DOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSDOSestruct mechanism has been rewired into the vending machine. Only the captain (dead) or executive officer (dead) can cancel the self-destruct. The only thing to do is to store Lister's mind on tape, wipe it and copy the executive officer's mind from her hologram disk. A brave attempt but it doesn't work... No problem though because Holly got rid of the actual bomb years ago. Rimmer gets the idea of borrowing Lister's body for a couple of weeks a year, but, having got it he wants to keep it. He runs off taking the body with him... Lister, the Cat and Captain Chloroform (Kryten) give chase. TIMESLIDES Kryten discovers a mutated form of photographic developer that produces photographs that are doorways into the scene depicted. The crew can visit anywhere or anytime they have a picture of, but, they can't move outside the border of the picture. Rimmer offers to find a picture of a female only naturist beach in Acapulco. Lister wants to change history so he doesn't end up on Red Dwarf and so enters a picture of himself as a teenager and tries to convince his younger self to invent the Tension Sheet(tm). The attempt succeeds and Lister disappears. Holly's records show that he lived a long, rich and happy life. Rimmer returns to save him... THE LAST DAY The Devadroid Corporation's notification that Kryten's replacement is on it's way finally reaches the ship. The problem? Kryten must die! He will then get his reward for his years of patient service to humans in Silicon Heaven. Lister is shocked and decides to throw a massive goodtime party for Kryten before his shut-down disk engages. The morning after it is another matter altogether, suffering from hangovers the Red Dwarf posse decide to tell Kryten's replacement to leave. When Hudson 10 arrives and finds Kryten still alive and offers to kill him they resist, after all a droid can't hurt a human. Trouble is Hudson 10 has been alone in space so long his sanity chip has worn out. |1-Season 4 CAMILLE Rimmer and Kryten find a Starship escape pod on a planet in a decaying orbit around it's sun. Kryten disobeys Rimmer to search for survivors and discovers a female android called Camille a 4000 series Gti with the realistic toes and slideback sun-roof head. Camille doesn't want to meet the rest of the crew since she is really a Genetically Engineered Lifeform (GELF) and people see her as their perfect mate, the person they most desire. Kryten sees another mechanoid, Rimmer sees a hologram that looks like his sister-in-law Janine and is keen on 20th Century telephone poles and Hammond Organ music, Lister sees a woman with whom he can start rebuilding the human race. What is the Cat going to see? Lister's opinion is that "knowing you it will be a six foot tall Valkerie warrior maiden in scanty armour with a cleavage you can ski down". Kryten and Camille's relationship blossoms, but what would Humphrey Bogart have done? D.N.A. The crew of Red Dwarf encounter a strange alien looking space ship that doesn't have Glenn Miller aboard. The only person aboard is in fact dead and notable for being basically human except that he has three heads and a video club card. Lister and the Cat find a DNA reprogramming machine. The Cat accidently changes Lister into a chicken, then a hamster and finally back into a man. Then Kryten is also turned into a man, his wildest dream has come true. He is soon discovering all manner of interesting things about being human and some of the strange design features of the male anatomy. He soon begins to build up a rather unusual photo album which he shows to Lister. Kryten decides to change back into a mechanoid but Holly's experiments with the machine result in the creation of a creature that is half-man, half-extra hot curry. Lister gets Holly to turn him into a superhuman to fight it. Does this strategy work...sort of. JUSTICE Imagine a world where it isn't possible to commit any crime, this is the Justice World space station. After bringing aboard a cryogenic container holding either a prison ship guard named Barbara Bellini or a psychopathic murdering simulant the crew travel here. They are mind probed and Rimmer is sentenced to 9000 years imprisonment for causing the deaths of the crew of Red Dwarf. Kryten obtains a retrial and proves that Rimmer is an unimportant nobody, a joke of a man who cannot possibly actually be responsible for the accident that happened aboard Red Dwarf. Meanwhile, the pod has thawed and it isn't Barbara Bellini inside. The climactic fight between Lister and the simulant is complicated by the fact that any crime (e.g. assault with several deadly weapons) you try to commits effects happen to you. WHITEHOLE Kryten's plan to restore Holly's intelligence to 6000 through a technique called intelligence compression backfires. Holly ends up brilliant with an IQ of 12386 knowing the answer to everything. However, her