family unit in 0801N nineties Britain, with the aid of a box of Kleenex 0801N 0801N4 - Uncle Jack telling us why he'll be tuning in to the latest episode of 0801N Neighbours *!EOF AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 0806Y08C1NYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. *!EOF ( KPICSpL, PipEasy.ZOO 0 bookman 24 0 1 38407507 1 1298 0 13 ruby 12 0 2 41210506 1 1298 0 29 ruby 12 0 2 38010618 1 1298 0 43 ruby 12 0 2 27201011012096114121241150002411 4 1298 0 *!EOM 51 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00J1Y00C5NPip E.asy 2427Y00F08ganymede24Y00C6Y00S6NWriting by Pip E. 1513Y00F04ruby15N 1516Y00J0Y00C1Y00S0NRead this first: 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: I am Omar Reffe 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: You are O-mar? 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: I am he and he is me 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: O-mar Reffe? 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: It is written 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: Then you are truely O-mar Reefe 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: This is good 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: You are good O-mar Reefe 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: Yes I am Reefe and it is true 1211Y00C3Y04C5NTwo: Yes 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: ..Yes 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: Gin? 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: Yes 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: Soda? 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: Yes 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: Ice? 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: Yes 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: Stick? 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: ....Stick? 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: To stir 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: Stick... to stir I see 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: See? 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: I see 1211Y00C3Y04C5NTwo: Good, good 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: Yes I shall have a stick 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: Good 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: Thankyou 1211Y00C3Y04C5NTwo: No thankyou O-mar Reefe 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: I am Omar Reffe 1211Y00C3Y04C5NTwo: As you wish 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: Omar... wish? 1211Y00C3Y04C5NTwo: O-mar, but for what 1211Y00C4Y05C2NOne: I wish for...... 1211Y00C3Y04C5NTwo: Yes? 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: ...nothing 1211Y00C3Y05C5NTwo: Very good 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: As you say, yes 1211Y00C3Y04C5NTwo: Yes 1211Y00C4Y04C2NOne: Yes 3214Y00F05basic32N 3206Y00C6NNow read this: 2415Y00F06taurus24N 2411Y00J1Y00C7NEND 2401N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NIt is over *!EOF AAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 0806Y08C1NYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. *!EOF ( KPICSp3Y Confessions.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 3480-608 0 35 0 21 xfont 8 0 1 21807321 1 35 0 *!EOM 28 3219Y00F05basic32Y00C6NConfessions 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C5NBy Uncle Jack 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0811Y00C2Y00S4NHere are some geniune confessions I wish to make to you readers out there: 0806Y01S0N 0811Y00C3Y03C1N1. Whilst spending time in a small basement flat where the walls were thin, 0801N I could hear the couple next door having intercourse. As this went on 0801N most days I got very annoyed cause it was loud, so I decided to tape it 0801N one day and play it at full volume when the women left the house, so her 0801N male friend would think his girlfriend was `cuming` next door to have it 0801N off with me. A few days later I learnt the couple split up. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y03C1N2. I filled in these information forms in for some porn mags and put on 0801N people's addresses that I knew, who were `underage`. They just got 0801N bollocked of their mum and dad. I sent one to someone very religious, 0801N who due to this event threw their son out onto the streets. He is now 0801N living in cardboard city in the west end of London and allegedly gets 0806Y33C2N money from flaunting himself (I.E. Handjobs to Ex-Tory MPs such as David 0806Y27C1N Mellor and Jerry Hayes). 0801N 0811Y00C3Y03C1N3. When it was bonfire night I got the neighbours cat and shoved a large 0811Y10C7Y32C1N rocket up it's rear orafice. I lit the large rocket and saw the cat go 0801N ninety feet in the air, over the top of our house landing on the 0801N neighbour's roof. It subsequently died. A few months later it was found 0801N and the owner, an old woman was told of his death. She had a heart 0801N attack and died. It was my fault, but she had was an old bag anyway and 0801N I don't care. *!EOF YYYYYYYYYYYY. *!EOF ( KPICSpNuEditorial3.ZOO? 0 topaz 8 0 1 0 771 0 23 pcclone 8 0 4 0 516 0 48 pcclone 8 0 4 4800770900007709 2 1026 0 *!EOM 58 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6N+++++++++++++ 2426Y00F07titania24Y00J1Y00C1NIssue three editorial 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J0Y00C6N+++++++++++++ 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J1Y00C1NWritten by Jude/Pada 0806Y00C6N++++ 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00C4N 0801N Unbelieveable really isn't it? - That we've somehow managed to produce 0801Nthree whole issues of this magazine-cum-plaything. 0801N 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J1Y00C5N>><<>><<>><<>><< 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0N 0806Y00C4N You'll undoubtably already have noticed that this is much the same 0801Nmagazine system present in issue two, with (perhaps) a few minor `tweaks` 0801Nhere and there. The reasons for the lack of changes are due to the 0801Nunnecessary wait of over a year between the first two issues. This was 0801Nsimply unacceptable and I'm sure a few of you, including our own dear Fish 0801NBoy, thought that The Zoo would flounder due to myself and Melee's wish not 0801Nto be huried. What it is to be lazy. 0801N 0801N If this issue appears a little rushed and ruff and ready then apologies as 0801Nit WAS a rush job. On the other hand we're just getting to grips with our 0811Y28C1Y39C4NPOWERFUL article editor `The Janitor` so some articles may look alot nicer 0801Nthan some of our previous `comedy` attempts. 0801N 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J1Y00C5N>><<>><<>><<>><< 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0N 0806Y00C4N Yet again I have to beg you for articles. We can just about cobble an 0801Nissue of The Zoo together by ourselves, but this often involves sacrificing 0801Nthe odd bit of quality and durable readability along the way. I've said it 0801Nbefore, but it is only fair to say that if you find anything of a readible 0801Nnature in The Zoo then it is nice for you to write articles in return and 0801Nshow positive support for the magazine this way. This is part of the ethic 0801Nof the sharing, anarchistic world of the public domain and the scene. 0801NContributing articles to The Zoo ensures the longevity of YOUR magazine - the 0811Y20S4Y53S0Nbasic rule of Karma: what goes around comes around... eventualy. 0801N 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J1Y00C5N>><<>><<>><<>><< 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00C4N 0801N I'd like to also direct your attention to our search for new Panda 0801Nmembers. In these troubled times Amiga owners should stick together to 0801Nsafeguard the interests of their machine and the Amiga community as a whole. 0801NAnyway read our recruitment article and think about it. 0801N 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J1Y00C5N>><<>><<>><<>><< 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00C4N 0801N The Zoo goes more mellow this issue as we try to establish a balance. In 0836Y41C6Y50C6Y50C2Y59C6Y63C4Y64C2Y70C4Nthe past we have lent rather towards the mocking, caustic, piss-taking angle. 0801NThis will, of course continue, but we also like to deal with issues which 0801Nrequire a higher IQ than the average `Slaphead gag.` Let's bring a bit of 0801Nmindless intellectualism to The Zoo. On the other hand, in many cases we've 0801Njust gone plain mad with our writing. Moo. 0801N 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J1Y00C5N>><<>><<>><<>><< 0801N 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00J0Y00C4N Thanks for looking. 0851Y00F07pcclone08Y00S1Y00C6Y67S0Y68C1Y68C6Y68S0Y68C1N Jude 1997 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00C6Y00S1N+++++++++++++ *!EOF , but she had was an old bag anyway and 0801N I don't care. *!EOF YYYYYYYYYYYY. *!EOF ( KPICSp Կw!l Catwoman.ZOO 0 microknight 24 0 1 0 65 0 18 sharp 8 0 3 0 65 0 39 sharp 8 0 3 0 36 0 61 microknight 8 0 4 21812018 1 36 0 *!EOM 76 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00J1NI Met Catwomen I Tell Ya! 1629Y00F05roman16Y00C4Y00S1Y00S1NA TRUE disection by 1611Y00C1Y00S0NDrew Feelgood 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00J0N 0826Y00C3Y25C5Y29C3Y47C5Y51C3NIs a feline more of a FE(MALE)line or more a feLION? It's not the every day 0801Nkind of question, but let's answer it anyway: 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NSUPPOSITION I> 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C3NA cat is not human. 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NSUPPOSITION II> 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C3NA cat, though is often classed as a femine beast. 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NSUPPOSITION III> 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C3NThere have been no recordings of a man impregnating a cat, or a tom cat 0801Nimpregnating a woman and either of the girl animals giving birth. 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NSUPPOSITION IV> 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C3NPictures in specialist Scandinavian magazines would suggest that point III 0801Nhas at least been attempted, with varying results. 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NSUPPOSITION V> 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C3NThere is no evidence that cat/human mutations can not take place, so 0801Ntherefore we must admit there is a possibility of the `Cat Woman' being a 0801Npossibility. 0801N 0806Y00C1NWhy all the suppositions? This is why: 0801N 0806Y00C3NThe following extract was published in a small town fanzine, with a claimed 0806Y69S4Nreadership of under 23 persons. The name of the 'zine in question: `Outer 0806Y09S0NDiz Vorld', which many readers will appreciate is a very funny pun kind of 0801Ntitle for a magazine, playing on the popular movie phrase "My, my that is... 0801NOUTER [out of] THIS WORLD!", only with a mock (as this is in no way fully 0801Ngenuine) german accent. The extract: 0801N 0801N 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00J1Y00C5NCAT OR WOMAN...CAT? 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0811Y00J0Y00C4NI don't claim to see aliens. I don't claim to see miracles. I have seen the 0801Nfuture of mankind. I saw a woman who was most different from ourselves. 0801NCuriously she was cat. Yes! A cat! 0801N 1624Y00F05roman16Y00J1Y00C5NCAT MUTATION? 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00J0N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C4NThe woman was sighted by myself and G.W. Eliss, lecturer in Mains physics at 0801Nthe university compound. The woman was on a hill on a dark, Tuesday night. 0801NApart from herself she was quite alone, with the exceptions of mine and Mr 0801NG.W. Eliss's presence, which I have already established. 0801N 0801NThe woman was a slight build with glowing green eyes and moggy paws and tail. 0801NThe woman was naked exceeding a thin layer of tabby fur about her neck, legs 0801Nand chest. The woman appeared to be half cat-like in form. 0801N 0801NG.W. Eliss was of the good fortune to have his camera to hand, but before he 0801Nwas able to bring the woman into focuss with his single reflex lense I 0801Nstumbled onto a small twig, producing a crick sound, in turn making the cat 0801Nwoman look towards our direction and then bound into the woodlands, perhaps 0801Nto forage for fresh animal meat, although this is supposition. 0801N 0801NWe have as yet, after many hours of utterly wasted stalking, failed to see 0801Nthis woman since, and we are no longer able to look for her due to a police 0801Nrestraining order that has been put on us by our neighbours. The Cat Woman 0801Nstory, it would appear, is closed. 0801N 0801N 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C3NWell what did you think of that? My immediate reaction was that the Cat 0811Y51C6Y63C3NWoman need not be lost for ever. With the help of the Wanderer readers, I 0801Npropose we scour the British Isles and the Isle Of White for the `Cat` until 0801Nwe have definitive proof she exists. I would appreciate your support and I 0801Npropose that any sightings or even further speculative material should be 0811Y61C6Y73C3Nposted in the form of an article or report right HERE within The Wanderer. *!EOF 07pcclone08Y00S1Y00C6Y67S0Y68C1Y68C6Y68S0Y68C1N Jude 1997 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00C6Y00S1N+++++++++++++ *!EOF , but she had was an old bag anyway and 0801N I don't care. *!EOF YYYYYYYYYYYY. *!EOF ( KPICSp A Cyber.ZOOI 0 taurus 24 0 1 0 274 0 22 xfont 8 0 1 0 545 0 47 xfont 8 0 1 0 530 0 72 xfont 8 0 1 21010504 1 290 0 *!EOM 80 2440Y00F06taurus24Y00C3Y02C4Y04C3Y07C4Y09C3NCyber Cafe 1625Y00F06taurus16Y01C4Y03C3NJude 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0816Y00C1Y25C4Y36C1NHow many of you have seen Cyber Cafe? Probably a fair few, because from what 0801NI can work out having an interest in computers often also guarantees a 0801Ntendancy to insomnia. If you haven't seen the show it's on (at least for the 0821Y11C5Y16C4Y33C3Y39C1Nmoment) on ITV, Saturday morning 2.40am, a rough diamond trapped between a 0801Nmass of shite which masscarades under the equally shite title `Televison with 0801NAttitude` or some such thing. 0801N 0811Y00C4Y10C1NCyber Cafe isn't great, but then again, at this soughta time in the morning 0801Nwhat is? Somehow crap TV is much more watchable at this kinda time, making 0801Naverage telly, such as the caff good stuff. 0801N 0811Y55C4Y65C1NThe show is, perhaps not suprisingly based in a London Cyber Cafe, where the 0801Nproceedings are conducted on a shoestring budget. The presenters are the 0801Nrather well named Wingham Rowan and (the utterly-betterly named) Anna Damski. 0801NWingham is the main chap, who at first may appear boring, but is capable of 0801Nsuprises the viewer with his refreshing views. He is a good presenter and it 0801Nsays alot about today's ITV that he's on screen in the gaveyard slot. Anna 0801NDamski is your typical internet stereotype. She might be a woman, but in 0801Nevery other respect she fits the `I love Star Trek`, `I am an obssesive` 0801Ncategory. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but luckily she's been 0801Nsidelined to hunting about on the web for bizare stuff. Anna's screen time 0801Nis minimal as she searches out net material that the crew have `dared` her to 0801Nfind. This usually means she has to find `the most obscene sex aids`, `the 0801Nbiggest human growths`, `the best bodily enchancers` or something equally as 0801Nwatchable. 0801N 0801NUnlike, say `The net` on BBC 2 which is like Tommorows World (not the golden 0811Y01C7Y27C1N`Bob Symes Golf Ball Gadget` years - the shit `Judith Hann Cancer Treatment` 0811Y42C4Y52C1Nyears) and can be tedious in the extreme, Cyber Cafe knows it's audience. 0801NThis is because Rowan is a producer who suggested making the show after his 0801Nteam found interest in browsing the net. Everyone on the show (except the 0801Ncelebrity guests) are all net addicts and it shows. 0801N 0801NThe first shows were great dealing with porn, privacy, UFOs and the like, 0801Nthen it sagged a bit as it ran out of ideas, tackling worthwhile issues like 0801Ndisability etc. The problem with these shows was that although it was 0801Nimportant to raise these kind of issues it wasn't particualy relevent to the 0801Ninternet theme as a whole. The programme's back on form now, though, with 0801Nprostitution on the net (with special guest Cynthia Paine), Political 0801Nscandals and coverups and some classic episodes such as the wife swapping 0801Nspecial and, more recently the sexually naive man looking for a Russian 0801Nbride. It sounds like depraved vouyerism and to some extent it is, but these 0801Nissues are tackled with intelligence and without exploiting the guests. 0801NRemember the internet itself is about voyeurism and that is why so many 0801Npeople enjoy it - because they can leave the, often irrational hang-ups that 0801Nthe material world has towards these weighty issues (like those listed above) 0801Nbehind when they log on. 0801N 0801NA highlight of the show, for me is the `Best and Worst of the net`, which is 0821Y13C6Y17C1Y21C2Y27C1Npresented by Dan and Jeremy. Now this might be the wrong way round, but I 0801Nthink Jeremy gets to hunt out a decent web site - usually something boring, 0801Nbut informative and useful, such as weather forecasts, manifestos, libraries 0801Netc. Some of this info could come in handy, but the sites that people are 0801Nmore likely to visit after watching this item are the ones that Dan brands 0801N`worst`. These include such monstrosites as quasi-religious sign-ups and 0801NCapri photo galleries. The numbers are on the bottom for anyone with access 0801Nto call up so slagging a site off actually provides publicity for it! 0801N 0801NJust cause you don't have internet access doesn't mean you shouldn't watch 0811Y00C4Y10C1NCyber Cafe. I myself rarely use the net (but this is set to change) and I 0801Nfind the programme interesting because it is informative, frivolous and 0801Ndifferent from other programmes based on similar themes. The programme 0801Nassumes no knowledge of the net putting up meanings on the screen when a new 0801Nword is brought into the conversation, thus making it essential viewing for 0801Nthose new to the world of modems and people who are thinking about purchasing 0811Y24C4Y34C1None. On the other hand Cyber Cafe is equally enjoyable for those who know a 0801Nthing or two, because unlike Amiga Format it is not patronising in nature and 0801Nit is not afraid to push it's viewers a bit - especially for this kind of 0801Ntime in the morning. 0801N 0801NSo next Friday have a good laugh out down the pub and then come back and 0806Y69C5Nstick the telly on. You can watch the bizare Craig Charles vehicle `The 0816Y00C6Y06C5Y12C1NFunky Bunker` which is so bad it can be good, and while your letting the 0801Nbeer wear off you can watch Baywatch, which doesn't require much thinking. 0801NBy twenty to three you should just about be in the mood for an edition of 0811Y00C4Y10C1NCyber Cafe. *!EOF Jude 1997 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00C6Y00S1N+++++++++++++ *!EOF , but she had was an old bag anyway and 0801N I don't care. *!EOF YYYYYYYYYYYY. *!EOF ( KPICSpʗ  Advertise.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 0 274 0 16 pearl 8 0 1 0 274 0 35 microknight 8 0 6 0 274 0 *!EOM 43 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C5NHOW TO ADVERTISE IN THE ZOO 1425Y00F06avantg14Y00C3Y00C6NJude 1401N 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C4NYou want free publicity? 1201N 1206Y00C3NYou want to be in with the `in` crowd? 1201N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C4NYou want get your name on the swappers' lists? 1201N 1206Y00C3NYou want to advertise in the Zoo then, brother? 1201N 1206Y00J0N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C1NYes you can advertise in the Zoo! Yes it is legal and yes it is free! But 0801Nthere are a few tiny terms and conditions and if you follow them it'll all be 0801Nsweet: 0801N 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00C5Y01C1N1> Swappers and small fry only. No global Megacorps, like those bastards at 0801N Sony who beg with us night and day for a place in our magazine. Well they 0811Y14C7Y47C1N can go and FUCK OFF and exploit someone else. If you've gotta fabbo cool 0801N group, though who want publicity then we're avalible to you allowing you 0801N to populate our sparse disk space with ads galore. 0801N 0816Y00C1Y00C5Y01C1N2> Yeah PD companies can adverise - I guess but, and this is merely a 0816Y52C4Y61C1Y64C4N point about good taste! - No PD companies called Raisan PD or Bobs PD 0806Y09C1N Shack thank you. Only PD houses with quality names should send in a 0811Y42C4Y55C1N glorious ad. Oh sod it, if your called MacHaggis PD you can still have an 0801N advert, what the hell, I mean swapper ads and group ads are what we want, 0801N but in reality we'll probably just bung anything in. 0801N 0811Y00C5Y01C1N3> We reserve the right to withdraw ads without notification. 1501N 1525Y00F11microknight08Y00C2NYou can send picture ads in upto 32 colours lowres, you know the SCORE. 1501N 1506Y00C6NText ads are 80 columns across (the same as articles) and if you wish them to 1501Nfit the screen height for one page (which would be nice for us), the adverts 1501Nlength should be no more than 24 rows down, allowing a taseful 8 point font 1501Nto be used so you can give us pretty ansi ads. 1501N 1524Y00F05pearl08Y00C5Y04C1NNote: If your going to send an advert we would appreciate at least one 1501N article as well, if it's possible. It's only polite. If you can't 1501N manage an article, well it's the thought that counts, but we are doing 1501N you a favour by accepting your advetisements for nowt. Thanks. *!EOF p\2 Periods.ZOO 0 ganymede 24 0 1 0 3327 0 22 prime 8 0 5 0 3327 0 *!EOM 33 2437Y00F08ganymede24Y00C2Y00C1Y00C3Y00C4NPeriods 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C6NJude The Obscene 0901N 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C5NGravel path it's just a laff, 0801Nyou know, don't you? It's another way, 0801Nanother easy lay to beat the shit, 0801Nout of your sanctamonious twinges, 0801Nwhat is this but nothing, too indiscipt, 0801Ntoo indiscreet, two timed and flat, 0801Nflat out so insatiable, 0801Nmy, my haven't we grown so small, 2 foot, 0801Nbest feet forward, march on tall, 0801Non a high across your face $, 0801NI like your friends it's a garbled waste, wasted, 0801Nbehind closed lines it comes, 0801Nagain to you a final chance to shine, 0801Nlike the moon and the stars, 0801Nall so cosmical, ha-ha-ha ha-ha. 0801Nha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha 0801Nha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. 0801Nha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha 0801Nha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. 0801Nha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha 0801Nha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. 0801Nha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha 0801Nha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. 0801Nha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha 0801Nha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. 0801Nha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha 0801Nha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. 0801Nha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha 0801Nha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. ha-ha-ha ha-ha. *!EOF s for nowt. Thanks. *!EOF p* 8R Pauper.ZOO 0 prime 8 0 1 37003708 1 1282 0 17 prime 8 0 1 0 1282 1 42 prime 8 0 1 02407107 1 1282 1 *!EOM 50 0814Y00F05prime08N 0806Y00C5NMule cannot be with us due to problems of a delicate, male nature, but let 0801Nthe poetry and merriment continue none-the-less as my good friend Triplejack 0801Nhas agreed to jam with me. 0801N Sincerely, Rigby 3214Y00F05basic32N 3201N 1630Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00C1Y00S4NA Pauper's Song 0929Y00F05prime09Y00C4Y00S0Y00C3NBy 0901NRigby + Triplejack 0901N 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C1NGive me some bread, 0801NI've gone four score years and never been fed, 0801NHelp me my friend, spare me some change, 0801NWhich I can put into piles - and duely arrange, 0801NI'm uptight, sexually, fetch me a bucket, 0801NSo I may carry my pail, I'll try not to `chuck it`, 0801NI'm miles from home, I require a donkey, 0801NHow dare you insinuate, I feel I must conk thee, 0801NBy chance do you have a baboon-like primate?, 0801NI belive, my good man, it is over yon gate, 0801NHere is the key to the bright chest of drawers, 0801NAnd I return you your dingy and spare set of oars, 0801NI'm after a woman, let's go out and hunt, 0801NAnd when we do find her we could play `Ker-plunk`, 0801NGive me some bread, some bread, not the wrong key, 0801NGet these loaves out my eyes, I'm blind, I can't see, 0801NAnd now my friend, let's fuck a monkey until it howls, 0801NRight up the stairs to it's monkey man bowels, 0801NHow much will it cost for a good 3 hour session?, 0801NAt college they pay 7.50 per lesson, 0801NPerhaps Sire you have a lolly-pop I might lick, 0801NAye, but only if you give me `the stick`, 0801NHere is a scarf you can clean up the mess, 0801NIt's all in the wrist and the way I caress, 0801NJ'aime Un Baton, S.V.P., 0801NPour mon ami, ..... ne jamais, 0801NWe're not chewing sir, no we're sucking, 0801NIt's not Tom sir, it's that rascal Huck Finn, 0801NRebeccas only in this class because she does bequest, 0801NThis topic causes good degrees of popular arrest, 0801NI need a glass of water for my lips are now quite parched, 0801NI think there may be break fluid upon our wheel arch, du, 0801Nde-du-de-da-rrr, oh-la-la-la-la, 0801NWas that a Freudian slip good sheep, or are you with my brotha`, 0801NOn the train or on the bus or in the double bed, 0801NI'm always there, with my son, giving damn fine head, 0801NSo whether your in The Zoo, the nursary, or glue factory, 0801NHave a song in your heart, a bounce in your step and a bed set out for three. *!EOF s. !LIBSp_v, Perfect.ZOO 0 avantg 14 0 1 0 561 0 22 prime 8 0 6 46210714 1 561 1 *!EOM 33 1425Y00F06avantg14Y00C3Y00J1NMy Perfect Woman 0919Y00F05topaz09Y00C7NUncle Jack 0906Y00C5N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00J0NMy perfect woman must have: 1201N 0824Y00F05prime08Y00C4Y00J1NLong hair 0801NBlonde hair, it's all the same to me but they don't see what's inside 0801NLong legs 0801NStilettos 0801NShort skirt 0801NShort temper 0801N 0806Y00J0NIt'll do me! - At least........ I wish she would..... put me up against a 0801Ntree and let my seed flow, to start a whole new generation of Wannabies. 0806Y00C5N 1213Y00F04ruby12NBack to the plot: 1201N 0824Y00F05prime08Y00C3Y00J1NLeather top 0801NLeather dress, as long as it doesn't look a mess 0801NLong boots 0801NThigh boots 0801NKinky leather side boots 0816Y00C3Y11C6Y12C6NEverybodies doin` it 0801Ndoin` it 0801Ndoin` it 0801Ndoin` it 0801Ndoin` it 0806Y00C3NSee that kinky couple over there - I bet she has blonde pubic hair! 0801NShaven 0801NSmooth 0801NAs long as it doesn't burn, that's my concern 0801NSitting in an english garden in the shade. *!EOF s. !LIBSp(0 Parrot.ZOO 0 bookman 24 0 1 0 3818 0 19 xfont 8 0 2 21004206 1 3818 0 *!EOM 22 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C5NSOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE 2421Y00F07titania24Y00C6NFish Boy/Panda 1526Y00F04ruby15Y00F05xfont08N 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00C2NIn fits of extreme boredom you can read Teletext. Of special note is the 0801NEnvironmental Care Page, recently it featured an intresting article on 0801Nparrots (Note - this is all completely true, none of the following quotes 0801Nwere made up): 1213Y00F04ruby12N 0824Y00F05xfont08Y00C6Y70C2N"Neglected parrots can be a great danger both to human and themselves", it 0811Y06C6Y58C2Nsaid, "Cockatoos can seek release through self mutilation", it continued 0806Y11C6Namusingly. "One parrot we rescued was so depressed that it had lost all sense 0816Y10C2Y28C6Y43C2Nof reason", and finally the "coop de grace" (coop! coop! Geddit? - Sorry...): 0806Y00C6N"In the end we had to put it in solitary confinement, which for a parrot is 0806Y22C2Nas good as killing it". 0826Y00F04ruby12Y00F05prime08N 0819Y00F05xfont08Y47C6NOne part of the article worth noting was this: "Scientists have prooved that 0806Y60C2Nthe average parrot has the same IQ as a five year old child", surely this 0811Y13C6Y74C2Nshould read, "The average Teletext Journalist has the same IQ as a parrot", 0801Nor is that the same thing? I don't know about you but if I had a kid that 0821Y15C6Y33C2Y38C6Y63C2Ncould only say "cracker, cracker", and "Bill - eee, Bill - eee", then I'd 0801Nconsider sending him / her to special classes... *!EOF s my concern 0801NSitting in an english garden in the shade. *!EOF s. !LIBSp *      Soaps3.ZOO 0 ruby 12 0 1 0040570443006303 2 549 0 17 pearl 8 0 1 0 549 0 42 pearl 8 0 1 0 549 0 67 pearl 8 0 1 0 549 0 90 ruby 15 4 1 23802720 1 549 1 *!EOM 92 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 1201N 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C3NWhat's Been Happening In The Soaps III 1225Y00F04ruby12Y00F04ruby12N 1206Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 1201N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C4Y00S1NUncle Jack & Jude 1518Y00F04ruby12Y00S0N 1506Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0836Y00J0Y00C6Y03C1Y04C4Y23C1Y29C4Y45C1N1> David `Bing` Crosby get's Julia Brogan's assistance to lend a hand at 0801N filling his arse up with petral at the filling station 0801N 0811Y04C6Y28C1N Dave, rhyley comments: "Hey it's not called a filling station for 0806Y04C1N nothing! I hope this is 4 star!!!" 0811Y04C2Y23C1N Julia in turn says: "I hope this is unleaded." 0811Y03C6Y11C1N Dave: "Do I get any tiger tokens for this. Grrr!" 0811Y03C2Y10C1N Julia: "Calm down you wild beast." 0801N 0823Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0826Y00J0Y00C6Y03C1Y03C4Y15C1N2> Max Farnham starts work in a local school to be close to children. He 0801N starts sinking back into his old habbit of child abuse as the kids from 0801N Manor Park have to grin and bear (bare) it. 0801N 0811Y04C5Y25C1N The Headmaster says: "Don't you enjoy your outside activities with Mr 0801N Farnham?" 0801N A young boy replies: "But it's going in on the inside. HEY, NOT NOW!" 0811Y03C2Y12C1N Julia: "A bottle of Detol will sort that out Mr Farn-ham. My Aunt 0801N Rheeny swore by it." 0801N 0823Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0836Y00J0Y00C6Y03C4Y04C1Y25C1Y47C4Y54C1N3> Ron `Dicko` Dix Dixon tries to set light to Bing's petral station as a 0801N vendetta attack for lost street trade. After lighting a trail of petral 0801N Ron is dismayed (and dismembered) to witness David's arse going up in 0801N flames! 0801N 0811Y42C3Y69C1N In the words of `Wet, Wet, Wet, Wet's` Martin Pillow, Julia says: "I 0801N thought it was Guy Fawlkes night all over again." 0811Y03C6Y25C1N David notes, wittily: "...yes but I'm the spit." 0801N 0801N We would like to reassure readers that, luckily David Crosby does not die 0801N and just ends up in a box, with no arms and legs on a drip. Ron Dixon 0811Y32C4Y46C1N becomes a brain in a jar and Julia Brogan carries him around in her 0801N handbag. 0801N "I better not get him mixed up with my bottle of hormone replacement 0801N pills, Julia jokes, picking into his brain. 0801N 0823Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0826Y00J0Y00C6Y03C1Y11C4Y33C1N4> Fat boy Sinbad `Sin` Sweeney loses his testicles in a freak motoring 0811Y29C4Y47C1N accident at the hands of Suzanna Farnham's deadly school of driving. 0801N 0811Y03C4Y44C1N Sinbad whimpers in a high pitched voice: "It wouldn't be so bad to just 0801N lose one testicle, but to lose both my testicles." 0801N Max isn't concerned claiming that he has a spare of set of testies in 0801N France. 0821Y04C2Y17C1Y30C4Y41C1N Julia says: "I'll get my Aunt Rheeny to bring some from Birkenhead, when 0801N she comes to stay." 0806Y00J1N 0818Y00F04ruby12Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0819Y00F05pearl08Y01J0N 0826Y00C6Y02C1Y02C4Y04C4Y29C1N5> Rachel `Raaa-ch` Jordache has a lesbian romp with the girls in the house, 0811Y54C4Y59C1N inspired by sick fantasties about her dead sister, Beth. This episode 0801N will be broadcast at 11pm on Channel 4, due to it's explicit content. 0801N Channel 4 will also be issueing a series of special videos on this 0801N storyline, containing additional footage, to saucy for televison. 0801N 0806Y65C6N Catch cheeky Rachel (19) on the fantasy channel at weekdays. The 0806Y33C1N Liverpudlian minx comments: "I've been a very naughty girl, perhaps some 0801N viewers would like to phone me `up` and give me a good old digital 0801N spanking, with the modern wonders of television. I'd like that." 0801N 0801N Viewers of the Brookside omnibus should not dispair as a special before 0801N Watershed version of the show has been prepaired featuring a special 0821Y27C4Y40C7Y44C4Y62C1N story revolving around Julia Brogan and the Over 55s clubs annual Coffee 0801N morning. 0801N 0811Y04C2Y38C1N Saucey, shameless Julia comments: "Howdya like to finger my muffin, 0801N Vicar?" 0801N 0823Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0806Y00C3NWe hope you've enjoyed the Brookside special and we look forward to other 0816Y27C4Y58C1Y59C3Nforthcoming storylines like Mick `Michael` Johno-Johnson's visit to see Posh 0801NSpice at the Albert Docks and Richard and Judy come to play guitar medlies. 0806Y02J1N 0818Y00F04ruby12Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0801N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C1Y00S4NJimmy Corkhill will return. *!EOF ݃@ \E SkyRemast.ZOO 0 avantg 14 0 1 0 513 0 20 pcclone 8 0 3 0 513 0 41 pcclone 8 0 3 0 513 0 *!EOM 60 1425Y00F06avantg14Y00J1Y00C2NHOW TO BE A (digitally remastered) SKY CHEAT 3219Y00F05basic32Y00C1NBy Uncle Jack 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0821Y00J0Y00C1Y00S4Y00C5NThis article originally appeared in issue one of The Zoo, but suffered from 0801Nerrors and poor presentation, so here's a new, more stylish, improved version 0801Nfor the next millennium. 0811Y00J1Y00S0N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C4N-=-=-=- 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00C3N 0801NDo you have Sky, but are too cheap to pay for the better channels? Then 0801Ndon't sit around watching TNT and TV ASIA follow our simple guide to fooling 0801Nyour decoder: 0801N 0801NOkay so you don't have the cards you need for the better channels, but you 0801Ncan make them with the aid of simple household objects... 0806Y00J1N 0801N 1822Y00F08franklin18Y00C2N- SKY MOVIES - 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00C3Y02J0N 0801NMash up one banana, until wafer thin add a dab of tomato puree and a 0801Nsoupson of vinegar. Support with lolly sticks then bake at gas mark 4, or 0801Nuntil hard. Take it out of the oven, trim down excess banana and simply 0801Nslot it into the decoder. Simple and easy. 0801N 0806Y00J1N 1822Y00F08franklin18Y00C1N- SKY MOVIES GOLD - 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00C3N 0801NMuch the same as sky movies, but ensure all ingredients are about 40 years 0801Nold and black and white. 0806Y00J1N 0801N 1822Y00F08franklin18Y00C5N- SKY SPORTS - 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y02J0N 0811Y00C3Y45C5NCut a little section out of your England top (Scottish tops ensure BENGALE 0806Y13C3NBROADCASTING) and smear in treacle. Wrap tennis racket strings around (only 0801Nrackets retailing at 50 or over will work) and glaze in Ice Magic. Wrap 0801Nthis in a league table and put in decoder. 0801N 0801N 1827Y00F08franklin18Y00J1Y00C2N- THE ADULT CHANNEL - 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0N 0806Y00C3NGet a copy of Playboy Magazine and cut out a 10cm x 10cm portion of the 0801Ncentre spread (children - get a parents help using the sharp scissors). Fold 0801Nin half and stick with.... er .... selotape. Staple on a blow up sheep and 0811Y23C2Y49C3Nsome studded pants and thrust it into the decoder. Ensure your `card' does 0801Nnot move about inside as this may cause it to go off early. Now you can 0801Nenjoy 4 hours of classic TV (or 5 minutes if your decoder card `shoots' the 0801Npicture off prematurely). 0801N 0801N 0801NFor next time you'll need:- 0801N 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00C2Y02C3N A beer mat 0811Y00C1Y03C3N A traffic cone 0811Y00C5Y02C3N A police man's helmet 0821Y00C2Y01C3Y27C6Y51C3N A years subscription to Gardeners World Magazine... 0801N 0816Y00F07pcclone08N...and we'll show you how to get those dirty German channels you only ever 0801Ndreamed about. *!EOF come to play guitar medlies. 0806Y02J1N 0818Y00F04ruby12Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0801N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C1Y00S4NJimmy Corkhill will return. *!EOF G+p.-,+*)('&%$#"! -yHolmesNorwood1.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 529 0 10 roman 16 0 3 0 529 0 31 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 56 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 81 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 106 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 131 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 156 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 *!EOM 176 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 1601N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NExtracted from the novel: 1201NThe Return of Sherlock Holmes, A Collection of Holmes Adventures 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C5N 1614Y00F05roman16Nby 2416Y00F07bookman24NSIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE 2401N 2401N 2406Y00C3N 1614Y00F05roman16NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 1611Y00C4Y00C5NPart 1 1601N 1606Y00C1N 0814Y00F05pearl08N"From the point of view of the criminal expert," said Mr. Sherlock Holmes, 0801N"London has become a singularly uninteresting city since the death of the 0801Nlate lamented Professor Moriarty." 0801N 0801N"I can hardly think that you would find many decent citizens to agree with 0801Nyou," I answered. 0801N 0801N"Well, well, I must not be selfish," said he, with a smile, as be pushed back 0801Nhis chair from the breakfast-table. "The community is certainly the gainer, 0801Nand no one the loser, save the poor out-of-work specialist, whose occupation 0801Nhas gone. With that man in the field, one's morning paper presented 0801Ninfinite possibilities. Often it was only the smallest trace, Watson, the 0801Nfaintest indication, and yet it was enough to tell me that the great 0801Nmalignant brain was there, as the gentlest tremors of the edges of the web 0801Nremind one of the foul spider which lurks in the centre. Petty thefts, 0801Nwanton assaults, purposeless outrage-- to the man who held the clue all could 0801Nbe worked into one connected whole. To the scientific student of the higher 0801Ncriminal world, no capital in Europe offered the advantages which London then 0801Npossessed. But now----" He shrugged his shoulders in humorous deprecation of 0801Nthe state of things which he had himself done so much to produce. 0801N 0801NAt the time of which I speak, Holmes had been back for some months, and I at 0801Nhis request had sold my practice and returned to share the old quarters in 0801NBaker Street. A young doctor, named Verner, had purchased my small 0801NKensington practice, and given with astonishingly little demur the highest 0801Nprice that I ventured to ask--an incident which only explained itself some 0801Nyears later, when I found that Verner was a distant relation of Holmes, and 0801Nthat it was my friend who had really found the money. 0801N 0801NOur months of partnership had not been so uneventful as he had stated, for I 0801Nfind, on looking over my notes, that this period includes the case of the 0801Npapers of ex-President Murillo, and also the shocking affair of the Dutch 0801Nsteamship FRIESLAND, which so nearly cost us both our lives. His cold and 0801Nproud nature was always averse, however, from anything in the shape of public 0801Napplause, and he bound me in the most stringent terms to say no further word 0801Nof himself, his methods, or his successes--a prohibition which, as I have 0801Nexplained, has only now been removed. 0801N 0801NMr. Sherlock Holmes was leaning back in his chair after his whimsical 0801Nprotest, and was unfolding his morning paper in a leisurely fashion, when our 0801Nattention was arrested by a tremendous ring at the bell, followed immediately 0801Nby a hollow drumming sound, as if someone were beating on the outer door with 0801Nhis fist. As it opened there came a tumultuous rush into the hall, rapid 0801Nfeet clattered up the stair, and an instant later a wild-eyed and frantic 0801Nyoung man, pale, disheveled, and palpitating, burst into the room. He looked 0801Nfrom one to the other of us, and under our gaze of inquiry he became 0801Nconscious that some apology was needed for this unceremonious entry. 0801N 0801N"I'm sorry, Mr. Holmes," he cried. "You mustn't blame me. I am nearly mad. 0801NMr. Holmes, I am the unhappy John Hector McFarlane." 0801N 0801NHe made the announcement as if the name alone would explain both his visit 0801Nand its manner, but I could see, by my companion's unresponsive face, that it 0801Nmeant no more to him than to me. 0801N 0801N"Have a cigarette, Mr. McFarlane," said he, pushing his case across. "I am 0801Nsure that, with your symptoms, my friend Dr. Watson here would prescribe a 0801Nsedative. The weather has been so very warm these last few days. Now, if 0801Nyou feel a little more composed, I should be glad if you would sit down in 0801Nthat chair, and tell us very slowly and quietly who you are, and what it is 0801Nthat you want. You mentioned your name, as if I should recognize it, but I 0801Nassure you that, beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a 0801Nsolicitor, a Freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you." 0801N 0801NFamiliar as I was with my friend's methods, it was not difficult for me to 0801Nfollow his deductions, and to observe the untidiness of attire, the sheaf of 0801Nlegal papers, the watch-charm, and the breathing which had prompted them. 0801NOur client, however, stared in amazement. 0801N 0801N"Yes, I am all that, Mr. Holmes; and, in addition, I am the most unfortunate 0801Nman at this moment in London. For heaven's sake, don't abandon me, Mr. 0801NHolmes! If they come to arrest me before I have finished my story, make them 0801Ngive me time, so that I may tell you the whole truth. I could go to jail 0801Nhappy if I knew that you were working for me outside." 0801N 0801N"Arrest you!" said Holmes. "This is really most grati--most interesting. On 0801Nwhat charge do you expect to be arrested?" 0801N 0801N"Upon the charge of murdering Mr. Jonas Oldacre, of Lower Norwood." 0801N 0801NMy companion's expressive face showed a sympathy which was not, I am afraid, 0801Nentirely unmixed with satisfaction. 0801N 0801N"Dear me," said he, "it was only this moment at breakfast that I was saying 0801Nto my friend, Dr. Watson, that sensational cases had disappeared out of our 0801Npapers." 