life-span has been exponentially reduced and she has only 3.4 minutes of runtime left. She offlines and the crew are left in a dead ship with no engines, lights or power and only a few months before the air runs out. To make matters worse Red Dwarf encounters a white hole which is spewing time back into the universe causing all sorts of paradoxes. Not least how the script writers are going to wriggle out of this plot line. DIMENSION JUMP "Ace" Rimmer space adventurer, test pilot and member of the Space Corps Special Service is successful, handsome and heroic to a fault. He likes to to dine out and is basically everything Arnold Rimmer would like to have been. When "Ace" is asked to test a space ship that can travel to other dimensions by breaking the speed of reality the two Rimmers are on a collision course. After crashing into the Red Dwarf crews StarBug he rescues them from a watery grave. He soon discovers the Rimmer we all know to be a worm and leaves to travel to other dimensions. Over the next decades he travels to thousands of dimensions and meets thousands of Arnold Rimmers but none are as weaselly or desperately sad as the one he met on Red Dwarf. His search continues. MELTDOWN While searching through the research labs aboard Red Dwarf Kryten discovers a nearly complete space warp paddle. He completes the device and discovers that it can transport people thousands of light years almost instantaneously. Kryten and Rimmer go ahead to scout out a likely planet. When Lister and the Cat arrive they find themselves surrounded by the leaders of the Third Reich. After watching Winnie the Pooh executed by firing squad they discover that the planet is inhabited by waxdroids - imitations of real people - that have broken their programming and are fighting a good vs bad war. Good is losing until Rimmer appoints himself commander. |1-Season 5 HOLOSHIP Rimmer's dreams come true when the crew of the Red Dwarf encounter the Holoship Enlightenment commanded by Captain Aircool Platini (IQ 212) crewed by the legendary arrogant hologramatical cream of the space corps. Unfortunately the Enlightenment already has a full crew and the only way for Rimmer to join is for him to challenge an existing crew member to a range of intellectual tests. Rimmer decides to cheat and Kryten patches two minds from other members of Red Dwarf's crew into his. "Even allowing for the enormous drag factor of your own mind, we should end up with something pretty special" - Kryten. Not suprisingly Rimmer's mind rejects the patch but not before his opponent Commander Nirvana Crane falls in love with him and withdraws from the tests. Will Rimmer give up this chance and allow her to live? THE INQUISITOR "Well the legend tells of a droid, a self-repairing simuilant, who survives to the end of eternity, the end of time itself. After millions of years alone he finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no after life, and the only purpose of existence is to lead a worthwhile life. And so the droid constructs a time machine and roams eternity visiting every soul in history and assessing each one. He erases all those who wasted their lives and replaces them with those who never had a chance of life - the unfertilised eggs, the sperms that never made it. That is the Inquisitor, he prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched and deletes the worthless" - Kryten. "We're in big trouble" - Rimmer. Each of the crew is judged by themselves (it's a bit metaphysical) and Lister and Kryten are sentenced to deletion because they could have made more of their lives. Kryten and Lister are expunged from history, but just before they are "deleted" they are rescued by Kryten returning from the future who is then killed by the Inquisitor. Can Lister and Kryten convince their replacements who they are, can they decipher the Inquisitor's time gauntlet before the final confrontation, can Lister save Kryten, how do you open a door with a hand print lock when you don't exist any longer, is Lister really a sick person and what happens to the Inquisitor? TERRORFORM Kryten and Rimmer discover a psi-moon which reshapes itself to mimic the landscape of a living mind. Unfortunately the only mind around is Rimmer's (such as it is). Rimmer is taken prisoner in his own mind and Kryten left for dead (scrapped?). Kryten sends his hand and an eye to Red Dwarf for help, but it is mistaken by Holly for a spider and Lister is frightened of spiders. In scenes not reminiscent of a Lassie film the hand attracts Listers attention and takes them to Kryten. After some DIY repairs by Lister, the rest of the crew set off to rescue Rimmer from his own personal demons. But, Starbug gets bogged down in quicksand and their only escape is to make Rimmer feel worthwhile, loved and respected. QUARANTINE Rimmer sulking about Kryten's quoting of Space Corps regulations forces the rest of the crew into quarantine after they encounter a hologram of a scientist infected with a holo virus in a Bio research lab. Of course as per regulation Rimmer has provided beds and chairs for each member of the crew of course only Lister is registered as a member of Red Dwarf's crew. Stress builds and they ask Rimmer to release them unfortunately Rimmer spoke to the scientist on the radio and holoviruses can be transmitted by radio. Can they escape using the luck virus they discovered in the research lab. DEMONS AND ANGELS An experiment to duplicate the last strawberry in the universe results in the destruction of the Red Dwarf and the creation of two duplicates of the ship and crew however, one version is perfect, even the pot noodles are wonderful. The other is a wreck containing all that is worst from the crew's personalities. The two copies will collapse in an hour unless the Red Dwarf crew can get the duplicators from both ships and recombine them into a single ship. The perfect crew are only to pleased to help but the "Downs" want to take over. They capture Lister and after a bit of idle torture connect a remote control system to him and send him off to kill the others. BACK TO REALITY While salvaging the SSS Esperanto the Red Dwarf crew discover that all the crew and all life on the planet committed suicide under the influence of a hallucinogenic venom. Whilst fleeing from the despair squid Starbug crashes and the crew are all killed. Awaking they find that they have spent the last four years playing the hit total immersion video game "Red Dwarf" (badly). They are unable to remember their past lives and are shocked to discover who and what they really are. In addition they discover they live in a fascist state where any opposition is ruthlessly surpressed. Appalled with their lives they decide to end it all... End -Bp%006-Scooter!.txt-$faf|2-Scooter! $fff By Slipmatt Of /\/FA! $ffa This file is about something I found when I bought a Scooter CD. It was Back In The U.K. by Scooter and on the back was a telephone number. But coz I`m a thick I don`t really want to phone it up coz it`s in Germany and it will cost a bomb to phone anyway. Er.... Oh yes. The phone number is:-) $fff 030-25 41 41 11 (Inside Germany) +49-30-25 41 41 11 (Outside Germany) $ffa I know this is totally useless to you unless you are into the kinda music Scooter make, which is HardCore. So if you live in Germany, try out the number and then let us know what the bloke(s) said by writing to an issue of The Word. Also some.... $fff |1-Useful Info On Scooter! $ffa On the bottom of the CD Holder in small print is some usful info on Scooter`s Back In The U.K. $fffWriten by H.P.Baxxter, Rick J,Jordan, J.Thele, Ferris Bueller Produced by The Loop! * Live at Kellys. Recorded at Loop D.C.-Studio, Hamburg. Published by Edition Loop! Dance Constructions c/o Hanseatic/Warner Chappell Booking Agengy: Partner Colleg Phone: +49-40-481-820 81, Fax: +49-40-481-820 85. For information about Scooter write to: Club Tools c/o edel company. P.O. Box 520151, 22591 Hamburg, Germany. Cover: Marc Schilkowski/Berlin. Photos: Micheal Malfer. Printed and manufactured in Germany. (p) 1995 `edel' Gesellchaft fur Produktmarketing mbH. (c) 1995 `edel' Gesellchaft fur Produktmarketing mbH. $ffaThis useless information was brought to you by: $fff |1-Slipmatt/NFA! End #0g12-TextAds1.txt- !1'&%$#"! =): 06-TeleText.txt-$ffa|2-Teletext! $fff By $faf BootBlock/TerraForm $fffAbout 70-80% of people in the UK have got TeleText. Urm.. thats it. There are some very good stuff on TeleText - e-spesh Channel 4. There's one particular part of TeleText (on C4) that PISSES me of an unbelievably amount of piss is .... |2-DIGITISER What the fock have these stupid bastards got against the Amiga ? You can bet EVERY time they feature the Amiga in anything, from reviewing a game to saying summat about the new Amiga - which they haven't yet (16/04/96), they will degrade it as being in the same league as the Spectrum and C64. Talking about game reviewing. They always seem to "review" the SHIT Amiga games, and never something like Alien Breed 3D II, or Breathless. KuNtS. Oh God. Have you read some of there SHIT "jokes" ?? It is the worst pile of *SHIT* I have EVER had the total & utter misfourtune to see with my twin input devices (`eyes' to non-pooter owners). What a bunch of C-U-N-T-S (Freak, could you make the word "CUNTS" as big as possible ? Good.) |2-C U N T S okay... (f.ed) The have this twat called `The Man' who is a right shithead. If I was the Mr TeleText Boss, I would fire these BASTARDS. You can't fail to notice that if there's any computer/console that hasn't got the word Saturn, Super, PlayStation or PeeCee in it - they'll slag the shit off it. -+- There ARE some good stuff on TeleText, like the following (NB: I am remembering these from memory (my mem - not the Amy's) and I haven't viewed other TeleText pages for ages, as the TeleText telly has an indoor ariel and its a BASTARD to get a clear teletext picture) : PAGE TV CHANNEL COMMENT 470 4 This is the aforementioned Digitiser crap. Very biased views, they should be stabbed. 