0801N 0801NOur visitor stretched forward a quivering hand and picked up the DAILY 0801NTELEGRAPH, which still lay upon Holmes's knee. 0801N 0801N"If you had looked at it, sir, you would have seen at a glance what the 0801Nerrand is on which I have come to you this morning. I feel as if my name and 0801Nmy misfortune must be in every man's mouth." He turned it over to expose the 0801Ncentral page. "Here it is, and with your permission I will read it to you. 0801NListen to this, Mr. Holmes. The headlines are: `Mysterious Affair at Lower 0801NNorwood. Disappearance of a Well Known Builder. Suspicion of Murder and 0801NArson. A Clue to the Criminal.' That is the clue which they are already 0801Nfollowing, Mr. Holmes, and I know that it leads infallibly to me. I have 0801Nbeen followed from London Bridge Station, and I am sure that they are only 0801Nwaiting for the warrant to arrest me. It will break my mother's heart--it 0801Nwill break her heart!" He wrung his hands in an agony of apprehension, and 0801Nswayed backward and forward in his chair. 0801N 0801NI looked with interest upon this man, who was accused of being the 0801Nperpetrator of a crime of violence. He was flaxen-haired and handsome, in a 0801Nwashed-out negative fashion, with frightened blue eyes, and a clean-shaven 0801Nface, with a weak, sensitive mouth. His age may have been about 0801Ntwenty-seven, his dress and bearing that of a gentleman. From the pocket of 0801Nhis light summer overcoat protruded the bundle of indorsed papers which 0801Nproclaimed his profession. 0801N 0801N"We must use what time we have," said Holmes. "Watson, would you have the 0801Nkindness to take the paper and to read the paragraph in question?" 0801N 0801NUnderneath the vigorous headlines which our client had quoted, I read the 0801Nfollowing suggestive narrative: 0801N 0801N"Late last night, or early this morning, an incident occurred at Lower 0801NNorwood which points, it is feared, to a serious crime. Mr. Jonas Oldacre is 0801Na well known resident of that suburb, where he has carried on his business as 0801Na builder for many years. Mr. Oldacre is a bachelor, fifty-two years of age, 0801Nand lives in Deep Dene House, at the Sydenham end of the road of that name. 0801NHe has had the reputation of being a man of eccentric habits, secretive and 0801Nretiring. For some years he has practically withdrawn from the business, in 0801Nwhich he is said to have massed considerable wealth. A small timber-yard 0801Nstill exists, however, at the back of the house, and last night, about twelve 0801No'clock, an alarm was given that one of the stacks was on fire. The engines 0801Nwere soon upon the spot, but the dry wood burned with great fury, and it was 0801Nimpossible to arrest the conflagration until the stack had been entirely 0801Nconsumed. Up to this point the incident bore the appearance of an ordinary 0801Naccident, but fresh indications seem to point to serious crime. Surprise was 0801Nexpressed at the absence of the master of the establishment from the scene of 0801Nthe fire, and an inquiry followed, which showed that he had disappeared from 0801Nthe house. An examination of his room revealed that the bed had not been 0801Nslept in, that a safe which stood in it was open, that a number of important 0801Npapers were scattered about the room, and finally, that there were signs of a 0801Nmurderous struggle, slight traces of blood being found within the room, and 0801Nan oaken walking-stick, which also showed stains of blood upon the handle. 0801NIt is known that Mr. Jonas Oldacre had received a late visitor in his bedroom 0801Nupon that night, and the stick found has been identified as the property of 0801Nthis person, who is a young London solicitor named John Hector McFarlane, 0801Njunior partner of Graham and McFarlane, of 426 Gresham Buildings, E. C. The 0801Npolice believe that they have evidence in their possession which supplies a 0801Nvery convincing motive for the crime, and altogether it cannot be doubted 0801Nthat sensational developments will follow. 0801N 0801N"LATER.--It is rumoured as we go to press that Mr. John Hector McFarlane has 0801Nactually been arrested on the charge of the murder of Mr. Jonas Oldacre. It 0801Nis at least certain that a warrant has been issued. There have been further 0801Nand sinister developments in the investigation at Norwood. Besides the signs 0801Nof a struggle in the room of the unfortunate builder it is now known that the 0801NFrench windows of his bedroom (which is on the ground floor) were found to be 0801Nopen, that there were marks as if some bulky object had been dragged across 0801Nto the wood-pile, and, finally, it is asserted that charred remains have been 0801Nfound among the charcoal ashes of the fire. The police theory is that a most 0801Nsensational crime has been committed, that the victim was clubbed to death in 0801Nhis own bedroom, his papers rifled, and his dead body dragged across to the 0801Nwood-stack, which was then ignited so as to hide all traces of the crime. 0801NThe conduct of the criminal investigation has been left in the experienced 0801Nhands of Inspector Lestrade, of Scotland Yard, who is following up the clues 0801Nwith his accustomed energy and sagacity." *!EOF J1N 0818Y00F04ruby12Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0801N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C1Y00S4NJimmy Corkhill will return. *!EOF /0G+BA@?>=<;:9876543210$HolmesNorwood2.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 529 0 9 bookman 24 0 3 0 529 0 30 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 55 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 80 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 105 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 130 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 155 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 *!EOM 178 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C3N 1213Y00F04ruby12NExtracted from the novel: 1201NThe Return of Sherlock Holmes, A Collection of Holmes Adventures 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C5N 2401Nby 2401NSIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE 2401N 2401N 2406Y00C3N 1614Y00F05roman16NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 1606Y00C5NPart 2 0819Y00F05pearl08Y02C1N 0801N 0814Y00F05pearl08NSherlock Holmes listened with closed eyes and fingertips together to this 0801Nremarkable account. 0801N 0801N"The case has certainly some points of interest," said he, in his languid 0801Nfashion. "May I ask, in the first place, Mr. McFarlane, how it is that you 0801Nare still at liberty, since there appears to be enough evidence to justify 0801Nyour arrest?" 0801N 0801N"I live at Torrington Lodge, Blackheath, with my parents, Mr. Holmes, but 0801Nlast night, having to do business very late with Mr. Jonas Oldacre, I stayed 0801Nat an hotel in Norwood, and came to my business from there. I knew nothing 0801Nof this affair until I was in the train, when I read what you have just 0801Nheard. I at once saw the horrible danger of my position, and I hurried to 0801Nput the case into your hands. I have no doubt that I should have been 0801Narrested either at my city office or at my home. A man followed me from 0801NLondon Bridge Station, and I have no doubt--Great heaven! what is that?" 0801N 0801NIt was a clang of the bell, followed instantly by heavy steps upon the stair. 0801NA moment later, our old friend Lestrade appeared in the doorway. Over his 0801Nshoulder I caught a glimpse of one or two uniformed policemen outside. 0801N 0801N"Mr. John Hector McFarlane?" said Lestrade. 0801N 0801NOur unfortunate client rose with a ghastly face. 0801N 0801N"I arrest you for the wilful murder of Mr. Jonas Oldacre, of Lower Norwood." 0801N 0801NMcFarlane turned to us with a gesture of despair, and sank into his chair 0801Nonce more like one who is crushed. 0801N 0801N"One moment, Lestrade," said Holmes. "Half an hour more or less can make no 0801Ndifference to you, and the gentleman was about to give us an account of this 0801Nvery interesting affair, which might aid us in clearing it up." 0801N 0801N"I think there will be no difficulty in clearing it up," said Lestrade, 0801Ngrimly. 0801N 0801N"None the less, with your permission, I should be much interested to hear his 0801Naccount." 0801N 0801N"Well, Mr. Holmes, it is difficult for me to refuse you anything, for you 0801Nhave been of use to the force once or twice in the past, and we owe you a 0801Ngood turn at Scotland Yard," said Lestrade. "At the same time I must remain 0801Nwith my prisoner, and I am bound to warn him that anything he may say will 0801Nappear in evidence against him." 0801N 0801N"I wish nothing better," said our client. "All I ask is that you should hear 0801Nand recognize the absolute truth." 0801N 0801NLestrade looked at his watch. "I'll give you half an hour," said he. 0801N 0801N"I must explain first," said McFarlane, "that I knew nothing of Mr. Jonas 0801NOldacre. His name was familiar to me, for many years ago my parents were 0801Nacquainted with him, but they drifted apart. I was very much surprised 0801Ntherefore, when yesterday, about three o'clock in the afternoon, he walked 0801Ninto my office in the city. But I was still more astonished when he told me 0801Nthe object of his visit. He had in his hand several sheets of a notebook, 0801Ncovered with scribbled writing--here they are--and he laid them on my table. 0801N 0801N"`Here is my will,' said he. `I want you, Mr. McFarlane, to cast it into 0801Nproper legal shape. I will sit here while you do so.' 0801N 0801N"I set myself to copy it, and you can imagine my astonishment when I found 0801Nthat, with some reservations, he had left all his property to me. He was a 0801Nstrange little ferret-like man, with white eyelashes, and when I looked up at 0801Nhim I found his keen gray eyes fixed upon me with an amused expression. I 0801Ncould hardly believe my own as I read the terms of the will; but he explained 0801Nthat he was a bachelor with hardly any living relation, that he had known my 0801Nparents in his youth, and that he had always heard of me as a very deserving 0801Nyoung man, and was assured that his money would be in worthy hands. Of 0801Ncourse, I could only stammer out my thanks. The will was duly finished, 0801Nsigned, and witnessed by my clerk. This is it on the blue paper, and these 0801Nslips, as I have explained, are the rough draft. Mr. Jonas Oldacre then 0801Ninformed me that there were a number of documents--building leases, 0801Ntitle-deeds, mortgages, scrip, and so forth--which it was necessary that I 0801Nshould see and understand. He said that his mind would not be easy until the 0801Nwhole thing was settled, and he begged me to come out to his house at Norwood 0801Nthat night, bringing the will with me, and to arrange matters. `Remember, my 0801Nboy, not one word to your parents about the affair until everything is 0801Nsettled. We will keep it as a little surprise for them.' He was very 0801Ninsistent upon this point, and made me promise it faithfully. 0801N 0801N"You can imagine, Mr. Holmes, that I was not in a humour to refuse him 0801Nanything that he might ask. He was my benefactor, and all my desire was to 0801Ncarry out his wishes in every particular. I sent a telegram home, therefore, 0801Nto say that I had important business on hand, and that it was impossible for 0801Nme to say how late I might be. Mr. Oldacre had told me that he would like 0801Nme to have supper with him at nine, as he might not be home before that hour. 0801NI had some difficulty in finding his house, however, and it was nearly 0801Nhalf-past before I reached it. I found him----" 0801N 0801N"One moment!" said Holmes. "Who opened the door?" 0801N 0801N"A middle-aged woman, who was, I suppose, his housekeeper." 0801N 0801N"And it was she, I presume, who mentioned your name?" 0801N 0801N"Exactly," said McFarlane. 0801N 0801N"Pray proceed." 0801N 0801NMcFarlane wiped his damp brow, and then continued his narrative: 0801N 0801N"I was shown by this woman into a sitting-room, where a frugal supper was 0801Nlaid out. Afterwards, Mr. Jonas Oldacre led me into his bedroom, in which 0801Nthere stood a heavy safe. This he opened and took out a mass of documents, 0801Nwhich we went over together. It was between eleven and twelve when we 0801Nfinished. He remarked that we must not disturb the housekeeper. He showed 0801Nme out through his own French window, which had been open all this time." 0801N 0801N"Was the blind down?" asked Holmes. 0801N 0801N"I will not be sure, but I believe that it was only half down. Yes, I 0801Nremember how he pulled it up in order to swing open the window. I could not 0801Nfind my stick, and he said, `Never mind, my boy, I shall see a good deal of 0801Nyou now, I hope, and I will keep your stick until you come back to claim it.' 0801NI left him there, the safe open, and the papers made up in packets upon the 0801Ntable. It was so late that I could not get back to Blackheath, so I spent the 0801Nnight at the Anerley Arms, and I knew nothing more until I read of this 0801Nhorrible affair in the morning." 0801N 0801N"Anything more that you would like to ask, Mr. Holmes?" said Lestrade, whose 0801Neyebrows had gone up once or twice during this remarkable explanation. 0801N 0801N"Not until I have been to Blackheath." 0801N 0801N"You mean to Norwood," said Lestrade. 0801N 0801N"Oh, yes, no doubt that is what I must have meant," said Holmes, with his 0801Nenigmatical smile. Lestrade had learned by more experiences than he would 0801Ncare to acknowledge that that brain could cut through that which was 0801Nimpenetrable to him. I saw him look curiously at my companion. 0801N 0801N"I think I should like to have a word with you presently, Mr. Sherlock 0801NHolmes," said he. "Now, Mr. McFarlane, two of my constables are at the door, 0801Nand there is a four-wheeler waiting." The wretched young man arose, and with 0801Na last beseeching glance at us walked from the room. The officers conducted 0801Nhim to the cab, but Lestrade remained. 0801N 0801NHolmes had picked up the pages which formed the rough draft of the will, and 0801Nwas looking at them with the keenest interest upon his face. 0801N 0801N"There are some points about that document, Lestrade, are there not?" said 0801Nhe, pushing them over. 0801N 0801NThe official looked at them with a puzzled expression. 0801N 0801N"I can read the first few lines and these in the middle of the second page, 0801Nand one or two at the end. Those are as clear as print," said he, "but the 0801Nwriting in between is very bad, and there are three places where I cannot 0801Nread it at all." *!EOF ces of the crime. 0801NThe conduct of the criminal investigation has been left in the experienced 0801Nhands of Inspector Lestrade, of Scotland Yard, who is following up the clues 0801Nwith his accustomed energy and sagacity." *!EOF J1N 0818Y00F04ruby12Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0801N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C1Y00S4NJimmy Corkhill will return. *!EOF CDG+~*VUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFED% HolmesNorwood3.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 529 0 9 bookman 24 0 3 0 529 0 30 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 55 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 80 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 105 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 130 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 155 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 *!EOM 166 1614Y00F05roman16NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C3N 1213Y00F04ruby12NExtracted from the novel: 1201NThe Return of Sherlock Holmes, A Collection of Holmes Adventures 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C5N 2401Nby 2401NSIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE 2401N 2401N 2406Y00C3N 1614Y00F05roman16NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 1606Y00C5NPart 3 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C1N 0801N 0801NLestrade began to laugh. 0801N 0801N"You are too many for me when you begin to get on your theories, Mr. Holmes," 0801Nsaid he. "How does this bear on the case?" 0801N 0801N"Well, it corroborates the young man's story to the extent that the will was 0801Ndrawn up by Jonas Oldacre in his journey yesterday. It is curious--is it 0801Nnot?--that a man should draw up so important a document in so haphazard a 0801Nfashion. It suggests that he did not think it was going to be of much 0801Npractical importance. If a man drew up a will which he did not intend ever 0801Nto be effective, he might do it so." 0801N 0801N"Well, he drew up his own death warrant at the same time," said Lestrade. 0801N 0801N"Oh, you think so?" 0801N 0801N"Don't you?" 0801N 0801N"Well, it is quite possible, but the case is not clear to me yet." 0801N 0801N"Not clear? Well, if that isn't clear, what COULD be clear? Here is a young 0801Nman who learns suddenly that, if a certain older man dies, he will succeed to 0801Na fortune. What does he do? He says nothing to anyone, but he arranges that 0801Nhe shall go out on some pretext to see his client that night. He waits until 0801Nthe only other person in the house is in bed, and then in the solitude of a 0801Nman's room he murders him, burns his body in the wood-pile, and departs to a 0801Nneighbouring hotel. The blood-stains in the room and also on the stick are 0801Nvery slight. It is probable that he imagined his crime to be a bloodless 0801None, and hoped that if the body were consumed it would hide all traces of the 0801Nmethod of his death--traces which, for some reason, must have pointed to him. 0801NIs not all this obvious?" 0801N 0801N"It strikes me, my good Lestrade, as being just a trifle too obvious," said 0801NHolmes. "You do not add imagination to your other great qualities, but if 0801Nyou could for one moment put yourself in the place of this young man, would 0801Nyou choose the very night after the will had been made to commit your crime? 0801NWould it not seem dangerous to you to make so very close a relation between 0801Nthe two incidents? Again, would you choose an occasion when you are known to 0801Nbe in the house, when a servant has let you in? And, finally, would you take 0801Nthe great pains to conceal the body, and yet leave your own stick as a sign 0801Nthat you were the criminal? Confess, Lestrade, that all this is very 0801Nunlikely." 0801N 0801N"As to the stick, Mr. Holmes, you know as well as I do that a criminal is 0801Noften flurried, and does such things, which a cool man would avoid. He was 0801Nvery likely afraid to go back to the room. Give me another theory that would 0801Nfit the facts." 0801N 0801N"I could very easily give you half a dozen," said Holmes. "Here for example, 0801Nis a very possible and even probable one. I make you a free present of it. 0801NThe older man is showing documents which are of evident value. A passing 0801Ntramp sees them through the window, the blind of which is only half down. 0801NExit the solicitor. Enter the tramp! He seizes a stick, which he observes 0801Nthere, kills Oldacre, and departs after burning the body." 0801N 0801N"Why should the tramp burn the body?" 0801N 0801N"For the matter of that, why should McFarlane?" 0801N 0801N"To hide some evidence." 0801N 0801N"Possibly the tramp wanted to hide that any murder at all had been 0801Ncommitted." 0801N 0801N"And why did the tramp take nothing?" 0801N 0801N"Because they were papers that he could not negotiate." 0801N 0801NLestrade shook his head, though it seemed to me that his manner was less 0801Nabsolutely assured than before. 0801N 0801N"Well, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, you may look for your tramp, and while you are 0801Nfinding him we will hold on to our man. The future will show which is right. 0801NJust notice this point, Mr. Holmes: that so far as we know, none of the 0801Npapers were removed, and that the prisoner is the one man in the world who 0801Nhad no reason for removing them, since he was heir-at-law, and would come 0801Ninto them in any case." 0801N 0801NMy friend seemed struck by this remark. 0801N 0801N"I don't mean to deny that the evidence is in some ways very strongly in 0801Nfavour of your theory," said he. "I only wish to point out that there are 0801Nother theories possible. As you say, the future will decide. Good-morning! 0801NI dare say that in the course of the day I shall drop in at Norwood and see 0801Nhow you are getting on." 0801N 0801NWhen the detective departed, my friend rose and made his preparations for the 0801Nday's work with the alert air of a man who has a congenial task before him. 0801N 0801N"My first movement Watson," said he, as he bustled into his frockcoat, "must, 0801Nas I said, be in the direction of Blackheath." 0801N 0801N"And why not Norwood?" 0801N 0801N"Because we have in this case one singular incident coming close to the heels 0801Nof another singular incident. The police are making the mistake of 0801Nconcentrating their attention upon the second, because it happens to be the 0801None which is actually criminal. But it is evident to me that the logical way 0801Nto approach the case is to begin by trying to throw some light upon the first 0801Nincident--the curious will, so suddenly made, and to so unexpected an heir. 0801NIt may do something to simplify what followed. No, my dear fellow, I don't 0801Nthink you can help me. There is no prospect of danger, or I should not dream 0801Nof stirring out without you. I trust that when I see you in the evening, I 0801Nwill be able to report that I have been able to do something for this 0801Nunfortunate youngster, who has thrown himself upon my protection." 0801N 0801NIt was late when my friend returned, and I could see, by a glance at his 0801Nhaggard and anxious face, that the high hopes with which be had started had 0801Nnot been fulfilled. For an hour he droned away upon his violin, endeavouring 0801Nto soothe his own ruffled spirits. At last he flung down the instrument, and 0801Nplunged into a detailed account of his misadventures. 0801N 0801N"It's all going wrong, Watson--all as wrong as it can go. I kept a bold face 0801Nbefore Lestrade, but, upon my soul, I believe that for once the fellow is on 0801Nthe right track and we are on the wrong. All my instincts are one way, and 0801Nall the facts are the other, and I much fear that British juries have not yet 0801Nattained that pitch of intelligence when they will give the preference to my 0801Ntheories over Lestrade's facts." 0801N 0801N"Did you go to Blackheath?" 0801N 0801N"Yes, Watson, I went there, and I found very quickly that the late lamented 0801NOldacre was a pretty considerable blackguard. The father was away in search 0801Nof his son. The mother was at home--a little, fluffy, blue-eyed person, in a 0801Ntremor of fear and indignation. Of course, she would not admit even the 0801Npossibility of his guilt. But she would not express either surprise or 0801Nregret over the fate of Oldacre. On the contrary, she spoke of him with such 0801Nbitterness that she was unconsciously considerably strengthening the case of 0801Nthe police for, of course, if her son had heard her speak of the man in this 0801Nfashion, it would predispose him towards hatred and violence. `He was more 0801Nlike a malignant and cunning ape than a human being,' said she, `and he 0801Nalways was, ever since he was a young man.' 0801N 0801N"`You knew him at that time?' said I. 0801N 0801N"`Yes, I knew him well, in fact, he was an old suitor of mine. Thank heaven 0801Nthat I had the sense to turn away from him and to marry a better, if poorer, 0801Nman. I was engaged to him, Mr. Holmes, when I heard a shocking story of how 0801Nhe had turned a cat loose in an aviary, and I was so horrified at his brutal 0801Ncruelty that I would have nothing more to do with him.' She rummaged in a 0801Nbureau, and presently she produced a photograph of a woman, shamefully 0801Ndefaced and mutilated with a knife. `That is my own photograph,' she said. 0801N`He sent it to me in that state, with his curse, upon my wedding morning.' 0801N 0801N"`Well,' said I, `at least he has forgiven you now, since he has left all his 0801Nproperty to your son.' 0801N 0801N"`Neither my son nor I want anything from Jonas Oldacre, dead or alive!' she 0801Ncried, with a proper spirit. `There is a God in heaven, Mr. Holmes, and that 0801Nsame God who has punished that wicked man will show, in His own good time, 0801Nthat my son's hands are guiltless of his blood.' *!EOF or Lestrade, of Scotland Yard, who is following up the clues 0801Nwith his accustomed energy and sagacity." *!EOF J1N 0818Y00F04ruby12Y00C5N* BROOKSIDE SPECIAL * 0801N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C1Y00S4NJimmy Corkhill will return. *!EOF WXG+donmlkjihgfedcba`_^]\[ZYX/+HolmesNorwood4.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 529 0 9 bookman 24 0 3 0 529 0 29 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 54 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 79 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 104 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 128 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 153 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 178 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 203 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 *!EOM 206 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 2416Y00F07bookman24N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NExtracted from the novel: 1201NThe Return of Sherlock Holmes, A Collection of Holmes Adventures 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C5N 2406Y00C5Nby 2401NSIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE 2401N 2401N 2406Y00C3N 2414Y00F05roman16NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 1624Y00F05roman16Y00C4Y00C5NPart 4 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0801N 0806Y00C1N"Well, I tried one or two leads, but could get at nothing which would help 0801Nour hypothesis, and several points which would make against it. I gave it 0801Nup at last and off I went to Norwood. 0801N 0801N"This place, Deep Dene House, is a big modern villa of staring brick, 0801Nstanding back in its own grounds, with a laurel-clumped lawn in front of it. 0801NTo the right and some distance back from the road was the timber-yard which 0801Nhad been the scene of the fire. Here's a rough plan on a leaf of my 0801Nnotebook. This window on the left is the one which opens into Oldacre's 0801Nroom. You can look into it from the road, you see. That is about the only 0801Nbit of consolation I have had to-day. Lestrade was not there, but his head 0801Nconstable did the honours. They had just found a great treasure-trove. They 0801Nhad spent the morning raking among the ashes of the burned wood-pile, and 0801Nbesides the charred organic remains they had secured several discoloured 0801Nmetal discs. I examined them with care, and there was no doubt that they 0801Nwere trouser buttons. I even distinguished that one of them was marked with 0801Nthe name of `Hyams,' who was Oldacres tailor. I then worked the lawn very 0801Ncarefully for signs and traces, but this drought has made everything as hard 0801Nas iron. Nothing was to be seen save that some body or bundle had been 0801Ndragged through a low privet hedge which is in a line with the wood-pile. 0801NAll that, of course, fits in with the official theory. I crawled about the 0801Nlawn with an August sun on my back, but I got up at the end of an hour no 0801Nwiser than before. 0801N 0801N"Well, after this fiasco I went into the bedroom and examined that also. The 0801Nblood-stains were very slight, mere smears and discolourations, but 0801Nundoubtedly fresh. The stick had been removed, but there also the marks were 0801Nslight. There is no doubt about the stick belonging to our client. He 0801Nadmits it. Footmarks of both men could be made out on the carpet, but none 0801Nof any third person, which again is a trick for the other side. They were 0801Npiling up their score all the time and we were at a standstill. 0801N 0801N"Only one little gleam of hope did I get--and yet it amounted to nothing. I 0801Nexamined the contents of the safe, most of which had been taken out and left 0801Non the table. The papers had been made up into sealed envelopes, one or two 0801Nof which had been opened by the police. They were not, so far as I could 0801Njudge, of any great value, nor did the bank-book show that Mr. Oldacre was in 0801Nsuch very affluent circumstances. But it seemed to me that all the papers 0801Nwere not there. There were allusions to some deeds--possibly the more 0801Nvaluable--which I could not find. This, of course, if we could definitely 0801Nprove it, would turn Lestrade's argument against himself, for who would 0801Nsteal a thing if he knew that he would shortly inherit it? 0801N 0801N"Finally, having drawn every other cover and picked up no scent, I tried my 0801Nluck with the housekeeper. Mrs. Lexington is her name--a little, dark, 0801Nsilent person, with suspicious and sidelong eyes. She could tell us 0801Nsomething if she would--I am convinced of it. But she was as close as wax. 0801NYes, she had let Mr. McFarlane in at half-past nine. She wished her hand had 0801Nwithered before she had done so. She had gone to bed at half-past ten. Her 0801Nroom was at the other end of the house, and she could hear nothing of what 0801Nhad passed. Mr. McFarlane had left his hat, and to the best of her had been 0801Nawakened by the alarm of fire. Her poor, dear master had certainly been 0801Nmurdered. Had he any enemies? Well, every man had enemies, but Mr. Oldacre 0801Nkept himself very much to himself, and only met people in the way of 0801Nbusiness. She had seen the buttons, and was sure that they belonged to the 0801Nclothes which he had worn last night. The wood-pile was very dry, for it had 0801Nnot rained for a month. It burned like tinder, and by the time she reached 0801Nthe spot, nothing could be seen but flames. She and all the firemen smelled 0801Nthe burned flesh from inside it. She knew nothing of the papers, nor of Mr. 0801NOldacre's private affairs. 0801N 0801N"So, my dear Watson, there's my report of a failure. And yet--and yet--" he 0801Nclenched his thin hands in a paroxysm of conviction--"I KNOW it's all wrong. 0801N I feel it in my bones. There is something that has not come out, and that 0801Nhousekeeper knows it. There was a sort of sulky defiance in her eyes, which 0801Nonly goes with guilty knowledge. However, there's no good talking any more 0801Nabout it, Watson; but unless some lucky chance comes our way I fear that the 0801NNorwood Disappearance Case will not figure in that chronicle of our successes 0801Nwhich I foresee that a patient public will sooner or later have to endure." 0801N 0801N"Surely," said I, "the man's appearance would go far with any jury?" 0801N 0801N"That is a dangerous argument my dear Watson. You remember that terrible 0801Nmurderer, Bert Stevens, who wanted us to get him off in '87? Was there ever 0801Na more mild-mannered, Sunday-school young man?" 0801N 0801N"It is true." 0801N 0801N"Unless we succeed in establishing an alternative theory, this man is lost. 0801NYou can hardly find a flaw in the case which can now be presented against 0801Nhim, and all further investigation has served to strengthen it. By the way, 0801Nthere is one curious little point about those papers which may serve us as 0801Nthe starting-point for an inquiry. On looking over the bank-book I found 0801Nthat the low state of the balance was principally due to large checks which 0801Nhave been made out during the last year to Mr. Cornelius. I confess that I 0801Nshould be interested to know who this Mr. Cornelius may be with whom a 0801Nretired builder has such very large transactions. Is it possible that he has 0801Nhad a hand in the affair? Cornelius might be a broker, but we have found no 0801Nscrip to correspond with these large payments. Failing any other indication, 0801Nmy researches must now take the direction of an inquiry at the bank for the 0801Ngentleman who has cashed these checks. But I fear, my dear fellow, that our 0801Ncase will end ingloriously by Lestrade hanging our client, which will 0801Ncertainly be a triumph for Scotland Yard." 0801N 0801NI do not know how far Sherlock Holmes took any sleep that night, but when I 0801Ncame down to breakfast I found him pale and harassed, his bright eyes the 0801Nbrighter for the dark shadows round them. The carpet round his chair was 0801Nlittered with cigarette-ends and with the early editions of the morning 0801Npapers. An open telegram lay upon the table. 0801N 0801N"What do you think of this, Watson?" he asked, tossing it across. 0801N 0801NIt was from Norwood, and ran as follows: 0801N 0801N 0801NImportant fresh evidence to hand. McFarlane's guilt definitely established. 0801NAdvise you to abandon case. 0801N LESTRADE. 0801N 1213Y00F04ruby12N 0814Y00F05pearl08N"This sounds serious," said I. 0801N 0801N"It is Lestrade's little cock-a-doodle of victory," Holmes answered, with a 0801Nbitter smile. "And yet it may be premature to abandon the case. After all, 0801Nimportant fresh evidence is a two-edged thing, and may possibly cut in a very 0801Ndifferent direction to that which Lestrade imagines. Take your breakfast, 0801NWatson, and we will go out together and see what we can do. I feel as if I 0801Nshall need your company and your moral support today." 0801N 0801NMy friend had no breakfast himself, for it was one of his peculiarities that 0801Nin his more intense moments he would permit himself no food, and I have known 0801Nhim presume upon his iron strength until he has fainted from pure inanition. 0801N"At present I cannot spare energy and nerve force for digestion," he would 0801Nsay in answer to my medical remonstrances. I was not surprised, therefore, 0801Nwhen this morning he left his untouched meal behind him, and started with me 0801Nfor Norwood. A crowd of morbid sightseers were still gathered round Deep 0801NDene House, which was just such a suburban villa as I had pictured. Within 0801Nthe gates Lestrade met us, his face flushed with victory, his manner grossly 0801Ntriumphant. 0801N 0801N"Well, Mr. Holmes, have you proved us to be wrong yet? Have you found your 0801Ntramp?" he cried. 0801N 0801N"I have formed no conclusion whatever," my companion answered. 0801N 0801N"But we formed ours yesterday, and now it proves to be correct, so you must 0801Nacknowledge that we have been a little in front of you this time, Mr. 0801NHolmes." 0801N 0801N"You certainly have the air of something unusual having occurred," said 0801NHolmes. 0801N 0801NLestrade laughed loudly. 0801N 0801N"You don't like being beaten any more than the rest of us do," said he. "A 0801Nman can't expect always to have it his own way, can he, Dr. Watson? Step 0801Nthis way, if you please, gentlemen, and I think I can convince you once for 0801Nall that it was John McFarlane who did this crime." 0801N 0801NHe led us through the passage and out into a dark hall beyond. 0801N 0801N"This is where young McFarlane must have come out to get his hat after the 0801Ncrime was done," said he. "Now look at this." With dramatic suddenness he 0801Nstruck a match, and by its light exposed a stain of blood upon the 0801Nwhitewashed wall. As he held the match nearer, I saw that it was more than a 0801Nstain. It was the well-marked print of a thumb. 0801N 0801N"Look at that with your magnifying glass, Mr. Holmes." 0801N 0801N"Yes, I am doing so." 0801N 0801N"You are aware that no two thumb-marks are alike?" 0801N 0801N"I have heard something of the kind." 0801N 0801N"Well, then, will you please compare that print with this wax impression of 0801Nyoung McFarlane's right thumb, taken by my orders this morning?" 0801N 0801NAs he held the waxen print close to the blood-stain, it did not take a 0801Nmagnifying glass to see that the two were undoubtedly from the same thumb. 0801NIt was evident to me that our unfortunate client was lost. 0801N 0801N"That is final," said Lestrade. 0801N 0801N"Yes, that is final," I involuntarily echoed. 0801N 0801N"It is final," said Holmes. 0801N 0801NSomething in his tone caught my ear, and I turned to look at him. An 0801Nextraordinary change had come over his face. It was writhing with inward 0801Nmerriment. His two eyes were shining like stars. It seemed to me that he 0801Nwas making desperate efforts to restrain a convulsive attack of laughter. 0801N 0801N"Dear me! Dear me!" he said at last. "Well, now, who would have thought it? 0801NAnd how deceptive appearances may be, to be sure! Such a nice young man to 0801Nlook at! It is a lesson to us not to trust our own judgment, is it not, 0801NLestrade?" 0801N 0801N"Yes, some of us are a little too much inclined to be cock-sure, Mr. Holmes," 0801Nsaid Lestrade. The man's insolence was maddening, but we could not resent 0801Nit. *!EOF l return. *!EOF pqQkxwvutsrq& O Britpop.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 35000108 1 275 0 20 xfont 8 0 1 0 275 0 45 xfont 8 0 4 41013102 1 275 0 *!EOM 63 3229Y00F05basic32Y00C4Y00S1Y05S1NBRIT POP 2440Y00F06taurus24Y00C3Y00S2Y00C5Y05S4Y05C3NFish Boy 0824Y00F05xfont08Y00C1Y05S0N 0801NEvery year farmers all over Britain gather together Brit Pop records which 0801Nthey then crush into the most fertile manure known to man. Because folks, and 0801Nlets be honest, Brit Pop is absolutely dire. Why do you idiots keeping buying 0801Nit? Why? Why is it that some fued between two lamer bands ignites more 0801Ncontroversy than Trevor MacDonald on the news at Ten suddenly announcing that 0801NPresident Kennedy wasn't really murdered but in fact hired somebody to shoot 0801Nhim in a suicide pact with Kurt Cobain. Why? 0801N 0801NI took these freaks and placed them in the celestial court of "Fnarr". The 0801Nverdict was recorded. Go on, shudder, its the decent thing to do... 0801N 0801N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C3NFirstly: Lamer Band One: 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0806Y00C1NTake a leader singer with a voice like a cat being rubbed over a cheese 0801Ngrater. Add to Cat Boy his useless arse of a songwriting brother whoose 0801Ngreatest lyrical triumph consists of: "She's doing the dishes, she's got 0801Nlittle fishes on the brain" and get him to write 2000 identical songs which 0801Nall sound like they were recorded underwater. Add three more irrelevant 0801Nblokes and name the whole horrific 60's throwback mess after a puddle in a 0801Ndry spot. Finally garnish with a stupid and obviously false list of 0801Ninfluences ranging including the Beatles, The Kinks, and Billy Butchers 0801NMother Fucker Slay Crew (joke). 0801N 0811Y00C5Y44C4NPunishment for each member of Lamer Band 1: To have their heads pushed into 0801Nholes that are 2cm too small to comfortably fit an average persons head in. 0801NThen hit them, a lot, with sticks, and baseball bats, and things. 0801N 0801N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C3NLamer Band 2: 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00C1N 0801NThey swan around in their crinkly 1980's sports gear looking like a bunch of 0801Npissed middle aged fun runners while Damon Albarn shouts "PARKLIFE PARKLIFE, 0801NOOH THE DIRTY PIGEONS, YOU FAT BASTARD TAKE SOME EXERCISE, PARKLIFE 0801NPARKLIFE", like a hyper 4 year old on a caffeine overdose. And if that was'nt 0801Nenough they then fill all their albumns with supid little instrumentals which 0801Nare all "Typically British", (typically British providing your a shit faced 0801Ncockney with more money then the Queen). 0801N 0811Y00C5Y11C4NPunishment: Being forced to listen to American HardCore punk records played 0801Nat half speed so they sound like Metallica for hours and hours and hours. 0801NAlternatively, just play a Metallica album, that way if one of them breaks 0801Nloose they won't smash your precious new album by The Queers / Ten Foot Pole 0801N/ Econochrist / Jodies Foster Army / Billy Butchers Mother Fu... Sorry, I 0801Npromise never to use that joke again... 0801N 0801N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C3NLamer Band 3: A band so poor that although they don't ignite controversy they 0801Ntoo should face judgement. 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0806Y00C1NSleeper. The only excuse for their existance is the hysterically funny "Ugly 0801NBleeder" mix of "Inbetweener" by Mark Radcliff and the Boy Lard. Somebody 0801Nshould take both Sleeper albums and just remix the first 10 seconds of each 0801Nsong then release the results. That would probably be the greatest musical 0801Ntriumph of the century. Otherwise Sleeper are crap. 0801N 0811Y00C5Y11C4NPunishment: Just existing and being so bad. It must be a skill in itself to 0801Nopenly display such talent and then to fuck everything up with boring Indie 0801Nguitars ten seconds into every song. *!EOF ?" 0801N 0801N"Yes, some of us are a little too much inclined to be cock-sure, Mr. Holmes," 0801Nsaid Lestrade. The man's insolence was maddening, but we could not resent 0801Nit. *!EOF l return. *!EOF yzd}|{z Bizarre.ZOO 0 avantg 14 0 1 0 4095 0 20 microknight 8 0 5 0 4095 0 *!EOM 23 1425Y00F06avantg14Y00J1Y00C2NBIZARRE MEDICAL CONDITIONS VOLUME 1 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C6NFisH BoY/Panda 1420Y00F06avantg14Y00J0N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C5NThere is an affliction which affects many of us in society today. Something 0801Nso insidious that it is not recognized by doctors and other practicioners of 0801Nmedical science. Something that threatens humanitys whole existance. 1415Y00F06avantg14N 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00C4Y00C5NThink about it... How many times have you gone into a shop and suddenly 0801Nthought "Hmm, why not buy an issue of What Hi-Fi", and then bought it. How 0801Nmany times have you had to grab your hand to prevent it from trying to pay 0801Nfor a Sony Mini Disc player possibly the most useless artifact in humanitys 0801Nhistory. We spend our lives on this earth buying things that we could not 0801Npossibly want or enjoy owning. How else would you explain the phenomonal 0801Nsales of Sony Playstations and "Pogs". I don't want them, you don't want 0801Nthem, yet somebody keeps buying them. 0815Y00F06avantg14N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C5NI have called this frightening disease the "Apple Tango Syndrome". Next time 0801Nyou reach for that copy of "Best of 2000AD monthly" remember: The words 0806Y41C2N"Drokk" and "Dang" are no substitute for "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SOME 0825Y00F11microknight08Y64C5NFUCKER JUST SHOT ME IN THE FUCKING LEG! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!". And 2000AD 0801Nis just the silliest thing on the planet, and yet YOU keep buying it. Shudder 0801Nas you realise the full extent of "THE APPLE TANGO EFFECT!" *!EOF display such talent and then to fuck everything up with boring Indie 0801Nguitars ten seconds into every song. *!EOF ?" 0801N 0801N"Yes, some of us are a little too much inclined to be cock-sure, Mr. Holmes," 0801Nsaid Lestrade. The man's insolence was maddening, but we could not resent 0801Nit. *!EOF l return. *!EOF ~-mPipLighter1.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 0040111353601113 2 529 0 11 ruby 12 0 5 0 289 0 28 basic 32 0 4 0800661642606817 2 274 1 36 taurus 16 0 3 0021090600801911466055153241181422406113 5 530 1 *!EOM 40 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C2NPip's 3206Y00C6NLighter Side Of Life 2421Y00F07titania24Y00C5NWith me... PIP E. 2406Y00J0N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C4NQuazogss!! I had soooooooooooo mucho-mungo of a response after last time I 0806Y00C3Nsaid back and so BACK's me! 0806Y00J1N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C2NWhat this time? Why? No why! 1601N 1420Y00F06avantg14Y00C6NHere ist my free (count em 1.2.3. oops 4) fav foodz:!:-?-:- 1406Y00J0N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C5N1a to 1: the crisps 1206Y00C4N only the prawn 0914Y00F05prime09N 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C3N1a to 2: air. I can suck it - slurpy * SLUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP-e 0914Y00F05prime09N 0906Y00C2N1a to 3: Mcfries 0901N 0906Y00C6N1a to 4: swizzel stick 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0806Y00C5N1a to 5: Ha-hueeeer! It's my fingers. 0806Y00C4N "Get your fingers out Pip!" 0806Y00C3N "No mummy bummy!" 0801N 0806Y00C2N1a to 6: There is no 1a to 6 b'coz that is a funniest idea (gettit - `No eye 0806Y00C6N dear'!) 0801N 1420Y00F06avantg14Y00C5N1a to 7: I like whippets. But the sparse hairs get in your teef 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C4N*SO* 2421Y00F07titania24Y00C3NI shave the whippet 3219Y00F05basic32Y00C2N} BEAST { 3206Y00C6N} BrEAST { 2416Y00F07bookman24N 2411Y00J0Y00C5NWhat is your food intakes then? 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00C4NI don't care actualy if you must know for your information really. 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00J1N 1606Y00C3NBye-bi (ooo--er!) 1606Y00C2NThis is Pip E. signing off 1606Y00C6NUntil he's (me) on again. *!EOF ock-sure, Mr. Holmes," 0801Nsaid Lestrade. The man's insolence was maddening, but we could not resent 0801Nit. *!EOF l return. *!EOF  5 Sleeping.ZOOo 0 topaz 24 0 1 0 289 0 22 pearl 8 0 7 0 274 0 42 topaz 8 0 5 0 529 0 63 taurus 16 0 4 0 289 0 84 topaz 8 0 6 0 274 0 106 topaz 8 0 5 0 529 0 128 topaz 8 0 6 0 289 0 149 topaz 8 0 1 0 274 0 169 topaz 8 0 3 0 529 0 190 topaz 8 0 3 0 289 0 212 topaz 8 0 3 0 274 0 235 topaz 8 0 5 0 529 0 *!EOM 254 2425Y00F06taurus24Y00J1Y00C3NSleeping with... 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C5NJude/Panda 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C1N 0806Y00J0NI have heard a few stories flying around recently about me being obssessed 0801Nwith sex. I suppose if this is actually the case (and I can't say all that 0801Nmany people have mentioned on it... yet) this isn't really a concious thing 0801Non my part, just something I find obvious humour in like many other far less 0801Ntasteful things! Now I'm getting paranoid that these accusations may be true 0801Nbecause I'd already began this article before I heard the rumours... 0801N 0801NAnyroad I don't really care I just like to see how far you can push something 0801Nbefore it goes into overkill - e.g. the complete sexual overkill in issue 2s 0801Npoetry section! 0801N 0801NI realise now that I'm not actually obssessed with sex itself, more societies 0801Nbizare reaction towards it and the kind of closet embarissment that comes 0801Nwith it. 0801N 0811Y27S4Y48S0NI must say that this is all purely just for fun and although I refuse to use 0801Nthose fucking smileys (except in extreme circumstances) I hope you can find 0801Nirony in this silent type... 0801N 0806Y00C7NThis article is guaranteed to offend (even I, the author find much of in very 0801Npoor taste), so I really recommend you don't read it unless your a real 0801Nsicko. 0806Y00C1N 0801NAll still here I see... 0801N 1625Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00C2NHOW TO 1606Y00C6NSLEEP WITH... 1601N 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C1NSomeone of the opposite sex. 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00J0N 0806Y00C3NSurveys show that this is the most popular of intercourse related passtimes. 0801NMost people in the World, over the age of consent (well, obiously) will have 0801Nhad a go at this and, in the words of Barry Norman, `Why not?' It's simple, 0801Ndoesn't require much thought and is readily accepted by virtually all facets 0801Nof society. Also we're talking great historical value; men and women have 0801Nbeen fucking each other for centuries and it is a tradition which transends 0801Ncultures. Certainly worth a try. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NIf your gay but this article has wet your appetite to try the wild thing with 0801Nsomeone of an opposite sex then here's the ideal solution: A sex change. 0801NLong and painful yes, but free on the NHS and you can fuck someone of the 0801Nopposite sex whilst retaining your fundamental sexual preferences. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0801N 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00J1Y00C1NSomeone of the same sex. 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00J0N 0806Y00C3NNow this one's not quite so readily accepted by everyone. There are people 0801Nin middle England and the southern states of the U.S. who will brand you a 0801N"Queerdo dimp-bango" if you so much as look at a bottle of Perrier. Don't 0801Ngive up hope - attitudes are changing. In the words of those crazy 0801NGhostbusters: "Whether your gay, bi or, hey, perhaps your just curious we're 0801Nready to believe you!" 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0832Y00F05topaz08Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NHonesty is eveything, but if you want to be a Tory MP (hey it's your life and 0801Nyour mother will be so ashamed if your really a.....a.... Tory) then keep it 0801Nin the closet if your anxious to be selected. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0801N 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C1NSomeone in your immediate family 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C3N 0801NIncest - well, it's a laugh isn't it? Well no, in many peoples' eyes this is 0801Nno laughing matter. Incest should be taken very seriously, there's no use 0801Nfucking your Mum and then trying to laugh it off. Keep a straight face 0801Nthroughout the intercourse. 0801NIncest is all the rage at the moments in the soaps, but this doesn't mean you 0801Nshould try to ape your incestuous soap idols - apes have far more to do with 0801Nsex with animals, helpfuly covered later on in this article. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NIt might be more appealing sleeping with your brother or sister, but it could 0801Ncause hastles later on. An elderly, particualy senile family member might be 0801Na better bet. If they can't remember who you are there's no problem. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NIt's quite legal to pork or be poked by your cousin - no problem. So have 0801None on me - not literaly you understand (but I'm open to offers). 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C1N 2416Y00F07bookman24NAnimals 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00J0N 0806Y00C3NAs the saying goes, `go fuck a pig.' But beastial behaviour isn't just as 0801Nsimple as that. These days you have to take precautions from catching all 0801Nkinds of things so always wear a femi/condom unless you want to catch sexualy 0801Ntransmitted mad cow diseases. Incidently, it's a well known fact that 0801Noriginal condoms were made from pigs bladders - now how do you suppose a guy 0801Ngot the idea to stick his cock in the inside of a pig? 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NUnbelievable but true: Timeout magazine carried amazing statistics that as 0801Nmany as 1 in 4 boys who have grown up on farms have had a sexual experience 0801Nwith a member of the lifestock... sorry, I mean their member and the 0801Nlifestock. If you want to get ahead of the game it's best to start early so 0801Nwhy not enroal on a course at agricultral college. It brings a whole new 0801Nmeaning to the term farm hand. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NIt can be tough trying to have it away with farm animals without them 0801Nsqueeling, neighing, roaring, barking, baaing, braying, choking etc. so it's 0801Nuseful to know that horses sleep standing up - eh-eh! 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NGirls unsatisfied with your guys male member? Some whales have cocks as big 0801Nas a male itself! Remember take an aqualung and plenty of waterproof 0801Nvasaline because they ain't called sperm whales for nothing. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0806Y00C1N 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00J1NChildren 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C3N 0806Y00J0NOoooh topical. This is a big no-no at the moment what with lists and stuff 0801Ndesigned to trap the adult who gets to unload at the expense of some kid. So 0801Nno fucking kids. Thankyou. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NDID YOU KNOW? That Bournemouth, Blackpool and other holiday resorts are a 0801Ngreat place to pick up young kids for sex. Why travel abroad when you can 0801Nindulge in the confort of your own home. No sandy Moroccon boys, no 0801NBaksheesh upfront (or from behind), no crabs! 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0806Y00C1N 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00J1NComputers 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J0Y00C3N 0801NI knew this lad and the things he claimed he did to his diskdrive, well I'm 0801Nsure your already slavering over your disk head fantasies. 0806Y00C5N 0801N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NNick Veitch says always right protect disks. For extra security keep your 0801Nfloppies in those little clear plastic bags they `come' in. Sad yes! Safe- 0801Nwell perhaps. 0806Y00C5N 0801N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0801N 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00J1Y00C1NCorpses 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J0Y00C3N 0801NVictor Frankenstein built a man out of corpses and YES!, it's true: a corpse 0801Ncan make a man out of you. If you've ever wondered if there was an afterlife 0801Nthis is it and, indeed for dozens of stoned young guys this is a way of life. 0801NNo commitments, no objections, no rejections, just a hard, fast corpse-fest 0801Nat some rotting bag of bones expense. Actualy this is fairly sick, isn't it? 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NNip down to the iron mungers for a shovel and your away, or even better 0801Nscower the old people's homes for the recently deceased, before rigamortis 0801Nsets in. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NIf old Grandpa's only just in his coffin it's not a good idea to get him 0801Naroused or you won't be able to get the coffin lid down for days. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0801N 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00J1Y00C1NVegetables 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J0Y00C3NOne for the ladies: A man may bring you instant satisfaction, but a stick 0801Nof Broccoli also doubles as sunday lunch. The insertion of fruit and 0801Nvegetables in order to stimulate the female vagina is as old and as popular 0801Nan institution as Coronation Street, Columbo or Last of the Summer Wine (see 0801Nnechrophillia section for further details). With ASDA's new guaranteed price 0801Npromise this activity can only become more popular. Get a Sainsburry's 0801Nloyalty card and buy 6 sticks of rhubarb - get a ripe turnip for free! Plus 0801Ngeniticaly engineered fruit and veg is already with us! 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0806Y00C4N 1615Y00F06taurus16NTOP TIP! 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00S0Y00C6NPick the vegetable for you. It's no good starting with a pumkin or (ohh!) 0801Npineapple to deflower yourself. Start with something simple, say perhaps a 0801Nsatsuma or damsan and with regular practise and guaranteed commitment you 0801Nmay, just may attain watermelon status. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0801N 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00J1Y00C1NTrees 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J0Y00C3N 0801NTheir bark is worse than their bite but many men put their manhood in a 0801Nhollow, all the same, to get the bite. Actualy this is a fairly popular 0801Nrecreational activity, fround apon by bird watchers and park wardens who have 0801Nto clean up the leaves afterwoods. 0801NThe chances are you could be walking through a woody glade and, unbeknown to 0801Nyou, nestled behind each tree is a man getting satisfaction from his woodland 0801Nfriend. So next time you go outside don't dismiss nature as boring offhand- 0801Na majestic oak or old cheastnut have much to offer todays bachelor. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NSpring time is best to fuck a tree - they're in full bloom like nubile young 0801Nmadens. DO NOT SHAFT TREES IN AUTUMN OR WINTER because when the leaves drop 0801Noff your exposed to the elements and also to an unkind and ununderstanding 0801Nworld - what a mouthful (how do you think she feels?). 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NWatch out the hollow your inserting into isn't the nest of some animal. Mr 0801NSquirrel isn't going to take too kindly to someone poking his nuts. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NWhy not take a picnic basket and make a day of it? 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 0806Y00C1N 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00J1NCatholic Priests 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C3N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00J0NDon't be disgusting. 0806Y00C5N 0801N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NTOP TIP! 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C6NNo it's just wrong. It's dirty. Your a pervert. 0801N 0806Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++ *!EOF 6kF  ConvWand.ZOO 0 franklin 18 0 1 0 16 0 21 microknight 8 0 2 0 16 0 46 microknight 8 0 3 0 16 0 71 microknight 8 0 5 38204601 1 16 0 *!EOM 94 1827Y00F08franklin18Y00C4Y00S1NConversation on The Wanderer 2436Y00F07bookman24Y00C3Y00S0Y05C1Y09C3NAlan and Captain Flakey 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0821Y00C5Y45C1Y57C4Y58C5NHere is a conversation on the genuineness of The Wanderer section of The Zoo 0801Nbetween me and Captain Flakey that I have logged so that other readers may be 0801Ngiven a chance to air views on the options expressed herein: 0801N 0821Y00C6Y07C3Y27C1Y41C3NAlan: What do you think of The Wanderer then, Captain Flakey? 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C5NCapt: I think it is a load of bollocks! 0801N 0816Y00C6Y06C5Y07C3NAlan: A load of bollocks? 0801N 0806Y00C2NCapt: Yes! 0801N 0816Y00C6Y07C3Y07C5NAlan: But why? I believe about 50% of it as true. 0801N 0806Y00C2NCapt: Don't be an asshole. 0801N 0816Y00C6Y06C3Y07C5NAlan: Are you suggesting that people make these kind of things up? 0801N 0806Y00C2NCapt: Yes - it's obvious they do. 0801N 0816Y00C6Y06C3Y07C5NAlan: I can't believe this to be so. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C5NCapt: Why not? 0801N 0821Y00C6Y07C3Y45C7Y64C5NAlan: Well take the incident of the amazing floating Wizard Man... 0801N 0811Y00C2Y05C5NCapt: Yes, what about it? 0801N 0811Y00C6Y06C3NAlan: Tons of people have reported seeing him and logged accurate reports on 0801N his appearance. How can he not exist? 0801N 0811Y00C2Y05C5NCapt: I don't know how they do it, but they do. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y06C3NAlan: Do what - make this stuff up, is that what your saying? 0801N 0811Y00C2Y05C5NCapt: No. Their obviously more clever than that. Perhaps they have a man 0801N in a cape and hat who is strung up on an ingenous pulley system. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y07C3NAlan: Bunkem. 0801N 0821Y00C2Y07C5Y52C7Y73C5NCapt: You'd do well to scoff, but take the story of the man buried alive... 0801N 0811Y00C6Y06C3NAlan: A fine story indeed and movingly told. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y07C5NCapt: Except if you read some of the sentaces backwards they come out as 0801N things like `Children take off your clothes' and `follow Satan'. 0801N Don't you see how sinister this conspiracy is? 0801N 0811Y00C6Y07C3NAlan: It is not a conspiracy - the government want you to think these 0801N stories are a conspiracy - that is the true conspiracy. What you said 0801N about the man buried alive article simply isn't true. I have seen no 0801N such words and I have put your stated article account through rigarous 0801N grammatical and spiritual tests, using a print out copy and truth 0801N serum. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y07C5NCapt: The messages are in there. I have felt their prescense. It is a 0801N fact. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y06C3NAlan: We'll see about that. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y07C5NCapt: You can fucking look as much as you like pal. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y06C3NAlan: What do you mean by taking that tone? 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C5NCapt: I am taking the piss. There are no messages - backwards or otherwise. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y07C3NAlan: How can you be so sure? 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C5NCapt: What do you mean `how can you be so sure'? What the fuck do you mean. 0801N I made these backward messages up. They do not fucking well exist. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y07C3NAlan: That is exactly what THEY would want you to think. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C5NCapt: Eh? 0801N 0811Y00C6Y07C3NAlan: Never believe anything. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y07C5NCapt: What nothing? 0801N 0811Y00C6Y06C3NAlan: Nothing. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y05C5NCapt: I'm going home. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y06C3NAlan: That's what you say. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C5NCapt: I fucking am going home. Goodnight 0801N 0811Y00C5Y00C1NCaptain Flakey has slammed the door on the room, claiming he is going home, 0801Nbut I suspect he is actualy reporting this meeting to `The Ministry`. I 0801Ncannot say anymore. It would not be wise. *!EOF ++++ *!EOF & PipLighter2.ZOO 0 ganymede 24 0 1 0 256 0 *!EOM 18 2427Y00F08ganymede24Y00J1Y00C2NLighterer Side Of Life 2406Y00C3NThis is not the this 2406Y00C4NI say, says I, 1420Y00F06avantg14Y00C5NPip E. 0814Y00F05topaz08N 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00C6NSmile; rain; kite; hello; while; jaw; pit; scrote; coat; fin; america; lawn; 0801Nsew; lock; cardboard; education; fellow; mellow; yellow; follower; fold; 0801Narrow; frame; lamenate; hall; obese; sugared; lamps; tablecloth; widdower; 0801Npaunch; yuck; fine; wasted; organic; sodium; ice; power; board; plasticine; 0801Nfell; him; was; pop; nice; just; light; name; wander; hit; bits; very; zoo; 0801Nplink; fumble; prodical; bin; listening; mister; vally; seventeen; crazed; 0801Nquestioning; hard; taught; under; prune; flamingo; us; cancerous; grand; 0801Nlaydel; pineapple; knot; knat; nick; pick; print; blue; shirt; television; 0801Nhand; numbers; bracket; guide; desk; insiders; special; hollow; gun; cabbage; 0801Nflipper; pilot; hoval; sank; runner; turnstyle; yearly; hints; ale; wend; 0801Nforce; interview; matress; basket; vice; dehydrate; squirral; volt; crisp; 0801Nlips; which? *!EOF 6Y06C3NAlan: That's what you say. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C5NCapt: I fucking am going home. Goodnight 0801N 0811Y00C5Y00C1NCaptain Flakey has slammed the door on the room, claiming he is going home, 0801Nbut I suspect he is actualy reporting this meeting to `The Ministry`. I 0801Ncannot say anymore. It would not be wise. *!EOF ++++ *!EOF  lL ^ Superior.ZOOy 0 prime 9 0 1 0 544 0 24 prime 8 0 5 0 544 0 49 prime 8 0 3 20605819 1 544 0 *!EOM 53 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C4N12a Reasons Why The Zoo Is Superior To Amiga Format 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NBy Moondog 0814Y00F05prime08N 0806Y00C5N1. AF is printed on rough, abrasive bog roll, whereas The Zoo is printed on 0801Nan expensive TV/monitor. 0801N 0806Y00C1N2. AF costs money The Zoo costs you merely your heart, soul and mind. 0801N 0806Y00C5N3. AF are lamers. 0801N 0806Y00C1N4. The Zoo tells you the truth, whereas AF conspires to keep the truth about 0801Nthe Floating Wiltshire Wizard Man under lock and key. 0801N 0806Y00C5N5. The Zoo will sit unobtrusively on your hard drive, AF sits embarissingly 0801Non your bedside table - a big no-no with the opposite sex. 0801N 0806Y00C1N6. Purchasing AF involves a trip to a newsagent, or if you subscribe, a trip 0801Nto the letterbox. The Zoo can be downloaded in the comfort of your own room, 0801Nor a kindly friend could bring it you on a sturdy, verneered tray or painted 0801Ncoaster. 0801N 0806Y00C5N7. The Zoo uses words like Fuck, Arse and Boobies, but AF uses words like 0801NPrice Increase, Pat MacDonald and 16 Page Beginners Guide To Using Workbench 0801NPreferences Part 1 Of 234. 0801N 0806Y00C1N8. The Zoo has a mouse to guide you around. AF might say you could use a 0801Nfinger with their magazine to similar effect, but try it and the chances are 0801Nthe skin will get 'flakey' on your pinky, due to an unhygenic reaction with 0801Nyour skin and the chemical make-up of the cheap paper. 0801N 0806Y00C5N9. The Zoo has more pages. 0801N 0806Y00C1N10. The Zoo has less pointless adverts than AF. 0801N 0806Y00C5N11. You buy AF for the coverdisks and the magazine is just there as a handy 0801Ntea-towel. The Zoo have dispensed with the unnecessary task of removing the 0801Nmagazine from the disks, so it may be disposed of, by disposing of the 0801Npaper magazine element and just giving you the disks. 0801N 0806Y00C1N12. Standard AF article: 'Making Music With Med And The Amiga' 0801N Standard Zoo article: 'Making Music With A Saucepan And A Penis' 0801N 0806Y00C5N12a. 'The Zoo' conjours up images of hurds of froliking Wilderbeast, caged 0801Nbehind thick steel bars as the public watches on as lions tear them to bits 0801Nleaving traces of carcass splashed across your childrens faces. 'Amiga 0801NFormat' brings to mind a corrupt disk wheezing and coughing as you attempt to 0801Nextract soiled data. 0801N 0801N 0811Y00C6Y00C3NFor every copy of The Zoo you spread we will give one fresh seal back to 'The 0801NSeal Rescue Centre' in a bid to help conserve this majestic beast from those 0801Nwho wish to smack it about a bit. *!EOF 11Y00C5Y00C1NCaptain Flakey has slammed the door on the room, claiming he is going home, 0801Nbut I suspect he is actualy reporting this meeting to `The Ministry`. I 0801Ncannot say anymore. It would not be wise. *!EOF ++++ *!EOF +y K RealSuck.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 4880031403400817 2 545 0 17 xfont 8 0 1 0 545 0 *!EOM 36 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C5NREALITY SUCKS 3201N(or something) 1822Y00F08franklin18Y00C6NFish Boy/Panda 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00J0N 0816Y00C1Y11C5Y24C1NApparently Reality Sucks. I am reliably told this by several PC magazines 0801N(YES! PC Guide! The PC mag that tells it straight: 0801NWell, you have wasted 2000 quid on a computer that might just run the latest 0801Ngames in postage stamp sized windows, unless of course it tells you that 0801Nthere is a: Parse Error 234433 first.). I would just like to question this 0801NSuper Internet Windows X Virtual World philosophy for a moment. Just what 0801Nmachines are going to power this virtual world? 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C6NAmigas? 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00C1NYES! You too can live in a virtual world that is identical to real life 0801Nexcept for the fact that your field of vision is 2 inches by 2 inches and you 0801Nrun out of hard disk space at the age of 18. Hmmm... About halfway through 0801Nyour virtual life you will find that your parents are useless, cretinous 0801Nmorons and you'll be adopted by people who hate you and hide you away in a 0801Ncupboard somewhere. This adoption process will take approximately 17 years 0801Nand will result in your premature death. 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C6NPCs? 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00C1NYeah, PCs will emulate life perfectly, in the begining when you are young 0801Neverything will run at full speed and you will be able to see perfectly but 0801Nas you get older you find that things are moving slowly and you can't quite 0801Nsee as much as before, this ageing process would appear to be slightly rapid 0801Nhowever with people dieing at the age of (SX)25. 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C6NSuper Consoles? 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00C1NWell granted the first 20 years of your life will be bloody brilliant but 0801Nafter a while you'll notice that your life isn't quite so full of intresting 0801Nstuff as it was before and everybody is designing situations for other lives 0801Nand not yours. 0801N 0816Y00J1Y00S4Y00C5NEr... Not quite so rosy a view of cyberspace is it? *!EOF nserve this majestic beast from those 0801Nwho wish to smack it about a bit. *!EOF 11Y00C5Y00C1NCaptain Flakey has slammed the door on the room, claiming he is going home, 0801Nbut I suspect he is actualy reporting this meeting to `The Ministry`. I 0801Ncannot say anymore. It would not be wise. *!EOF ++++ *!EOF :' Polly.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 274 0 23 sharp 8 0 1 0 274 0 48 sharp 8 0 1 23007815 1 274 0 *!EOM 55 1629Y00F05roman16Y00J1Y00C5Y00S4NPolly Get's Her Punishment 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NMoonDog 0829Y00F05sharp08Y00J0Y00C1Y00S0N 0801NPolly the fairy princess was 2 inches tall, had downy blonde hair, large, 0801Ninnocent, inquisitive eyes, a cute, little button nose and the most kissable, 0801Njuicy, red lips you could possibly imagine. She was dressed in a light green 0801Ntunic and consatina skirt; An outfit that was both practical for her fairy 0801Nflying and also showed off her curvy, voluptuos little figure to perfection. 0801NIn short she was the kind of fairy princess that both male fairies and full- 0801Ngrown big men could easily lust after. 0801N 0801NPolly had been a very naughty little fairy, she'd seen Timmy Imp's mystic 0801Nthimble lying on the side of a magic mushroom and instead of returning it to 0801Npoor Timmy, naughty Polly had kept it all to herself. Constable MacGregor, 0801Nthe village idiot had caught Polly trying to hide the thimble in her fairy 0801Nsatchel and he got very angry. 0801N"You bad, bad fairy", he growled "steeling precious thimbles is against the 0801Nlaw. I'm arresting you for pilfering, you naughty girl. You do not have the 0801Nright to remain silent and by the great fairy in the sky you'll be punished 0801Nfor this!" The constable grabbed poor Polly around her waist, took out his 0801Nbeautiful, bright, brand-spanking new handcuffs and clipped one end of them 0801Naround Polly's slender wrists. He took the other end and chained her up 0801Ninside his Police cloud, slammed the door on Polly, jumped in the front and 0801Ndrove her down to the police station. Polly didn't like being chained up and 0801Nshe became very frightened, bumping about in the back of the cloud. She 0801Nbegan to cry letting out buckets and buckets of tears. Her mascara ran down 0801Nher sweet face and her delicate little wings became waterlogged, rendering 0801Nthem useless. 0801N 0801NWhen Polly got to the Police station she was locked away in a little, dark 0801Nfairy cell. It wasn't very nice and she was oh so scared. Polly thought she 0801Nmight wet herself, but she was just about able to contain it, not wanting to 0801Nget into more trouble. 0801N 0801NConstable MacGregor came in and told Polly it was time to recieve her 0801Npunishment. The poor little fairy started to sob, so MacGregor put his arm 0801Naround her dainty little shoulders. This comforted Polly, who needed someone 0801Nto hold her at that moment. 0801N 0801N"Please don't punish me Constable MacGregor", Polly pleaded "I'll do anything 0801Nif you don't. Anything" 0811Y00S4Y11S0N"Anything?", he asked 0811Y05C6Y14C1N"Yes ANYTHING!" MacGregor smiled to himself, as he thought his little 0801Nthoughts for a moment and then he put his hand down onto Polly's thigh, 0801Nresting it just below the end of her short skirt and he lent close in towards 0801NPolly's ear. Polly could feel his hot breath on the back of her neck and the 0801Ntop of her chest and she started to feel turned on, perking up. MacGregor 0801Nfound the words "Anything!" going round and round in his head and then he 0801Nlicked his lips and whispered to Polly 0801N"This isn't The fucking Word you know" and with that all you sad people out 0811Y58C3Y71C1Nthere reading this became very disapointed at the lack of `stimulating` 0801Nmaterial avalible to them. 0801N 1625Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00C4NThe End. *!EOF for other lives 0801Nand not yours. 0801N 0816Y00J1Y00S4Y00C5NEr... Not quite so rosy a view of cyberspace is it? *!EOF nserve this majestic beast from those 0801Nwho wish to smack it about a bit. *!EOF 11Y00C5Y00C1NCaptain Flakey has slammed the door on the room, claiming he is going home, 0801Nbut I suspect he is actualy reporting this meeting to `The Ministry`. I 0801Ncannot say anymore. It would not be wise. *!EOF ++++ *!EOF ݆$ Ca Vorderman.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 0040031752600417 2 785 0 15 pearl 8 0 5 0 785 0 36 microknight 8 0 5 0 785 0 61 pearl 8 0 5 22407421 1 785 0 *!EOM 65 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00S2NCarol Vorderman 3206Y00S0NPart of a Great Team 0814Y00F05pearl08N 1420Y00F06avantg14Y00C5NTaken From The Richard Whitely Appreciation Site 1401NAnd Written By `The Fans Of Richard Whitely` 0814Y00F05pearl08N 1233Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00S0Y00S0Y00C1NCarol Vorderman: 1201NThinking Man's Crumpet 1201N 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C5NThe sexy superbrain has always been in awe of Richard's ready wit. 0801N 0801N 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C1NCarol Vorderman: 1201NThe Quiz Show Girl With a Cambridge Degree! 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C5N 0801NCarol Vorderman is not your average quiz show girl. She has a degree in 0801NMathematics from Cambridge, one of the world's oldest, and most respected, 0801NUniversities. 0801N 0811Y28S4Y37S0NCarol has been on the show [Countdown] for many years, leading to a lot of 0801Ngutter rumours and innuendos. A lot of Richard's fans have been hurt by the 0806Y53C3Naccusations. My message to the tabloid press is this: leave Richard alone and 0801Ngo and point your finger at Paul Coia or Tom O'Connor or some other daytime 0806Y22C5Ntelevision celebrity. 0801N 1817Y00F08franklin18N 1806Y00C1NCarol's function on Countdown: 1817Y00F08franklin18N 0849Y00F11microknight08Y00F11microknight08Y00C2Y02C5N* To take mystery consonants and vowels from their respective trays and 0801N place them on the game board 0801N 0811Y00C2Y02C5N* To take numbers from the number tray and place them on the number game 0801N board 0801N 0821Y00C2Y01C5Y16S4Y46S0N* To press the Random Number Generator button 0801N 0816Y00C3Y00C2Y03C5N* To use her math skills to show how the sums should be done 0801N 0811Y00C2Y01C5N* To rearrange the letters to show the highest scoring word of that 0801N particular round 0801N 0811Y00C2Y01C5N* To exchange witty banter with Richard 0801N 0801N 0814Y00F05pearl08NCarol now has an exciting and varied television career but she has never 0811Y45S4Y54S0Nbetrayed her roots and has remained loyal to Countdown. She is known in 0811Y11C3Y39C5NEngland as "the thinking man's crumpet" - which means that clever men fancy 0811Y22C6Y40C5Nher because, although she is a bit beaky, she's quite attractive for someone 0811Y10C3Y11C4Nso clever. A lot of clever women are rather plain. 0801N 0836Y00C5Y10S4Y20S0Y41C2Y48C5Y53C4Y65C5NAfter her Countdown debut - Carol joined Gaz Top and Fred Trueman for a 0811Y63S4Y68S0Nrevival of the Anglia Television children's non-fiction series, How! But the 0811Y53S4Y60S0Nnew series, which she presents to this day, is called How2! 0801N 0801NA clever woman with above average looks? It wasn't long before the BBC came 0801Nknocking on her door. They needed someone to host their flagship popular 0811Y17S4Y34S0Nscience programme Tomorrow's World. 0801N 0801NBut tragedy strikes. Carol goes on to present an advert for washing powder. 0811Y53S4Y70S0NThe BBC were angry and thought that she was using her Tomorrow's World 0801Npersona to endorse a commercial product (the BBC is a non-commercial 0811Y48C3Y76C5Norganisation) and they fired her from the show. But there was a happy ending 0811Y00S0Y68S4N- Carol keeps good relations with the BBC and has since appeared on Noel's 0801NHouse Party *!EOF E SkyRemast.ZOOhQ4 AmazingTruths.ZOO 0 ganymede 24 0 1 0 530 0 13 topaz 8 0 1 0 530 0 38 topaz 8 0 6 0 530 0 63 topaz 8 0 6 0 530 0 88 topaz 8 0 1 0 530 0 113 topaz 8 0 1 0 530 0 138 topaz 8 0 1 0 530 0 163 topaz 8 0 5 0 530 0 188 topaz 8 0 1 0 530 0 213 topaz 8 0 1 0 530 0 238 topaz 8 0 1 0 530 0 *!EOM 259 2427Y00F08ganymede24Y00J1Y00C2NAmazing, Yes, but TRUE! 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00C5NAnother Article by 3214Y00F05basic32NJude/Panda 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C1NTrue newspaper stories! Wow! Amazing.... 1501NYes sure...., but they are True, I tell you! 2422Y00F08ganymede24Y00C7NTRUE! 2401N 0834Y00F07pcclone08Y00F05topaz08Y00C2N? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! 0806Y00J0N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NA neurotic man who, during periodic fits of depression, takes his false teeth 0801Nout and jumps on them, is to get half the cost of a new set from Dorset 0801NHealth Committee `on the grounds of hardship'. 0801N 0806Y00C5NNews Chronicle quoted in New Statesman 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NIncredible as it may appear, a person will attend at the Monument, and will, 0801Nfor the sum of 2,500, undertake to jump clear of the said Monument; and in 0801Ncoming down will drink some beer and eat a cake, act some trades, shorten and 0801Nmake sail, and bring ship safe to anchor. As soon as the stated is collected 0801Nthe performance will take place; and if not performed, the money will be 0801Nreturned to the subscribers. 0801N 0806Y00C5NThe Times, Aug 22, 1827 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NGerman Johann Vilberth, 32, saw his car being stolen, so he went to the local 0801Nairport, hired a plane and flew round till he spotted the car miles away. 0801NPolice arrested the thief. 0801N 0806Y00C5NThe Sun 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NProudly drum-major Steve Harding threw his baton twirling into the air. And 0801Nall at once a 10-block area in Ventura, California town, was blacked out, a 0801Nradio station went dead, and a grass fire started. The baton had hit two 0801N4,000 volt power lines. The baton melted. 0801N 0806Y00C5NDaily Express 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NA man, alleged to have been caught stealing six chickens from a butcher's 0801Nshop, was said to have told the police: `I was taking them home to throw at 0801Nthe wife. We've had a row.' 0801N 0806Y00C5NNews of the World 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NMy aunt has a mania for boiling things. On having trouble with her 0801Nsewing-machine she put it in the boiler and boiled it. When the machine was 0801Ntaken out it worked as good as new. 0801N 0806Y00C5NLetter in Woman's Own quoted in New Statesman 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NBUISNESSMAN Henri Bidard goes to sleep each night in a coffin in his garden. 0801NHenri, who is 53, explained at his home near Argentan, France: `After we die, 0801Nmost of us are destined to spend the rest of eternity inside a coffin. I 0801Nwanted to get accustomed to being inside one BEFORE I die.' 0801N 0806Y00C5NSunday Mirror 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NWe once heard of a travellor who told of an immense pie - so large, indeed 0801Nthat after the crust and meat were eaten, a dozen couples dance in the dish, 0801Nand one of them lost a buckle in the gravy. Now we cannot boast that 0801NSheffield has ever produced such a pie, but one was exhibited and eaten at Mr 0801NTurner's on Christmas Eve, of the following size - one yard and a half long, 0801Ntwo feet wide, one foot deep, ten feet round. It was baked by Mr Barlow, 0801Nquite perfect; the crust consisting of six stone of rye meal. 0801N 0806Y00C5NNew England Farmer, 1824 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NA split meeting of the YFC was held on Monday night, when the boys learned a 0801Ngreat deal from a talk on artificial insemination by a representative of the 0801NSouthbar Cattle Breeding Centre. The girls learned much about the 0801Narrangement of flowers from Miss Moira Grant, Busby, who demonstrated the 0801Nart. After tea, the boys continued with their talk while the girls examined 0801Nthe floral arrangements more closely. 0801N 0806Y00C5NHamilton Advertiser quoted in New Statesman 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NWhen my husband reads in bed on warm nights he puts a colander over his head. 0801NHe says it keeps off the flies, shades his eyes from the light and lets in 0801Nair at the same time - Mrs L. Taylor, Bradford. 0801N 0806Y00C5NC.W.S. Good Shopping 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NWANTED - Young or middle-aged woman who has small bald patch in her scalp 0801Nwanted for demonstration of new hair insertion treatment. No compensation. 0801N 0806Y00C5NNew York Times 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NHalf of 48-year-old Alfredo Rontardo's house is in Venezuela, and half in 0801NColombia. He could hardly have it better. He is wanted by police for an 0801Noffence punishable only in Venezuela. Whenever they come to arrest him, he 0801Njust nips into his bedroom. That's in Colombia. 0801N 0806Y00C5NWeekend 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NWANTED: Man to work on nuclear fissionable isotope molecular reactive 0801Ncounters and three-phase cyclotronic uranium photo synthesizers. No 0801Nexperience necessary. 0801N 0806Y00C5NAdvert in The Mines Magazine 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NQuestion - Do ham and iced tea taken at the same meal create a liquid in the 0801Nstomach similar to ink? - Miss W.M.B. 0801NAnswer - I know of no scientific or dietetic reason why ham and iced tea 0801Ntaken at the same meal would create in the stomach a lquid similar to ink. 0801N 0806Y00C5NGood Housekeeping 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NWhereas, a lady, who called herself a native of Ireland, was in England in 0801Nthe year 1740, and resided some time at a certain village near Bath, where 0801Nshe was delievered of a son, whom she left, with a sum of money, under the 0801Ncare of a person in the same parish, and promised to fetch him at a certain 0801Nage, but has not since been heard of: now this is to desire the lady, if 0801Nliving, and this should be so fortunate as to be seen by her, to send a 0801Nletter directed to J.E., to be left at the Chapter Coffee-House, St Paul's 0801NChurch-yard, London, wherein she is desired to give an account of herself and 0801Nher reason for concealing this affair: or if the lady should be dead, and any 0801Nperson is privy to the affair, they are likewise desired to direct as above. 0801NN.B. this advertisement is published by the person himself, not from motives 0801Nof necessity, nor to court any assistance (he being, by a series of happy 0801Ncircumstances, possessed of an easy and independant fortune), but with a real 0801Ndesire to know his origin. P.S. The strictest secrecy may be depended on. 0801N 0806Y00C5NAdvert in Falkner's Dublin Journal 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NU.S. Air Force General Don Flickinger said last night that all chimpanzees 0801Nused in space flights would be volunteers. He was asked how chimpanzees 0801Ncould volunteer. He replied: `We hold an apple in one hand and a banana in 0801Nthe other. If they choose the banana, they are judged to have volunteered. 0801NThey almost always choose the banana.' 0801N 0806Y00C5NDaily Express 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NFOR SALE - 3 actual real photographs: Mussolini, 3 stages death: on ground, 0801Nhanging, with two others, one a woman, and in coffin, macabre: offers. Box 0801NXZ 1943. 0801N 0806Y00C5NExchange & Mart 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NA man was making a phone call in Cannon Street underground station when it 0801Nclosed last night. The lights went out and he found all the exit gates 0801Nlocked. 0801NHe dialled 999. Said the operator: `That's for life-and-death. Dial "0".' 0801NHe dialled `0' and spoke to the same operator, who told the City police. 0801N 0806Y00C5NNews Chronicle 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0806Y00C1N 0801NBritish Railways objected to a bus company running summer tours to Robin 0801NHood's Bay, Yorkshire, because, an official said, there was an adequate train 0801Nservice. 0801NBut, the official told West Hartlepool's licensing authority, there would be 0801Nno objection to the firm running a `mystery tour'. What will be the `mystery 0801Ntour's' destination? Robin Hood's Bay, said the official, but the public 0801Nwon't know. The license was granted. 0801N 0806Y00C5NSunday Pictorial 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NThe night David Dann murdered his wife their lodger, Bertram Johnston, heard 0801Na shot. But he did not leave his bedroom to find out what was the matter. 0801N`I assumed Mrs Dann was being assulted,' he explained yesterday, `and I had 0801Nno wish to get involved.' 0801N 0806Y00C5NDaily Express 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NA MAN DROWNED BY A CRAB 0801N 0801NJune 30, 1811. A few days ago, John Hall, a labouring man, went at low water 0801Namong the rocks at Hume Head for the purpose of catching crabs, when meeting 0801Nwith one in the interstices of the rocks, of a large size, he imprudently put 0801Nin his hand, for the purpose of pulling it out; the animal, however, caught 0801Nhis hand between its claws or forceps, and, strange as it may appear, kept 0801Nits hold so firmly, that every effort on the part of the poor fellow to 0801Nextricate himself proved ineffectual; and no one being at hand to assist him, 0801Nthe tide came in and he was next morning found drowned. 0801N 0806Y00C5NKirby's Wonderful & Eccentric Museum, 1820 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NA medical journal in 1956 reported the case of a man who was involved in a 0801Nminor explosion when he hiccupped while lighting a cigarette. The only 0801Ndamage done was a slight singeing of the moustache. 0801NHis doctor traced the cause to the operation he had had a few weeks before. 0801NThis had left him with an excess of powerful gas in his stomach which 0801Nignited on being hiccupped into the flame of a match. 0801N 0806Y00C5NReveille 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NSir, - Mr Ascoli's metric version of `Full fathom five' recalls the version 0801Nof a student at training college for teachers who was instructed to make a 0801Nparaphrase of that song. His rendering was as idiotic as the setting of the 0801Nexcercise: `Your male parent's body is deposited at a depth of thirty feet.' 0801N 0801N I am, Sir, your obedient servant, 0801N R. M. INGE, Ipswich, Suffolk 0801N 0806Y00C5NThe Times 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NMotorists say harsh things about insurance rates. But a driver in America 0801Nrecently ran off the road passing an airfield, collided with a hangar, caught 0801Nfire, and burned out eleven aeroplanes. 0801N 0806Y00C5NPunch 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o 0801N 0806Y00C1NMiddlesex County Council is to be represented in Twickenham Fair procession 0801Nby West Middlesex main drainage department. It is exhibiting a tableau of 0801Nthree decorated vehicles depicting the stages through which sewage passes. 0801N 0806Y00C5NSurrey Comet quoted in New Statesman 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o *!EOF BA@?