440 4 Club 440. Something for teenagers (like me) to have a gander at. Includes a problems page which is very funny to read. Dear Nick, My left bollock is smaller than the right one. Help! - A TT Fan. 650 4 Another set of computer pages. Quite good, but mainly PeeCee's and rarely features anything about thee luverly Amiga. 674 4 SuperScrooge. Very Good. Gives you various info on how to save money and make your own versions of various things (i.e. carpet cleaner and stuff!). 620 4 Grooves. Gives info on what music type things are `appening and top 20 and stuff. I RARELY take a gander at this. 689 or summat 4 Turner The Worm. Yes, I know, this sad cartoon is for 7-yr olds - but I'm a sad git! 199 4 INDEX - worth looking. =-+-= Well, that's all for my wunderful world of TeleText (apart from Digitiser (I think it's being renamed to `Gamma 7'). Maybe more next issue - don't bet on it! End 0g h12-TextAds2.txt-()Tx,+*));,06-usualsuspects.txt-$faf|1-The Usual Suspects $fff By Dead Head Right then you ugly lot, first things first this isn't to be compared to reservoir dogs or Pulp Fiction, because in my opinion this is a completely different film. OK it has gangsters ( sort of ) and it has good guys but thats about it, read on to find out more about this novel film with a great twist ( whoops nearly gave it away!!! ) This trip actually started off as a journey to see a premiere of APPOLLO 13, and so we arrived an hour early hoping to get some tickets, but lo-and-behold they had sold out so me and my mate were stuck there with no f*cking lift until APPOLLO 13 was supposed to have finished!. Luckily we saw there was a film starting and so said "bugger this" and went in (still suffering from headaches from the previous night and days boozin':-) Oh right onto the film! It starts off with the crims being gathered by the police ready for questioning about some robbery on an assortment of guns, and so all of the "baddies" are put on a wotsitcalled, id thingy and asked to read a card that goes "hand over the keys you cock sucker" ( this is really funny and has to be seen ). After this they are put in a cell where they hatch another plan to get away with another job. All of this is being relayed to us via backflashes, from one of the original crims who is being questioned following an explosion ( where all the others die ). Anyways needless to say that all is not as it seems, but I don't want to spoil it for anyone who goes to watch it, besides I can't be arsed. There is quite a bit of swearing and violence in the film ( well it is an 18 what do you expect! ) but this isn't overly excessive and does in some cases add to the film, indeed it just enhances the film without the focus being taken away from the plot. A great thriller/violent film with an even better plot top stuff. $faf|1-OVERALL 9.5/10 $fffEnd --.843210/. R)>606-Z&ZLandinLight.txt-$ffa Latest in a series of articles of supreme sadness... $ff6|2-Zig and Zag $ffa|1-Turn on your Landing Light $fff By WorkBench/NFA And Freak/NFA $f83 Yes it is quite true and sad, we sat at the pooter for you so that $2f5we could bring to you the words to "Turn on your Landing Light" by Zig $ff8and Zag. If there is any mistakes do not blame us blame the $f2aintoxicating fluid we had before doing this... (Wot... coffee? - F.ed) $fff INTRO $faf The sensiational sound of country and ragga, that's right. Zig and Zag are upon the place, Zig and Zag upon the range with horses and things. HUH! Dis ones to all you earthlings out there. Zig and Zag are massive. Right! $fffVERSE 1 $faf Come down selecta Zig and Zag on de case, Me intergalactic alien, mon from outer space Me Doctor cosmic club, me make dem body work And ya had ya close encounter of the third kind HUH! Whipcrackawaywhipcrackawaywheynow Whipcrackawaywhipcrackawaywheynow YEEHAH! $fffCHORUS $faf Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Cos Zig and Zag are landin' in a town near you tonight $fffVERSE 2 $faf Dis town aint big enough for two So ya gotta move on out B..B..But I got sheriff written on my anorak The planets aren't fussin', no outer funk effect With me woofers, me dance, and me crucial way me know i'll ear our most me distinguished gents HUHEHUH! Me the next best thing to rioting, me two parts cement Oh Great HUH! Whipcrackawaywhipcrackawaywheynow Whipcrackawaywhipcrackawaywheynow YEEHAH! $fffCHORUS $faf Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Cos Zig and Zag are landin' in a town near you tonight Turn on your landin' light, HUHEHEHEHUH Turn it on HUH! Turn on your landin' light, RRRRight, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on, RRRRight Cos Zig and Zag are landin' in a town near you tonight $fffVERSE 3 $faf Keep that base a-pumpin' HUH! Yeah I'm the bloomin' (HUH!) sheriff round 'ere (So what) No you're, you're not the sheriff, I am HUH! Warnin' Warnin' dis is de war of de worlds HUHEHEHEHUH The Captain James T Kirk, I see one of the girls Warnin' Warnin' de aliens come down To setup a riteous rigger right in your town I am the sherrif I am the sherrif Muffin No I am the sherrif raggamuffin-sherrif, muffin I'm in charge anyway Get lost Zig I am de Zaga-muffin I own dis town I am de raisin muffin, and I am, I'm a cake AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH $fffCHORUS $faf Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on Cos Zig and Zag are landin' in a town near you tonight Turn on your landin' light, HUH Turn it on HUH! Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on, Turn it on Turn on your landin' light, Turn it on, (Turn it on) Turn on your landin' light, (Turn it on), Turn it on, Cos Zig and Zag are landin' in a town near you tonight We're gonna turn you in $fffEnd -u g04-BugglesCodes.txt-56a1EDCBA@?>=<;:9876f)B08-Confessions.txt-$faf|1-JOHN'S CARNAL $f8f|2-CONFESSIONS $fff Some of these short stories might make you smile, some might make you spew, but the one thing they all have in common, is that they are all absolutely true (honest!)... $afa|1-A BLOW JOB IN THE BAND STAND $fff (People's Park in Grimsby) $afa "Let me know when your going to come... Getting a mouthful makes me gag", she said sounding rather sternly, looking at me from under her eyebrows in that funny sort of way in which she did. That was her "You will be sorry if you try it!" look. "Ok" I agreed, like you agree to anything when a nice looking lass is going to suck your dick. After a few minutes I got that feeling. The "I'm going to come in the next few seconds" type feeling. So do I tell her, or do I spurt in her mouth. What is the worse thing she could do to me if I shoot down her throat... Well, I guess she could sink her teeth into my willy. That would be quite nasty, and very painful to say the least. Maybe she might puke on my best shirt. Fuck it! I will take the consequences I thought, a couple of seconds before unloading my wad into her unsuspecting mouth. She made a sound of disaproval, something like "BBLUUGHHHGH!". If looks could kill then I would have been dead and buried from the evil glare she was giving me. Obviously she was not very amused, and I was waiting for her to do some thing realy horrible to me. A couple of minutes past in complete silence, although it felt like hours. We both just sat there. I was still waiting for something to happen. Then she said "Well are you going to kiss me then, it's the least you should do?" I was a little taken aback. No violent outburst? No calling me all the bastards under the sun, and she wanted me to kiss her? I couldn't believe she was forgiving me so easily. It was very much out of character. So I went to give her a kiss. She rolled her tongue up to make like a tube, and then she blew my own spunk (that she had been saving) into my mouth. It must be the most discusting thing I have ever tasted. It wasn't just the bitter salty taste that made me feel ill, but the texture too, and the way it sticks to the back of the throat. A smug satisfied smile broke out across her face as I was franticly trying to spit it all out, trying not to spew at the same time. (Only a woman can make you feel this bad - F.ed) $fff =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= $faf|1-SLIP SLIDING AWAY $ffa I once went on a double date to a barn dance. It wasn't actually in a barn though, but in a small church on the Nunsthorpe Estate (Eeek! - You fuckin' Psycho!!! - F.ed). The church had a wooden polished floor, and a raised platform bit at the front where the band where playing. I think they called the church Saint Martins, but I'm not sure. There was four of us. X, Y, Tracy (my date) and Me. Also there was about 50 other people there who I didn't know from Adam. Of the 54 people there I was one of only two actually dressed up. I felt that I looked like something begining with C, and it wasn't a cowboy. I had a big pair of boots on complete with buckles and chains, also I had on other various jangly accessories which made a "chink chink" sound as I walked about unsuccessfully trying to avoid attention in an outfit that was screaming "everybody look at me!" I danced with Tracy for about 30 seconds, before the bloke in the band shouted for everyone to change partners. Within a couple of minutes I had danced with all the women there, and was at the opposite end of the church hall to Tracy. Whatever happened I could not let her out of my sight, as the idea of walking alone in the Nunny without a local as a guide (to keep me out of the stabbing spots), was a very daunting thought.. Whenever I walk or should that be run through the Nunny I am always looking out for a psycho with a knife who wants to see the colour of my entrails, or something. It's the place nightmares are made