>=<;:9876543210$HolmesNorwood2.ZOO @b. BapZoo.ZOO 0 ruby 16 0 1 0 290 0 21 sharp 8 0 1 0 290 0 45 sharp 8 0 1 0 290 0 70 sharp 8 0 3 0 290 0 95 sharp 8 0 1 35010710 1 290 0 119 sharp 8 0 3 442076230120742225609509 3 290 0 *!EOM 127 1624Y00F05roman16Y00C3Y00J1NBaptizing Issue 3 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C1NMelee vs. Jude 1501N 0824Y00F05prime08Y00C4Y00J0NZOO TO BE DUBBED! ZOO TO BE DUBBED! ZOO TO BE DUBBED! ZOO TO BE DUBBED! Z 1213Y00F04ruby12N 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C5NWe can't come up with a sub-title name for this issue so we've resorted to a 0821Y23C6Y29C2Y33C6Y41C5Nbattle of mere words. WORDS ARE POWERFUL. Always lock your words up for 0801Nthey COULD (not WILL) eat small discomforture. 0801N 0806Y20S4NMelee is armed with `The Oxford and Cambridge - The Holy Bible - The Revised 0801NVersion, without the marginal notes of the revisers and divided into verses` 0806Y00S0Nwritten by Jesus` m8s on a weekday coz Jesus said "Thou shalt not work on 0801Nthe Sabbath". 0801N 0801NJude has chosen to equip himself with a far shorter, but greatly more varied 0806Y21S4Nand intresting tome, `The Oxford POPULAR Thesaurus: A Dictionary of well in 0806Y43S0Nexcess of the number of 110,000 Synonyms.` This is the pocketed edition, 0801Nbased in part, or in whole (for it is not for us to presume) on `The Oxford 0801NMinireference Thesaurus` by Alan Spooner - by own volume `prepared by` Sara 0801NHawker (as in NO hawkers or circulars). 0801N 0806Y00C1N%%^#----=***** 0811Y18C3Y24C4N| + | <<<< Cheeky Chops! 0816Y00C1Y03C5Y07C1N| + + | ^ 0801N| & ) 0811Y17C6Y25C5N( )_____ \ ----- "I am the Guardian of the Zoo, Disk Magazine, issues 0811Y00C1Y23C5N \_______/ 3-4 only, due to licensing limitations, in part, but 0811Y00C1Y24C5N ||| I say name the bitch or we're all for the chop, the 0811Y00C1Y25C5N __|||__ cheeky chop!" 0806Y00C1N | | | | | 0801N * | | + | 0821Y17C3Y21C1Y58C6Y64C5N |-|-------| <<< This is the tail, not a talking unit "That's 0811Y00C1Y57C5N | | right, Olaf" 0806Y02C1N - - 0806Y00J1N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NLET THE BATTLE COMMENCE. 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00J0N 0826Y00C3Y00C4Y06C1Y12C2Y18C1NMelee: Fig Jude: Fervent 0801N 0806Y00C3NYOU GOTTA BE QUICK... try again 0801N 0821Y00C4Y03C1Y12C2Y18C1NM: Panions Jude: Muggy 0801N 0806Y00C3NROUND 3 0801N 0851Y00C4Y03C1Y10C2Y12C1Y27C4Y30C1Y47C2Y50C1Y59C4Y62C1NM: Herb J: Vacillating M: Nebuchadnezzar J: Panache M: Hosea 0851Y00C2Y03C1Y14C4Y18C1Y26C2Y29C1Y39C4Y42C1Y50C2Y52C1NJ: Consecrate M: Clods J: Jamboree M: Abode J: Poker-faced 0861Y00C4Y02C1Y17C2Y19C1Y29C4Y32C1Y41C2Y45C1Y51C4Y55C1Y65C2Y67C1NM: Discomfiture J: Workaday M: Fathers J: Bosomy M:Chastened J: Spurious 0851Y00C4Y02C1Y13C2Y16C1Y28C4Y30C1Y41C2Y44C1Y55C4Y59C1NM: Siccuth J: Steadfast M:Plumbline J: Vacillating M: Viol 0861Y00C2Y02C1Y12C4Y17C1Y29C2Y33C1Y43C4Y46C1Y55C2Y57C1Y66C4Y68C1NJ: Tractable M: Temptation J: Whopping M: Sodden J: Sheath M: Slew 0861Y00C2Y02C1Y13C4Y17C1Y28C2Y31C1Y36C4Y41C1Y50C2Y54C1Y62C4Y65C1NJ: Bus-token M: Sacrifice J: Stoop M: Haste-ye J: Snigger M: Cheiftans 0811Y00C2Y03C1NJ: Peevish. 0801N 0806Y00C3NAND THEN IT WAS OVER 0801N 0806Y00C1NAnd then the narrowing down took place and a TOP 5 were chosen: 0801N 0801N1. Steadfast; 2. Clods; 3. Plumbline; 4. Workaday; 5. Sodden 0801N 0806Y00C3NCONTESTANTS... ILLIMINATE ONE 0801N 0811Y00C4Y03C1NM: Workaday 0811Y00C2Y02C1NJ: Steadfast 0801N 0806Y00C3NTHESE TWO HAVE BEEN ILLIMINATE, WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO MAKE that DECISION? 0801N 0811Y00C4Y03C1NM: Workaday is a really bad name cos I didn't have to `work- a- day` on this 0801Nissue. 0801N 0806Y00C3NWHAT ABOUT THE TUESDAY THEN, Melee? 0801N 0811Y00C4Y02C1NM: I never work on the Sabbath 0801N 0811Y00C2Y03C1NJ: My Grandad is most frail in `Stead- of- fast` so I thought it would be in 0801Nbad taste to brandish him in this fashion 0801N 0806Y00C3NTHIS ISSUE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR GANDPA-par... 0801N 0811Y00C2Y03C1NJ: We all have Grandads, even you, Olaf Boheim [official Zoo interviewing 0801Npanel head] 0801N 0806Y00C3NWE ARE LEFT WITH 0801N 0806Y00C1N1. Clods; 2. Plumbline; 3. Sodden; 4. Baytree [this last name is reserved for 0801Na future issue between 4 and 6] 0801N 0806Y00C3NODDS OR EVEN, Melee? 0801N 0811Y00C4Y03C1NM: Even 0811Y00C2Y03C1NJ: That leaves me with odds. 0801N 0806Y00C3NFLIP SOMETHING 0801N 0811Y00C2Y02C1NJ: May I toss... 0811Y00C4Y02C1NM: ... for it 0801N 0806Y00C3NNO I SHALL HAVE THE PLEASURE 0801N 0816Y00C2Y02C4Y04C1NJ&M: Okay Olaf we're with you - Straight up. 0801N 0806Y00C3NODD WINS 0801N 0811Y00C4Y02C1NM: Can we have a reccount? 0801N 0806Y00C3NOKAY THEN EVENS. MELEE WINS. DO YOU WISH TO KEEP THE POSSIBLE NAMES WITH AN 0801NEVEN NUMBER OF LETTERS, OR CAST THEM INTO THE TRASHCAN, LOCATED NEAR WORK: ON 0801NMY HARD DISK UNIT? 0801N 0811Y00C4Y03C1NM: Yes 0801N 0806Y00C3NWHAT? 0801N 0811Y00C4Y03C1NM: Yes what? 0801N 0806Y00C3NNO. YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO KEEP THE ODDS. 0801N 0811Y00C4Y02C1NM: No... throw them away. 0801N 0806Y00C3NTHAT LEAVES US WITH SODDEN. 0801N 1533Y00F04ruby15Y00C2Y00C5Y00J1Y13C7NZoo Issue 3: Sodden 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00J0N 0821Y00C4Y08C2Y13C3Y21C1NMelee & Jude & Olaf: So that's how it got the name then 0821Y00C4Y08C2Y13C3Y21C1NMelee & Jude & Olaf: Yes 0801N 0806Y63C5N The Ending. *!EOF uoted in New Statesman 0801N 0806Y00C6N o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o:-o-:o *!EOF BA@?>=<;:9876543210$HolmesNorwood2.ZOO QW Beatleg.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 545 0 23 prime 8 0 1 0 545 0 48 prime 8 0 1 0 545 0 73 prime 8 0 1 0 545 0 98 prime 8 0 1 0 545 0 123 prime 8 0 1 0 545 0 *!EOM 146 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C4NThe Beatles - The Peter Sellers Tape 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C3NBeatleg Project 0901N 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C5NPublisher: World Prod'ns Of Compact Music 0801NReference: WPOCM 070 0801NDate: 1994 0801NMade in: Italy 0801NQuality: Good-Very Good 0801NBooklet: 4 page booklet including 2 pages of track information. 0801NComments: White Album out-takes. 0801N 0806Y00C1NThe songs reputedly derive from a tape of mono mixes given to Peter Sellers 0801Nby Ringo. 0801N 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C5NTracks: 13 0901NTotal duration: 43:58 0901N 0814Y00F05prime08N 0811Y00C1Y02C3N1. Back In The USSR 0806Y00C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 2:46 0801N Aug 1968 0801N 22/23 August 1968, EMI Take 6. 0801N Unique mono remix. Essentially identical to the released version, except 0801N that the jet noises at the very end are different. 0801N 0806Y02C3N2. Rocky Raccoon 0806Y02C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 3:46 0801N 15 Aug 1968 0801N 15 August 1968, EMI Take 10, mono remix 1. 0801N Identical to the commercial version. There is a very brief bit at the 0801N start where John and Paul sing about half a dozen words of an unknown 0801N song. 0801N 0806Y03C3N3. Wild Honey Pie 0806Y03C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 2:06 0801N 20 Aug 1968 0801N 20 August 1968, EMI Take 1, mono remix 6. 0801N Identical to the commercial version, but without one second of studio chat 0801N at the beginning and the end. 0801N 0806Y03C3N4. Mother Nature's Son 0806Y02C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 2:46 0801N Aug 1968 0801N 9/20 August 1968, EMI Take 26 mono remix 8. 0801N Identical to commercial version. 0801N 0806Y02C3N5. Sexy Sadie 0806Y03C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 3:52 0801N Aug 1968 0801N 13/21 August 1968, EMI Take 117. 0801N Identical to the commercial version up to the fade, which is almost 40 0801N seconds longer. The missing material was edited out, but when? The 0801N commercial version is mono remix 5, this is either the original remix 5, 0801N or an earlier mix. 0801N 0806Y03C3N6. Don't Pass Me By 0806Y02C1N Starkey 0801N 4:09 0801N Jul 1968 0801N 5/6/12/22 July 1968, EMI TAke 7, with edit piece. 0801N Although the mix is very much the same, this version contains an extra 0801N verse on the commercial version, after Ringo's count from 1 to 8, we get a 0801N chorus and a fade. Here, we get another verse (same lyrics as verse 1), 0801N chorus and fade. 0801N 0806Y02C3N7. Yer Blues 0806Y03C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 5:51 0801N 13/20 Aug 1968 0801N This track opens with chat, applause, effects and African music from 0801N Ringo. The rest is Yer Blues, 13/20 August 1968, EMI edit of edit piece 0801N and Takes 16/17. The first part of the song is from Take 17, the last from 0801N Take 16 (itself a reduction of Take 6). Ringo's count -in eas recorded on 0801N August 20 and edited on. 0801N 0806Y03C3N8. Good Night 0806Y02C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 3:03 0801N 22 Jul 1968 0801N 22 July 1968, EMI Take 34. 0801N There are two obvious differences between this and the commercial version. 0801N The first is that it is slightly shorter (about 2 measures have been 0801N removed after the second verse, just before Ringo begins to hum). 0801N Secondly, there are children's voices at the end where he wishes everybody 0801N "goodnight". Because the orchestration is so incredibly lush, it is 0801N impossible to detect any significant difference between the two. The song 0801N was mono mixed for the album on 11 October, but there was also six mono 0801N mixes at the end of the 23 July sessions, and this is most likely remix 6 0801N from that session. 0801N 0806Y02C3N9. Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey 0806Y00C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 2:25 0801N Jun 1968 0801N 27 June/1 & 23, 1968, EMI Take 12. 0801N Identical to the commercial version except for very slight differences in 0801N backing vocals which are attributable to mixing. The commercial version 0801N would have been mono remix 5, so this may be an earlier version. 0801N 0806Y03C3N10. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da 0806Y04C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 3:13 0801N Jul 1968 0801N 8/9/11/15 July 1968, EMI Take 23. 0801N There are a few interesting differences between this and and the 0801N commercial version. The tape begins with a few seconds of chat and riffs, 0801N there are hand claps during the intro (the mono commercial version does 0801N not have them, although the stereo commercial version does), and at the 0801N very end, after John says "thank you", he adds, "I'm sure". There was a 0801N final mono mix for the album version on 12 October, so this is probably 0801N the last remix from 15 July, mono remix 21. 0801N 0806Y04C3N11. Blackbird 0806Y04C1N Lennon/McCartney 0801N 2:21 0801N 11 Jun 1968 0801N 11 June 1968, EMI Take 32. 0801N There are a few differences between this and the commercial version. The 0801N most obvious is the lack of bird noises. Aside from that, there are a few 0801N extra notes of the acoustic guitar intro and a slight echo on Paul's 0801N voice (also the little voice that says "play" at the very beginning is 0801N missing). The commercial version was remix 6. This is probably an earlier 0801N mix. 0801N 0806Y03C3N12. Not Guilty 0806Y04C1N Harrison 0801N 4:08 0801N Aug 1968 0801N 8/9/12 August 1968, EMI Take 102, with count in. 0801N This brings us to a total of four different mixes of Take 102. The first 0801N and presumably earliest, is the mono mix. 0801N 0806Y04C3N13. Peter Sellers Talks With The Beatles 0806Y04C1N 1:51 0801N 0806Y00C5NOriginally filled by : Neale Judd njudd@gda.net.au 0801NLast filled by : Franois Vander Linden 100260.2504@compuserve.com 0801NLast revision date : 02 Jan 1997 0801NFilled using : BEATLEG PC for Windows v1.2 0801NType of media : CD & copy 1997 Beatleg Project *!EOF BA@?>=<;:9876543210$HolmesNorwood2.ZOO;k     MBlowinInTheWind.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 0 32 0 12 taurus 24 0 4 0 32 1 35 pearl 8 0 1 0 32 0 60 pearl 8 0 1 0 32 0 84 ruby 15 0 5 0 32 1 106 pearl 8 0 1 0 32 0 131 pearl 8 0 1 0 32 0 156 pearl 8 0 1 0 32 0 *!EOM 158 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C5NBlowin' In The Wind Chords 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NTyped by Jude 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J0Y00C4N 0814Y00F05pearl08NI keep a small record of guitar chords to songs on my hard drive. I thought 0801Nit might be a nice, not to mention easy thing to do to share them with any 0801Ninterested readers. Here are the words and chords to Bob Dylan's classic 0801Nsong Blowin' In The Wind: 2415Y00F06taurus24N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00J1Y00C5NBLOWIN' IN THE WIND 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3N(VERSION I) 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C1N 0827Y00F05pearl08Y00F05pearl08NWords and music by Bob Dylan 2420Y00F06taurus24Y00C4N 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N X O O X X O O O 0801NC =========== F =========== G =========== 0801N | | | | 1 | | | | | 1-1 | | | | | | 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0801N | | 2 | | | | | | 2 | | | 2 | | | | 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0801N | 3 | | | | | | 3 | | | 3 | | | | 4 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0801N | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0806Y00J0N 0806Y00C1N 0801NC F C F C 0801NHow many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? 0801N 0801N F C F G 0801NYes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand? 0801N 0801N C F C F 0801NYes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly before they're forever 0801N 0801N C 0801N banned? 0801N 0801N F G C F 0801NThe answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, 0801N 0801N G C 0801NThe answer is blowin' in the wind. 0801N 0801NC F C F C 0801NHow many years can a mountain exist before it's washed to the sea? 0801N 0801N F C F 0801NYes, 'n' how many years can some people exist before they're allowed to be 0801N 0801N G 0801N free? 0801N 0801N C F C F 0801NYes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head, pretending he just don't 0801N 0801N C 0801N see? 0801N 0801N F G C F 0801NThe answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, 0801N 0801N G C 0801NThe answer is blowin' in the wind. 0801N 0801NC F C F C 0801NHow many times must a man look up before he can see the sky? 0801N 0801N F C F G 0801NYes, 'n' how many ears must must one man have before he can hear people cry? 0801N 0801N C F C F 0801NYes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows that too many people have 0801N 0801N C 0801N died? 0801N 0801N F G C F 0801NThe answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, 0801N 0801N G C 0801NThe answer is blowin' in the wind. 0801N 0801N 0806Y00C5N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00J1NBLOWIN' IN THE WIND 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3N(VERSION II) 1201N 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C1NWords and music by Bob Dylan 1513Y00F04ruby15N 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00C4Y00J0N O O O X O O X X O 0801NG =========== C =========== D =========== 0801N | | | | | | | | | | 1 | | | | | | | 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0801N | 2 | | | | | | 2 | | | | | | 1 | 2 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0801N 3 | | | | 4 | 3 | | | | | | | | 3 | 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0801N | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | 0801N ----------- ----------- ----------- 0806Y00J0N 0801N 0806Y00C1NG C G C G 0801NHow many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? 0801N 0801N C G C D 0801NYes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand? 0801N 0801N G C G C 0801NYes, 'n' how many times must the Cannon balls fly beCore they're Forever 0801N 0801N G 0801N banned? 0801N 0801N C D G C 0801NThe answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, 0801N 0801N D G 0801NThe answer is blowin' in the wind. 0801N 0801NG C G C G 0801NHow many years Can a mountain exist before it's washed to the sea? 0801N 0801N C G C 0801NYes, 'n' how many years can some people exist before they're allowed to be 0801N 0801N D 0801N Free? 0801N 0801N G C G C 0801NYes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head, pretending he just don't 0801N 0801N G 0801N see? 0801N 0801N C D G C 0801NThe answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, 0801N 0801N D G 0801NThe answer is blowin' in the wind. 0801N 0801NG C G C G 0801NHow many times must a man look up before he can see the sky? 0801N 0801N C G C D 0801NYes, 'n' how many ears must must one man have before he can hear people cry? 0801N 0801N G C G C 0801NYes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows that too many people have 0801N 0801N G 0801N died? 0801N 0801N C D G C 0801NThe answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, 0801N 0801N D G 0801NThe answer is blowin' in the wind. *!EOF sion date : 02 Jan 1997 0801NFilled using : BEATLEG PC for Windows v1.2 0801NType of media : CD & copy 1997 Beatleg Project *!EOF BA@?>=<;:9876543210$HolmesNorwood2.ZOOv Yu5ThoughtPolice.ZOO 0 ganymede 24 0 1 0 514 0 11 roman 16 0 1 0 34 1 *!EOM 22 2437Y00F08ganymede24Y00J1Y00C4Y04S4Y11S0Nthe THOUGHT police 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C3NJ. u. d. e. 1501N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NLook out kids the thought police are coming. 1601NThey'll catch you unawares in the night. 1601NYou'll be woken by the charge of boots up 1601Nyour stairs at 5:00am, as they drag you from 1601Nyour beds and out onto the streets in your 1601Npajamas or even pulled out naked. Dawn's 1601Nthe best time to catch you and once your 1601Ncaught there is no way other than to do as 1601Nthey command. They'll know everything about 1601Nyou. Imagine everything you've ever said or 1601Ndone stored in a thick dossier as they go 1601Nthrough your past indiscretions against the 1601Nnorm and against the conformity. Whether 1601Nthey let you have a second chance is up to 1601Nthem. One thing is for sure and that's they 1601Nwill be in control. This is only a warning 1601Nto remind you to remember that we are all 1601Nbeing monitored somewhere. Even now. *!EOF sing : BEATLEG PC for Windows v1.2 0801NType of media : CD & copy 1997 Beatleg Project *!EOF BA@?>=<;:9876543210$HolmesNorwood2.ZOO7 Proof.ZOO 0 titania 24 0 1 0 34 0 19 prime 8 0 1 01409419 1 34 0 *!EOM 28 2426Y00F07titania24Y00C6Y00J1NProof Reading? 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C4NJude 0814Y00F05topaz08N 1430Y00F06avantg14Y00C4Y00S1Y00C3NFuck the spelling. Fuck the punctuation. Fuck the grammer. No. 1406Y00C1N 0819Y00F05prime08Y00J0NWho cares? If you don't like the lack of error checking in the Zoo then may 0801NI suggest you write a few articles then spell check them yourself, before 0801Nsending them. 0801N 0801NI really haven't got the time to bother with things so unimportant. It 0801Ndoesn't matter. 0801N 0801NIf the spelling mistakes and typos went from the Zoo it would take half the 0806Y50C4Nfun out of reading it. Take Uncle Jack's article 'What's been happening in 0806Y12C1Nthe soaps 2' - that was full of mistakes and all the better for them, as they 0801Ngave it an air of ridiculous, don't-give-a-damness. 0801N 0801NCome on, there's precious little intellectual content in the mag as it is, 0801Nwhich makes figuring out what we're really trying to say, under the mistakes 0806Y00S0Na challenge. Don't shy away from the challenge of your mental powers. 0801N 0811Y02C7Y10C1NI haven't checked this article so if there are any errors in it, it wouldn't 0801Nbe a funny turn if you sent them in. 0801N 0826Y00C2Y22C6Y47C2Y64C7Y67C6Nijipsh0gwghiWS]HhdAfhfjRHIAEHIdgdhY3P6fjgktt8437\p[k[U936Y9W3T7SGJXHdYG;;AFdr 0801N 3224Y00F05basic32Y00C5Y00J1NWhoops. *!EOF \& Holiday.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 0 806 0 9 taurus 16 0 3 03208412 1 806 1 *!EOM 13 3229Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C4Y00S2NThe Holiday 2425Y00F06taurus24Y00C5Y00S4NA true life poem from 3224Y00F05basic32Y00C4Y00S0NAndrew Hargreaves 0924Y00F05prime09Y00J1Y00C3N 1615Y00F06taurus16NWhat's the point of going for five nights, 1601NAll that way. Five long days and nights, 1601NI could think of a few, 1601NJust a few, 1601NWho's paying for this? 1601NI'm not, cos I'm straight, 1606Y00S4NStraight?.... 1606Y00S2NNo great. *!EOF t we're really trying to say, under the mistakes 0806Y00S0Na challenge. Don't shy away from the challenge of your mental powers. 0801N 0811Y02C7Y10C1NI haven't checked this article so if there are any errors in it, it wouldn't 0801Nbe a funny turn if you sent them in. 0801N 0826Y00C2Y22C6Y47C2Y64C7Y67C6Nijipsh0gwghiWS]HhdAfhfjRHIAEHIdgdhY3P6fjgktt8437\p[k[U936Y9W3T7SGJXHdYG;;AFdr 0801N 3224Y00F05basic32Y00C5Y00J1NWhoops. *!EOF CDole.ZOO 0 prime 9 0 1 0 4015 0 24 prime 8 0 5 22804303 1 4015 0 *!EOM 30 0924Y00F05prime09Y00C2Y00J1NHow To Be A Dole Cheat 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C6NIn 5 Easy Steps 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C5NUncle Jack 0901N 0829Y00F05prime08Y00C1Y00J0Y04C2N1> Fill in all forms with the name Eamonn Holmes, they like that black 0801N chappie. 0801N 0811Y00C1Y04C2N2> Be nice to all those old slappers behind the desk. You never know when 0801N an old slapper might help you out. 0801N 0811Y00C1Y04C2N3> You should always wear trendy trainers, because these give you 0801N credibility and a certain wowness which may influence payments herein. A 0801N good pair of benefit trainers is as good as a bribe made in a lump, cash 0801N sum. 0801N 0811Y00C1Y04C2N4> Eyetests are essential to the benefit fraud because in claiming money you 0801N will require your eyes to read and write on a document. Contact your 0801N local optician for further details on what great offers they have. 0801N 0811Y00C1Y04C2N5> Always clean your teeth, because they're is nothing like bad breath to 0801N put someone off giving you something. I should know about this cause I 0801N learnt the hardway, so don't be a fool, clean those teeth or face the 0801N consequences. 0801N 0806Y00C5NAny other benefit frauds should be sent on a stamp-licked envelope to the 0801Nusual address of the magazine so I can discover more ways of taking the state 0801Nfor a ride. 0801N 0801N *!EOF  ƚ&7%$#"!  Disclaimer.ZOO7 0 titania 24 0 1 0 1042 0 21 microknight 8 0 1 0 1042 0 *!EOM 40 2466Y00F07titania24Y00C1Y01C2Y02C5Y03C1Y04C2Y05C5Y06C1Y07C2Y08C5Y09C1NDISCLAIMER 2431Y00F07bookman24Y00C3Y04C5Y05C3NJude/Panda 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00J0N 0806Y00C5NThis is just routine. There probably isn`t anything in this issue to offend 0801Nanybody (now we've taken it out. Us censor, never). Just in case anything 0801Nthough here is the usual stuff: 0801N 0806Y00C1NWe would like to make clear that the opinions expressed in this magazine are 0806Y29S4Nnot necessarily our opinions, even though we wrote most of the articles. 0801N 0806Y00S0NThe Zoo is a real mixed bag of articles and it's guaranteed every reader is 0801Nbound to find something in hear which pisses them off. In the majority of 0801Ncases I think most of you can appreciate different opinions and also have a 0801Nvaried sense of humour. Remember just cause you didn't find something funny 0801Nit doesn't mean others didn't. If you don't like something then write an 0801Narticle disagreeing about whatever got on your tits. 0801N 0801NYour likely to come across articles dealing with subjects like drugs and 0801Nrobbery so I'd just like to make it clear that neither Panda or the Zoo 0801Ncondones such things. Probably more than half of the younger folk in this 0801Ncountry have had an `experimental session' with drugs, but by printing 0801Narticles on the subject we consider we are reflecting this reality, rather 0801Nthan encouraging people to break the law. We ask you to make you own mind 0801Nup on these kind of issues. Likewise an article telling you how to make a 0801Nradio scanner is not intended to encourage you to break the law, but we feel 0801Nthat a substantial number of readers would be intreasted to read about the 0801Nsubject for informative purposes. Come on, just supposing there's a story in 0801Nthis mag where a kid smashes up his Amiga, it doesn't mean we're telling you 0801Nto smash up your favourite girlfried, does it? When reading the Zoo let 0801Ncommon sense prevail, but be true to yourselves! 0801N 0801NPersons, placenames, events etc. are all entirely fictitous (unless there 0801Nfacts!) and are not based on anybody living or dead. Any similarity herein 0831Y25C6Y26C1Y27C6Y28C1Y74C7Y78C1Nis merely coincidental. E.g. Microsoft is a purely fictional company and PIP 0801Nis a fictional character, not at all based on a little weedy arse we know. 0801N 0806Y00C3NDon't sue us in court, please. 0801N 0896Y00J1Y00C4Y00S1Y01C5Y02C3Y03C4Y05C5Y06C3Y07C4Y08C5Y09C3Y10C4Y12C5Y13C3Y14C4Y15C5Y16C3Y17C4Y18C5NFREE SPEECH FOREVER *!EOF mething. I should know about this cause I 0801N learnt the hardway, so don't be a fool, clean those teeth or face the 0801N consequences. 0801N 0806Y00C5NAny other benefit frauds should be sent on a stamp-licked envelope to the 0801Nusual address of the magazine so I can discover more ways of taking the state 0801Nfor a ride. 0801N 0801N *!EOF &"'G*HGFEDCBA@?>=<;:9876543210/.-,+*)('C vHolmesNorwood5.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 529 0 9 bookman 24 0 5 0 529 0 30 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 55 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 80 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 105 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 130 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 155 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 180 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 205 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 230 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 255 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 280 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 305 pearl 8 0 1 0 529 0 *!EOM 328 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C1NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 2416Y00F07bookman24N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NExtracted from the novel: 1201NThe Return of Sherlock Holmes, A Collection of Holmes Adventures 2416Y00F07bookman24N 2406Y00C5Nby 2401NSIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE 2401N 2401N 2401N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NTHE ADVENTURE OF THE NORWOOD BUILDER 1606Y00C5NPart 5 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C1N 0801N 0801N"What a providential thing that this young man should press his right thumb 0801Nagainst the wall in taking his hat from the peg! Such a very natural action, 0801Ntoo, if you come to think of it." Holmes was outwardly calm, but his whole 0801Nbody gave a wriggle of suppressed excitement as he spoke. 0801N 0801N"By the way, Lestrade, who made this remarkable discovery?" 0801N 0801N"It was the housekeeper, Mrs. Lexington, who drew the night constable's 0801Nattention to it." 0801N 0801N"Where was the night constable?" 0801N 0801N"He remained on guard in the bedroom where the crime was committed, so as to 0801Nsee that nothing was touched." 0801N 0801N"But why didn't the police see this mark yesterday?" 0801N 0801N"Well, we had no particular reason to make a careful examination of the hall. 0801NBesides, it's not in a very prominent place, as you see." 0801N 0801N"No, no--of course not. I suppose there is no doubt that the mark was there 0801Nyesterday?" 0801N 0801NLestrade looked at Holmes as if he thought he was going out of his mind. I 0801Nconfess that I was myself surprised both at his hilarious manner and at his 0801Nrather wild observation. 0801N 0801N"I don't know whether you think that McFarlane came out of jail in the dead 0801Nof the night in order to strengthen the evidence against himself," said 0801NLestrade. "I leave it to any expert in the world whether that is not the 0801Nmark of his thumb." 0801N 0801N"It is unquestionably the mark of his thumb." 0801N 0801N"There, that's enough," said Lestrade. "I am a practical man, Mr. Holmes, 0801Nand when I have got my evidence I come to my conclusions. If you have 0801Nanything to say, you will find me writing my report in the sitting-room." 0801N 0801NHolmes had recovered his equanimity, though I still seemed to detect gleams 0801Nof amusement in his expression. 0801N 0801N"Dear me, this is a very sad development, Watson, is it not?" said he. "And 0801Nyet there are singular points about it which hold out some hopes for our 0801Nclient." 0801N 0801N"I am delighted to hear it," said I, heartily. "I was afraid it was all up 0801Nwith him." 0801N 0801N"I would hardly go so far as to say that, my dear Watson. The fact is that 0801Nthere is one really serious flaw in this evidence to which our friend 0801Nattaches so much importance." 0801N 0801N"Indeed, Holmes! What is it?" 0801N 0801N"Only this: that I KNOW that that mark was not there when I examined the 0801Nhall yesterday. And now, Watson, let us have a little stroll round in the 0801Nsunshine." 0801N 0801NWith a confused brain, but with a heart into which some warmth of hope was 0801Nreturning, I accompanied my friend in a walk round the garden. Holmes took 0801Neach face of the house in turn, and examined it with great interest. He then 0801Nled the way inside, and went over the whole building from basement to attic. 0801NMost of the rooms were unfurnished, but none the less Holmes inspected them 0801Nall minutely. Finally, on the top corridor, which ran outside three 0801Nuntenanted bedrooms, he again was seized with a spasm of merriment. 0801N 0801N"There are really some very unique features about this case, Watson," said 0801Nhe. "I think it is time now that we took our friend Lestrade into our 0801Nconfidence. He has had his little smile at our expense, and perhaps we may 0801Ndo as much by him, if my reading of this problem proves to be correct. Yes, 0801Nyes, I think I see how we should approach it." 0801N 0801NThe Scotland Yard inspector was still writing in the parlour when Holmes 0801Ninterrupted him. 0801N 0801N"I understood that you were writing a report of this case," said he. 0801N 0801N"So I am." 0801N 0801N"Don't you think it may be a little premature? I can't help thinking that 0801Nyour evidence is not complete." 0801N 0801NLestrade knew my friend too well to disregard his words. He laid down his 0801Npen and looked curiously at him. 0801N 0801N"What do you mean, Mr. Holmes?" 0801N 0801N"Only that there is an important witness whom you have not seen." 0801N 0801N"Can you produce him?" 0801N 0801N"I think I can." 0801N 0801N"Then do so." 0801N 0801N"I will do my best. How many constables have you?" 0801N 0801N"There are three within call." 0801N 0801N"Excellent!" said Holmes. "May I ask if they are all large, able-bodied men 0801Nwith powerful voices?" 0801N 0801N"I have no doubt they are, though I fail to see what their voices have to do 0801Nwith it." 0801N 0801N"Perhaps I can help you to see that and one or two other things as well," 0801Nsaid Holmes. "Kindly summon your men, and I will try." 0801N 0801NFive minutes later, three policemen had assembled in the hall. 0801N 0801N"In the outhouse you will find a considerable quantity of straw," said 0801NHolmes. "I will ask you to carry in two bundles of it. I think it will be 0801Nof the greatest assistance in producing the witness whom I require. Thank 0801Nyou very much. I believe you have some matches in your pocket Watson. Now, 0801NMr. Lestrade, I will ask you all to accompany me to the top landing." 0801N 0801NAs I have said, there was a broad corridor there, which ran outside three 0801Nempty bedrooms. At one end of the corridor we were all marshalled by 0801NSherlock Holmes, the constables grinning and Lestrade staring at my friend 0801Nwith amazement, expectation, and derision chasing each other across his 0801Nfeatures. Holmes stood before us with the air of a conjurer who is 0801Nperforming a trick. 0801N 0801N"Would you kindly send one of your constables for two buckets of water? Put 0801Nthe straw on the floor here, free from the wall on either side. Now I think 0801Nthat we are all ready." 0801N 0801NLestrade's face had begun to grow red and angry. "I don't know whether you 0801Nare playing a game with us, Mr. Sherlock Holmes," said he. "If you know 0801Nanything, you can surely say it without all this tomfoolery." 0801N 0801N"I assure you, my good Lestrade, that I have an excellent reason for 0801Neverything that I do. You may possibly remember that you chaffed me a 0801Nlittle, some hours ago, when the sun seemed on your side of the hedge, so you 0801Nmust not grudge me a little pomp and ceremony now. Might I ask you, Watson, 0801Nto open that window, and then to put a match to the edge of the straw?" 0801N 0801NI did so, and driven by the draught a coil of gray smoke swirled down the 0801Ncorridor, while the dry straw crackled and flamed. 0801N 0801N"Now we must see if we can find this witness for you, Lestrade. Might I ask 0801Nyou all to join in the cry of `Fire!'? Now then; one, two, three----" 0801N 0801N"Fire!" we all yelled. 0801N 0801N"Thank you. I will trouble you once again." 0801N 0801N"Fire!" 0801N 0801N"Just once more, gentlemen, and all together." 0801N 0801N"Fire!" The shout must have rung over Norwood. 0801N 0801NIt had hardly died away when an amazing thing happened. A door suddenly flew 0801Nopen out of what appeared to be solid wall at the end of the corridor, and a 0801Nlittle, wizened man darted out of it, like a rabbit out of its burrow. 0801N 0801N"Capital!" said Holmes, calmly. "Watson, a bucket of water over the straw. 0801NThat will do! Lestrade, allow me to present you with your principal missing 0801Nwitness, Mr. Jonas Oldacre." 0801N 0801NThe detective stared at the newcomer with blank amazement. The latter was 0801Nblinking in the bright light of the corridor, and peering at us and at the 0801Nsmouldering fire. It was an odious face--crafty, vicious, malignant, with 0801Nshifty, light-gray eyes and white lashes. 0801N 0801N"What's this, then?" said Lestrade, at last. "What have you been doing all 0801Nthis time, eh?" 0801N 0801NOldacre gave an uneasy laugh, shrinking back from the furious red face of the 0801Nangry detective. 0801N 0801N"I have done no harm." 0801N 0801N"No harm? You have done your best to get an innocent man hanged. If it 0801Nwasn't for this gentleman here, I am not sure that you would not have 0801Nsucceeded." 0801N 0801NThe wretched creature began to whimper. 0801N 0801N"I am sure, sir, it was only my practical joke." 0801N 0801N"Oh! a joke, was it? You won't find the laugh on your side, I promise you. 0801NTake him down, and keep him in the sitting-room until I come. Mr. Holmes," 0801Nhe continued, when they had gone, "I could not speak before the constables, 0801Nbut I don't mind saying, in the presence of Dr. Watson, that this is the 0801Nbrightest thing that you have done yet, though it is a mystery to me how you 0801Ndid it. You have saved an innocent man's life, and you have prevented a very 0801Ngrave scandal, which would have ruined my reputation in the Force." 0801N 0801NHolmes smiled, and clapped Lestrade upon the shoulder. 0801N 0801N"Instead of being ruined, my good sir, you will find that your reputation has 0801Nbeen enormously enhanced. Just make a few alterations in that report which 0801Nyou were writing, and they will understand how hard it is to throw dust in 0801Nthe eyes of Inspector Lestrade." 0801N 0801N"And you don't want your name to appear?" 0801N 0801N"Not at all. The work is its own reward. Perhaps I shall get the credit 0801Nalso at some distant day, when I permit my zealous historian to lay out his 0801Nfoolscap once more--eh, Watson? Well, now, let us see where this rat has 0801Nbeen lurking." 0801N 0801NA lath-and-plaster partition had been run across the passage six feet from 0801Nthe end, with a door cunningly concealed in it. It was lit within by slits 0801Nunder the eaves. A few articles of furniture and a supply of food and water 0801Nwere within, together with a number of books and papers. 0801N 0801N"There's the advantage of being a builder," said Holmes, as we came out. "He 0801Nwas able to fix up his own little hiding-place without any confederate--save, 0801Nof course, that precious housekeeper of his, whom I should lose no time in 0801Nadding to your bag, Lestrade." 0801N 0801N"I'll take your advice. But how did you know of this place, Mr. Holmes?" 0801N 0801N"I made up my mind that the fellow was in hiding in the house. When I paced 0801None corridor and found it six feet shorter than the corresponding one below, 0801Nit was pretty clear where he was. I thought he had not the nerve to lie 0801Nquiet before an alarm of fire. We could, of course, have gone in and taken 0801Nhim, but it amused me to make him reveal himself. Besides, I owed you a 0801Nlittle mystification, Lestrade, for your chaff in the morning." 0801N 0801N"Well, sir, you certainly got equal with me on that. But how in the world 0801Ndid you know that he was in the house at all?" 0801N 0801N"The thumb-mark, Lestrade. You said it was final; and so it was, in a very 0801Ndifferent sense. I knew it had not been there the day before. I pay a good 0801Ndeal of attention to matters of detail, as you may have observed, and I had 0801Nexamined the hall, and was sure that the wall was clear. Therefore, it had 0801Nbeen put on during the night." 0801N 0801N"But how?" 0801N 0801N"Very simply. When those packets were sealed up, Jonas Oldacre got McFarlane 0801Nto secure one of the seals by putting his thumb upon the soft wax. It would 0801Nbe done so quickly and so naturally, that I daresay the young man himself has 0801Nno recollection of it. Very likely it just so happened, and Oldacre had 0801Nhimself no notion of the use he would put it to. Brooding over the case in 0801Nthat den of his, it suddenly struck him what absolutely damning evidence he 0801Ncould make against McFarlane by using that thumb-mark. It was the simplest 0801Nthing in the world for him to take a wax impression from the seal, to 0801Nmoisten it in as much blood as he could get from a pin-prick, and to put the 0801Nmark upon the wall during the night, either with his own hand or with that of 0801Nhis housekeeper. If you examine among those documents which he took with him 0801Ninto his retreat, I will lay you a wager that you find the seal with the 0801Nthumb-mark upon it." 0801N 0801N"Wonderful!" said Lestrade. "Wonderful! It's all as clear as crystal, as 0801Nyou put it. But what is the object of this deep deception, Mr. Holmes?" 0801N 0801NIt was amusing to me to see how the detective's overbearing manner had 0801Nchanged suddenly to that of a child asking questions of its teacher. 0801N 0801N"Well, I don't think that is very hard to explain. A very deep, malicious, 0801Nvindictive person is the gentleman who is now waiting us downstairs. You 0801Nknow that he was once refused by McFarlane's mother? You don't! I told you 0801Nthat you should go to Blackheath first and Norwood afterwards. Well, this 0801Ninjury, as he would consider it, has rankled in his wicked, scheming brain, 0801Nand all his life he has longed for vengeance, but never seen his chance. 0801NDuring the last year or two, things have gone against him--secret 0801Nspeculation, I think--and he finds himself in a bad way. He determines to 0801Nswindle his creditors, and for this purpose he pays large checks to a certain 0801NMr. Cornelius, who is, I imagine, himself under another name. I have not 0801Ntraced these checks yet, but I have no doubt that they were banked under that 0801Nname at some provincial town where Oldacre from time to time led a double 0801Nexistence. He intended to change his name altogether, draw this money, and 0801Nvanish, starting life again elsewhere." 0801N 0801N"Well, that's likely enough." 0801N 0801N"It would strike him that in disappearing he might throw all pursuit off his 0801Ntrack, and at the same time have an ample and crushing revenge upon his old 0801Nsweetheart, if he could give the impression that he had been murdered by her 0801Nonly child. It was a masterpiece of villainy, and he carried it out like a 0801Nmaster. The idea of the will, which would give an obvious motive for the 0801Ncrime, the secret visit unknown to his own parents, the retention of the 0801Nstick, the blood, and the animal remains and buttons in the wood-pile, all 0801Nwere admirable. It was a net from which it seemed to me, a few hours ago, 0801Nthat there was no possible escape. But he had not that supreme gift of the 0801Nartist, the knowledge of when to stop. He wished to improve that which was 0801Nalready perfect--to draw the rope tighter yet round the neck of his 0801Nunfortunate victim--and so he ruined all. Let us descend, Lestrade. There 0801Nare just one or two questions that I would ask him." 0801N 0801NThe malignant creature was seated in his own parlour, with a policeman upon 0801Neach side of him. 0801N 0801N"It was a joke, my good sir--a practical joke, nothing more," he whined 0801Nincessantly. "I assure you, sir, that I simply concealed myself in order to 0801Nsee the effect of my disappearance, and I am sure that you would not be so 0801Nunjust as to imagine that I would have allowed any harm to befall poor young 0801NMr. McFarlane." 0801N 0801N"That's for a jury to decide," said Lestrade. "Anyhow, we shall have you on 0801Na charge of conspiracy, if not for attempted murder." 0801N 0801N"And you'll probably find that your creditors will impound the banking 0801Naccount of Mr. Cornelius," said Holmes. 0801N 0801NThe little man started, and turned his malignant eyes upon my friend. 0801N 0801N"I have to thank you for a good deal," said he. "Perhaps I'll pay my debt 0801Nsome day." 0801N 0801NHolmes smiled indulgently. 0801N 0801N"I fancy that, for some few years, you will find your time very fully 0801Noccupied," said he. "By the way, what was it you put into the wood-pile 0801Nbesides your old trousers? A dead dog, or rabbits, or what? You won't tell? 0801NDear me, how very unkind of you! Well, well, I daresay that a couple of 0801Nrabbits would account both for the blood and for the charred ashes. If ever 0801Nyou write an account, Watson, you can make rabbits serve your turn." *!EOF ddress of the magazine so I can discover more ways of taking the state 0801Nfor a ride. 0801N 0801N *!EOF I JFRQPONMLKJC Aidan.ZOO 0 bookman 24 0 1 0 529 0 22 pcclone 8 0 6 0 529 0 47 pcclone 8 0 6 0 529 0 *!EOM 64 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00C3Y00J1NWhere's Aidan's Speckeled Ball? 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00C2Y00J1NBy Jude/Panda 1201N 0826Y00F07pcclone08Y00C6Y00J0NThomas was a name in the biblical sense. His parents had named him after the 0801Nbible, but he didn't like that so he changed it to Thomas instead. Truth be 0801Nknown he didn't like Thomas, but it was better than Aidan or Leo or any name 0801Nof that variety. Leo didn't like his name, which just went to show that all 0801Nthe worlds a stage. 0801N 0801NThomas and Leo and Aidan and their only other friend in the whole world, 0801NRichy went out for a night on the town. After that they went onto a night in 0801Nthe town, followed by a night about the town, followed by a quick rub and 0801Nwash down and finally a quick night down the town and cocktails and then 0806Y44C5Nsleep. The sleep, though isn't important. Nothing happened during the 0801Nsleep. 0801N 0806Y00C6NLeo and Aidan had been talking all night about their favourite eighties 0821Y08S4Y26S0Y31S4Y45S0Nmovies `The Three Amigos` and `The Money Pit.` Richy tried to join this 0801Nconversation, but he was dismissed under grounds of being thrown, quite 0801Nliterally to the ground. Aidan believed that Tom Hanks had appeared briefly 0821Y04S4Y21S0Y35S4Y49S0Nin `The Three Amigos`, as well as `The Money Pit`, but Aidan new very little. 0801N 0801NThe group of the youths that were, bought a round of drinks each until they 0801Nhad all had 3 drinks and then Aidan decied he would rather keep his money to 0801None side (of his personage) for a pair of new shirt. Whoops! - Aidan gets 0801Nhis shirt spilt right down his front... oh dear... how did that happen? 0801N 0801NThomas talks to Richy about philosophical areas, Richy talks (very briefly) 0801Nabout some `old slaphards` who are `looking for a jolly roger good and ing.` 0801NThanks for that piece of your advice Richy. 0801N 0801NThomas and Leo decide it is time to play a funny joke on Aidan, but this joke 0801Nis not to fill his glass with purified urine, fresh from bowels. It is 0801Ndecided that they shall decide to ignore Aidan whenever he says a comment 0801Ncontaining any work in the English language, with no obvious exceptions. 0801NAidan falls straight into their trap when he asks Thomas for the loan of his 0801Nhouse for 6 weeks in return for a spark plug. Aidan is directly ignored and 0811Y21C2Y27C6Nreitterates the jist (JIST) of his sentance. Leo and Thomas just mock him 0801Nwith crippled spastic faces and although Richy is not a-party to the nature 0801Nof the jest, he manages to appear suitably facially inept. Aidan explodes 0801Ninto a wild-eyed beastial-man and pilages the bar stuard. The bar stuard is 0801Nnot gay, but does like planes. Aidan listens to the music and starts dancing 0801Non a table like a monkey on vitamin shots. Everybody in the bar laughs. 0801NAidan laughs. Everybody in the bar laughs at Aidan. Aidan stops laughing. 0801NThe bar carry on laughing. Aidan is stoney jawed. The bar grow tired of 0801Nlaughing. Aidan starts laughing. The bar leaves. The people follow th bar 0801Nout the door. 0801N 0801NOutside Aidan stumbles on Thomas's quick witted tongue. 0801N 0801NLeo suggests they all buy a final drink. Everyone agrees, except Richy who 0801Nwalks the 15 miles home to a house he has no friends in. Aidan is also so 0801Ntired and he curls into a ball and falls asleep. Leo starts playing up his 0801Nmovements and declares his loins are faltering. Thomas throws up over 0801NAidan's shoes outside the pub. Aidan does not wake, even though he is 0801Ncovered in many funny things. Aidan is kicked to the bus depo and left. Leo 0801Nfalls home. Thomas vomits Leo all the way, so to speak. Leo is a wreck of 0801Nhis former structure and vomits in his fathers funny pizza-chef hat which the 0801Nfamily has to eat out of. Thomas starts going funny in the kitchen - if 0801NAidan was here he would have his back to the wall by now. But Aidan isn't 0801Nhere. 0801N 0816Y00C5Y00J1Y14C6NWhere is Aidan - can you see him (rhetoriacl we don't care). *!EOF , PipEasy.ZOOSTu[ZYXWVUT8C Beatsuck.ZOO 0 prime 9 0 1 0 533 0 22 prime 8 0 1 0 533 0 47 prime 8 0 1 19806807 1 533 0 *!EOM 54 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C4NBACK WITH ANOTHER OF THOSE COFFEE TABLE ROCKING BEATS: 2422Y00F08ganymede24Y00C7NBy Fishboy/Panda 0814Y00F05prime08N 0806Y00C1NRepublica, Olive, The noise your TV makes when tuned to BBC1 at 4am. Spot the 0801Ndifference... Wha? You can't? 0801N 0811Y00C2Y08C1NSCULLY: Mulder, this is ridiculous. 0811Y00C5Y08C1NMULDER: Thats what I thought at first but if you re-tune all three to a 0801N frequency of 500hz. 0811Y00C2Y07C7NSCULLY: MY GOD! 0811Y00C5Y08C1NMULDER: Yes, they all sound like the noise those little toy plastic guitars 0801N you can get in motorway service stations make. 0801N 0806Y00C1NHmm. Scary huh? Bet you didn't know that Robert Miles, the 35 year old 0801N"Attractive in severe lighting" Saffron out of Republica and the built out of 0801Nspare bits of kinder egg toys lead singer of Olive are all entirely fictional 0801Ncharacters. Look closely when they're on TV and you might notice a big 0801Nplastic mold line reminiscent of old Star Wars figures running between their 0801Neyes and right down their fronts. Infact they all have little holes in their 0801Nfeet so you can stick them on the little pegs on the floor of the Millenium 0811Y61C3Y71C1NFalcon and run around your house pretending to fly it without Han Solo 0801Nfalling over. 0801N 0801NYes, they are all opperated by remote control and their voices produced using 0801None of those cool "Voice Man" things that McAuley Culkin had on Home Alone 2. 0801NYou too can make your own hit records using a home computer and a "Voice Man" 0801Njust sample the theme tunes to Tommorows World along with any old and 0801Nembarrasing records you have lieing around from when you were twelve (Ace of 0801NBase and 2 Unlimited tend to work best) and set the "Voice Man" to "Robot" 0801Nsetting. Alternatively, use the built in microphone from the old "Snake 0801NMountain" He-man toy to produce that "Scary Trip Hop" effect. 0801N 0801NI never had a "Snake Mountain" or a "Castle Grey Skull" but I did have 0806Y37C2NModulock - "The bionic effort" whoose body could be "remolded genetically" 0806Y24C1Ninto anything you wanted. Most people just stuck a head or an arm where his 0801Nnob should be though. They bought out a second version of Modulock with all 0806Y41S2Nrobotic arms and stuff. But it was shit. Incidently all He-man toys came with 0801Na little comic and the Modulock one was called: "The Treachery Of Modulock". 0801N 0806Y00S0NThis is however irrelevant. These stars of "New Electronica" are constantly 0801Nbeing slandered as "Commercial", "Manufactured" and "Coffee-Table music for 0801Ndumb ass yuppies". This is unfair, the Faithless Cheery Breakfast Cereal, 0801NPanini Republica Sticker book 97 and an exclusive range of CJ Bolland tazos 0801Nare all "legitimate side projects". 0801N 0801NThe funniest thing about all these bands though is watching them on top of 0801Nthe pops where a thundering 170rpm breakbeat is always played by some idiot 0801Nwith his tounge hanging out sitting in front of a huge drum kit but only ever 0801Nhitting two drums like the reincarnated spirit of Big Chief Sitting Bull. 0801NThey always have some bass player with dreadlocks as well who does the "Oh 0801Nno! I've just fallen on my arse and it fucking well hurts" dance and twangs a 0806Y70C5Nstring every half hour. And a bloke with a pair of really tall bongos. What 0801Nis the deal with those really tall bongos? *!EOF e would have his back to the wall by now. But Aidan isn't 0801Nhere. 0801N 0816Y00C5Y00J1Y14C6NWhere is Aidan - can you see him (rhetoriacl we don't care). *!EOF , PipEasy.ZOO\ ]\qOfedcba`_^]eCy Buried3.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 37400502 1 33 0 19 topaz 8 0 4 0 33 0 44 topaz 8 0 4 0 33 0 69 topaz 8 0 4 0 33 0 *!EOM 73 3214Y00F05basic32NMan Buried Alive 2422Y00F08ganymede24Y00C6NPart 3 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C5NHank Christler 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C4N 0811Y00S4Y00S0NWe left Mr Jarvis's tale aboard the alien mothership where he was in the 0801Nprocess of being examined by beings of an unknown nature, not known to our 0801Nown basic nature. Ainsley was meanwhile, of course, in a state of paralised 0801Ncoma back on earth, rather like the state of death in that he could not move 0801Nand did not breath with his lungs. 0801N 0806Y13S4NJarvis says: "I really can't tell you what was happening on earth right then. 0801NYou want to know that side of the story, then you better ask the mole man. 0806Y48S0NYes sir, The Mole is the fella with the facts!" 0801N 0806Y51C5NThe Mole's account can be found in his new book - `I Saved The Earth From The 0806Y12C4NMutant Slime`, where The Mole attempts to set down his side of the story in 0801Nsimple words that the layman can follow without need for reference 0801Ndictionary, or even basic pamphletery. Although the scope of the book is 0801Nrather limited (Moley basicly describes how he slapped uncontious Ainsley 0801Nabout the face, to no avail within the 325, cheaply bound pages) it is worth 0801Nperhaps borrowing from a friend, or perhaps a lending institution. The book 0801Nretails at a meagre $23, or little over, but it is bound in fine board and 0801Ncomes with a photo of The Mole on the back, which I now believe has been 0801Nslightly touched up around the cheeks' bone! - Read the full article on this 0801Nfabulous cover-up in a forthcoming issue! I do not recommend the purchasing 0801Nof The Mole's book as it is poor. 0801N 0801NJarvis has commented on his conditions aboard the vessel in an earlier 0801Nsection of this article, but he now remembers no later occurances within his 0801Nconfinement. He claims that the aliens were basicly kind to him and tried to 0801Ndrive their bore probes only into the fleshy, semi-usful areas of his skin 0801Nand organs. 0801N 0806Y00S4N"It hurt. Yes, I can't pretend it didn't hurt and I still find myself 0801Ntoppling out of bed in the night with carcass spasms due to my muscular 0801Nanomolies. I try not to cry over it, what can I do about my lack... but it 0801Nis tough. I'm coping, though. I coping! Yeah, I'm really trying here." 0801N 0806Y00S0NJarvis's funeral on earth was sparsly attended. Dave and The Mole had prior 0801Narrangements, signing a lucrative deal with Fortein Times. Jarvis's wife 0801Nclaimed to be comforting grieving relatives, but rumours pursist about her 0801Nhaving an affair with Ainsley's boss, during this period. Jarvis's wife 0801Nclaims she only went to Mister Kiddle in grieve, but this hasn't stopped the 0801Npoor man's good name being dragged through the National Enquirer by Ainsley's 0801Ngutter-slut of a wife. 0801N 0801NJarvis was dug up by the hound after the beast heard his underground, grave- 0801Nyard cries with his supersonic ears. No one believed Jarvis's story at 0801Nfirst, but it is up to the believers to topple over the heretic none 0801Nbelievers and clense our nation of these blastphemors, who mock the work of 0801Nthe great alien sighter, Ainsley Jarvis. 0801N 0806Y00S4N"Sure I felt bitter about some of the stories in the press. Wouldn't you. 0801NThey branded me a street crazy, can you credit it? I wandered around dazed 0801Nwith this shock for weeks and as I walked passed my neighbours gardens my 0801Nfellow avenuers pulled their children away from me, sending them indoors, 0801Nthinking me to be some kind of pervert. Me a pervert. I saw aliens, yes is 0801Nthat a crime? I saw aliens yes, yes, yes - but I never layed my palms on a 0801Nsingle child I swear. I had kids of my own once. I know what it's like." 0801N 0806Y00S0NAinsley is in financial trouble today. He's had one too many stock market 0801Nflops, one too many lay-offs from jobs, one too many petty thieving offences 0801Nand one too many jay walks and similar misdermenours. Perhaps it would be 0801Nnaieve to expect us all to believe him... perhaps. I sight the case of 0801NAinsley Jarvis up their with the scandal of Watergate and the assassination 0801Nof our beloved John Fitz-Gerald Kennedy. Did our noble President die in 0801Nvain? Ainsley Jarvis is the greatist state cover-up this century. It is a 0801Ndisgrace and a scandal that this is one of the few places you can read freely 0801Nabout Jarvis, without being followed by them. They'll get us all soon 0801Nenough. It's time to decide what you really believe. Now is the time. Come 0801Nbrothers, come sisters wherever you roam.... for the times they are `A` 0801Ncha----an---gin. *!EOF  Beatleg.ZOOgh5nmlkjih C9 Cheese.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 14612211 1 550 0 18 ruby 12 0 5 02202013 1 550 1 36 pearl 8 0 4 0 550 0 58 pearl 8 0 4 41009005 1 550 0 *!EOM 69 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C3N"MIND THE CHEESE" 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C5Nby Mr Kevin 0901Nwith contributions from 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C1NDomino (i.e. the shit bits, the gags about the male genitalia... i.e. the 0801Nmale shortcoming and the testickled.) 0801N 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C4NWe appologise for lack of effort but we really couldn't be bothered making 0801Nthe effort as we didn't have the ingrediants. 0801N 0801NReading festival eh? a festival celebrating the great alternative music of 0801NRock or a wanky town where a bunch of losers go when they can't get tickets 0801Nto Glastonbury. 0806Y00J1N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C5NThe year 1201N1996 1201N 1201NThe place 1206Y00C2NReading 1206Y00C5N 1201NThe people 1201NFISH BOY - Translator of cosmic waves 1201N 1201NPHIL- Excellent Trader 1201N 1201NMELEE- Master of black arts 1201N 1201NMR KEVIN- Skilled in DANEROUS CHEESES? 1201N 1513Y00F04ruby15NThe time 1501NAbout half six in the morning 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0811Y00J0Y00C4NThe calm before the storm, Manchester bus station completly buggered (some 0801Nirish blokes left a package there, apparently!). Have you ever been buggered 0801Nin a bus station.... it was a tight squeeze I can tell you... er.. packing 0801NMelee's life support machine and anti-static wrist support in my small 0801Ngentleman's atache case. The coach was even worse, being full of City Fans 0801N(one), Yes, Apparently their entire Following Was Going to Reading as well. 0801N 0801NThe bus driver repeatedly told us 'Don't go there', Go where we asked, 0801NReading its full of hippys. Peace Man we retorted, proffering The Cheese. 0801NWe suspected that the the driver was telling Porkies, but there were one or 0801Ntwo people arround that seemed to be stuck permanatly in the sixties, the 0801NEighteen Sixties. 0801N 0801NErrecting our humble travelling abode 'within peeing distance' of 0801Nconveniences, we quickly discovered that in Reading, people could pee quite 0801Nfar, as the large number of wet stains, and the slightly wiffy odour 0801Neminating from one tent of the humble structure. We now had an Errect Abode 0801NMelle and Mr Kevin were very adept in geting things errect, they had no 0801Ntrouble with the abode, having had it errect some days before. 0801N---how many more nob gags can i squeeze into a tent---. It was a Bottomless 0801Ntent, so i fitted an Arse gag in for good mesure, but the arse gag wouldn't 0801Nfit Phil's good measure. 0801N 0801NOh look, then Phils Came. He just poped it out for a minute. 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C7N(Nobs 6, Arse 1) 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0811Y00J0Y00C4NThen we went to sleep. Then we saw some bands including: 0801NThe Pinups and others, but especialy The Pinups. 0801N 0806Y00C1N[The following is based directly on group observations of hearingness, 0801Ndescended from others within this room. It might just add to this.] 0801N 0806Y00C6NThey have this Chinese Guy who came on half way through the set and smashed 0801Nup the amps with selotape and a knackered guitar with this guy just sitting 0801Non a chair, then he got up, said something Japanese. I've forgetten the cds. 0801NThey might be on here, if we're lucky, but no feedback and... why are there 0801Nno cds in here. Who made it. Might be on here. *!EOF o p6k<xwvutsrqpC Comedy.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 289 0 18 pearl 8 0 4 0 274 0 43 pearl 8 0 4 0 529 0 63 pearl 8 0 5 0 289 0 86 pearl 8 0 2 0 274 0 *!EOM 96 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NBBC Entertainment - COMEDY WRITING 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C4NLeached From 1201NBBC Web Site 1506Y00C1N 1415Y00F06avantg14NSo you want to write comedy for BBC Television? 1401N 1401NWhat shows does BBC Comedy make? 1406Y00C3N 0814Y00F05pearl08NThe BBC Comedy Department is responsible for situation comedy series, such as 0801N"One Foot In The Grave", "Men Behaving Badly", "Bottom", and "Only Fools and 0801NHorses". Such series almost invariably consist of six or seven 30 minute 0801Nepisodes recorded in front of a studio audience. 0801N 0806Y00C1N 1415Y00F06avantg14NI want to write a situation comedy series. What should I do? 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C4N 0814Y00F05pearl08NHere are a few tips on what to submit: 0801N 0801NInitially submit one 30 minute script. Further episodes, plot lines or 0801Ndetailed character notes are unnecessary. The one script should convey the 0801Ncharacters, the series potential of the idea and your comedy writing ability. 0801N 0801NThe script should be well laid out and easy to read. It should consist 0801Nmainly of dialogue. Keep stage directions and descriptive passages to an 0801Nessential minimum. 0801N 0801NThe series premise should be very simple. A small but disparate collection 0801Nof people living or working together. Avoid bringing and keeping your 0801Ncharacters together through some elaborate contrivance. 0801N 0801NThe vast bulk of the action should ideally take place in no more than two or 0801Nthree settings that can be used episode after episode. 0801N 0801NMost sitcom characters are larger than life, but recognisably from life. 0801NRich in comic potential and emotional appeal, but believable. 0801N 0801NShow, don't tell. Make your characters do things which show what they are 0801Nlike. Try not to have them simply standing around telling us. 0801N 0801NSitcoms tend to be about people in stasis. At the end of each episode they 0801Nare almost always back at square one. They must not stay at square one 0801Nthroughout the episode, however. They should have a specific aim to fulfil 0801Nor problem to solve in each episode which causes them to go right round the 0801Nboard. 0801N 0801NTry to be original, inventive, and surprising. The most crucial aspect of 0801Nyour sitcom script is that it must be funny. 0801N 0806Y00C1N 1415Y00F06avantg14NWhere do I send my situation comedy script? 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C5N 0801NAll new speculative scripts should be sent by post to: 0801N 1213Y00F04ruby12NTHE COMEDY SCRIPT UNIT (WWW) 1201NENTERTAINMENT GROUP 1201NBBC TV CENTRE 1201NWOOD LANE 1201NLONDON W12 7RJ 1201NUNITED KINGDOM 1201N 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0801NPlease enclose a script-size stamped, addressed envelope. 0801N 0801NThe BBC Comedy Department receives hundreds of scripts every year. All are 0801Nread, and if yours shows real potential it will be followed up. 0801N 0806Y00C1N 1415Y00F06avantg14NHow do I get tickets to a recording? 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C2N 0801NYou are welcome to come and watch many of the comedy shows being recorded at 0801NBBC TV Centre. Please contact BBC Audience Services. 0801N 0801N 1415Y00F06avantg14NI want to write sketch comedy. What should I do? 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0801NAt present there is no BBC TV show which considers unsolicited sketches. If 0801Nyou want to take sketch writing further, there is a well worn path you may 0801Nlike to tread. 0801N 0801NThe long-running BBC Radio 4 show "Week Ending" holds weekly open meetings 0801Nfor anyone interested in writing and has a policy of reading and using 0801Nunsolicited material, as does another Radio 4 favourite, "The News 0801NHuddlines." 0801N 0801NMost TV shows do not consider non-commissioned submissions, but one or two, 0801Ne.g. "Spitting Image" and "Hale and Pace" have done in the past. You should 0801Nalways find out what a given show's policy is first, and then, if they are 0801Nreceptive, target your sketches to their requirements to ensure the best 0801Nchance of success. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y04C2NN.B. Many of the major broadcasters' shows are produced by independent 0801Nproduction companies, e.g. "Smith and Jones" at Talkback. In these cases you 0801Nshould write direct to the production company, not via the BBC or ITV. 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1NGood luck! *!EOF y z~}|{zCContribute.ZOO 0 microknight 32 0 1 0 785 0 19 microknight 8 0 1 0 785 0 41 microknight 8 0 1 0 785 0 63 microknight 8 0 1 42601409 1 785 1 81 basic 32 0 5 4440792301207722 2 785 1 *!EOM 84 3234Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C5Y00S4Y16S2NContributing To The Zoo 2426Y00F07titania24Y00C6Y00S0NMelee & Jude 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00J0N 0806Y00C2NWe really need your stuff to put in the magazine. Each of you has the 0801Nability to produce something of worth for the mag, so keep The Zoo going by 0811Y27S2Y52S0Ncontributing articles etc. and showing your support. 0801N 0801NSo long as your work is your own and fufils the requirements below it will 0811Y03C6Y10C2Nbe gladly accepted: 0801N 0801N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C5NDISK FORMATS 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C1N 0801NIf you are going to send us somthing, it should be on a standard double 0801Ndensity 3.5" disk. We can deal with your work on CDs, but frankly it's not 0801Nlikely that your going CD press your contributions! PC disks are also 0811Y45C4Y75C1Nacceptable so long as they are double density (DEFINITELY NOT HIGH DENSITY) 0801Nand contain the files in the correct format, instead of weird PC formats. 0801N 0801N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C5NARTICLES 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C1N 0801NText articles in ASCII or that funny Wordworth format which is a bit of a 0801Nbitch, so preferbly ASCII. Are current format for articles is 80 characters 0801Nper line, which is quite alot. Most quality word processers can be easily 0801Nset to this limit, but it may be simple for you to use a simple text editor, 0801Neven Ed (given away free with workbench will do). Please don't include 0801Ncolour codes etc. 0801N 0801N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C5NPICTURES FOR INSIDE THE MAGAZINE 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C1N 0811Y26C6Y43C1NPictures should be in IFF (Dpaint standard) or if you must GIF, lowres NTSC 0801N(320x200) in upto 32 colours. Any kind of pictures will do, especially 0801Ncomics and jokes - panneled humourous pieces, if you like. We do. 0801N 0801N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C5NTITLE PICTURES 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0806Y00C1NTitle screen pictures are always in demand. You can do these in whatever 0801Nresolution, even overscan, so long as they don't have to be scrolled, as that 0801Nwould be sheer madness! Please stick to a palette supported by ECS mode 0801Nmachines so, sorry no AGA, but it's only a matter of time... I'm sure. We 0801Nneed a Panda logo pic and a `The Zoo' pic. Please don't put the issue number 0801Non this pic, because it could go on any issue. I'll (Jude) do it and I 0801Npromise not to arse your pic up! If you don't trust me then send a second 0801Npiccy (in the same palette!) with a variety of issue numbers in it and we'll 0801Njust cut and paste. 0801N 0801N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C5NMODULES 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C1N 0801NAny mods would be greatfully accepted. The files must be in Tracker format, 0841Y03C2Y04C6Y05C2Y06C6Y08C5Y09C4Y10C5Y11C1Nno SHIT MED if you please. Original tunes which don`t irritate whilst 0811Y09S4Y17S0Nreading. Mellow is the word in disk mag tunes. 0801N 0801N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C4NADVERTS 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C1N 0811Y08C3Y37C1NSee the `How To Advertise In The Zoo` article for more information. 0801N 0801N 0801NHere's the address for your stuff to be sent to: 0806Y00J1N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C6NJude/Panda 1206Y00C3NThe Zoo 1206Y00C5N49 Judeland 1206Y00C2NAstley Village 1206Y00C4NChorley 1206Y00C6NLancs 1211Y00C4Y00C1NPR7 1XJ 1201N 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00J0Y00C1NIf you still are unsure about how to send your stuff then write to us. Of 0801Ncourse if your going to write to queary if your stuff is okay you may as well 0801Nsend it in, in it's present state. We can probably sort it out for you. 0801N 0801NIf you want your disks returned a repliey or want to swap GFX and code with 0801Nmyself and Melee, then we'll happily do that for you (so long as you ain't 0801Nusing us) but we must ask for a stampted adressed return jiffy/envelope to 0801Ndeal with your queary. 0801N 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C5NREMEMBER: 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C6NIt's YOUR magazine, so support it! *!EOF best 0801Nchance of success. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y04C2NN.B. Many of the major broadcasters' shows are produced by independent 0801Nproduction companies, e.g. "Smith and Jones" at Talkback. In these cases you 0801Nshould write direct to the production company, not via the BBC or ITV. 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1NGood luck! *!EOF Y ]C English.ZOOt 0 sharp 14 0 1 0 578 0 23 sharp 8 0 1 0 578 0 45 roman 16 0 3 0 578 1 *!EOM 50 1420Y00F06avantg14Y00J1NREVIEWS OF MY GCSE ENGLISH TEACHERS 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C5NFishBoy/Panda 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00J0N 0811Y00C4Y02C1N1: Mrs Phillimore - English -4th year: Had exactly 20 official complaints 0801Nfiled against her, one of sexual harrasment. Intrestingly enougth loved to 0801Nembarrasse pupils by forcing them to the front of the class and making them 0801Nread out what they had written in each others books or on notes to each 0801Nother. This Backfired when I was forced to reveal the theory put forward by 0801Nme and John Toon that she was really a man (we had shitloads of evidence as 0801Nwell including the fact that whenever she talked about her childhood she 0801Nsaid: "When I was a lad...") 0801N 0801NEverybody in my English class had to retake English Language because of her. 0801NThen, in a fit of sheer stupidity she was made special needs teacher where 0801Nshe recieved a further 24 complaints from the four pupils she was put in 0801Ncharge off. 0801N 0801N 0811Y00C4Y02C1N2: Mr Aspey - English -5th year: Had to leave the room every ten minutes to 0801Nlight up. If for some reason he was delayed and had to stay in the room, E.g. 0801Nschool inspection, marking English orals, he started to shake uncontrollably 0801Nand sweat like a pig. Also ammusing was the fact that his ankles could not 0801Nhave been more then 1 inch thick. 0801N 0801NMr Aspey constantly fed us stories of the horror faced in the second world 0801Nwar and injustices bestowed on troops in the trenches. He did however get 0801Nslightly confused and was prone to overexagerating, hence: 0801N 0811Y00C5Y23C1NFIRST YEAR SCHOOL BOY: Grandad? Did they really force you to eat your own 0801N shit in the war. 0811Y14C6Y23C1N GRANDAD: Did they fuck. 0801N 0801NMr Aspey inadvertently gave one of the greatest comedy preformances of all 0801Ntime when he was trying to explain to us that there was no such thing as a 0801Nnew idea: "Hip Hop and Rap music", he said, "Oh great we all think. A new 0801Ntype of music. WRONG! What about the speaking poets of 5th century Syria?". 0801N 0801NIntrestingly enougth English lessons were all in the East block. Over the 0801Nyears the east block sign, which read "East Block" was modified with marker. 0801NThis was always scrubbed off over the summer holidays and replaced by, I 0801Nasume, the same person. Over the five years I spent at the "Cathedral Of 0801NPain" the East block sign read: 0801N 1624Y00F05roman16Y00J1Y00C3N"Yeast block", 1601N"Feast block", 1601N"Least block", 1601Nand, my favourite: "Beast block", 1601N 0824Y00F05sharp08Y00J0Y00C1NWhich is, in my mind, proof that the English lessons were having some effect. *!EOF BlowinInTheWind.ZOO. C Format.ZOO 0 bookman 24 0 1 0 834 0 22 topaz 8 0 1 0 834 0 *!EOM 43 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00J1Y00C3NDAED YLLATOT SI AGIMA EHT 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C4NFishBoy of panda 0814Y00F05topaz08N 0811Y00J0Y00C1NThe Amiga Format staff are still on large quantities of drugs. Lots of them. 0801NBig heaps of illegal substances. A quick trawl throught the pages of some 0801Nrecent Amiga Formats reveals these wonderful Amiga related comments: 0801N 0806Y00C5N"Tomb Raider was a hit at the ECS but we want to know why there is no Amiga 0806Y08C1Nversion". No Nick "I shit when I sneeze" Veitch (or whatever you're called), 0801Nyou CANNOT have lost touch with reality to such a degree. It cannot be 0801Npossible. 0801N 0806Y00C5N"The Atari ST was a primitive machine made by Atari and built from a bunch of 0806Y12C1Nspare parts". Yeah, whatever. In an age of 64bit consoles Amiga Format are 0801Nstill having a go at the ST while the five remaining ST owners in the UK are 0801Nsat pissing themselves because they've just seen Octamed Soundstudio. Also: 0801NThe average Amiga contains parts from 2000 different countries, each Amiga 0801Nhas trouble being compatible with itself let alone any others. This is 0801Nbecause the average Amiga is made from cardboard and spare parts from a box 0801Nof lego, has an internal layout designed by a stoned hippy having a "Guru 0801NMeditation" with a fucking Etch-A-Sketch and has a keyboard made from sugar 0801Ncubes with the letters painstakingly added using a biro. 0801N 0806Y00C5N"Alien Breed 3D II proves that the Amiga can handle fast action, graphically 0806Y26C1Nsuperb 3D games like Doom", No it doesn't. Alien Breed 3D II proves that the 0801NAmiga can adequately run very low resolution slideshows of very badly drawn 0801Nmonsters. It does in no way prove anything involving "Fast Action" or 0801N"Graphically Superb 3D". Also: Doom is about 4 years old now and has been 0801Nsuperceeded in terms of playability and graphical splendor by classic games 0801Nlike Quake, DukeNukem 3D and Namco Museum Volume 1. 0801N 0811Y00C5Y71C1N"A games console will never have versions of Sound Studio or Lightwave", And 0801Na microwave will never allow you to travel back in time but in your drugged 0801Nup state you probably belive it could. 0801N 0801NWhat the Amiga DOES have is a decent PD scene. PD accounts for about 80% of 0801Nall software being released for the Amiga and how many pages does this scene 0801Ntake up in your magazine. About 3 or 4. At maximum about 3% of the magazine 0801Nper month. Still, never mind, in a few months that will be about 60% of the 0801Nmagazine. 0801N 2427Y00F08ganymede24Y00J1Y00C3NAu reviour wankers... *!EOF , my favourite: "Beast block", 1601N 0824Y00F05sharp08Y00J0Y00C1NWhich is, in my mind, proof that the English lessons were having some effect. *!EOF BlowinInTheWind.ZOO"OC Frighten.ZOO 0 taurus 24 0 1 0 53 0 21 microknight 8 0 4 23213608 1 83 1 *!EOM 37 2425Y00F06taurus24Y00C3Y00J1NTHINGS THAT FRIGHTEN 1822Y00F08franklin18Y00C6Nwritten by FishBoy - an official member of pANDa 0814Y00F05sharp08N 0811Y00C1Y00J0NI orderd a sampler (er.. The ones you see in Amiga Format, not a real one) 0801Nrecently from First Computer Centre, when the sampler came three weeks later 0801N(which was a nice surprise because I only paid for 2-4 week days delivery and 0801Nthey gave me a whole 15) it had a catalogue with it. 0801N 0806Y60C7NUpon leafing through I noticed a couple of the titles were, "A bit 0806Y08C1Ndubious"... 0801N 0801NI know that sometimes typing errors or something can cause confusion in 0801Ncatalogues, but this is taking the piss. I have no idea if the following PC 0801NCdroms are just typing errors, bizarre fantasy on the part of the typist, 0801Ngenuine, or just the typist getting bored: 0801N 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00C4Y00J1NAre You Ready And Alert? (13.99) 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00J0Y35C1NBegginers Guide Ass. Pro (9.99) - (I guess this is abbreviated but I'm not 0801N sure) 0811Y00C4Y00J1NBible Power (18.99) 0801NCharlton Heston Bible (27.99) 0801NComplete guide to Symptoms (18.99) 0801NDare, Bluff or Die (22.99) 0801NDigital Gourmet (10.99) 0801NFreakin Funky Fuzzballs (7.99) 0801NGet In A Fight (27.99) 0801NHow Animals Move (33.99) 0801NTalk Now Learn American (19.99) 0820Y00F11microknight08NLose Weight The French Way (20.99) 0801NMagic Chef (12.99) 0801NMr Potatoe Head Saves V. (17.99) 0801NPocket and Tails Explorin. (15.99) 0806Y00C5NReligions of the worlds (32.99) 0806Y00C4NStone of Wakan (20.99) 0801NThe art of coarse fish (23.99) 0801NWhat is a belly button? (18.99) *!EOF ving some effect. *!EOF BlowinInTheWind.ZOOc爾\C % Hamburg.ZOO 0 avantg 14 0 1 0 16 0 22 pearl 8 0 1 0 16 0 47 pearl 8 0 1 24610301 1 16 0 *!EOM 60 1425Y00F06avantg14Y00C3Y00J1NTHE ETERNAL PAIN OF RONALD MCDONALDS GREATEST ENEMY 2422Y00F08ganymede24Y00C4NFishBoy/Panda 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0806Y00C1NThere is a lad at my college who from now on will be known as Hamburgler. 0801NThis is because he is always misreable. The theory behind this is that: 0801N 0811Y00C5Y02C1N1) Christ has an anti-christ, 0811Y00C5Y02C1N2) Godzilla has an evil metallic counterpart MechaGodzilla, 0811Y00C5Y03C1N3) Ronald Mc Donald is ALWAYS happy, 0811Y00C5Y02C1N4) The lad at my college is NEVER happy, 0811Y00C5Y03C1N5) Therefore he is the anti Ronald Mc Donald, 0811Y00C5Y02C1N6) Ronald Mc Donald's biggest enemy is Hamburgler, 0826Y00C5Y03C1Y03S4Y18C4Y29C1N7) Therefore he IS HAMBURGLER, 0806Y00S0N 0806Y73C5NHe is also the high king of all things twat as the following extract from AN 0806Y14C1NENTIRELY REAL conversation with him will prove: 0801N 0811Y00C5Y05C1NDAVE: Have you taken your christmas decorations down yet? 0811Y00C3Y03C1NME: Not yet, 0811Y00C5Y05C1NDAVE: You're supposed to get bad luck if you don't take them down 12 days 0801N after christmas. 0811Y00C4Y11C1NHAMBURGLER: You get bad luck anyway... 0801N 0801NBut there is one thing left, one thing about him that really pisses me off. 0811Y02C6Y11C1NHe INSISTS that he is the only sane person, the world is a pile of shit, 0811Y00C5Y09C1NEVERYBODY happy must be living in a dream world and only he can see the stark 0801Nhorror behind it all. I tried to cheer him up, first by calling him a twat at 0806Y72S4Nleast fifteen times a minute. This didn't work. Then I tried to use the "Half 0806Y28S0Nempty beer glass philosophy" on him: 0801N 0811Y00C6Y35C1N"Half empty beer glass philosophy" whilst in college refectory: 0801N 0811Y00C3Y03C1NME: Look at this beer glass right... 0811Y00C4Y11C1NHAMBURGLER: Its a coffee cup. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NME: Yes I KNOW its a coffee cup but pretend its a beer glass. 0811Y00C4Y11C1NHAMBURGLER: Why? 0811Y00C3Y03C1NME: Just do it fuck face. What can you tell me about it? 0811Y00C4Y12C1NHAMBURGLER: It contains at least fifteen thousand types of toxic 0801N micro-bacteria. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NME: No... 0811Y00C4Y12C1NHAMBURGLER: Erm...? Beer-glass you say? 0811Y00C3Y04C1NME: Yes. 0811Y00C4Y12C1NHAMBURGLER: Er... Oh yeah, Its half empty. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NME: See, thats a pessemistic view, not a realistic one. 0811Y00C4Y11C1NHAMBURGLER: They are the same thing, only I can see the horror behind modern 0801N society, everybody is an extension of one meaningless personality 0801N and they are like tiny pinpricks of light in the vast darkness of 0811Y27C2Y64C1N the human soul. KILL YOURSELF, YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NME: Er... And the optomist says: "Its half full", 0806Y00C4NHAMBURGLER: He is wrong. 0811Y00C3Y03C1NME: It doesn't matter, 0821Y00C4Y11C1Y44S2Y66S0NHAMBURGLER: Nothing matters, its all a lie. Santa Claus did exist. But he got 0801N stuck in my chimney when I was four and then died. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NME: Shut up. And the realist says: "It is irrelevant whether the glass is 0801N half full or half empty, because it is somebody elses round next", 0811Y00C4Y12C1NHAMBURGLER: But what if the pub is hit by a freak meteor shower and he is 0801N infected with an alien disease that was dormant inside the moon 0801N rock which incidently isn't moon rock but frozen shit ejected 0801N from an interplanetry cruiser? *!EOF oe Head Saves V. (17.99) 0801NPocket and Tails Explorin. (15.99) 0806Y00C5NReligions of the worlds (32.99) 0806Y00C4NStone of Wakan (20.99) 0801NThe art of coarse fish (23.99) 0801NWhat is a belly button? (18.99) *!EOF ving some effect. *!EOF BlowinInTheWind.ZOO(C? Horror.ZOO 0 bookman 24 0 1 0 529 0 22 xfont 8 0 1 0 289 0 *!EOM 32 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C4NTHE HORROR AT OAKSHAW FARM 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NFishBoy/Panda 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0806Y00C1NThe following is a section of a script that I sent to the BBC and they 0801Nrejected. They call it quality control, I call it censorship: 0801N 0811Y00C5Y11C1NThe scene: A farmers field. A farmer is talking to a paranormal investigator. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y15C1NFARMER PEEBLES: Aye sir, plain as mud it is, The cloven hoof print of Satan. 0801NThe devil himself walks abroad at Oakshaw Farm. 0811Y00C4Y14C1NMR BRADFORTH: I must get a plaster cast of this. I suggest you move out of 0801Nthe farm for the mean time, I don't think its safe here. Have there been any 0801Nunusual happenings around here? 0811Y00C2Y15C1NFARMER PEEBLES: Aye sir, come to think of it their was a wierd noise last 0801Nnight and when I came to check the fields in the morning the fence to one of 0801Nthem was down and some of the animals had vanished. 0811Y00C4Y14C1NMR BRADFORTH: What animals? 0811Y00C2Y15C1NFARMER PEEBLES: Some goats sir. 0801N 0801NLong agnoized pause... 0801N 0811Y00C4Y14C1NMR BRADFORTH: You don't think... 0811Y00C2Y15C1NFARMER PEEBLES: What sir? 0811Y00C4Y14C1NMR BRADFORTH: That this is just a goat footprint. 0811Y00C2Y16C1NFARMER PEEBLES: Goore Blimey sir, I didn't think of that! Right you are, ha 0801Nha ha, It all makes sense now! 0811Y00C4Y14C1NMR BRADFORTH: I guess I'll have to keep on looking. 0801N 0801NHe turns and walks off while the words "The Voda Phone digital Network" 0801Nappear in the sky in 200ft flaming letters with an inverted cross for a full 0801Nstop. *!EOF ds (32.99) 0806Y00C4NStone of Wakan (20.99) 0801NThe art of coarse fish (23.99) 0801NWhat is a belly button? (18.99) *!EOF ving some effect. *!EOF BlowinInTheWind.ZOOp#> HowToBigamist.ZOO 0 franklin 18 0 1 0 515 0 20 topaz 8 0 5 0 515 0 45 topaz 8 0 5 3960851001407505 2 515 0 *!EOM 53 1827Y00F08franklin18Y00C2Y00J1NHow To Be A - Bigamist 3219Y00F05basic32Y00C6NMoonDog 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00J0N 0806Y00C5NKeeping one woman is hard enough going. For most people this would be 0801Nenough, but not for all. Let me tell you how a friend of mine `Clive Turner` 0801Ndid it with ease, until he was caught. I have obviously changed the names, 0801Nbut locations such as `Milton Keynes` and features such as `flaxen` remain 0801Ntrue to the original intentions of the unfolding events. 0801N 0801NClive Turner is a man of means. He drives a car, smokes a pipe and isn't 0806Y49C2Nsnap-happy with his early bonds. He has 4 kids (Matthew, Trevor, Elizabeth 0806Y54C5Nand the youngest Millie, who is only five years in age) a small Whippet 0811Y01C2Y06C5N(Daisy) and an alotment which it is in his intrests to maintain. Aside from 0801Nall these beautiful things that makes his life worthwhile Clive is also 0831Y14C2Y17C5Y40C2Y42C5Y62C2Y64C5Nmarried to 2 (two) women, Alice Turner (35) and Beth Turner. (27) 0801N 0801NAlice is Clive's first wife and it is with her that he has had his children. 0801NThe three oldest attended boarding schools and the youngest is attended to by 0801Na nanny. Despite the circumstances of their father's bigamous family all the 0801Nchildren appear to be developing along normal lines, although Trevor doesn't 0801Nseem to be very interested in girls and now locks himself in his room with 0811Y04C1Y20C5Nhis Pentium computer. 0801N 0801NBeth Turner met Clive while he was on a business meeting in Milton Keynes. 0801NBeth has flaxen hair and is slim in build. She became instantly infactuated 0801Nwith Clive, a more senior employee in the firm and they married recently. 0801NBeth is comparitively happy in her marraige to Clive although she wishes he 0801Ndidn't have to work so many nights at such unsociable hours. 0801N 0806Y00S1NNeither Beth nor Alice knew of the other until Clive's bigamy became public. 0801N 0806Y00S0NWhile Clive commited his bigamy he would travel the 8 short miles from one 0801Nwife to the other, spending the day at work in personnal services and weekday 0801Nevenings, barr Tuesday with Alice and young Millie. Although he spent most 0801Nweekday nights with Alice it became common practise for him to rise early at 0801N6:00am, claiming he had to get into the office, whilst secretly visiting 0801NBeth until 11:00am when he would start work proper. By supplementing his 0801Nincome with wise financial investments, Clive was able to keep both wives in 0801Ncomparative luxury. Weekends were spent with Beth, mainly in participation 0801Nin intense sexual intercourse with his younger spouse in order that they 0801Nmight one day create a baby, against all the odds of Beth's problems in that 0801Ndepartment. When Clive returned to Alice on Sunday evenings, supposidly back 0801Nfrom work he would often be quite literally `shagged out.` His wives 0801Nattributed this exhaustion to the image he presented as being a workaholic. 0801N 0801NClive is now awaiting a court hearing over his bigamy after one of his 0801Nfriends (myself) pubicly exposed his activities as an April Fool prank that 0801Ndidn't quite go as I planned. Apart from this little hiccoup Clive was 0801Nrather good at keeping two wives without anybody, excepting myself knowing. 0801NIf you want to commit bigamy, or indeed adultery then Clive Turner is a 0801Nperfect exmple of how to do it. My only advice to you is do not tell a 0801Nso-called friend, like myself or it could all turn pear-shaped, so to speak. *!EOF [ZYXWVUT8C Beatsuck.ZOO"2C InPale1+2.ZOO 0 titania 24 0 1 0 561 0 16 pearl 8 0 1 0 561 0 41 pearl 8 0 5 0 561 1 66 pearl 8 0 1 0 561 0 91 pearl 8 0 1 0 561 0 115 pearl 8 0 1 0 561 0 140 pearl 8 0 1 0 561 0 165 pearl 8 0 1 0 561 0 190 pearl 8 0 1 0 561 0 *!EOM 205 2426Y00F07titania24Y00J1Y00C1N`In Pale' 2417Y00F08ganymede24N 2406Y00C5NA Gothic Hyperphysco 1513Y00F04ruby15N 1506Y00C3Nby Jude/Panda 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1206Y00C1NPart One 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C5NABit Of A Spat 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NColin David Cockney, Grand High Wizard of the church was no ordinary feller. 0801NHis lopsided smile gave no hint of his true nature of business. His 0801Noversized palms were just a little to conviniant. His bust unnaturaly 0801Nwholesome and packed with readily goodness for a man of stature. And then 0801Nthe limp, who could forget his limp he had in his gay left wrist. This was 0801Nwithout no undoubtably a man of cloth. In front of Colin, Vicar Colin, 0801NColin a Vicar - The Vicar NOLESS - lay a brown enveloped which was slowly 0801Ngoing brown in the sunlight. Inside the eloped lied lots of monkey. The 0801Npeople of the parish had been generous with their monkees in this mornings 0801Ncollection. Perhaps today would be the day that Col could rush out and buy 0801Nhimself a fresh new roof, with fascinating vinyl supporting struts and lots 0801Nof embeleshed bosses, embeleshed with religously painted religious images of 0801Nthe limp well-hung, naked body of Christ, trussed up on his crucifixed. A 0801Nnew roof would be great. Just what the old chapel needed. Perhaps he pop 0801Nout of his trousers at lunchtime and partake in a new one from the shops. If 0801N he fancied a bit. 0801N 0801NHere's my old friend Peters Said on the step, thought Colin to himself whilst 0801Nhe observed Peters Said on the step. Peters did not repliey to the thoughts 0801Nof his trusted a-quaint-ponce but instead licked his lips envitingly at the 0801Nthought: 0801N `Afresh Roasted Jointed for Vinnear with parsley and sage and colinder and 0801Nmint and Basil' [his life-in-lover] 0801N 0801NYou see Peters taught a whole school the engish. Peters could taught and 0801Ntaught until he would have become blue in the feacies. Today was the ep's 0801Nsection as it would be Colin whom would be the teaching doing. But first 0801Nthings before first things, first; the collection money needed ataining too. 0801NThe priest preeceded to process the proceeds before proceeding to teach the 0801Nteacher to preach like a preacher. Very good. Nice trial, but not good 0801Nenough. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NLliyndes Lee-Hall was an abjective girl in her belate teens with whom it is 0801Ndifficult to ascribe too. Her function in life was necessary, but not 0801Nneeded. Her face was like a well-lathered Turk in one of the cities many 0801Nbathing houses: scrubbed, refreashered and not insubstantial. She had the 0801Nkinda lips you just wanted to buckle up like a tasseled pair of easy shoes. 0801NThe little lady knew the score and perhaps today would be the day she would, 0801Nif Mr(s) Right came. When Mr Right did come she was sure she be the second 0801Nto realize. Her head was in a dale her mind all screwed-up and she wanted to 0801Nunwind herself. Damn it. She'd met many a sailorboy in her badly travelled 0801Nshoes. Perhaps the dry-cleaners could get the travelling out of them. It 0801Nwas at times like these she'd think of her brother and his fresh breath on 0801Nher slimey stomach. I wonder what he'd be up to now. Who he'd be up to 0801Nwith. Why he was up there at all. She remember those words her brother had 0801Nspoken she had said 0801N"OW! Yes, YES!, just th-e-e-e-eere honey" she said, said Lliyndes Lee-Hall 0801Nand her brother, Peters Said said 0801N"What just hereeee... oh yeah I getcha sister!" he replied until he was over 0801Nexcited. She wished he wouldn't go call-inner 'sister' it was oh so 0801Ncolloqueal. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NLeesa Smiff loved her boyfriend's dear. She liked to pet the boy and play 0801Nwith his ankles until he screamed for mercy and then it was his turn to be 0801Nit. He always cheated with his `One, Twos and three's all in', but Leesa 0801Ndidn't mind provided she was up the ladder, rather than going down on the big 0801Nred snake right to the bottom. She enjoyed it and Drew Hardgreevsie, her 0801Nboyfriend would laugh. 0801N 0801NDrew thought he'd gone and got a blender of a goal with this prize filett. 0801NLeesa was a charming mare and he loved to coil her tasseled mains supply of 0801Nsyrupy heard around his double-joinered fingered whilst whispering up 0801Nnothings sweet in her ear-ole. They would stare passivenately inside the 0801Neyeballs of the other one of them and watch the world revolving, reflectinged 0801Nin the white, veiny area of their I Q balls. Drew's eyes were, thought 0801NLeesa, like fresh Mini Bobells with astigmatism if you squinted at an angle. 0801NOh she did love his body; his smooth triceps and biceps and forceps and 0801Nforeshortening. His fluids, as thick and tasty in a sandwich scenario, as 0801NDaireylee. His buttocks, far nicer than just any old corpse. Sure he'd had 0801Nthat Elephantitas thing with his feet, but they'd been succesfully amputated 0801Nalong with the rest of his arms and legs and apart from a few scars you'd 0801Nnever have noticed he was a spazo. I'm just the luckiest girl alive she 0801Nthought. Drew held her tights, between his neck and chin and not his 0801Ndeformed stumpy things - obviously. One day Drew would clap again. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NPeters Said was on his own apart from the class he was busy teaching. But 0801Nmeterlogicaly he was very alone like a HeeBeeGee without his castrated 0801Nbrothers a-sexual company. He looked up and down the isles and then decided 0801Nhe had enough of the Channel islands so instead he turned his intentions back 0801Ntowards class six. Class six always made him think of the words his dear 0801Nlost dadda had spoken forth on the eaves of little Peters's sixth birthday: 0801N"Sex at Six, Petey. Sex at Six... get that into your mind. It even looks 0801Nlike Six, doesn't it SEX. Get used to the idea because I'm a coming near you 0801Ntommorow." 0801N 0801NWhy couldn't he have had a normal child's hood like any other little pecker 0801Nin this class. A normal healthy youth like, say Shauned Alwite? or Krass 0801NWallnut or Drew HardGreevsie... well perhaps not Drew `human stick' 0801NHardgreaves, school sicko-freakoid pussbugerered, nannowanced toshedheaded 0801Npurpledingdonger slapped-lips pulse. 0801N 0801N 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C1NPart Two 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C5NThe Eye 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0806Y00C1NMs Zola Astray's son was a handful and her husband a good two handfuls. 0801NZola, herself was not yer average stay at home, wipe the baby, facilitate the 0801Ncat, mow the 3 bedroom semi sorta chump. Zola licked a bit of excitement, 0801Nshe lived life on a constant high level, where just the move of her little 0801Nfore-finger might mean her certain downfall to obscurity. She watched that 0801Nlittle finger like a hawk, with her beady little eyes rotating 360 degrees in 0801Neither angle as if to sum up what she was against in terms of pray. She'd 0801Nstarted as just a little fishy in the big blew seaman, but now she'd become 0801Nquite a catch for the big boys who ran this world of ours in which we alas 0801Ndoth live. It wasn't easy being a private eye in this day and age. Things 0801Nwere just so much simplerer when she was a civil servant in the DEPT. She 0801Nwould file merrily all day long and countersign. How she laughed back on it 0801Nnow she was capable of being able to laugh. Sometimes the scars still showed 0801Naround her mouth - it had been a trickery operation of a bugger, getting that 0801Nrebuild done on her skins. Well now she could laugh. Well now she could 0801Nattempt to laugh. Well now. Ha, ha, ha, she thought to herself outload of 0801Nthe ha-ha's-ha. She thought of that time she had to fetch the Single 0801NRegeneration Budget portfolio for the Chair of the Housing Select Committe, 0801Nfacilitating her to bypass the usual channels by delaying current negotiating 0801Nover the more pressing City Challenge documents issue currently in chamber 0801Nand thereby holding that business over the ring fencing of areas of council 0801Nbudget relating to the re-activation of council house provision no longer 0801Npossible due to this and additional capping of budget, signifying the need to 0801Nre-direct fees and charges collection usage from the local amenities into the 0801NCouncil Tax subsiduary, thus diverting possible outrage over the inevitable 0801Nyear on year increase, particualy affecting those families in group A 0801Naccomadation, who already faced some of the toughest financial penalisation 0801Nin the country thanks to Whitehall dictum, the manipulation and 0801Nbastardisation of the civil service and the growing reliance on right wing 0801Npressure groups who were signalling the end as we know it of the role of 0801Ncouncil and indeed Officers like herself, who would surley soon find 0801Nthemselves contracted out like blue chip labour despite their white 0801Ncollar/managerial status, which whilst an inevitability was a blow to the 0801Njob ... of oral sex. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0806Y00J0N 0806Y00C1NLliyndes Lee-Hall had come to the clinic because something just didn't seem 0801Nto feel right. She smiled at the receptionist gracekelly and the 0801Nreceptionist in turn told her to take a seat and wait. Lliyndes took the 0801Nseat but she didn't feel she could get away with squeezing the wait in her 0801Nlittle black handtowel.As Lliyndes sat in the white walled waiting womb she 0801Nfelt all eyes were on her - get 'em off me! Lliyndes felt gradualy and 0801Ngradualyier less comfortable and a hollow feeling crept up inside her 0801Nentrails. Her innards felt like uneven, spasmodic even, inhabitants of a 0801Ndevilled whole. Perhaps reading Hello Magzine might withstrain her. ITDID 0801NNOSUCHTHING. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801N`Quaint Danny, Single 34' was the message he chose to put in the paper. 0801NPerhaps finaly he'd be on the pullman tonight-tonite the time is right. They 0801Nwouldn't call him poor ol quaint Danny no more, no sir-ee he'd be Flash Danny 0801Nthe flash giza. This just had to work surely. He'd read the other lonely 0801Nhearts and new the routine. These guys didn't stand a chance against `Quaint 0801NDanny avalible for all you ladies out there. I'm a ladies man. Oh yeh Yeh 0801NYeh!' Pah! he thought scanning the raper for the other ads. He read a few 0801Nout to amuse himself: 0801N 0801NGay guy seekith similar gay guyz out there for good gay fun. Call Needle 0806Y37C3NAspestossed for a gay old ribtickle. Box 12 0801N 0806Y00C1NOff-beat 29 impulsive professional (m) solicits female for pleasure. Lennox. 0806Y00C3NBox 13 0806Y00C1N 0801NTodays your lucky day me dears. It won't be nippy no longer now I'm's here, 0811Y63C3Y72C1Nme old cock spaniel. The names Hulian Herlees - get your cot. Box 14 0801N 0806Y37C3NI love millet - love me. Luv Cafe. Box 15 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0806Y00J0N 0806Y00C1NGently Allen Key, her Doctor lent forward in his chair. 0801N"Miss Lee-Hall I'm sorry to tell you", began the doctor before Llliynds 0801Njumped in (ta-da!) to correct him 0801N"Mrs Lee-Hall, doctor, Mrs" 0801N"Well In that case, Mrs Lee-Hall, I'm happy to tell you, you are impregnanted 0801Nwith child within your belly button." 0801N 0801NLliynds had always wanted a baby before, but not now. Why did it have to 0801Ncome now. She looked down into her own lap and she felt a tear begin to form 0801Nin the corner of her eye-level grill. She began to sob. 0801N"Whatevers wrong Mrs Lee-Hall... er Lliynds", asked the doctor who was rather 0801Ndisturbed by Lliynds innane mutterings and wet eye problem. 0801N"Doctor.. you don't understand... but then... how could you understand. It's 0801Nall a mess... a horrible.. horrible mess." Lliyndes quickly picked herself 0801Nup and ran out of the door. She found herself in the broomcups-board and 0801Nquickly ran out of the correct exit, anxious to get away from the reality of 0801Nwhat was happening to her. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0806Y00C4N 0820Y00F11microknight08NRead more of this novelia-cum-all over the place in part three.... 0801NIt's just a load away! *!EOF ak. *!EOF [ZYXWVUT8C Beatsuck.ZOOd*C 5 InPale3.ZOO 0 titania 24 0 1 0 786 0 13 ruby 12 0 1 0 786 1 35 pearl 8 0 1 0 786 0 60 pearl 8 0 1 0 786 0 85 pearl 8 0 1 0 786 0 110 pearl 8 0 1 0 786 0 135 pearl 8 0 1 0 786 0 160 pearl 8 0 1 0 786 0 *!EOM 180 2426Y00F07titania24Y00J1Y00C1N`In Pale' 2417Y00F08ganymede24N 2406Y00C5NA Gothic Hyperphysco 1513Y00F04ruby15N 1506Y00C3Nby Jude/Panda 1506Y00J0N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C4N 0801N[If you have entered this article part way through you have fucked up the 0801Nwhole process of cunning layout that I have devised. Asshole. You should 0801Nread the first two parts - contained in a seperate article - first. If you 0801Nhave already read the first two parts and are being sensible about this whole 0801Nthing then I formaly apologise. I am sorry. I won't do it again. Slap, 0801Nslap, slap, you bad, bad boy.] 2439Y00F08ganymede24Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C1N 2401NPart Three 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C5NDeath At 20,000 Degrees Centilitre 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NQuaint Danny stirred his bed - he was sure he had hurded a clackety-clackle 0801Nof pots in the kitchen down-de-stares. `Clackety-clackle`, there it twas 0801Nagain for another time. And with that another `Clackety-clackle`. Danny 0801Nquickly got out of sleep and slipped into his slippers. He poked his arms 0801Nout of the top of the easy slippers, quiet-like so as not to disturb the 0801Nintruder, cause he didn't want to wake him. Danny reached down for his 6 0801Nfoot Samarai Saw and screamed himself silly, outloud, when he picked it up by 0801Nthe wrong lens, but it was okay cause he kept the screams in. 0801N 0801NAs he trundled down the star case in his wee willy winky he noticed a 0801Nmenacing shadow draw up in the door way to the kitchen. Danny was prepaired 0801Nand he lept out of his slippers and onto the figureine standing younder. 0801NDanny gave him an upper cut, a lower cut, a swipe, a scratch and a nip, but 0801Nstill the mysterious figure would not fall and so he swiped at it. The 0801Nfigure had still not had enough so Danny gave him 3 blows to the groin, which 0801Nhe later regreted due to the aftertaste. It was only when the figure wacked 0801NDanny round his stayed-ankles that did Danny come to realise that it was his 0801Nown shadowed figure he had been in unarmared-wombat with. As a Danny 0801Ncollapsed into a tarous on the floor it was only then in which he saw the 0801Nfrightened young girl cowerding in his porsche. He opened the porch door and 0801Nshe fell into his arms and Danny's arms gave way and she fell into his knees 0801Nand these parted and she fell onto his skirtinged board and the board was 0801Nweak and she crumbeled onto the floor, but the floor was strong and study and 0801Nshe fell into the seller. At first Danny could not i-dentalfile this 0801Nuncontious girl, but as soon as he started placing kumquats and ruffage foods 0801Nabout her bodies it dawned on him that this girl was the spit of his 0801Nex-girlfriend - hell, better than spit SHEWAS his ex, which is surely worthy 0801Nof a greater bodily recharge. Propaline Fallick, my god, there was a girl 0801Nwho brought back some mammeries. 0806Y00C5N 0806Y00J1N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NA cockney vicar is like a brummie vicar but not as good as. Colin was 0801Nspeaking from his parapit. Painful. 0806Y00C5N 0806Y00J1N*** 0806Y00C6N 0806Y00J0NIt is 2 weeks later you see... I'll just get me glasses and we'll (that is 0801NTHEroyal wee) be continued in plesently. Heee. Hee. H. 0801N 0806Y00C1NNow the scene is within the walled of ze little hospital and here we can see 0801NLlynds Lee-Hall. What is she doing?My god, she'll surely choke if it comes 0801Nout that end.... Ahh, I see it is coming without the other end of her. My, 0801Nmy well I never thought I'd see that sort of thingmy happening in my life. 0801NIt's a baby! Look mother, look a baby! 0801N"What kind of baby is it Llynds? Is it a pink one or a blue one." What does 0801Nshe mean she isn't telling. Are you keeping mum, or perhaps it's dad's job 0801Nto look after mummy. 0801N"NO!No -- don't bite the head off the babies little full-body. It'll leaf 0801Na nasty afterbirth in the roofs of you mouse." Good girls don't eat baby's 0801Nheads up. 0801N"What do you means by that sought of thing Miss Hall?Anyway, that sort of 0801Ndigestion is physical imposticle... you couldn't fit it up there it wouldn't 0801Nfit. It isn't a dummy you know... yes I know there are teeth marks... how 0801Ndid they get there! I think I've just been vile-sectisides me! 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NCowsh1t Allover and Redbutt Saddleons were just both of the 3 wise men. They 0801Nbore gifts from Orient and Tarr where the gifts they now bore had been 0801Nconsumated in a night of wild pashion - I've never seen any one pashing like 0801Nthat for so long and so hard. Redbutt nocked on the bell-bottom of the 0801Npassage and she entered the door. Llynds was uncontchientious on the bed, 0801Nbut they quickly slapped her about her freshly flossed finger nails and she 0801Nwhipped up into a good thing or two. 0801NCowsh1t says:"You can take your bloody little gifts and piss off out of 0801Nhere", but Redbutt corrects her friend and they pass the gifts, as if water, 0801Nto Llynds for hurd baby. It's a baby! 0801N"Why have you brought these gifts fourth forward my baby?", Llynds cried her 0801Nhair. 0801N"Miss Christ your child is the son of god", is what Redbutt is saying. 0801N"The son of god, but how can this be?" 0801N"Well you've slept around a bit you know, and if you won't take the 0801Nre-exquisite preconditons,... well it'll all turn pear shaped, you know." 0801NCowsh1t gives her gift to the child. Opair of scissors, well frankly I'm 0801Ncharmed. Oh you is too kind, to me, you really are. First the bojangles, 0801Nwell I didn't like to say know, but oh they are precious, pork chop.... but 0801Nnow this, hmm. What has Redbutt bought. It's an operating slab for the 0801Nbaby. It's a baby! 0801N"Why have you brought my baby a slap of operations, Miss Saddleons said Miss 0801NLee-Hall breaking free of all grammatical law. 0801N"Miss Lee-Hall, your child is the son of god and king of all the atteuws so 0801Ntherefore we must... CIRCUMSCRIBETHECHILDNOWBECAUSEHEISADUE" 0801N"He's not adue, he's not he's not" 0801N"He is adue and all dues to him, but all dues must be snippeted at their 0801Nforetitutes. Ha Ha Ha" 0801N 0801NBoo. Hiss. 0801N 0801N"My son is not adue" 0801N"He is, he is, he is" 0801N"He is not. Not. It is not true. It isn't and I deniey it he isn't, isn't. 0801NNo No. No." 0801N"He is aduecause I say he is" 0801N"You and whoose armoury?" 0801N"Look he just is adue all right?" 0801N"Begging your pardons [that's quite alright, they shouldn't have been there 0801Nin the first place] but he is not adue... HE is a [deep breast] SHE." - 0801NLlynds child is revealed as a heretic, worse ... A, a... a WOMAN, she must be 0801Nburned. But it's a baby! No it still must be melted down wind and sold for 0801Nscraps. Ha - ha. You don't melt the daugther of god, you crucify them when 0801Ntheir cross. Redbutt has different ideas as she calls over to Catsh1t: 0801N"Bring me the testossers own pills..." 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NSome whiles later Alan Key comes in for a cheap joke. Key inspects Llynds 0801Nbaby and being of a medicated dispositioned he pays particular attention to 0801Nthe babies development. 0801N"Miss Hall he has a remarkablely large YOUKNOW you must be proud", says Key 0801N"Yes it is a fine umbillycoiledchords Ibelieve I had one just like it 0801Nonce... in fact that may be it", say Llynds 0801N"No, Miss Hall, what I mean is that I see your baby is remarkably well hung", 0801Nhe says. 0801N"Yes she...er I mean he, certainly has been to get it that long." replies 0801NLlynds whilst glaring at Reddbutt. 0801N"He certainly won't have any problems in the showers. Ho-ho", laughs the 0801Ndoc in a frankly warned out old punt. 0801N"It's okay doc we have our soap on a rope after my brother had that 0801N`accident` after P.E. in the changing room." Peters Said had been truely 0801Nlucky that day, but he had since regained the ability to walk, with only 0801Namiga grimace. 0811Y00J1Y00C5N 0801N*** 0811Y00J0Y00C1N 0801N"Peters Said is dead", she said.... "Peters Said is dead!", tied up in sticky 0801Ntape a blowted his back of head. "Peters said is dead, you know, stone cold 0801Ninners bed" 0801N 0801NSays Zola "How did he die" Suicide! "It can't be true." 0801NSays Zola "It's a lie" 0801N 0801NThat's enough of this song and dance... this is serious Peters's 0801Ndead and stoned cold and there is nuttin anyone of us schmucks can do 'bout 0801Nit even if we gave a United Damnations. 0801N 0801NAt Saids foot of his bed are his socks, but when you look beyond the 0801Nfermentation of his athelethic foot you'll see what looks like a piece of 0801Npaper, but apon closer cross-section you'll actually discover it is a piece 0801Nof paper and on that pierced `o` paper you will see, if you was to look at it 0801Nwith your eyes facing the right way, up, that this writing has meanings on 0801Nit, you see. These writings are a note in which has been written apon that 0801Nit is a note of the suicidal nurture, or of that kind of particles nurture of 0801Ntype. So you can read this and what does it say?Nothing!But if you 0801Ntranslate it into the verbal words from the written you can see or hear that 0801Nit is all about how Saids has topped himself all by himself. It goes:- 0801N 0801N`These are the final words that I shall write... no drat they're in the next 0801Nsentance. I'm blowing my brains with a spoon because I am the father of 0801Ndarling sister, Llynds baby [It's a baby!] and I can't be arsed with being 0801Npointed out as a insetter, so bye then.' 0801N 0801NZola Ashtray was wrong then. He did do himself away, not murmor like she 0801Noriginaly perspected. He must have been pretty desperate to repeatively 0801Npound the back of his bran into a pulp with a carving spoon, but then 0801Ndesperate men do desperate things to relieve themself, whereas desperate 0801Nwomen can hold it in longer, she thought. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0806Y00J0N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C4NBut all isn't not as it seams so it is To Be Continued... if you get myself 0801Ndrift. *!EOF ing to her. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0806Y00C4N 0820Y00F11microknight08NRead more of this novelia-cum-all over the place in part three.... 0801NIt's just a load away! *!EOF ak. *!EOF [ZYXWVUT8C Beatsuck.ZOO}{C Interview.ZOO 0 bookman 24 0 1 0 34 0 22 sharp 8 0 1 0 34 0 47 sharp 8 0 1 0 34 0 *!EOM 56 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00C4Y00J1NAN INTERVIEW WITH FISHBOY 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C1Nby 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NFishBoy...Panda 0814Y00F05sharp08N 0811Y00C5Y00S4N"My musical and visual stuff has attracted a lot of attention from members of 0801Nthe leftfield art scene. Don't belive me? Read this section of an interview 0801Nwith me that was printed in the Guardian just weeks before me having to fake 0801Nmy own death due to the improper sexual advances of over enthusiastic fans in 0811Y27C1Y27S2Nthe street. Or something." - Fishboy: 0806Y00J0N 0816Y00C3Y00S0Y16C1NDerek ArtBloke: Fishboy, your artistic genius is said to have redefined 0801Ncontemporary vision. How do you feel about this? 0811Y00C6Y09C1NFishBoy: I've always said If you throw enougth shit at a wall then some of it 0801Nwill stick.. But then I've also always said that due to Chaos Theory some of 0801Nthat shit will eventually splat in the shape of a cosmic butterfly. 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: After your opus "Roswell - The Truth Is Obvious" took full advantage of 0801Nthe Amigas unique 4 colour mode you regressed back to monochrome. But Why? 0811Y00C6Y03C1NFB: Well using all those colours, I mean, I'll be honest here, I felt like a 0801Nwhore. I like the ultra minimilist approach which explains my new single: "A 0801Nfew loops and the odd sample". 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: Yes. But the response from the Amiga Scene wasn't too promising with your 0801Nearly stuff was it? 0811Y00C6Y03C1NFB: Huh? 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: 17 bit Bit PD? 0811Y00C6Y04C1NFB: I don't know what you mean. 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: Didn't they refuse to distribute the Executioner and Invasion of The 0801NCrabs videos on account of them being of: "Insufficient quality to warrent 0801Nrelease". 0811Y00C6Y04C1NFA: Let me tell you about 17-bit PD, they refused to distribute "Jesus On 0801NCheese" by The S.H.I.T.T.S. owing to the same excuse. They're scared man, 0801Nthey've bought into something that they can't control. It will swallow them 0801Nboyee. 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: Wasn't Executioner made with Videotracker and the premier Atari ST paint 0801Npackage Neochrome? 0811Y00C6Y03C1NFB: No comment. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NDA: You can't actually draw can you? 0811Y00C6Y04C1NFB: Yes. 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: You can't can you? 0811Y00C6Y04C1NFB: Thats an elitist view of art. Your just supressing anything new and raw 0801Nbecause it belongs to the people and you can't steal it for the supposedly 0801N"Cultural" people. 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: What are you going to do when people notice your a useless slacker who 0801Nnicked all his ideas off hardcore punk album sleeves. 0811Y00C6Y03C1NFB: I'm planning to move into films. My first production entitled "Good 0801NFriends" is about this bunch of friends right, and the sexual chemistry, 0801Ntensions, supressed phobia and prejudice and all sorts of social stuff that 0801Ngoes on between them. 0811Y00C3Y03C1NDA: And what happens? 0811Y00C6Y03C1NFB: They play a game of monopoly. Its a metaphor for society in general. In 0801Nthe last scene after everybody's been shot and is dieing this guy writes 0801N"Cunt" on the board in his own blood before dieing. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NDA: And I've heard you've signed a top band to to the soundtrack. 0811Y00C6Y04C1NFB: Yeah, we had a lot of choices: Primal Scream, Radiohead, The Jesus And 0801NMary Chain. In the end we settled for Butt Trumpet. 0811Y00C3Y04C1NDA: Fishboy. Thank you. *!EOF OF ing to her. 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C5N*** 0806Y00C4N 0820Y00F11microknight08NRead more of this novelia-cum-all over the place in part three.... 0801NIt's just a load away! *!EOF ak. *!EOF [ZYXWVUT8C Beatsuck.ZOO (x1C KidsTV.ZOO 0 franklin 18 0 1 0 34 0 21 topaz 8 0 3 0 34 0 46 topaz 8 0 3 0 34 0 71 topaz 8 0 3 0 34 0 96 topaz 8 4 3 22805815 1 34 0 *!EOM 98 1832Y00F08franklin18Y00C4Y08C1Y10C6NKIDS TV - A SINISTER PLOT 2426Y00F07titania24Y00C5Y00S4NJude/panda 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00S0N 0806Y00C3NHas children's television gone completely insane recently? First we had The 0801NTellytubbies, which I won't go on about cause anyone reading this sort of 0801Narticle probably doesn't hold down a regular job and spends their days 0801Nwatching an assortment of bizare daytime TV shows, intended for pre-school 0801Nkids and smack heads. 0801N 0801NTellytubbiess is okay, though compared to the latest sinister offerings that 0801Nthe cynical TV executives are feeding to their highly impressionable, captive 0801Ntoddler (I hate that word) audience. First I catch a surreal show about 0801Ndancing dustbins singing mantras at plastic letterboxs - nothing really to be 0816Y41C2Y46C6Y49C3Nworried about there, but what's this?... Slim Pig. 0801N 0801NSlim Pig is a cartoon series which is broadcast around 4:00pm on ITV, or the 0801NBBC, or one of those ones anyway. Slim Pig follows the adventures of 'Slim' 0801Na happy farm yard pig (and now here's the 'concept') who suffers from a 0801Nhideous birth defect which means he is squashed flat to approximately the 0801Nthickness of a sheet of tracing paper, such as you used to find used for 0801Ntoilet paper at school (or, more likely, strung across the urinals). 0801N 0801NSlim Pig doesn't complain about his deformity, instead choosing to hobble 0811Y33S4Y53S0Nalong as best as he can, with his paper-thin trotters. Slim occasionaly 0801Ngets blown about in a gust of wind, clearly to indicate to disabled kids that 0801Nlife can be a real fucker, when, like Slim, both your eyes are squashed flat 0801Nonto one side of your face. 0801N 0801NThings aren't all bad for this mutant pig though. He has the ability to be 0801Nused by other farmyard animals as an instrument of oragami. Slim is often 0801Nmanhandled into many kinds of funny shapes. Slim's favourite bodily fold is 0801Nwhen he is pressed into the shape of a small paper (read: pig) aeroplane, 0801Nallowing any number of hilarious 'pigs might fly' puns. E.g. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y12C3NBob the cow: I have four stomachs you know 0811Y00C4Y15C3NJohnny rabbit: Yeah, right and I can shit 50 feet onto the top of the 0801Nhaystack 0811Y00C6Y14C3NMungo the cat: I'd like to see that done 0811Y00C2Y12C3NBob the cow: No, I really do have four stomachs 0821Y00C4Y14C1Y29C3Y57C1NJohnny rabbit: [sarcasticaly] Oh, ho ho and pigs might... [enter Slim] 0811Y00C2Y12C3NBob the cow: Ooooff! A hideously derformed pig has just inbedded his cockpit 0801Nin my udders! 0811Y00C4Y14C3NJohnny rabbit: ...fly. 0801N 0801NA classic scene in the episode I watched involved Slim pigs being trampled 0801Ninto the sty floor by his brothers and sisters (all of them, ironically, 0801Nprime examples of what a normal pig should be like, just to rub it in for 0801NSlim), as they all tried to fight for mother sow's milk. The poor crippled 0801Nfuck just didn't stand a chance. 0801N 0801NSlim Pig has obviously been made by sick people. I'm sure many angry parents 0801Nwill suggest in hilariously voiced letters to Points Of View that Slim Pig is 0801Nthe creation of drug crazed minds. Maybe, but Slim Pig is obviously the 0801Nproduct of the kind of person that would laugh at wittly told dead baby 0801Njokes. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y07C3NExec 1: We need a new concept for a daytime kids cartoon 0816Y00C3Y00C4Y08C3NExec 2: What about a story about dolls that come to life when nobodies 0801Nwatching? 0811Y00C5Y08C3NExec 3: No... been done 0811Y00C4Y08C3NExec 2: Well perhaps instead of dolls they could be real babies 0811Y00C2Y08C3NExec 1: Wh-what dya mean Chas?... like dead babies and their possessed? 0811Y00C5Y08C3NExec 3: Would the network buy this...? 0811Y00C4Y08C3NExec 2: Hey fellas --- How do you make a dead baby float? 0811Y00C2Y08C3NExec 1: Is this a story line? 0811Y00C4Y07C3NExec 2: Scoop of icecream, scoop of dead baby! 0811Y00C6Y07C3NExec 4: That's sick... is that sick? 0811Y00C4Y08C3NExec 2: That's nuttin'. Why does the doctor always want a bowl of warm water 0801Nat a birth? 0811Y00C5Y07C3NExec 3: I know this one... So if the babies a stillborn he can make some 0801Nsoup! 0811Y00C6Y07C3NExec 4: Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu! 0811Y00C4Y08C3NExec 2: I've got it! 0811Y00C6Y08C3NExec 4: Well I don't want it 0811Y00C4Y08C3NExec 2: Shut up dick weed. What about a central charcter that's anorexic? 0811Y00C2Y07C3NExec 1: I like it... kids are cruel... they like to mock the afflicted, 0801Nbesides we could make great use of our new airbrush to paint the vomit when 0801Nour characters got their head down the toilet, choking up their meals. 0811Y00C4Y07C3NExec 2: We could make this anorexic some kind of baby... got it... a baby 0801Nthat's gone through an industrial meat cutter, like some streaky bacon 0811Y00C5Y07C3NExec 3: A bit harsh I think 0811Y00C2Y07C3NExec 1: Yeah but I like the bacon cutter. He's defintely got something there 0811Y00C5Y07C3NExec 3: Well we could make it, like a pig that's been cut up alive in the 0801Nblender by mistake. No one gives a fuck about farm yard animals, their 0801Nbodies matted in their own faecies and blood, getting butchered 0811Y00C2Y07C3NExec 1: Good... good... 0816Y00C4Y07C3Y07C3NExec 2: The pigs still alive, but in constant pain, always on medication and 0801Nwrapped in bloody bandages 0811Y00C5Y08C3NExec 3: We can make it so he can 'make like' a paper plane! 0811Y00C6Y08C3NExec 4: We could do a joke about 'pigs might fly' 0821Y00C2Y08C4Y10C5Y13C3NExecs 1,2,3: Shut it dick weed 0821Y00C2Y00C2Y08C3Y51C1NExec 1: 'Slim Pig' - that's what we'll call it.... 'Slim Pig - The Fucked Up, 0801NEmaciated Porker' 0811Y00C5Y08C3NExec 3: Maybe drop that subtitle... 0801N 0801NWhy can't kids TV be like it was in my day. I used to enjoy snuggling up to 0871Y00C3Y13C6Y13S4Y15C1Y16C6Y17C1Y18C6Y18C1Y18C6Y19C6Y19C1Y20C1Y20C6Y21C3Nan episode of Bagpuss. *!EOF ~}|{zCContribute.ZOO/!@C KillCU.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 35600303 1 546 0 19 prime 8 0 1 0 546 0 *!EOM 34 3224Y00F05basic32Y00S7Y00C3NKILL CU AMIGA 3206Y00C2NFishboy/Panda 0814Y00F05prime08N 0811Y00S0Y00C5NIf there ever was an open advertisement for why the Amiga should be thrown 0801Noff a cliff into the "Sea of Ultimate Pain" then it is CU-Amiga. So to all 0801Nreaders of Zoo: Send as much shit into CU-Amiga as possible. Here are some 0801Nsuggestions: 0801N 0806Y00C1N"Don't release TFX" petitions with as many obviously false signitures and 0801Nstupid names as possible. 0801N 0806Y00C6NDigitised pictures of the CU-Amiga staff with "TWAT" inscribed on their 0801Nforheads along with messages saying "Look what I did with your Personal Paint 0801Ncoverdisk". (Also send the same picture with some really lame colour filter 0801Nadded to it a month later with the message "Look what I did with your Image 0801NStudio coverdisk".) 0801N 0806Y00C1NLetters with comments like: "Is there an S3M tracker available for the Amiga 0801Nbecause Sound Studio is just SHIT". 0801N 0806Y00C6NSend as many Imagine rendered pictures of shiny balls on top of chessboards 0801Nas possible. 0801N 0806Y00C1NSend Andrew Korn deaththreats written in red paint and signed "Mr David 0801NPleasance". 0801N 0806Y00C6NSend them photographs of people playing on Saturns / Playstations etc. etc. 0801Nand smiling. 0801N 0806Y00C1NSend whole disks full of sexually explicit messages in the format of worms 0801Nlevels. 0801N 0806Y00C6NSend Klondike card sets with Death Metal themes. *!EOF  ]C English.ZOO*>C Klepto.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 564 0 23 xfont 8 0 1 0 564 0 *!EOM 29 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C6NThe Hideous Truth Of A Kleptomaniac 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NBy Alchemy 0814Y00F05prime08N 0811Y00C5Y55S4NThanks to Lance Wittz for help with the difficult bits: "Your words are like 0801Nmy sunshine, your presence like a million tiny pebbles, washed up on the noon 0806Y21S0Ntide." 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0816Y00C1Y52C5Y56C1NLast friday I walked into a shop and stole a small, blue Parker-like pen. 0801NThere were no witnesses. I wasn't caught. I literally walked into the high 0801Nstreet chainstore, picked up the pen, pocketed it in my shower jacket and 0801Nwalked out again. Right now I feel ashamed and low about the whole matter, 0801Nbecause this was the first time I had done this in over 5 months.... or 169 0801Ndays. 0801NI am a thief. I know I'm a thief and for a long time I didn't care. In the 0801Nlast three years I have pocketed 15 similar Parker-like pens, virtually all 0811Y07C5Y13C1Nof them blue and in addition to this a cd carousel unit, a pair of woolen 0801Nmittens, cotton buds (although I later returned several of these anonymously) 0801Nand also a set of Axis luggage cases. 0801NNow I have combated my lust for consumables and I can, or think I can control 0801Nmy urges to a degree. If anyone who is reading this has ever been in a 0801Nsimilar position then prehaps they could send me some suggestions or just 0801Nexperiences. Perhaps readers could even send me their new or used parker-like 0801Npens that they no longer require so that I can feel full inside. Preferably 0811Y00C5Y04C1Nblue pens. 0801NReally I have no way of adding to what I have said. Writing this has made me 0801Nfeel better about myself. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y09C4NAlchemy: A.D.Epstein@CMS.Birmingham.AC.UK *!EOF ]C English.ZOOOC Leaving.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 0 513 0 *!EOM 15 3224Y00F05basic32Y00J1Y00C2NWhy I'm Leaving The Scene 3211Y00S1Y00C6NBy Persil 0814Y00F05topaz08N 0831Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00S0Y00C5NGoodbye to all the friends I have made over the past 5 years. There have been 0801Nsome good moments and some that are best forgotten. This will be one of the 0801Nlast things I type on this keyboard for some time. I'm going to travel for a 0801Nwhile, who knows where, but one things for sure, I can't take my Amiga with 0801Nme. I will be selling some of my kit, after all, so expect a phone call if 0811Y36C7Y45C3Nyou expressed an interest recently. Wig Boy- you have first call on buying my 0801Nvast collection of blobby cds. 0814Y00F05topaz08N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C5NAdious and bon voyage to eveyone. Especialy Howard Rigsby, Fat Eddie, Pip E., 0801NMule, Hoppo, Wallace and Drake, Biffa, Ted, Domino and my trusted friend 0811Y00C4Y25C1NAerial- partner in crime ;) *!EOF ,  CLoadedReply.ZOO 0 ruby 15 0 1 0 1040 0 23 microknight 8 0 3 0 1040 1 *!EOM 47 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C5Y00J1NReply to 1213Y00F04ruby12N"The First Time I Bought Loaded" 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C3Nby Alchemy 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00J0N 0806Y00C1NI was disgusted to look at a pre-production copy of this issue of The Zoo to 0811Y28C2Y35C1Nsee Uncle Jack's article on Loaded magazine. 0801N 0801NThis sought of approval for such explotative dross is abhorant to me. How 0801Ncan Jack (whom I have been fortunate enough never to meet) say that 0801N 0840Y00F11microknight08Y00C3Y00J1Y21C1Y31C3N"You might think it's [Loaded] a porn mag, but it's not. It is a magazine 0801Nfor the new millenium." 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0806Y00C1NWho is he trying to kid. Loaded is as much porn as any of the other filth 0801Nthat we in society are subjected to. Just because Loaded packages itself as 0801Ninnocent material for the so called `new lad` who `likes` women it doesn't 0801Nmake the actual message that the magazine sends out acceptable. 0801N 0801NLoaded is saying that we should treat women as pieces of meat, literaly raw 0801Nflesh to be gaped at instead of human beings in their own right. 0801N 0801NUncle Jack might enjoy his 0801N 0860Y00F11microknight08Y00C3Y00J1Y10C4Y13C5Y21C4Y29C4Y30C5Y39C3N"favourite A SWIMWEAR SPECIAL PICTORIAL lasting 8 pages in full colour 0801Nprint." 0806Y00J0N 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00C1Nbut think how these young, exploited women felt who had to display their 0801Nbodies as a means of earning cash. To me this is akin to common 0801Nprostitution. 0801N 0801NAs a feminist, to me this is unacceptable and both women AND men should speak 0801Nout against it. Witness yourself how this sought of material has already 0801Nwarped Jack into believing that all woman are avalible, such as the shop 0801Nassistant who serves him, 0801N 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00C3Y00J1N"the nice young lady at the counter, who wouldn't look out of place in 0801NLoaded's swimwear section herself." 0811Y00C1Y00J0N 0814Y00F05xfont08NA woman is certainly not just an object of sexual appeal to be thought of as 0801Nfufilling to one's self. Women are just as intelligent, if not more so than 0801Nmen and should be treated as such. 0801N 0801NIf you agree write in and let us stamp out the denegration of women in 0801Nsociety once and for all. 0801N 0866Y00C5Y00S1Y00J1Y00S4Y06C6Y11C5Y16C7Y27C6Y32C5Y42C6Y50C5Y55C6Y59C5NSTAMP FILTH LIKE UNCLE JACK OUT. PROTEST AGAINST THIS SAD PERVERT. *!EOF o p6k<xwvutsrqpC Comedy.ZOO  5T   \C News.ZOO 0 taurus 16 0 1 0 804 0 22 xfont 8 0 3 0 804 0 *!EOM 47 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C5NTHE NEWS OF THE FUTURE 2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C1NFISHBOY of PANDA 0814Y00F05xfont08N 0811Y00C6Y00S2NWhat will happen in 5, 10, maybe 20 years from now? Curious as to what will 0801Nbe in the papers after your demise? Read on, read on: 0801N 0821Y00S0Y00C3Y00S1Y08S0NThe Pope reveals that organized religion: "Is all a bit of fun", and that he, 0801N"never meant for things to go this far". 0801N 0816Y00C4Y00S1Y07S0NBoyzone change their name to "The Karaoke Kings" and do their own unique 0801Ncover version of "White Riot" by the Clash. 0801N 0816Y00C3Y04S1Y18S0NThe Pembroke hills declare independance and refuse to co-operate with the 0801Nrest of Britain. 0801N 0816Y00C4Y00S1Y15S0NTrevor Maconald "Comes out of the closet" on the news at ten. 0801N 0816Y00C3Y00S1Y13S0NCourtney Love gives "virgin birth" to the next Christ. 0801N 0816Y00C4Y00S1Y10S0NBill Gates declares that by 2004 we will have two Christmases a year. 0801N 0816Y00C3Y00S1Y12S0NNoel Edmonds is found to have "No apparent aura" by Mystic Meg when he hosts 0801NThe National Lottery. 0801N 0816Y00C4Y00S1Y18S0NLittle grey people in Power Rangers T-shirts and shorts wander around Roswell 0801NNew Mexico asking "Can we have our ball back please?". 0801N 0816Y00C3Y53S1Y68S0NSatans leg is found pickeled in the biology rooms of Runshaw college in 0801NLancashire labelled "Care of Rolf Harris". - (this "joke" if thats what you 0801Ncan call it appears courtesy of Citizen Fish. Nobody else in the world knows 0801Nwhat it means...). 0801N 0816Y00C4Y30S1Y41S0NUFO crackdown reveals illegal clay pigeon shooting championships all around 0801Nthe world. 0801N 0816Y00C3Y00S1Y17S0NLock Ness monster found to be "Over enthusiastic seal cub". 0801N 0816Y00C4Y13S1Y25S0NThe image of Kurt Cobains face appears in a bowl of readybreak. 0801N 0816Y00C3Y00S1Y19S0NBiblical historians are dismayed to find that the genuine shroud of Christ 0801Nhas been made into a bootleg Pulp T-shirt and now has the words "I want to 0801Nhave your babies" printed badly on the back. 0801N 0816Y00C4Y00S1Y11S0NKeith Flint out of the Prodigy wins the first three Butlins national wet 0801NT-shirt contests but is beaten by the fat one out of Shampoo in the final of 0801Nthe fourth. *!EOF C Comedy.ZOOd蠔 Cw Octamed.ZOO 0 ruby 15 0 1 0 324 0 21 microknight 8 0 5 0 324 0 46 microknight 8 0 5 23407320 1 324 0 *!EOM 54 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00J1Y00C3NREVIEW OF OCTAMED SOUNDSTUDIO 2422Y00F08ganymede24Y00C1NFishBoy 1213Y00F04ruby12Nof Panda 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00J0N 0806Y00C5NOctamed Soundstudio has been said to be the greatest music package for the 0801NAmiga. A program which truly rivals anything the PC has to offer and... 0801N 0801NAww fuck, its just complete shit. I don't know how anybody failed to notice 0801Nthis simple fact but Octamed Soundstudio is almost totally useless. Here is 0811Y29S4Y54S0Nmy honest opinion of all the "revolutionary features" incorporated into this 0801Nfat sack of shit: 0801N 0811Y00C3Y02C5N1) Fast Ram samples. Er... great... (The average module is about 300k long 0801Nand not even Teijoo Fuckamen or whatever his name is could write a tracker 0801Nthat takes up 1700k memory so why is this here? I don't know...) 0801N 0821Y00C3Y03C5Y03S4Y48S0N2) Aura 16 / Aura Interactor / Toccatta support: We don't know if this exists 0801Nor if he just put it the menu to take the piss. Nobody in the world has any 0801Nof these things anyway. 0801N 0816Y00C3Y02C4Y02C5N3) 14bit output: This is just lies. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y02C5N4) Support for other sample and mod formats: Whoopy Doo. Like I always save 0811Y13S4Y19S0Nfiles in the MatLab format anyhow. Also: Great support for different mod 0806Y09S4Nformats: MED, MED 2, OctaMED 1, OctaMED 2-3, OctaMED 4, OctaMED 5-6, OctaMED 0816Y12S0Y18S4Y31S0NSoundStudio and a Sound Tracker save routine that halves the modules speed 0801Nand fucks up all the sample loops. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y03C5N5) No Sample Size Limits: More lies. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y02C5N6) 8 Channel sound: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y02C5N7) Configurable keys: Yeah but you can't program the space bar to delete 0801Nstuff, which is just sadastically cruel. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y03C5N8) Mixing modes: If, in the unlikely event, you have ever bought a second 0821Y05S4Y28S0Y31S4Y44S0Nhand "Jesus And Mary Chain" or "Sonic Youth" LP and then got home to find it 0801Nwarped and scratched to fuck, and then played it through the headphones you 0801Ngot with your first ever walkman using a rusty nail as a stylus then you will 0801Nknow exactly what this sounds like. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y02C5N9) Equalizers: No, I won't spoil the surprise. Just load it up, put on a 0801N"banging choon" and laugh till you hurl... 0801N 0821Y00C3Y04C5Y57S2Y65S0N10) Arexx support: Bet this caused much group wanking at CU Amiga. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y02C5N6) 2 Instructions per tracker line: Another lie. 0801N 0801NAnd don't forget the fact that it takes up stupid ammounts of memory, is 0801Ncompletely unuser friendly to configure and still doesn't put the actually 0801Ntracker commands in the menus. 0801N 1228Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C3Y14C5NIn conclusion: This just sucks. *!EOF C Comedy.ZOOW4.,+*)('&%$#"! )MC OnAndOn.ZOO 0 ganymede 24 0 1 0 579 0 21 sharp 8 0 1 0 579 0 46 sharp 8 0 1 0 579 0 71 sharp 8 0 1 0 579 0 96 sharp 8 0 1 0 579 0 121 sharp 8 0 1 0 579 0 146 sharp 8 0 1 0 579 0 *!EOM 156 2432Y00F08ganymede24Y00C5Y09C6Y09C4NBeatles: On and On 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3Nby Allison Adato and Robert Sullivan 1201NFrom Life 1201N 0829Y00F05sharp08Y00C6Y00S4Y00C4NHomages on the Internet, pilgrimages to the cradle, annual conFabs: Three 0801Ndecades later, we still believe in yesterday. 0801N 0806Y00S0N 0806Y00C1NWhen John Lennon wrote "Across the Universe," he could never have imagined 0801Nhis words would be flying around 27 years later in a place called cyberspace. 0801NOr that the Beatles, thanks to a six-hour television special, would be the 0801Ntop-grossing entertainment act of some far-off future year--say, 1995. Or 0801Nthat the wonders of technology would enable him to sing again with Paul and 0801NGeorge and Ringo, 15 years after his death. 0801N 0801NToday, the Fab Four--as a band, a concept, an industry--are healthier than 0801Never. Indeed, in retrospect, their breakup seems to have been a great career 0801Nmove. Between new releases of old songs (including a disc from the Quarry 0801NMen, for goodness' sake!) and an authorized documentary to run on ABC in 0801NNovember--not to mention sales of the canon, sure to enjoy a spurt--the 0801NBeatles are expected to earn more than $100 million this year. And they'll 0801Nsweat far less than Mick Jagger doing it. 0801N 0801NThe Beatles may have disbanded in 1969, but they did not die. 0801N 0801NWhile the TV show and new discs, and the hype surrounding them, will remind 0801Nthe masses of this, some folks knew it all along. These are the Beatlemaniacs 0801Nwho have carried the torch for a quarter century and more. They make 0801Npilgrimages to Penny Lane, Abbey Road and Hamburg's Reeperbahn, to the 0801NStrawberry Field children's home in Liverpool and Strawberry Fields in New 0801NYork City's Central Park. They trade Beatle goods with one another. They know 0801NBeatle songs to hum on every occasion--from "Good Day Sunshine" to "Golden 0801NSlumbers." They live Beatle lives and raise Beatle kids. 0801N 0801NIn part, it's the music, still rippling waves of joy after all these years. 0801NBut scholars who study the phenomenon (yes, there are Beatle courses and 0801NBeatle dissertations) say it goes deeper than that. One cites the "hero 0801Nphenomenon," that the band symbolizes something we yearn for in ourselves. 0801NAnother likens the Beatles to a first sexual experience: "You can be a virgin 0801Nonly once." Yet another says the boys allow us to long for what we cannot 0801Nhave--lost innocence, perhaps, a time gone by. 0801N 0801NWhatever the reason, fans flock by the thousands to Liverpool, where 0801NBeatletourism is now a bigger industry in this Merseyside port than shipping. 0801NAcross from the Cavern Club--the original has long since been torn down, but 0801Na replica was built in 1984--is the Cavern Pub, with such offerings as a 0801N"Sgt. Pepper steak sandwich" and an "I Am the Egg Man omelet." The pub is 0801Nowned by Cavern City Tours, which takes 12,000 fans a year around the city in 0801Nits Magical Mystery Tour bus. On a sweltering summer day, 39 are aboard, each 0801Nhaving paid about $10 to pass such sites as the hospital where Richard 0801NStarkey was treated for pleurisy, the registrar's office where John Lennon 0801Nmarried Cynthia Powell and the church where Paul McCartney sang in a choir. 0801N 0801NHilary Oxlade, the tour guide, has heard it all. "As we entered a cathedral 0801None day, there was a banner to Pope John Paul," she recalls. "This Russian 0801Ngroup asked, 'What about George and Ringo?' God's honest truth." 0801N 0801NKathie Hughes, who lives at 12 Arnold Grove, formerly the Harrison residence, 0801Nreports: "I don't even get a break on Christmas day. Once a Japanese girl 0801Nstayed from eleven in the morning until four p.m. She didn't move! I gave her 0801Na cup of tea and a biscuit." 0801N 0801NOther Beatlemaniacs gather in Chicago, Los Angeles and New York for annual 0801NconFabs. These Beatlefests are the brainchild of Mark Lapidos, who was a 0801N26-year-old record store assistant manager when, in 1974, he worried that too 0801Nlittle was being done to celebrate the 10th anniversary of the Beatles' 0801Narrival on these shores. He approached John Lennon himself with an idea. 0801N"April 28, 1974--a day I'll never forget," says Lapidos. "Lennon told me, 0801N'I'm all for it. I'm a Beatle fan too.'" 0801N 0801NNow, 21 years later, the Chicago gig draws 7,000 fans, at $38 each, and fills 0801Ntwo floors of the airport Hyatt. There are films, lectures, karaoke video 0801N(sing the songs and make your own filmlet) and row after row after row of 0801Nmemorabilia: pins, purses and posters; lampshades and bedspreads; bubble bath 0801Nand bubble-gum cards; lunchboxes and Beatles "kaboodle kits"; toy guitars and 0801Ndrums. If you haven't played the Flip Your Wig board game in 30 years, this 0801Nis your lucky day. A tattered Spanish comic book, El Submarino Amarillo, 0801Ncosts $25. The Paul-shaped bottle of bubble bath is $100; the Ringo version 0801Nis only $80. 0801N 0801NThe blue book for all this merchandise is The Beatles Memorabilia Price 0801NGuide, published by Jeff Augsburger, 45, a plumber from Normal, Ill., who 0801Nboasts the most complete collection of Beatles stuff in North America. (He 0801Nkeeps it in his basement, a concession to his wife.) He even has three of the 0801NGoebel limited-edition figurines issued only in Germany and Peru. If 0801NAugsburger ever finds the ceramic John, his set will be worth $10,000. Unlike 0801Nmost Beatles collectors, Augsburger never sells an item unless he owns a 0801Nduplicate; he's in it for the passion, not the money. 0801N 0801NTwo Quarry Men are also in Chicago, having made their first-ever trip to 0801NAmerica (if this is a big year for the Beatles, it's a really big year for 0801Nthe Q Men). Brian Epstein's former assistant is here, as are some ex-members 0801Nof Wings. During a session with Wing Denny Laine, a woman speaks softly into 0801Nthe mike: "My husband and I dated to 'Band on the Run,' and we're here 0801Ncelebrating our twentieth wedding anniversary." It's a sweet moment. Applause 0801Nfrom the crowd seems to say: Where else would you spend your anniversary? 0801N 0801NAt Beatlefest, parents are teaching their children. A family of four from a 0801NChicago suburb makes a karaoke video of "Twist and Shout." The lead singer, 0801NDanny Rickert, six, is at his third Beatlefest. Yellow Submarine is Danny's 0801Nfavorite film, but he also likes Paul's grandfather in A Hard Day's Night. 0801NJohn is his favorite Beatle because, he says, "John is funny." He talks about 0801NJohn in the present tense. Someday soon the Rickerts will have to explain 0801Nabout John to Danny. But not now, not yet. 0801N 0801NSome parents admit they can't convert their kids. Debbie Pietryga is here 0801Nalone: "I'll play Beatles music in the car, and my thirteen-year-old is like, 0801N'Turn it off, Mom.' " Then there's vice versa. "I grew up on Elton John," 0801Nsays Barb Grainger, who was dragged here by her 16-year-old daughter, Shauna. 0801NThe Beatles, it seems, are not only handed down, parent to child; there is 0801Nsomething about them that can skip a generation. 0801N 0801NThe newest gathering place for Beatlemaniacs is on the Internet. There are, 0801Nto date, 40 home pages devoted to the Beatles. Some get pretty small. "Eric 0801Nand Pattie and George and All" minutely examines the relationship between 0801NMessrs. Clapton and Harrison and the wife they shared (at different times). 0801NAnother contains a filmography of Jane Asher, Paul's onetime girlfriend. 0801N 0801NAmong the most hotly debated subjects in Beatle cyberspace: "Were Paul's 0801Nlyrics really that bad?" "Who was behind the Paul Is Dead hoax?" "Did Yoko 0801Nbreak up the Beatles?" One electronic survey asks: "What's your favorite 0801Nsong?" (the result: "A Day in the Life"). The sheer repetitiveness of certain 0801Nquestions proves how much people like to think back to their favorite Beatles 0801Nsong, think back to the Beatles. 0801N 0801NOne guy is posting an academic analysis of every Beatles lyric ever written. 0801NWhy? Because he can. As another Webmeister named Saki explains: "I'm an 0801NEgyptologist by training, a Beatleologist by desire. I was just so pleased 0801Nthat there was a place where I could enthuse about the Beatles and no one 0801Nwould laugh at me." 0801N 0801NSure, some paeans to the Beatles are pretty laughable. Rhino Records recently 0801Nreleased an album of Beatles songs performed by Bugs Bunny's band, the Furry 0801NFour. William Shatner did a version of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." And 0801NGeorge Martin is said to be producing an album featuring, among other things, 0801NJack Nicholson singing "I Am the Walrus." 0801N 0801NBut more earnest tributes abound. Nirvana wants to make a video of "In 0801NBloom," so they book themselves on an imaginary Ed Sullivan Show, complete 0801Nwith screaming girls. Fashion designer Anna Sui listens over and over to last 0801Nyear's Beatles at the BBC while developing this year's mod-look collection of 0801Ndrainpipe pants and three-button jackets. The cast of Seinfeld poses for the 0801Ncover of Entertainment Weekly in emulation of the turtlenecked, 0801Nthree-across-one-down chiaroscuro portrait on With the Beatles (subliminal 0801Nmessage: This group is tight, fun, hip and lovable). Musicians from R.E.M., 0801NSoul Asylum and other groups perform early Beatles songs for Backbeat, a 0801Nrecent film about the Hamburg days. They play ferociously, reverently, 0801Nwonderfully. 0801N 0801NAnd now, miraculously, the Threetles--Paul, George and Ringo--harmonize once 0801Nmore with John. One song is called "Free as a Bird," and it's said to be 0801Nlovely. But is it the Beatles? Is any of this the Beatles? Well, sure, in a 0801Nway. All of it--the trinkets, the places familiar in song, the music--lets us 0801Nhold on, in some small way, to the part of us that was touched by the 0801NBeatles. They do live on. They live on, and on, in us. *!EOF us. 0801N 1228Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C3Y14C5NIn conclusion: This just sucks. *!EOF C Comedy.ZOO- .^3I6543210/.COtherAnimals.ZOO 0 taurus 16 0 1 0 787 0 22 taurus 16 0 5 0 787 0 44 taurus 16 0 3 0 787 0 66 pcclone 8 0 1 41601716 1 787 0 *!EOM 88 1635Y00F06taurus16Y00C5Y05C4Y10C6Y15C2NKnow Your Other Animals 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NJude/Panda 0814Y00F05prime08N 0806Y00C1NSince last issue several readers have contacted me, claiming there may have 0801Nbeen a handful of shameless omissions in my animal information feature: 0816Y00C5Y00S4Y19C1NKNOW YOUR ANIMALS 0806Y00S0NI inspected your claims... 7 readers pointed out missing animals that were 0801Nactually on my list under the letter D, as in D for Drake... A further 18 0801Nreaders suggested non-boda-fida animalistics... 2 were just silly... 1 0801Nrespondant was without stamp and so I never recieved it, although 0801Nconceivabely this could have been a gas bill or something. (perhaps even 0811Y29C2Y40C1Nanother great mail shot from Sadeness PD - cheers guys, but I really don't 0811Y16S4Y42S0Nwant your latest `Extra-Terrestial CD-Rom') 0801N 0801N1 reader however did find a missing animal, so I had to look this up in a 0801Nvariety of easy-to-fold reference units. During the course of my folding I 0801Nstumbled apon a whole strain of new species, which have only recently been 0831Y20C2Y33C4Y37C5Y44C3Y56C6Y59C2Ncategorised by the `International New Animal Regulatory and Speculatative 0821Y00C4Y12C1Y16C6Y24C1NEyewitnesses' or IN-ARSE as this curiously abreviates to in short hand. 0801NThese new animals may be of some disturbing interest: 0801N 0801N 1625Y00F06taurus16Y00C2Y07C5NBARBARY APE 0816Y00F07pcclone08N 0806Y00C1NThis is actually a type of monkey, but without a tail. It's natural home is 0811Y71C6Y76C1NNorth Africa, but a famous colony of the animals bound about the famed Rock 0801Nof Gibralter. 0801N 0801N 1625Y00F06taurus16Y00C3Y07C4NBARBARY SHEEP 0831Y00F07pcclone08Y00F07pcclone08N 0806Y00C1NClosely related to the goat family, with a long tail, large sweeping horns 0801Nand a mane of long hair on the throat and forelegs. Found in parts of North 0801NAfrica. 0801N 0801N 0820Y00F06taurus16Y00C5NDORMOUSE 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00C1N 0801NRodent about the size of a common housing-mouse but this is actualy of the 0801Nfawn variant in colour and a creature of the country-side, as apposed to the 0821Y29S4Y46S0Y49C2Y60C1Ncity dweler. Lives mainly on nuts and acorns and hibernates during the 0801Nwinter. 0801N 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C3NGOAT 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00C1N 0811Y20C7Y31C1NGroup of cud-chewing (ruminant) mammals, also distinguished by their hollow 0801Nhorns and, in the case of the males, a small beard on the chin. (hence the 0801Nphrase: "That man has a goatie's beard apon his chin") Domestic goats are 0801Nfound in communities all over the world, providing milk, meat and hides. 0801NSpecies of wild goat include the Ibex and the Markhor, found mainly in 0801Nmountainous regions of Europe, Asia and north Africa, but not else where, say 0821Y00C5Y06C1Y09C5Y24C1NBeirut or Constantinople. 0801N 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C4NLEMUR 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00C1N 0801NMammal classed as a Primate and similar to a type of monkey. It is found 0801Nmainly in Madagascar (MAD A GAS CAR) and is usually nocturnal. The 0801Nring-tailed lemur lives up to its name with a long brown and white ringed 0801Ntail, which it dresses to the left. 0801N 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C2NURANUS 0816Y00F07pcclone08N 0806Y00C1NPlanet of the SOLAR SYSTEM with an equatorial diameter of 49,700 km (31,000 0801Nmiles to the lay-man) and a population of about 3 million. The capital is 0821Y35C3Y40C1Y44C3Y49C1NMontevideo. The chief products are meat and wool. 0801N 0801N 0820Y00F06taurus16Y00C6NMOOSE 0816Y00F07pcclone08N 0806Y00C1NSee Elk. 0801N 0801N 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C5NTAPIR 0821Y00F07pcclone08Y00C1N 0811Y20S4Y29S0NMammal classed as an Ungulate. One species is native to parts of Central and 0801NSouth America; the other, larger species lives in Malaya. Tapirs are 0801Nvegetarian, nocturnal and timid. They are also good swimmers, but hold no 0811Y20C2Y26C1Nolympic medals, nor bronze certificates to varify this. 0801N 0814Y00F05prime08N 0811Y00C6Y00S4NFurther animal suggestions for inclusion may be sent to The Zoo, carefully 0801Nlabeled that there is a hit-list of mammals, fish or poultery within the 0801Njiffy, in case the Post Office start complaining about unauthorised units 0806Y36S0Ngoing through their process line. *!EOF 78H>=<;:98 *C PandaMember.ZOO 0 sharp 24 0 1 47403217 1 306 0 18 sharp 8 0 1 0 306 0 41 sharp 8 0 1 0 306 0 64 ruby 12 0 1 40000810 1 306 1 *!EOM 75 2427Y00F08ganymede24Y00J1Y00C4NBecome A Panda Member 1822Y00F08franklin18Y00C6NJude + Melee 1225Y00F04ruby12Y00F04ruby15N 1206Y00C4N 1201NPanda Recruits 1206Y00C3N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00S4NWe're ready to believe you 0814Y00F05sharp08N 0816Y00J0Y00C1Y00S0N 0811Y42C2Y47C1NWant to join a fast growing Amiga group? Panda is in need of new members. 0801NIf you think you've got what it takes (or are just interested) then read this 0801Narticle now! We need new blood to swell the ranks. Panda needs you. 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C5NCoders 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C1N 0801NIf you can code in assembler or even Amos then your the sort of folk we need. 0801NWhether you specialise in utilities or demos, if you can take the pace then 0801Nyour in. 0801N 0806Y00C2N 1213Y00F04ruby12NGFX Artists 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C1N 0801NIf your hot with a mouse then stop it and get drawing. We need talented/ 0801Nfairly talented/quite talented/Once used Dpaint 1 users to draw us some 0801Nstuff. Graphics for title screens or (especialy) logos are much needed so 0801Nbung us your disks. If you have a real time digitiser, an expensive flatbed 0811Y37C2Y42C1Nscanner or a camcorder then join the Panda crew, no questions asked. 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C3NMusicians 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C1N 0801NIf you can write a good tune or medley or the latest sound on the grove, then 0806Y58C7Ngroove on down. Send us some nice mods, preferably in the WORLD STANDARD 0806Y11C1NPROTRACKER format or send us a tape if there real big, or a CD if you really 0801Nwant to impress us. 0806Y00C6N 0801N 1213Y00F04ruby12NASCII Artists 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C1N 0801NWe need little ASCII things so come join us you fiends. 0801N 0806Y00C4N 1213Y00F04ruby12NArticle Writers 0814Y00F05sharp08N 0806Y00C1NFor the promising, underground, alternative diskmag The Zoo. Help us get the 0801Nmag out more often by doing the do on the keyboard biz, man. Write for The 0801NZoo you know it's the tops for you and me and everybody. 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C5NSwappers 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C1N 0801NPeople who send disks to each other cause they can't afford a modem are a 0801Nvaluable asset to the Panda crew. If you can write letters and use XCopy 0801Nthen get in touch and you can be our outlet. 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C2NBBS Operators 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C1N 0801NAnyone got a spare corner or alcove in their flat/bedsit. Set up a BB and 0801Nwe'll B-Be round. 0801N 0801N 0801NSend your work for inspection to the address and fully expect a repliey: 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00J1N 1206Y00C6NPanda Recruits 1206Y00C3N49 Judeland 1201NAstley Village 1201NChorley 1201NLancs 1201NPR7 1XJ 1201N 0824Y00F05sharp08Y00J0Y00C1NRemember winners don't take drugs and remember drug users don't take part in 0811Y19S4Y27S0Ncompetitions except 15 to 1 with William Graham Stuart. *!EOF  Beatleg.ZOO?@YXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA@3C &PandaNews3.ZOO 0 microknight 8 0 1 0 35 0 21 topaz 8 0 5 0 50 0 46 microknight 8 0 5 0 560 0 69 pcclone 8 0 3 0 800 0 93 xfont 8 0 1 0 770 0 118 xfont 8 0 6 0 515 0 143 xfont 8 0 1 0 35 0 168 xfont 8 0 1 0 50 0 193 xfont 8 0 1 24213009 1 560 0 *!EOM 209 0850Y00F11microknight08Y00J1Y00C3Y09C4Y18C5Y30C6Y39C2N ____/\_______/\______ /| ______/\ _______/\ 0826Y00C3Y09C4Y18C5Y30C6Y39C2N \ _ /\ /\ \ \ | | \ ___ \\ / 0826Y00C3Y09C4Y18C5Y30C6Y40C2N /\/_| \ \_/\ / \ \ \| | /\/| / / \_/\ / 0826Y00C3Y09C4Y18C5Y29C6Y40C2N / /___/ / _/ / / /\ |/ |/ / / _/ / 0826Y00C3Y10C4Y18C5Y29C6Y40C2N/ / \// / /__/ \ /\___ / \// / 0826Y00C3Y09C4Y24C5Y30C6Y41C2N\_/ /_/ \_/ \_/ /_/ 0801N 0816Y00C6Y07C2Y11C6Npresent the official 0801N 3219Y00F05basic32Y00C5NPanda News 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C1NJude & Melee 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00J0N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C3N````` 0801N 0806Y00C5NUpdate 26.6.97 0801N 0824Y00F05sharp08Y00C2Y05C1NPanda were a fairly new group assembled from long-term Amiga users, but we 0801Nare now a year old, which in computing terms is equivilant to 6.8 years (joke 0816Y11C1Y11S4Y51S0Ntaken from 'Hilarious Computer Jokes version 7.9b' if you find this funny 0811Y46S2Y56S0Nmore humour of this kind can be obtained from Fatts John, but not here.) 0801N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C5N <\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\ 0801N \  0811Y03C3Y29C5N  The current members are: \ 0801N \  0839Y00F05topaz08Y01C5Y04C1Y19C3Y21C4Y56C5N  Melee - programming and seating arrangement \ 0826Y01C5Y04C1Y18C3Y20C4Y57C5N \ Jude - graphics and properties  0826Y00C5Y04C1Y18C3Y20C4Y70C5N  Fishboy - music and additional graphics and training shoe \ 0826Y00C5Y04C1Y18C3Y20C4Y64C5N \ Squire - rendering and moral priest and guider  0826Y00C5Y04C1Y19C3Y21C4Y64C5N  Uncle Jack - ascii artist and local beaver/cubs master \ 0826Y00C5Y03C1Y18C3Y20C4Y64C5N \ Mr. Kevin - assistant ascii artist and Melee's handler/  0821Y00C5Y18C1Y21C4Y41C5N  assistant handler \ 0806Y00C5N \  0801N <\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\>/<\ 0814Y00F05sharp08N 0811Y00C2Y06C1NPanda is always looking for new members to swell our ranks. So drop us a 0821Y60C6Y63C1Y67S4Y75S0Njiffy and we'll be keep in contact. You can find us on the IRC on #coders 0811Y03S4Y10S0Nand #Amiga, but for guaranteed contact write to: 0801N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y16C6N Jude/Panda 0806Y20C3N 49 Judeland 0801N Astley Village 0801N Chorley 0801N Lancs 0801N PR7 1XJ 0806Y42C5N England 0801N 0829Y00F05sharp08Y00C1Y34S2Y50S0NOr contact Melee by use of modern Email technology, through use of these 0801Nmagic words: 0801N 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C5NL.S.Howarth@CMS.Salford.AC.UK 0824Y00F05sharp08Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NWhat will happen and where you are supposed to type this gobbledegook we 0801Ndon't know, if you know email us and tell us. 0801N 0801NWe really need members. So we really want to see those jiffies flying 0801Nthrough the door. 0801N 0801NVisit our web site, but where is it? Do you know, cause we lost it after 0811Y53S2Y59S0Nthat freak parking incident fagment Melee's memory. Squire has his own site, 0801Nbut it's far too ha ha to be funny. 0801N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C3N````` 0801N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00J1Y00C4NNews: 0831Y00F07pcclone08Y00J0Y00C2Y01C3N* Possible board coming... 0811Y00C2Y02C3N* Citizen Fish leaves after other members complain that he is an unknown 0801N quantity. 0811Y00C2Y01C3N* Wig Boy denied membership on the grounds of inability to find Dpaint 0801N palette requestor. 0811Y00C2Y01C3N* Melee chars his equipment in small room fire. Fortunately his stuff his 0801N saved, by a miracle... Jude loses everything he ever lent Melee. 0811Y00C2Y02C3N* Jude considers buying accelerator if he can scrape together money. 0811Y00C2Y02C3N* Wig Boy offers to lend money if Halifax windfall comes through. 0811Y00C2Y02C3N* Meet the gang at the Reading Festival (whichever years festival this 0801N eventualy turns out to be) 0821Y00C2Y02C3Y30C6Y32C1N* Changes of address iminant: > Melee has moved to Salford 0811Y30C6Y33C1N > Jude is moving to Newcastle 0811Y31C6Y33C1N > Uncle Jack moves job club, after he is 0801N kicked out of latest squat by council 0811Y30C6Y32C1N > Fishboy remains stable 0811Y00C2Y02C3N* Late news just in! : Panda has a new member. Mr. Kevin has been associated 0801N with the group since the early days, but we've always told him he's 0801N pointless. This has meant he has a huge inferioty complex and we can order 0801N him about like some bitch puppy. Mr. Kevin is a welcome addition to the 0801N team. 0801N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C3N````` 0801N 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00C4Y00J1NNew or Forthcoming Releases: 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00J0N 0806Y00C6NZoo #1 - Unborn 0806Y00C1NOur first mag effort. A bit shady but worth a download. Source included! 0801NI wouldn't share my Mag, mum with anybody. 0801N 0806Y00C6NFarmer Joe 0806Y00C1NSleek vertical scrolling `extravaganza` in the vein of the 8 bit classics, 0801Nbut looks like something else completely. Link-up avalible so you can farm 0801Nyour friends pastures. Also includes genuine cow sound effect and optional 0801Nsheep pick-up-up-mode. Farmer Joe has been delayed, although it is finished 0801Nand we have been siting on it for ages! It needs a few 'tweaks' about the 0806Y53C4Nedges due to vast improovements in Amiga standards... write in if your 'man' 0801N'enough' to handle Joe.... 0801N 0806Y00C6NThe Execution 0806Y00C1NFishboy goes animation wild with this crazy, crazy slice of the lighter side 0811Y28S2Y40S0Nof life. If you don't like FULL SCREEN anims then don't get it, but you'll 0801Nmiss out on Fishboys aural medley. 0801N 0806Y00C6NInvasion of the Crabs 0806Y00C1NAnother Fishboy anim. This is in a similar vein to `The Execution` and if 0801Nyou liked that you'll like this animation too because it is. 0801N 0806Y00C6NZoo #2: Tuesday 0806Y00C1NThis much delayed release supports billions of features and it just is the 0801Nbest magazine system around (if you don't believe me than take the Panda 0801Nchallenge). Lots of articles on alsorts of stuff. Read it. 0801N 0806Y00C6NZoo #3: Sodden 0806Y00C1NThis wet styled (sodden, that is) edition of Panda's flagship (canoe) release 0801Nis similar in vein to issue 2, but with a different choice of articles and 0801Ndifferent music and pictures and colours. And me. Buy it today for nothing, 0801Nand sell it on for easy profit and ready readies... go! 0801N 0806Y00C6NManga Adventure Demo / Slideshow Combo 0806Y00C1NRelease cancelled when FishBoy's sidewagonete combination gas stove ran out 0801Nof chug and left us stranded in Newquay, some miles away from The Icing 0801NParty. This was a shame as Jude had packed a scanner a Melee had 3 blank 0811Y20C5Y35C1Ndisks an edition of 'Manga Monthly' ready for scanning. On the plus side 0801Nsquire forgot to render the spinning ox, oh so important and VITAL to the 0801Ncredibility of such a release. We have decided to subsequently cancel this 0811Y47S4Y61S0Nalthough we still have 2 of the 3 blank disks, so who knows. 0801N 0806Y00C6NMusic disk 0806Y00C1NThis is Fishboy's and he is well into it. Last week he recieved a new sample 0811Y42C7Y62C1Ndisk of wind chimes and um-pa-pa effects. Nice one Royal Mail. 0801N 0806Y00C6NThe Roswell Incident 0806Y00C1NIf you are a fan of the tense and the past tense and if you are one of those 0801Nwho read `The Wanderer' section of `The Zoo' and then stayed up all night 0801Nlong to spot the `Floating Wizard Man' then you'll probably dismiss Roswell 0801Nas ameteurish crap. Well think again coz it's back and this time in full 0801N(4) colour animation. It's big, it's bold, it has a griping plot line and is 0801Nentirely free-hand drawn in the style of the `shakey-old man- can't be-arsed' 0801Nstyle of the Peanuts Comic Strip, but without reference to George Washington 0801Nor Santa Barbara or `Spooky' Mulder. 0801N 0806Y00C6NThe Hugh Jarre Soul Band Show 0811Y00C1Y49C3NJude presents pictures galore, drawn without aid (thats 'AID' as opposed to 0816Y00C5Y03C3Y04C1NADE) other than a sturdy hand and a slightly soiled mouse, with minimal left/ 0801Nright movement and weak connections. Suprising this will be good because I 0801Nbelieve. Panda may choose to merge this release with FishBoy's music, to 0801Ncreate a giant Huge Jarre Soul release, perfectly marrying the mix of pix and 0811Y35C1Y38C7Nlicks (i.e. mods and odds and sods). THIS WAS NOT PROODUCED WITH ANY MED 0811Y11C2Y40C1NMUTATION. MED IN ALL IT'S FORMS IS SHIT, whatever anyone tells you about it 0801Nnot being shit and being good. It is shit. Not good. Bad. So-so to 0801Nmiddling. 0801N 0806Y00C6NRuins 0806Y00C4NDo you remember this: 0806Y00C1N'Remember good old `No Mans Land`, remember how you couldn't alter anything 0801Nand it kept crashing. Here is the all new '96 version and the good news is 0801Nit's really, really good. Alter absolutely anything. You don't like it you 0801Nsimply throw it away just like a used, rotten apple. Tony the Tiger says 0801N"It's Grrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!" Roar!' 0811Y00C3Y64C1NWe wrote that last bit a year ago and now everythings changed... full screen 0801Nscrolling (8 way, if you please) - that's tile scrolling as well... not hard- 0801Nware scrolling... that's Amos - 50 frames a second Amos... Professional. The 0801Nname is now Ruins, it is good, you want it. 0801N 0806Y00C6NThe Panda Movie Guide 0806Y00C1NIf you are a fan of films such as Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II: The 0801NSequel, or indeed other films written by Ernie Hudson and Annie Potts then 0801Nyou'll find much less is written about them in the guide than in this 0801Npromo... but something has been written and with more than 13 million films, 0801Nhand typed by one person ALONE in his bedroom, reviewed in painstaking detail 0801N(including full cast, director, rating, synopsis and font) this is no mean 0801Nfeat. This is a serious release, unlike the others and you should not scoff 0801Nabout it's starchy language and blatant factuality. 0801N 0806Y00C6NFishBoy's New Animation That We Just Cannot Remeber The Name Of... Oh yeah I 0811Y28C5Y41C6NJust Remembered It's Called 'Gas Chamber'... Gee That Was A Close One, You 0801NAlmost Caught Us Out There. But You Didn't. 0806Y00C1NLike the others, repetative, dull as shit and the work of a simpleton and 0816Y47C4Y53C1Y67C3Ncharlaton, probably still won't be accepted by 17 Bit (now owned by Quartz 0806Y02C1NPD, alias Jim MacPhermontingdale and his brother Faz. Their mother, Bernard 0801Ncopies all the disks with XCopy 1.3 and still gets time to rustle up a 0801Nsmashing Peanut Cracknal and Weak Orange drink for the boys tea). Actually 0801Nthis animation is uproarious. 0801N 0806Y00C6NBomber Man Clone 0806Y00C1NMelee and FishBoy blantantly plunder and rape FishBoy's Amiga Magazine 0801NMagazine collection... find a game... copy it... win 50 quid (perhaps)... 0821Y27S4Y49S0Y53S4Y69S0Nlaugh... spend money on new Cax Periphial devices and Rizzo biscuits. 0801N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C3N````` 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0806Y00C1NNo greetz today because there is a time and a place for everything and this 0801Nis neither the time nor the place for everything, that is, at least, anyway. 0801N 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00C6Y00J1NIn addition to previous reports: 0840Y00F11microknight08Y00C4Y00J0Y10C1Y67S4NNicky Butt has been removed from the disk box with white spirit and Right 0806Y05S0NGuard, plus small lighter. 0801N 0811Y28C2Y33C1NSo, keep an eye out for the Panda name and we'll be seeing you. 0801N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0806Y00C4N````` *!EOF Z[4_^]\[ CR Patriots.ZOO 0 avantg 14 0 1 0 1025 0 21 pearl 8 0 5 26211611 1 1025 0 *!EOM 36 1430Y00F06avantg14Y00J1Y00C1Y35S4NBRITAIN, ITS NOT AS BAD AS AMERICA BUT ITS CLOSE 2427Y00F08ganymede24Y00C3Y00S0NFish Boy 1213Y00F04ruby12N 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C5NPatriots, nothing wrong with being patriotic. Unless of course you are 0801NBritish in which case you our either pining for a long forgotten Britain 0801Nwhich has since been overun with Americanised shopping "malls" and crap 0801Nrecord stores, or just dumb. Allow me to explain: Britain, its a bit crap 0801Nreally isn't it? Whenever we get beaten by the Germans at football we all 0811Y07C7Y24C5Nshout ,"We won the war!", but we're still crap at football so that does'nt 0801Nmake much sense. Also: Cricket, it is a British sport. I rest my case. I mean 0801Nthink about this... Poland, not exactly the most prolific team in 0801Ninternational football, but they don't shout "NA NA NA NA NA! WE'RE NOT YOURS 0801NANYMORE!" every time they loose to Germany do they? ("Yes" - Citizen Fish) 0801N 0811Y48C4Y61C5NIf Britain is so bloody good explain to me this: Chris Evans. There, you 0801Ncan't, can you? 0801N 0801NInfact Britain has the NME which is a good excuse to just drop a huge fucking 0801Nnuclear bomb on us right now before we do anything else stupid... ARGHHH! ITS 0816Y22C2Y28C6Y34C5NTOO LATE! BRITPOP!... Kabooommmmmmmm... 0801N 0801NIf Britain was an animal it would be a long tailed tree pangolin. An animal 0801Nso completely shit that after millions of years of evolution from bacteria to 0801Ngastropod to fish to land animal all it has ever achieved is to look like a 0801Npine cone with legs (and a long tail). 0801N 0801NI think that Britain owes the rest of the world an apology for being so shit 0801Nand not noticing. So on behalf of the rest of Britain: "I am sorry, I am 0801Nsorry for invading you countries and slaughtering your people, I am sorry for 0801Nus thinking we owned the world. But most of all I am sincerly sorry from the 0801Nbottom of my aching heart, for Oasis." 0801N 0801NHowever America is the most patriotic country in the world and its fucking 0811Y07C4Y64C5Nawful! "Hey dude, want to go catch some Babes at the Burger Bar". Thats how 0801Nbad America is... *!EOF 0801N 0819Y00F05topaz08Y00C5N++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 0806Y00C4N````` *!EOF `ar뜢edcba C $ PipSide.ZOO 0 sharp 16 0 1 0 1058 0 22 sharp 8 0 6 0 1058 1 44 sharp 8 0 2 46409305 1 1058 1 *!EOM 53 1624Y00F05roman16Y00J1Y00C4NPip's All New Side 0919Y00F05prime09Y00C7NWritten and spelt by Pip E. 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C3N 0806Y04C2NIt isn't a good time for me as you can tell by my green sleeves. I ate a 0801Nbottle of cordial and now I'm feeling the side-effects up. The show must go 0801Non because: 0801N 0806Y00S4NTHe WOrld IS FLat ANd WE're ALl ROund 0801N 0811Y00S0Y27C6NToday a lighter than lighter (feel that lighter, chip it's lighter than 0801Npetroleum) look at the famous celibicies:...:- 0801N 0801N1ai(I) One of my bestest is Marvin Gaye - which you pronounce GAY, but he 0806Y15C3N isn't a quilty. 0801N 0801N1ai(II) If you do like a 'duvet' type then try Terry Wogan coz he'll go each 0801N way, but lose. 0801N 0806Y30C2N1ai(III) Pearce Bronson is the man with the goldfish gunk. 0801N 0811Y26C5Y58C6NI think that is that and so now the lady friends of mine, of which I have 0801Npicked up in the famous places... 0801N 2416Y00F07titania24NYEAH! 0814Y00F05sharp08N 0806Y18C4N1(primary)> Juliet Binoches has got a good sturdy grip. 0801N 0806Y41C5N1(secondary)> I like Anne Frank, but that is sicko. 0801N 0811Y07C3Y31C2N1(turtleary)> ? Mystery guest, say perhaps Phil Spector 0801N 1415Y00F06avantg14NWALL OF SOUND ALERT! WALL OF SOUND ALERT! 0814Y00F05sharp08N 0801NPut me in the glass house seargeant I'm playing up again. Once started 0806Y25C6Nthere's no stopping me. When you go you gotta go. I don't know what to say. 0801NShould I laff or should I cry. 0801N 0806Y34C4NBOO HOO... HA... HA... HEE-HAUGH. Ho. 0801N 0801NJimmy Tarbucked has a good stroke with his little putter, or so I'm let to 0811Y05C3Y50C2Nbelieve by the people who live like little ants in my brain cells. 0801N 0801NLet me out warden, I can't share a brain cell with the little people and only 0801None slopping out bucket. Well fuck you. Ow. 0801N 0806Y33C5NOwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0806Y51C4Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww w w w wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nw. 0801N 0806Y25C5NThe end is night, whoops I tripped off the page. *!EOF `` *!EOF fg&kjihg'Ca Poetry.ZOOl 0 taurus 16 0 1 00607021 1 3311 0 13 avantg 14 0 5 02809419 1 3311 1 26 avantg 14 0 5 42004920 1 3311 1 39 avantg 14 0 5 21608521 1 3311 1 *!EOM 47 1630Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00C2Y00C6NSTUPID METAPHOR FOR A WOMB 2415Y00F06taurus24NFishBoY/Panda 1415Y00F06avantg14N 1406Y00C5NEveryone sits two seats apart on the bus, 1401Nand they don't speak, 1401Nand they don't look at each other, 1401NWhich I don't mind and neither do they, 1401NSo they look out the window, 1401NAt the same buildings and the same fields, 1401NThat they see every day, 1401Nbackwards / forwards / backwards / forwards, 1401Nfive days a week, 1401N 1401NThe journey gives you time to think, 1401NAnd space to be, 1401NAnd a sense of who you are'nt, 1401NAnd it must be Tuesday, 1401NBecause here's the buisness woman who tries too hard with her makeup, 1401NI am a foetus and so is anybody else, 1401NThe bus is like a stupid metaphor for a womb, 1401NAnd the journey is a stupid metaphor for a pregnancy, 1401NAnd I will be concieved and born twice each a day, 1401NFor ever and ever amen, 1401N 1401NWhy don't you all just fucking sing? 1401N 1401NPOST MODERNIST MODERNIST ARSE SHITE: 1401N 1401NI hate all those poets who write about wanking, 1401NAnd think they're really clever, 1401N"Oh look at my incredibly witty observation", 1401N"I have a dick and it gives me something to do", 1401NI have a dick as well and so do many other people, 1401NIts nothing special, 1401Nabout 50% of us have dicks, 1401N 1401NI hate all those poetry appreciators, 1401NWho think I will like poems that talk about wanking, 1401NBecause they think I don't like other poems, 1401NBecause they're not about wanking, 1401NI hate most poems because they are self indulgent shite, 1401NLike this that I'm writing now, 1401NI'm not even thinking and I have a record on in the background, 1401NAnd its not even poetry, 1401NIts just a bunch of stupid sentances that don't fit, 1401NPost Modernist Modernist Arse Shite, *!EOF wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0806Y51C4Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww w w w wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nw. 0801N 0806Y25C5NThe end is night, whoops I tripped off the page. *!EOF `` *!EOF lm(srqponm CProjectpick.ZOO 0 prime 9 0 1 0 289 0 20 prime 8 0 1 0 289 0 44 prime 8 0 6 0 289 0 68 prime 8 0 1 20408206 1 289 0 *!EOM 72 0924Y00F05prime09Y00J1Y00C5NPanda Present the Projectionist's Pick 0814Y00F05topaz08N 0860Y00F11microknight08Y00C3Y04C4Y08C3Y11C4Y15C3Y19C4Y23C3Y27C4ND . A . T . A . B . A . S . E . 1513Y00F04ruby15N 1519Y00F05prime08Y00C5NThe ultimate film guide, courtesy of the Panda Crew: 1501N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00J0N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1NBack To The Future Part II 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C6N1989 0801N107m 0801NDirector: Robert Zemeckis 0801NCast: Harry Waters Jr; Michael J Fox; Christopher Lloyd; Thomas F Wilson 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C2N"Jacket... size adjusting... jacket fit." 0816Y00J1Y00J0Y00C1NAltogether a fucking excellent flick all the way through. You don't like it? 0801NYour a twat. 0811Y00C6Y00C4NPIP 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1NCape Fear 0814Y00F05prime08N 0811Y00J1Y00C2N"Neighbours heard screams and called us." 0811Y00J0Y00C1NIt's shit. De Niro * what * the * FUCK R U dooin diz film, (wo)man. 0806Y00C4NMELEE 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1NCarry On Abroad 0814Y00F05prime08N 0806Y00C6NDirector: Gerald Thomas 0801NCast: Peter Butterworth 0806Y00J1N 0806Y00C2N"Oooh! saucy!" 0811Y00J0Y00C1NThis book I read in a bookshop said it was good, but it's bad, real bad. Not 0801Neven Kenneth (Camp) Williams can save this from `falling over', so to speak, 0801Nin the mannerisms of the hotel in the film. Peter Butterworth is okay, I 0801Nguess, changing his clothes and all that poe-lava, but Sidneys a big no no 0801Nin this big no NO of a film. Where's Jacques - barely in it, that's where, 0801Neven the usual bouncing breast gags are a sagging let down (Windsor). 0806Y00C4NJUDE/MELEE 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1NThe Man With The Golden Gun 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C6N1974 0801NDirector: Guy Hamilton 0801NCast: Bernard Lee 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C2N"I could have shot you down when you arrived, but that would have been... 0801Ntoo easy, Mee-ster Bond." 0811Y00J0Y00C1NMoore in his second outting as 007 seems uneasy his spy-like role. This 0801Nshamefully dated light-weight entry is ill-paced and feeble in places. Even 0801Nusually sturdy Christopher Lee lacks his usual scarey display of menace as he 0801Nprances around his island in Thailand with a small dwarf (Nick-Nack). At 0801Nthis point the series looks in danger of losing direction, but what was 0801Naround the corner... 0806Y00C4NJUDE 0801N 0801N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1NThe Nutty Professor 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C6N1996 0801N 0801NCast: Eddie Murphy 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00C2N"Professor!" 0811Y00J0Y00C1NFat Eddie plays mutiple characters in this film that looks quite good from 0801Nclips we saw on a TV show. Murphy sits with his Mighty Morphin' Murphy Buds, 0801Nbrought to life with hi-tech high technology and a blue tea-towel-cum-cloth 0801Nas supplied by properties. Barry Norman said it was shit, but we can't judge 0801Nbecause unlike him we are not outspoken against feeble efforts and wish in 0801Nno-way-whatsoever to upset or dishearted Murphy in his hard work and 0801Nconspicuous-come-back. Hmmm. 0806Y00C4NJUDE/MELEE *!EOF 51C4Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww w w w wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww 0801Nw. 0801N 0806Y25C5NThe end is night, whoops I tripped off the page. *!EOF `` *!EOF tuvxwvuC Reactions.ZOO 0 ruby 15 0 1 0 1057 0 22 microknight 8 0 4 0 1057 0 *!EOM 38 1533Y00F04ruby15Y00J1Y00J0Y00J1Y00C2Nsimple reactions to a simple world 2422Y00F08ganymede24Y00C6NJUDE 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00J1N 0821Y00J0Y00C1Y22C5Y48C1NThe biggest con ever? Capitalism or religion... perhaps Capitalist Religion? 0801N 0801NA statement? Hair is a statement and it's the only one you can make 0811Y12C3Y30C1Nphysicaly - short of surgeory. 0801N 0801NThe world is flat and we're all round. What kind of hill is this place 0801Nanyhow? 0801N 0801NWhy be adverse to the grit and mud? I feel I should be, but perhaps if you 0801Nsort out the dirt for yourself then by at least managing to get dirty you've 0801Nachieved that thing. 0801N 0811Y00S4Y24S0NIs this a police state? If it was would I be hanging out of the window by 0811Y11C2Y53C1Nmy ankles? Or would I be locking myself in at night? 0801N 0801NCan you really get pleasure from rearranging things... so if cleaning things 0801Nup is a pleasure then the process of tidying is the journey and therefore the 0801Nquest is the quest. 0806Y00C1N 0811Y00C1Y61C4NStatements are occassionaly required to label a distinction. You can't go on 0811Y16C1Y18C5Nasking questions - can you? 0801N 0806Y00C1NDoes true genius come from being brought up outside the nuclear family, so if 0801Nwe just lived raw then perhaps we'd all make it. What is the limit in the 0801Nnumbers before we are all equal again? 0801N 0801NGuns don't shoot on their own but they sure as hell hurt. 0801N 0801NIs there a state of happiness or is it just an unforseeable, brief chemical 0801Nreaction? 