of, like Elm Street. Anyway... Tracy was getting a bit fed-up so it seemed. I was supposed to be at a dance with her, and yet I had not spent no more than a couple of minutes with her, through no fault of my own. It's just the way things happened to be turning out. She came over and asked if I wanted to go outside and get some air with her. What she actually meant was did I fancy a snog outside, but I was too naive at the time to understand her true intentions. So I stood outside with her for a few minutes. Nothing happened, she was waiting for me to make the first move, but I was to dumb to understand why she was looking at me like she was expecting me to do something. So, after a short while I said we should go back inside before the others started wondering where we were. "Ok" she agreed looking rather disapointed. This happened two maybe three times the same way, and I still didn't get the message. I could see she was looking even more pissed then before, but I couldn't figure out why. As I was thinking, one of the band shouted "The buffet is now open." I looked over to where the buffet was, and I saw Tracy walking out the door. Shit! She's clearing off home, and leaving me here I thought to myself. She can't leave me here. I best catch up to her. So in a blind panic I tried to run across a polished floor in a pair of boots with chain straps on them. My feet went from under me, and I slid half the length of the church hall on my back. The metal of my boots caught the polished floor, and made a RRRRRUGGGSSHHHHH sound as they ripped up the varnish. The friction slowed down my travel a little, but it was crashing into the raised platform that brought my journey to a complete hault. I hit the platform with a bang, and then there was complete silence. It must have only been a couple of seconds long, but it felt like a life time. Everyone was stood staring at me laid on my back with my legs all crumpled up in a mess. I looked up to see the band member, who had shouted the buffet was open, staring down at me. He smiled and said in his big loud voice with a false country accent "There is no need to rush lad... There is plenty of food for everyone!" Everyone in the place just burst into laughter, and I wanted one of those big scratches on the floor to open into a hole and swallow me up. I stood up and made my exit. Lucky for me Tracy was still stood outside. "You look a bit red" she said. "Yes. I was feeling a bit warm, so I thought I would come outside for some fresh air... I will walk you home if you like" I said. $fff =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= $faa If anyone likes these two little stories, then I will send in a few more. I was going to send in about half a dozen, but I'm not sure if this stuff is print worthy or not. So, who else is going to admit to their dating disasters? $fff =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= By ########################### ############################# ##### ##### ##### John.P #### ##### #### ##### ############# ### ##### ############# ### ###### ##### ######## ### ##### ### ##### ### ##### ### End =)2705-AmigaScene.txt-FG)cZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHG&E)B08-RobertAndJulie.txt-$ffa|1-Robert and Julie $fff By Christopher Good (Plymouth's biggest pervert) [This was written by my nephew who is 13 years old. He asked me to correct the spelling mistakes and tidy it up a bit but I said no, I'll contribute it as it is! Zebedee/CRN] Once in 1994 there were two families, the Capules and the Monta's. These two families had never got on, they despised each other and turned their noses up at each other when they met in the street. All hated each other except for two of them, Robert from the Monta family and julie from the Capule family. They saw no point in all of the fighting and wanted to walk down the street without getting dirty looks from members of the other family. One day they met in the street for the first time. They had never met before but both knew that they were supposed to be enemies. Robert didn't really care, he had never seen anyone as beautiful as Julie and crossed the road to her. Julie also couldn't help sneaking a few looks at Robert, seeing that he was crossing the road to her she started to walk faster thinking that he was going to start trouble. Julie had long blonde hair, blue eyes and ruby red lips, she was wearing a white top, faded blue jeans and had black high heels on. Robert caught up and jumped infront of her. "Don't be frightened" he said "I won't hurt you, there's no point in all of this fighting, I don't even know what the disagreement is, it's between our parents not us". Julie looked at him, he had brown hair and brown eyes. He was around 6ft and she was instantly attracted to him. Robert looked into her eyes and could see that she agreed with what he had said. "What's your name?" asked Robert, Julie looked at him. "Julie, what's