0801N 0811Y00C5Y30C1NDo you have to serve somebody? There's no reason to so long as you don't 0801Nexclusively serve your own whims, but then again it is impossible not to do 0801Nevery single thing for your own peace of mind. *!EOF Cw Octamed.ZOOyzaB~}|{z/'CH Reading.ZOO 0 taurus 24 0 1 0 531 0 22 prime 8 0 1 0 786 0 47 prime 8 0 1 0 531 0 72 prime 8 0 1 0 786 0 97 prime 8 0 1 0 531 0 122 prime 8 0 1 0 786 0 147 prime 8 0 1 0 531 0 172 pearl 8 4 4 27211913 1 786 0 *!EOM 179 2420Y00F06taurus24Y00C2NReading 96 1620Y00F06taurus16Y00C6Nby Fish Boy 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00C3N 0811Y21C4Y22S4NIntroduction by Jude: This article was supposed to go in the last issue, but 0801Nwhen I came to examine the file I was shocked (!!!) and appalled (?) to find 0801Nit written in `Word for Windows Version 6' (so much for all that `I hate 0801Nwindows', Fish). Having never got round to finding a version of Word 6 I had 0801Nto literaly go through all the shit PC ASCII junk and leach the text out - 0801Nwhich should now appear roughly as it was intended, minus a few spelling 0801Nmistakes and a bloody annoying use of the apostrophe (incidently, the ASCII 0801Ncharacter for an apostrophe was totaly buggered - another pain). I actualy 0801Nspent longer checking for typos etc. in this article than most of my own and 0801Nit shows. The moral of this tale: whatever machine or program you use to 0801Ntype your article then make sure it's in ASCII. Anyway, moans aside this is 0801Nan amusing read and comes recommended. Take it away Fish Boy.... 0801N 0806Y00S0N 0819Y00F05prime08Y00C1NWhats that? Write an article about Reading 96 so that all those people who 0801Ndidn't go get to hear about what a great time we had while they were at home? 0801NThat is smug and vindictive and I will not... What? 22% full WITH clipart? Oh 0801Nwell... (By the way, to avoid copyright problems any magazines or 0801Ncontributors to the music press will have their names modified) 0801N 0811Y37C3Y44C1NThe day before the festival we go to Tescos to buy food. After 2 hours of 0801Nselection we realise we have gathered together 15 packets of raw pop tarts, 0801N17 bags of grated cheese, and some pringles. We sit in the corner of Tescos 0801Nand sob. After another 2 hours we reach the checkout, we load our wares into 0801Nbags and Melew hands over his Tesco ClubCard. 0801N 0811Y00C5Y15C1NCHECKOUT GIRL: Et la monnie? 0811Y00C3Y07C1NMELEW: Huh? 0811Y00C4Y19C1NFISHBOY, MR KEVIN: Were not going to have to repair the bloody roof again are 0801Nwe? 0801N 0801NWe arrived to find the camp site virtually empty and set up a safe distance 0801Nfrom the toilets. The toilets themselves consisted of plastic portaloos that 0801Nshared the same tank. Taking a piss was a case of pot luck whether the only 0801Nfree bog contained a 15 inch long turd wrapped (somewhat distrubingly) in a 0801Ncondom. Some toilets were equipped with luxury `Flushing sticks' which, upon 0801Nbeing pulled, gave a small trickle of brown water with the consistancy of a 0801Nhalf chewed wine gum. Nice. 0801N 0801NI could go on now for fifteen pages about Rage Against The Machine and The 0801NStone Roses and Ash. But I won't, because with the exception of The 0801NOffspring, Black Grape and The Prodigy (who I missed) the smaller bands were 0801Nthe best. So here are comments on a selection of those smaller bands. 0801N 0801NYes, who in their right mind would want to see Garbage when they could watch 0801Nthe Sneaker Pimps... Erm... Ah... 0801N 0801NSO! Rage Against The Machine! Brilliant eh? Blah, Blah, Blah... 0801N 0811Y00C2Y19C1NTHE SNEAKER PIMPS: On the sole recomendation that Melew recieved half of 0801Ntheir album through the post for no reason at all we saw them. They were 0801Nmighty. I applaud their multilayered influences and blend of Trip Hop with 0801NIndie guitar. 0806Y00C2N 0806Y13C1NTHE PIN-UPS: Hmm... Considering the highlight of their set was the soundcheck 0801Nguy playing `Come as You Are' on the bass guitar and that among their 0801Ncollection of songs were the seminal classics: `I want To Fuck The Queen 0801NMum?' and `Robbie Left Take That' It would be safe to say that although Punk 0801Nisn't dead it is lieing in hospital with a heart monitor and a drip. They 0801Nwere even worse then: 0801N 0811Y00C2Y05C1NPOSH: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Shitty indie guitar antics. Jo Whilley off of the 0801NEvening Session of Radio 1 likes them, so that should have been enougth to 0801Nmake us steer clear... But no... We had to watch didn't we. If you forced a 0801Nfour year old to drink 2000 cans of red bull energy drink and then made her 0801Nsing along to the theme tune of the Disney Classic: `The Little Mermaid' then 0801Nyou might get close to the full immersive `Posh' experiance. They were saved 0801Nfrom destruction at the hands of an enraged Mr Kevin by the fact that the 0801Nlead singer was wearing a Panda T-shirt. (We are everywhere... Do not resist 0801Nus...) 0801N 0811Y00C2Y09C1NSEAWEED: The only indication to Seaweeds musical prowess that any of us had 0801Nrecieved was `The Bicycle Song' which we heard on Beavis and Butthead. 0801NSteping up to the main stage and fearing a dull Pearl Jam esque vomit of 0801Nextreme bordom we were pleasantly surprised to find that they were good. Buy 0801Ntheir records, Obey me! To fully recreate the `Seaweed experiance' cover 0801Nyour bedroom carpet in mud, jump up and down a lot, and get a pissed NOFX fan 0801Nto throw beer all over you. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y11C1NCATATONIA: They were Catatonia, and Mr Kevin likes them. Me personally, I 0801Nwould rather wrap a cucumber in sandpaper and stuff it up my arse than listen 0801Nto them. File under: Better then Posh but a lot worse than Kenicke. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y08C1NJOCASTA: Mr Kevin thought they only had one good song, Melew was back in the 0801Ntent, I however thought they were the second best band of the festival. 0801NBecause I'm odd like that... The program said they were like Radiohead, which 0801Nthey weren't. Amusingly they had David Baddiel's illegitimate love child as 0801Na lead singer. To fully recreate the `Jocasta' live experience at home get a 0801Nscouser to stand behind you and recite all the lyrics and keep shouting 0801Nrequests despite the fact that he is probably the only person in the country 0801Nto own a Jocasta record and nobody really cares. Truly brilliant. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y20C1NTHE EVIL SUPERSTARS: Credit has to be given to any band that has a leadsinger 0801Nwho is the result of a twisted genetic experiment to cross Jarvis Cocker with 0801NHenry Rollins. Their most insightfull lyric was probably : `RAAA! RAAA! RA! 0801NRA! RA! RA! RAAAAAAAA!' although, `RA! RA! RA! RAAAAAAA! RA! RA! RA! 0801NRAAAAAA!' was almost as good. The strange thing is though, after about two 0801Nsongs you start to enjoy it almost as much as the band who just hurl 0801Nthemselves into each other, the amps and the drumkit and keep dropping their 0801Nguitars. Credit where credits due to the drummer with the 360 degree 0801Nshoulder length hair. Well worth watching if only for the spasm induced 0801Ndancing of the lead singer. To fully recreate the `Evil Superstars 0801NExperience' at home get someone to throw somebody fat at you for a while and 0811Y30C7Y48C1Nget another person to scream: `ROCK, YOU CUNTS!' every time the soundlevel 0801Ndrops below 2000 decibels. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y07C1NFEEDER: Opinion is divided on the worth of this band, Mr Kevin thought them 0801Nto be bland and average, recycling the same tune again and again and merely 0801Nspeeding it up or slowing it down when neccessary. Melew just replied: 0801N`Pardon? Speak up, I can't hear you?', for five hours afterwards. I liked 0801Nthem. Oh yes. To fully recreate the `Feeder' experiance (this is a joke 0801Nthat I will be using in every paragraph of every article I ever write for The 0801NZoo from now on) put your stereo in an airing cupboard and turn it up to full 0801Nblast till your ears bleed. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y18C1NSOCIAL DISTORTION: American Punk band in endorsed by the `enemy' shocker! I'm 0801Nnot sure how they got away with putting this lot in the `enemy' tent without 0801Na bunch of enraged journalists beating the shit out of them but they managed 0801Nit. Bog standard American Hardcore, (i.e. the bass player goes 0801N`Awaaawawawaw', and `oooh, ooh, weeaa, oooh' a lot). Decent enougth, but to 0801Nfully capture the spirit of Social Distortion in your own home you will need: 0811Y00C5Y02C1NA) One dancing girl (to be completely unaware just how many people are 0801Nstaring at her) to keep choking you with her hair. 0811Y00C5Y03C1NB) One wierd old bloke to tell you that it isn't loud enougth and that they 0801Nshould do a Johnny Cash cover version. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y06C1NREHAB: Perhaps`Hey, they must be good because they're called Rehab' isn't 0801Nthe best reason for wanting to see a band. Still, they weren't bad. Just 0801Ninstantly forgettable rather sadly. Although continuing the `wierd Jarvis 0801NCocker crossbreed' vein the lead singer was the product of a Kurt Cobain with 0801Npopular British songwriter genetic crossbreed experiment. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y15C1NRUSEI YATSURA: WAUGHHHHHHH! WAUGHHHHHH! WAUGHHHHH! Proving that bizaree lo-fi 0801NScottish punk bands can scream like pigs. Urusei Yatsura eh? Not much you 0801Ncan say about them really, except they scream disturbingly a lot and have 0801Nsongs called `Kewpies Like WaterMelon', and , `Plastic Ashtray'. Worth seeing 0801N(considering they probably only cost about 4p to see anyway, possibly 5p if 0801Ntheir supporting Bis). 0801N 0811Y00C2Y05C1NNUT: Wierd people with strange names from cold countrys. Can't beat em eh? 0801NBjork, Nut and... erm... Bjork... Not normal are two words you could use to 0801Ndescribe Nut, Decent, thats another one. Word you could use to describe Nut 0801Nthat is. Oh dear. This review isn't going too well is it? Anyway, this was 0801Nreally good, and infinetly preferable to crap like Dodgy that was on the main 0801Nstage at the time (as far as I can remember). 0801N 0811Y00C2Y09C1NLIONROCK: Never underestimate the bowell moving power of the bass guitar. 0801NLionrock appeared to have nailed their hilariously named lyricist MC Buzz B 0801Nto the stage because he never moved once throughout the whole affair. Still. 0801NThe bass player from hell played us all five notes that his guitar teacher 0801Nhad shown him last week, defiantly turning his amp up to the point where 0801Nthose festival goers with constipation found themselves suddenly (and 0801Ninconvieniently) relieved. Apart from that pretty good. Although you 0801Ncouldn't hear MC Buzz B properly. Lionrock eh? Worked better in the studio, 0801Nbut by no means bad. To fully recreate the `Lionrock experiance' at home 0801Nstick your head inside a huge bell that gives off penetrating ultrasound 0806Y45C3Nwaves of incredibly deep resonance and hit it till your lungs come out of 0806Y09C1Nyour arse. 0801N 0801NWe saw many more... But they were mainly bigger bands. Be sure to read the 0801Nrest of this festival section, (cause it takes up about 80% of the magazine 0801Nammusingly) simply because my section is a load of crap written about 0801Nirelevant bands that only I really care about. And everybody elses will be 0811Y50C5Y55C1Nbetter (hopefully, because if its worse you've got 80% of crap to delve 0801Nthrough). Goodbye pig spawn. 0801N 0806Y00J1N--- 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0816Y00C3Y10S4Y11C4NJude Adds: I thought this was a good article, not `crap', which is probably 0801N just as well, because Mr (shit for socks) Kevin and that `oh so 0801N reliable article writer Mellew (Melee, obviously) didn't bother 0801N to submit articles, making for a fairly pitiful Festival Special 0801N Edition. 0801N 0831Y00C3Y00S0Y17C4Y18S4Y55S2Y55C6NJude Adds, Again: Ha, ha just got Mr. Kevin's article. (Mind The Cheese) *!EOF   Quotes.ZOO Ve:C Records.ZOO 0 titania 24 0 1 0 530 0 20 roman 16 0 3 0 530 0 43 microknight 8 0 1 0 530 0 68 microknight 8 0 1 0 530 0 91 microknight 8 0 1 0 530 0 *!EOM 113 2421Y00F07titania24Y00C2NRECORDS I BOUGHT 2420Y00F06taurus24Y00C3NFishBoy 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0806Y00C1NAll of these albums are "fairly recent" (past ten years anyhow) and are all 0801Non CD, LP and those funny rolls of hole punched paper that go in those "Self 0801NPlaying" piano things. Incidently: Self Playing pianos: If anybody has found 0801Na stupider invention (other then the portable CD player) then, er... tell 0801Nus... even better: write an article. Not that we're desperate or anything... 0801N 0801NI've listed the prices and, if really obscure, where I got the album from. I 0801Nhaven't bothered with the tape prices coz I figure anybody buying albums on 0801Ncassette is probably not the kind of person who'd get much out of hearing 0801Nthis stuff. 0801N 0811Y00C5Y08C1NOh yeah: You may notice all the records get good reviews. Thats because not 0801Nbeing a music journalist I have to buy the records to review them. And not 0811Y32S4Y64S0Nbecuase I'm aiming for a job in "Essential Playstation Magazine". And if I 0801Nbought ones I didn't like then that'd be really dumb and everything. 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NDESCENDANTS: EVERYTHING SUCKS: 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0811Y00C2Y10C1NHow Much?: Cost me about 9 quid on LP, I've seen it on CD for 13. 0801N 0801NIts a new Descendants record. It sounds like the last Descendants record. 0801NEr... Its quite good though and has a song on it called Coffee Mug which is 0801Nabout Coffee and is great. Er... But it also has a song on it called Eunuch 0801NBoy which goes: 0801N 0811Y00S4Y00J1N"Eunuch Boy, Eunuch Boy, 0801NThought a lawnmower was another toy", 0811Y00S0Y00J0N 0801Nand is'nt great. I can't actually think of a single reason why you should buy 0801Nthis record other then if you like the Descendants then you'll like this. But 0801Nthats like saying if you like clean pants then you'll go to the toilet when 0801Nyou "Feel A Bit Loose". 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NCHEMICAL BROTHERS: DIG YOUR OWN HOLE: 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0811Y00C2Y11C1NHow much?: Double LP so 13-14 quid for vinyl, still about 13 quid on CD 0801Nthough. If you get the LP version like I did then all the shit songs are on 0801Nside A of record 2 so you can just skip them in one go by not playing that 0801Nside. Which is nice. 0801N 0801NSince this has been released everybody in the music press has started 0801Nslagging of Exit Planet Dust as being: "Patchy" and "Innovative but hardly 0801Ngripping". Ignore them, Dig Your Own Hole just feels like a dodgy sequel to 0801NExit Planet Dust (which is great). Sort of like: Alien 3 was to Alien and 0801NAliens. As if you'd sit and watch the third film and you'd sort of enjoy it 0801Nbut you'd be thinking, why isn't it as good as the other two? 0801N 0801NYou see the packaging and the record sleeve and everything is the same as 0801NExit Planet Dust. And the way the tracks are laid out is the same as Exit 0801NPlanet Dust. But halfway through Dig Your Own Hole things go horribly fucky 0801Nwhat with a lame four four beat and some cut up vocal samples going on for 0801Nfar to long leaving you thinking: When does the tune start? and some sad 0801Nattempts at straight techno, which they just can't do. Things pick up again 0801Nwith "Lost In The K-Hole" which is just a bass guitar and a breakbeat, and 0801Nthe final song is kind of (although I hate to use this word and expect to be 0801Npunished for using it) "trippy". But theres not the feeling of "What the fuck 0801NIS THIS?" that you get from listening to Exit Planet Dust. 0801N 0801NIf you forget that this is by the Chemical Brothers then its really smart. 0801NSounds like DJ Shadow being remixed by, er, the Chemical Brothers I guess... 0801NAnd the future? Lets put it like this: Alien 4: Ressurection looks like being 0801Na sack of shit. 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NKILL ROCK STARS: ROCK STARS KILL: 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0821Y00C2Y10C1Y53C4Y66C1NHow Much?: Cost me 3 quid on CD from top indie store "Omega Music". Its on 0801Nkill rock stars so there must be an LP version somewhere. Don't know how much 0801Nit costs though... 0801N 0801NKILL ROCK STARS is one of those really cool American Indie labels that signs 0801Nall the bands that nobody else wants. This admittedly sounds like a shit 0801Nidea, but its not. This compilation LP is the usual bunch of wierd 0801Ninstrumentals, dodgy punk bands and "Pavement sampled to 400Hz using an Atari 0801NSTFM and a stereo master cartridge" style lo-fi but so horrifically spammed 0801Nthat it sounds like the saviour of pop music itself. 0801N 0801NYou have to buy it, and then you have to buy the records that the bands on it 0801Nrelease. Because if you don't then labels like Kill Rock Stars will die, and 0801Nthen nobody would sign bands like God Is My Co-Pilot and the world and the 0801NJohn Peel show would both be sadder places. 0801N 0801N 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C3NDFL: MY CRAZY LIFE: 0820Y00F11microknight08N 0811Y00C2Y11C1NHow much?: Another "Omega Music" clearance sale offer, 3 quid on CD. Someone 0801NI know claims to have seen the LP for 2.50 at a record fair which is fair 0801Nenough. 0801N 0801NHardcore is great. Because if you like hardcore then you can get shit loads 0801Nof records dead cheap out of record store bargin bins. Hardcore also sucks 0801Nslightly, because loads of bands become famous and then go shit. Like the 0801NOffspring or Pennywise. 0801N 0801NI can't see why hardcore bands can't go famous and then not go shit. Surely 0801Nit wouldn't be too hard would it? Anyway, this record has fifteen songs on it 0801Nand is just over 20 minutes long. It sounds like it was recorded in a shed 0801Nand the band is on the same label as Bis. Sample lyric: 0801N 0811Y00J1Y00S4NEVERY NIGHT WE ORDER FUCKING PIZZA, 0801NPIZZA MAN, PIZZA MAN, PIZZA DELIVERY MAN, 0801NWE LOVE YOU! 0811Y00J0Y00S0N 0801NIts also got one of those dodgy "Tension reliever" Key rings on it that make 0801Ngrenade, machine gun, death ray and rifle noises. Which opens up the 0801Npossibility of Lo-fi Hardcore, which is such a cool idea. The idea of 0801NPavement doing a Black Flag tribute album is such a smart one... *!EOF  Disclaimer.ZOO7 vuCJ Shopshlf.ZOO 0 avantg 14 0 1 0 4063 0 24 microknight 8 0 4 0 4063 0 49 microknight 8 0 4 0 4063 0 *!EOM 65 1430Y00F06avantg14Y00C4Y00C2Y00S2NAN IRREVERENT SIDEWAYS GLANCE AT THE SHOP SHELVES 0924Y00F05prime09Y00C6Y00S0NFishBoy of Panda 0816Y00F07pcclone08N 0806Y00C4NYes, a brief but informative look at all the excellent (huh?) new (huh!?) 0801Nsoftware you could be buying for your Amiga from your local "Electronics 0801NBoutique". Of course you could always aquire them by other means. Er... Like 0801Nborrowing them off your mates, of course. 0801N 0830Y00F11microknight08Y00C6Y30C2NSUPER STREET FIGHTER 2 TURBO: This is crap. Not only does it run slowly on an 0801N060 with 64meg ram and an FPU but somewhere along the way, erm... is this the 0801Nsame game? Blanka runs up to his opponents and appears to shag them to death. 0801NChun-Li's throw move looks like a mother laying her new born child down to 0801Nsleep. I really don't have a good enough grasp of the English language to 0801Nfully explain how shit this is. I instead will include a quote from an 0801Nomnbius of H.P. Lovecraft horror storys that a mate of mine took from the 0801Nschool library aged 12 and still hasn't returned: "I cannot, and will not, 0801Nfully describe the horrific nameless terror that awaited me in the depths of 0801Nthat archean vault". I have no idea what an archean vault is but I think 0816Y38C2Y38C6Y52C4Nyou'll agree it sounds pretty shitty. AVERAGE PRICE: 5-10 0801N 0811Y00C6Y19C2NTWO WORLDS AT WAR: I don't know what this is. It claims to be an exciting 0801Nmilitary space combat game but the screen shots show a nice little graph and 0801Nan entirely white screen with the words "War in Progress" in the middle. 0811Y00C6Y14C4NAVERAGE PRICE: 3-5 0801N 0811Y00C6Y16C2NTURNING POINTS: "CU Amiga Screen Star 1987" It says. "An exciting 3D battle 0801Ngame set in napoleanoic times" it also says. Hmm... The screen shots show 0806Y67C6Nlots of blue squares and lots of red squares on a big green square. AVERAGE 0806Y06C4NPRICE: 3-5 0801N 0811Y00C6Y24C2NSPERIS LEGACY / LEGENDS: Two Zelda clones which look like Fun School 0811Y22C6Y36C4Nproducts. DO NOT BUY: AVERAGE PRICE: 5-10. 0801N 0816Y00C6Y31C2Y63C6NSENSIBLE WORLD OF SOCCER 96/97: Is the best football game ever. AVERAGE 0811Y06C4Y16C2NPRICE: 15-20. (hmm...price / quality comparison eh kids?) 0801N 0811Y00C6Y29C2NSUPER SKIDMARKS + ADDON PACK: Is an amusing yet flawed racing game effort. 0811Y19C6Y34C4NAnd its quite good. AVERAGE PRICE: 10-15. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y48C2NPACIFIC ISLANDS / TEAM YANKEE / WAR IN THE GULF: You have to admire the sheer 0801Nfuckfaced stupidity of a games publisher who signed a coding group only to 0801Nhave them release the same game 3 times with a slightly different colour 0811Y08C6Y23C4Npalette. AVERAGE PRICE: 3-5. 0801N 0821Y00C6Y15C2Y23C6Y38C4NDESERT STRIKE: Is good. AVERAGE PRICE: 3-5. 0801N 0821Y00C6Y14C2Y23C6Y39C4NJUNGLE STRIKE: Is shit. AVERAGE PRICE: 3-5. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y07C2NDUNE 2: Is actually quite good until your realise its faster on a Nimbus 186 0811Y23C6Y38C4Nthen on your 030 amiga. AVERAGE PRICE: 5-10. 0801N 0821Y00C6Y11C2Y24C6Y40C4NSPACE HULK: Is terrible. AVERAGE PRICE: 3-5. 0801N 0821Y00C6Y31C2Y52C6Y67C4NANY GAME IN A REALLY SMALL BOX: These are all great. AVERAGE PRICE: 3-5. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y12C2NDAWN PATROL: Hmm... Two polygons, one blue and one green, spinning around 0801Nextremly fast while you work out what the fuck is going on. Wank really. 0811Y00C6Y14C4NAVERAGE PRICE: 7-15. 0801N 0811Y00C6Y11C2NTHEME PARK: Do.... not.... buy..... this..... piece..... of.... donkey...... 0811Y11C6Y26C4Nfilth...... AVERAGE PRICE: 500-10000 0801N 0811Y00C6Y04C2NTFX: This isn't really in the shops. But just for the sake of all the people 0811Y25C5Y44C2Nwho have never played it: ITS COMPLETE SHIT. Thank you. *!EOF such a smart one... *!EOF  Disclaimer.ZOO7 )ZiAC$ StarTrek.ZOO 0 roman 16 0 1 0 272 0 21 xfont 8 0 1 0 272 0 46 xfont 8 0 1 0 272 0 *!EOM 69 1624Y00F05roman16Y00J1Y00C2NSTAR TREK IS SHIT: HERE IS THE PROOF 3219Y00F05basic32Y00C3NFishBoy/panda 0824Y00F05xfont08Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NA lot of people have written in about me slagging off Start Trek in issue 2 0801Nof Zoo. They say: "I bet you've never even seen it! I bet you're just trying 0811Y25C4Y54C1Nto look big and clever!". Well I have seen Star Trek, I used to watch it when 0801NI was 9. Yes 9. Here is my appraisal of Star Trek, read it and change your 0801Nincredibly sad ways: 0801N 0811Y00C6Y67C1NSTAR TREK only has four plots which they repeat over and over again: 0801N 0801N 0816Y00C4Y07C1Y52C6NPLOT 1: "MY GOD JIM! ITS A REPLICA OF 1960's EARTH": The crew find an exact 0801Nreplica of a 60's diner or something on an otherwise deserted planet and then 0801Nget trapped in it. These episodes always have a ridiculous conclusion. E.g.: 0801N 0811Y00C5Y06C1NBONES: So, all they knew of our society was this incredibly shit 40's 0801Ndetective novel and a photo of a hotel, and they built this. Amazing... 0811Y00C3Y05C1NKIRK: Hmm... We should be glad they didn't find a copy of Bilingual by the 0801NPet Shop Boys... 0801N 0801N 0816Y00C4Y08C1Y47C6NPLOT 2: "MY GOD JIM! ITS A GIANT SPACE AMOEBA": The crew find a giant piece 0801Nof breathing shit in space. Whoopy Fucking Doo. 0801N 0801N 0816Y00C4Y07C1Y53C6NPLOT 3: "MY GOD JIM! ITS A WIERDO DIMENSIONAL RIFT": The crew get caught in a 0801N"reality" bubble. This plot makes up almost 95% of Star Trek The Next 0801NGeneration. The ship is usually trapped by Picard farting too near a 0801N"Dilithium Crystal" or something and is usually solved by that really 0801Nirritating 13 year old scientist linking Data's genitals to a Quantum Phase 0801NManipulator creating an ultra speed Tacheon Pulse. 0801N 0801N 0816Y00C4Y07C1Y58C6NPLOT 4: "MY GOD JIM! ITS A LITTLE COLOURED BALL OF LIGHT": True appreciators 0801Nof just how bad Star Trek is know this plot to be by far the best. This 0801Nwonderful masterpiece of Sci Fi consists of a small coloured ball of light 0801Nfloating into the enterprise where it posseses Chekov. It could posseses 0801Nanybody but it always posseses Chekov because he is Russian. Chekov then 0801Nwanders around leaning against walls and sweating alot but nobody notices. He 0801Nthen wanders into the engine room and starts pounding the engine with his 0801Nfists until Captain Kirk finds him. Chekov then bellows "You killed my 0801Nbrother!" (I think...) and attacks him. 0801N 0801N 0806Y00C1NSTAR TREK was legendary for the fact that despite the Starship Enterprise 0801Nhaving a crew of 500 people you only ever saw eight of them. Whenever a new 0811Y61C4Y65C6Nmember of the crew was introduced to us they turned out to be a) traitors or 0811Y00C4Y03C6Nb) innocent. Either way didn't matter because Captain Kirk would try to get 0801Noff with them and then they would get shot. 0801N 0806Y00C1NAll the alien races in Star Trek looked like humans with really greasy hair 0826Y14C4Y18C5Y18C6Y33C4Y35C6Nand had either A) Pointy ears or B) Really really dark sun tans. They all 0801Nspoke English and Captain Kirk tried to get off with all of them. 0801N 0806Y00C1NOver the years the creators of Star Trek have added more alien races, each 0801Nhaving a face covered with a slightly different pattern of shit. They have 0801Nadded more special effects, which only serves to take away comedy value (and 0801Nlets face it, there isn't much else). But it is still shit. I wish it was 0801Notherwise, I wish it was a great tour-de-force of modern TV, but it isn't. So 0801Nthere. 0801N 0811Y00S1Y00C5NAlso Star Trek. Doesn't the name sound like a really crap breakfast cereal? 0806Y00S0N 0806Y00C1NI have been informed that if you so wish, it is possible to watch 16 hours of 0801NStar Trek a week. And some people do, sat hunched in their darkened room, 0801Ndrooling over councellor Troy's tits like vegetables. Its life Jim, but not 0801Nas we know it... *!EOF YXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA@3C &PandaNews3.ZOOG| KCTata.ZOO 0 taurus 16 0 1 0 561 0 22 xfont 8 0 1 0 561 0 *!EOM 46 1625Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00C3NTa ta 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C5NJude/panda 0814Y00F05topaz08N 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C4NThe End. 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00J0N 0806Y00C1NOnly a short issue this time I'm afraid. Not because we're desperately short 0801Non material (although we kinda are so help us out by writing stuff) but 0801Nmainly due to the need to get an issue out quick and hopefully up the profile 0811Y06C2Y10C1Nof the Zoo. 0801N 0801NThis issue is the first I edited alone. This will, hopefully be a one off. 0811Y00C5Y25C1NThis WILL be a one off. The reason was that Melee had exams and was 0811Y23S4Y33S0Notherwise dispossed... exposed? Things should be back to some degree of safe 0801Ninsanity for issue four. 0801N 0801NWe were rushed a bit on a few things and it shows. For all those who are 0801Nbothered, the fat guy (with the slap) should be back next time when I get my 0801Neyes sorted. 0801N 0811Y65C3Y71C1NHopefully we'll get a recode. Melee's working on it as priority yellow. 0801N 0801NFishBoy has done a sterling job this issue and it's nice to see another name 0801Ndominating the aricle selection screen as much as mine has in the past. 0811Y28S2Y51S0NReally this is a disgrace... a sickening disgrace. More names are needed. 0801NYes, Mr. Kevin I mean you. 0801N 0801NSorry about the clipart. It was supposed to be humourous once. Now it looks 0811Y20C7Y25C1Nlike a collection of sick fetishs. This will be dealt with. 0801N 0811Y38C5Y61C1NHighlights for me this issue included The Hamburgaler article. This was 0801Ntops! I also appreciated others, but they've gone right now, like the 0801Npassing of a dear old person. 0801N 0811Y00C2Y33C1NNext issue I promise you a treat: Myself and Melee dramaticaly retell the 0801Nbible whilst barely taking the piss. Will you piss yourself in anticipation? 0801NYou may well validate your scart plug if you miss-aim. 0801N 0811Y00C3Y00S4NHave a great week. 0806Y20C4N Your friend, 0806Y31C5N good-ol` chum, 0806Y43C6N fought in the war you know, 0801N 0929Y00F05prime09Y00J1Y00C1Y00S0NJude. 0824Y00F05topaz08Y00J0Y00S0N 0825Y00F11microknight08Y00C4N[redo from start] *!EOF C $ PipSide.ZOO3>CN Verse.ZOO 0 ruby 15 0 1 0 1536 0 15 ruby 12 0 1 0 1553 0 30 ruby 12 0 1 0 1570 0 *!EOM 42 1528Y00F04ruby15Y00C1Y01C3Y03C1NShort Verse 1511Y04C3Y05C1Nfor the 1511Y04C3Y06C1NPopulous 1501N 0834Y00F05sharp08Y03C5Y07C1Y08C4Y13C1NBy Jude/Panda for a few close friends, but also for the enjoyment of the 0801Nwhole. 0801N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C2NDownsizing 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1N 1201NFight the machines that are coming for you, 1201NThey'll blow your tiny mind, 1201NOne day you'll see what they can do, 1201NAnd you'll be left behind, 1201NSmash up your Amiga for ornamental purposes. 1201N 1201N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C2NKooky 1218Y00F04ruby12Y00C1N 1201NAnarchy is great, 1201NSo rip up your clothes, why wait, 1201NDon't listen to this, 1201NOr listen to this, 1201NIf you want. 1201N 1201N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C2NPlay With 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1206Y00C1NSome people say it's wrong to be queer, 1201NBut gay is not something to fear, 1201NIt's like playing a Fender, 1201NWhen your on a bender, 1201NTouch up your brothers - be freer. 1201N 1201N 1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C2NXenophobiliacacisilist 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1206Y00C1NAmerica is just a great big thing out there, 1201NThere's no real threat from her, really, 1201NI promise you there isn't, 1201NBut if you don't believe me look and see, 1201NNo matter what they say their land ain't free. *!EOF C $ PipSide.ZOO 㳖C VisitorV2.ZOO 0 topaz 8 0 1 00807104 1 36 0 21 sharp 8 0 4 0 36 0 46 sharp 8 0 4 0 36 0 *!EOM 69 0806Y00C1NThis article originally appeared in issue 1 of The Zoo. As few people ever 0801Ngot a copy and the layout of some of the articles (including this one) left 0801Na little to be desired I have decided to redo a few of the better articles. 0801NAside from the removal of the annoying constant flashing words in the 0801Noriginal version you will notice I have taken the opportunity to spell check 0801N(yes! a spell checker has actually gone near a copy of The Zoo) and retype 0801Npieces of the text, whilst, naturally remaining completely true to the 0801Nintentions of the original classic masterpiece. Ahem. 0801N 2426Y00F07bookman24Y00C4Y00J1NVisitor From Space? 1619Y00F05roman16Y00C5NTake 2 1601N 0819Y00F05sharp08Y00C6NBy Jude 0806Y00J0N 0801N 0811Y00C5Y10C1NSubject: Alleged White (when rarely clean), male (ha ha), COCKasian 0831Y00C5Y14C1Y18C5Y27C1Y31C5Y39C1NAge: Actual: 19, physical: 4, Sexual: - 67 0811Y00C5Y09C1NAddress: Half way across the universe and turn left 0811Y00C5Y08C1NStats: Skinny, puny, worthless 0801N 0806Y00C4NStrange happenings over the skies of northern Britain point towards possible 0801Nextraterritorial life forms visiting us. Further sightings and mysterious 0801Noccurrences point towards only one conclusion - we have been invaded by a 0801Ndirty, morphing alien life form, able to disguise itself in human form. 0801N 0801NA series of sexual mutilations to horses, seem like an every day occurrence, 0801Nbut if one was to take the 4 locations these sick incidents took place and 0801Ndraw linking lines on a map to form a cross, an exact location could be 0801Nreached in a well-known area with dense population. This location cannot be 0801Ndirectly disclosed for reasons of national security. National security... or 0801Nmere coincidence? 0801N 0801NI have known the subject for about 10 years. I`ve even visited his home. It 0801Nwas a strange experience and he taught me a few things, I can tell you, like 0801Nhow to have a complete lack of personal hygiene. He (if indeed I can use 0801Nthat term) possess a potent fermenting smell and an extremely shit infested 0801Nface. His family are also not as we might expect. He has 2 fathers (a fat, 0801Nbald bloke and a chubby, chinless one). Even more strangely his sister is 0801Nmentally challenged unable to comprehend the ideas of family, the difference 0801Nbetween he and she and how not to be a fucking dick. 0801N 0801NNeighbours report that when nobody else is believed to be around on the 0801Nstreet the `family' walk naked around the house wearing what look like 0801N`bum-bags', but with mysterious antenna poking out. Whether these stories 0801Nare true or not is unclear but my friends, who have had the unfortunate luck 0801Nto sit next to our subject on a bus have complained about the police radio 0801Nband emitting from his stained tracksuit bottoms. 0801N 0801NFurther more the young life form often mutters to himself of far off 0801Ngalaxies, the possibilities of time travel and alleged kinky sex orgies with 0801Na top celebrity from the hit series `Saturday Night Live`. The celebrity was 0801Nquestioned about this by the tabloid press, but by law was unable to comment, 0801Ndue to FBI gagging. We do, however believe this was mere fantasy on the part 0801Nof our subject. 0801N 0801NLeaked documents seem to confirm `he' emanates from a far off world. His 0801Nstrange eating habits seem misplaced here and when he begins to suck (rather 0801Nthan chew at, or even nibble) a large bratwurst people move away and nobody 0801Nenjoys watching his digestive system melt the food down - a view that is 0801Nunbelievably visible from his large, shit covered mouth. 0801N 0801NThe family have had envelopes cunningly packed with human shit posted through 0801Ntheir letter box and insurance companies have refused to insure them for 0801Nunclear reasons. 0801N 0801NIs the subject human or some higher intelligence (although he does a good job 0801Nof pretending to be a goofy thick shit), we don`t know. The truth will out 0801Nin time - of that we can be sure. *!EOF srqponm CProjectpick.ZOOwC WhatsBeen.ZOO 0 ruby 15 0 1 42802703 1 35 0 17 pearl 8 0 3 0 35 0 41 pearl 8 0 1 0 35 0 65 pearl 8 0 4 0 35 0 88 pearl 8 0 3 23210312 1 35 0 *!EOM 102 1523Y00F04ruby15Y00J1Y00C5NWhat's Been Happening To Us 3224Y00F05basic32Y00C3Y00S4NJude/Panda 3206Y00S0N 1223Y00F04ruby12Y00J1Y00C6NMelee 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C3N 0801NMelee has had a new carpet installed in his bedroom. 0806Y00C1N"I wanted wall to wall, so it would be nicely padded in case I colided with 0806Y04C3Nit." Come now Melee, is that the only reason? 0806Y00C1N"Damn, you got me! Okay I admit I was pining for the safe enclosed area I 0806Y30C3Nhad when I was in the asylum." He wipes the dribble from his chin, with his 0801Nright sock. 0811Y00C1Y64C3N"This bloody straight jacket. I can't itch myself or anything." Anything? 0811Y00C1Y51C3N"I can touch my toes with my nose. Wanta go see?" No. Is that all you've 0801Nbeen doing this issue then? 0806Y00C1N"A man came last monday and took a stick to me, but I soon saw him off. I 0806Y60C3Ngave his fists a good punching with my face, I can tell you. He indicates 0801Nthe deformity that he has sustained. Nasty. Melee picks himself up using 0801Nan ingenious pulley system wired to the ceiling. 0806Y00C1N"It's quite amazing, based on the dogems you know. Sometimes I get a small 0806Y56C3Nprick... from the electric shock. Oooo!, there's one." Melee's equipment 0801Ngoes haywire and he is thrown out of the window with the force. 0811Y00C1Y24C3N"It's always doing that", he calls from the skip outside. Don't worry, 0801Nthey'll come and pick me up in an hour or two. He grins. He smirks. He 0801Ntries to dance, but he is still constrained. What a poor wreck this boy has 0801Nbecome. 0806Y00C1N"I can fly... no really... no please... look at me mother... look. Please. 0801NWhy did father never visit. Why did you used to chain me to a lampost 0801Noutside the shops. Why didn't I get food and water like the other kids. 0801NWhy." 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1211Y00C6Y00J1NJude 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0806Y00C5NJude was very badly burnt this month when his drama societies reinactment of 0801NThe Joan of Arc Story went tragicaly wrong. Which part were you playing, eh 0801N(hey!) Jude? 0806Y00C1N"The part I was alocated in this production of the classic fable was that of 0806Y50C5Nthe second oarsman. Not a large part admitadly." Well as the girls often 0801Nsay after playing checkers with Pip, `it's not the size that counts'. How 0801Nmany lines did you have? 0811Y00C1Y27C5N"Well techinacly 2 lines." Technically? 0806Y00C1N"Well I'm actualy second oarsman understudy. So no actual lines in the 0801Nphysical - spoken kinda sense, but I am in the crowd scene right at the end 0801Nof the whole production when Joan is dead and we all sing that classic Duran 0811Y25C5Y62C1NDuran number, you know... [he sings... in quite a poor manner] Dance... er.. 0806Y44C5Nd-dance into theee fire..ire..re... Rrrr-r." So how did this burning occur? 0806Y00C1N"Well there I am, and I tell you, you are not going to believe it... there I 0801Nam just sitting there with a couple of members of the crew... hey this is 0801Njust crazy... we're playing this, you know MAAaaaD game... right?, insane. 0801NHa-ha. It's my turn to see if I can survive being covered in petroleum jelly 0801Nand then set light to... whoops! Doh! What d' ya know? You wouldn't 0801Nbelieve it first degree burns - I'm on this life support machine, all wired 0806Y53C5Nup for the off. Anyroad I pulls thru and here I am." Did they discover how 0801Nthis incident occured? 0806Y00C1N"Well the police said they found a footprint in a soiled pair of pants, but I 0806Y39C5Ndon't expect them to sniff much out." Of the pants? 0806Y00C1N"No." 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1211Y00C6Y00J1NFish boy 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0806Y00C4NI hear you've been having plastic surgery this month, Fishy, anything major 0801Nstuck on or taken off. 0811Y00C1Y69C4N"No just routine I've not become a woman or some such malarchy, yet." What 0801Nexactly did you have altered? 0806Y00C1N"My kidneys. I've just never felt very happy with their size and general 0801Nplacement in the relation to the rest of my body, so out comes the surgeons 0806Y42C4Nchopper and he sticks it right in to me." Didn't you have an anisthetic? 0806Y00C1N"What ya sayin'? You sayin' I can't take it? No I just grit my teeth and 0806Y40C4Ntook the doctors tool straight up me." Very nice, it sounds like a similar 0801Nthing I had done to me by a young boy in Morocco? 0806Y00C1N"Well similar, except I was having my kidneys adjusted and you... you were 0806Y53C4Nprobably being fucked by an underaged Moroccan kid." Fuck off. Any 0801Nafter-effects to your surgery? 0811Y00C1Y36C4N"Well, no not crabs like you got." You bitch, I'll scratch your eyes out for 0801Nthat [I slap that slag, Fish boy across his face and he responds by pinching 0801Nme and biting and spitting] Stop that or I'll pull your hair, young lady. 0811Y00C1Y10C4N"Shan't." [He doesn't - he wins] I'm off to cry now, meanwhile Fishboy 0801Nparades up and down the corridor flapping his kidneys about, in an attempt to 0801Ncatch the eyes of the young ladies. I hope he chokes on them. 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1211Y00C6Y00J1NUncle Jack 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0811Y00C2Y00J0NJack contracted cancer and died last thursday. It isn't funny and we were 0801Nvery upset. 1213Y00F04ruby12N 1211Y00C6Y00J1NPip 0819Y00F05pearl08Y00J0N 0806Y00C3NLadies' man Pip is looking very stylish this month, decked out in crushed 0801Nvelvet gloves and matching cuff-links. Does he feel that he, himself may 0801Ndetract the good image radiating from these stylish items? 0811Y00C1Y26C3N"I don't really care now." Why not? 0811Y00C1Y10C3N"Shut up." [`SLAP!'] Ow! Pip, how do you manage to woo the woman with an 0801Narse that barely resemble a human face? 0811Y00C1Y45C3N"Leave me alone. What do you mean, by that?" Well all I'm doing is 0801Nsuggesting that you are less a person in your own right, more a foul rectum 0801Non legs emitting contaminated runny shit and unpleasant smells and vibes 0801Nthrough your anal passage like mouth. You cheeks are comparible to an old 0801Nman's flabby buttocks and your hair is like dandruff ridden, scabby bum 0801Nfluff. 0811Y00C1Y35C3N"I can't do anything with my hair." Rubbish, you could use it's contents to 0801Nmanafacture those little, sealed snow storm things, that show scenic views of 0801Nlocal rural black spots. *!EOF :' Polly.ZOO w C  WhnYoung.ZOO 0 microknight 8 0 1 0 564 0 23 xfont 8 4 6 0 564 0 *!EOM 45 0840Y00F11microknight08Y00J1Y00C5Y00J1Y00S4NTHINGS I SAID / THOUGHT WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG 2430Y00F06taurus24Y00C1Y00S4Y00S0NFishBoy/panda 0819Y00F05xfont08Y00J0N 0824Y00F05xfont08Y00C2Y00S4NEven as young as four I remember embarrasing myself in incredibly strange 0801Nways. These are some of those bizarre deeds that will haunt me forever: 0801N 0811Y00C1Y03C3N1) Whenever it hailed at school we all said to each other: "In Scotland you 0801N get hailstones the size of pigs". Why pigs? I guess I'll never know but it 0801N was always pigs. - Incidently I mentioned this to someone the other day 0801N and they nodded sagely and said "Yes you do", I would just like to point 0801N out: DO YOU FUCK GET HAILSTONES THE SIZE OF PIGS IN SCOTLAND 0801N 0811Y00C1Y02C4N2) I used to think that the little arrows that flashed up on my Dad's car 0801N dashboard whenever the indicators were on where to tell you which way to 0801N go (cause we always turned in the direction they flashed...). 0801N 0811Y00C1Y02C5N3) I once got rolled down a big slope in a red plastic barrel when I was 4. 0801N 0811Y00C1Y02C6N4) For the first three weeks of school I thought a register was a type of 0801N vegetable. Like a carrot. The reason for this was because our teacher, on 0801N the first day, said: "Where's my register? Who's eaten my register?". I 0801N mean, vegetables are food, you eat food, theres a connection in there 0801N somewhere. 0801N 0811Y00C1Y02C2N5) I once ran around my... (shit! I can't remember the English word for 0801N Kindergarden, bollocks!) someone help me. Anyway, I once ran around my 0801N pre-school (???) clutching a bunch of bean bags to my chest shouting, 0801N "Bombs for sale". 0801N 0811Y00C1Y03C3N6) At school sports day I remember shouting "Wait for me!" in the middle of 0801N one of my races. 0801N 0811Y00C1Y00S0NPretty fucking dumb things I think you'll agree. Still, with the benefit of 0801Nhindsight I never embarrased myself in such horrific ways again. 0801N 0801NWell, except for the time I tripped up in my geography GCSE lesson and, as I 0811Y31C3Y42C1Nfell, managed somehow to crush "Janelle's" (name modified to save further 0801Nembarrasement) hand against her desk with my head. 0801N 0806Y00S2NOr the time yesterday when I walked into someone getting off the bus. 0801N 0806Y00S0NOr the time when I (don't try to figure out how or why this happened) waved a 0806Y66C4NCappucino flavoured Wispa bar in an old womans face and screamed: "THEY'VE 0806Y16C1NGOT COFFEE IN!" at her. *!EOF ~}|{z/'CH Reading.ZOOW 1C o Witness.ZOO 0 basic 32 0 1 0 769 0 11 taurus 16 0 5 0 769 1 32 pearl 8 0 1 0 769 0 *!EOM 47 3219Y00F05basic32Y00J1NRichard Whiteley 3201NWitness the man 1227Y00F04ruby12Y00F06avantg14N 1206Y00C5NTaken From The Richard Whitely Appreciatian Site 1201NAnd Written By Richard's Loyal Fans 0814Y00F05topaz08N 0814Y00F05topaz08N 0821Y00F07titania24Y00C3NRichard Whiteley: 2416Y00F07titania24NThe Modest Star 2401N 1615Y00F06taurus16N 1606Y00C5NRichard Whiteley: 1601NThe First Man on Channel 4! 0814Y00F05pearl08N 0811Y00J0Y00C1NBefore 1982, Britain had only three television channels. But at 4pm on 11 0801NNovember, 1982 a new channel emerged - Channel 4. And the first face to be 0801Nseen was Richard Whiteley, presenting Countdown. 0801N 0806Y00J1N 1635Y00F06taurus16Y00J1Y00J0Y00C5Y00C2NBefore Countdown 0824Y00F05pearl08Y00J0Y00C1N 0801NCountdown was not, as a lot of people think, Richard's TV debut. For many 0801Nyears he worked as a local televi