your name?" she asked, Robert looked pleased that she was co-operating with him. "I'm Robert, I really like you, will you come on a date with me?" Julie looked at him as if shocked, "You're very forward, I don't even know you, you don't know me" Robert looked at her desperatly. "Well, lets go on a date and get to know each other" Julie looked at him and could see that he was serious. "Our families would go mad if they found out" she said "but then they don't have to know" she smiled at Robert "the park at 8:00". She said bye to Robert to Robert and walked back home, Robert watched her go out of sight and then walked home himself. Robert lived in a one bedroomed flat, he had lived there for quite a long time and didn't want to move. he started to make dinner, he was going to make a romantic dinner to impress Julie, and hopefully he could settle down with her and have children. He decided to make a roast with a chocolate cake for dessert. He was just laying the table when he saw the time. He called a taxi and went to the park. When he got to the park he saw Julie sitting on a bench, he ran up to her, she was wearing the same clothes as when he first saw her earlier that day. "Hi, are you ready?, i've made dinner and I have a taxi waiting" Julie stood up and started to walk with him, thet got into the taxi and started to drive. "So, what do we talk about?" asked Robert, Julie looked at him and started to giggle. "Why don't we get to know each other, how old are you?" she asked "I'm 28, and you, how old are you?" "I'm 25" she said At that moment they arrived at Roberts flat, the taxi stopped and Robert payed the driver letting the driver keep the change. They entered the lift and Robert pressed the button for the fourth floor. They talked as the lift jumped into motion, when the lift reached the fourth floor Robert got his keys out and they entered the flat. Robert all of a suddenly remembered the chicken in the oven, he ran to the oven and took the chicken out, he looked at it, surprisingly it was done perfectly. He looked at Julie and told her to sit down while he brought the dinner out, she sat down and waited. He brought the dinner out and the two of them sat and ate occasionaly looking at each other. Julie finished her cake and looked at Robert. "Did you do all of this for me?"she asked looking him straight in the eye. Robert smiled. "Yes, I really want us to be together, I really do like you" he looked down at his half eaten cake and then back up at her. "Do you like me?" he asked, Julie looked at him and smiling, said "Yes, a lot. So much infact that i'm not going to let you finish that cake" She stood up and walked over to him, she sat on his lap "because I know a much nicer dessert than chocolate cake." she took his fork out of his hand and placed it on the table "You haven't shown me around your flat yet have you" she said "Why don't you show me the bedroom" They entered the bedroom, Robert closed the door and moved closer to Julie, she put her arms around him and then kissed him. Robert ran his fingers through her hair and pulled her closer, he put his hands on her thigh and pulled her leg up around him. They were now against the wall. Robert put his arms around her waist and pulled Julie even closer. Julie placed her left arm under his right arm and held on to his neck whilst her right arm was just on his lower back. Her left leg around his right leg. They carried on kissing, Robert started to undo Julies shirt. By this time they were still against the wall but were slowly getting closer to the bed. He took her top off and kissed her breasts. Julie took Roberts shirt off and she kissed his chest. They were now both topless and they then fell onto the bed. Julie placed her hands on his upper back and Robert was kissing her breasts with his hands clenched onto her buttocks, he moved his hands up to the top of Julies back. Julie put her hands onto Roberts lower back, Robert was on top of her and started to undo Julies belt whilst sucking and kissing her breasts. Julie had her hands on his head and was running her hands through his hair. Robert pulled her shoes and socks off of her and then he pulled everything else off as well. He kissed her left foot and ran his hands up and down her leg. He carried on kissing as he travelled up her leg. Now he was up to her knee with his hands once again clenched to Julies buttocks. He worked his way up to her vagina and licked it out, Julie was breathing fast and let out a scream of pleasure, she put her hands on his shoulders and said. "Again, again" Robert licked it out again and listened to her second scream of pleasure. He kissed the area around her vagina for a while and then went up to her breasts and sucked them before kissing her on the lips. Julie went down and kissed his belly whilst taking his trousers off. She stripped off all of his clothes and sucked his toes. She worked up his leg and kissed his penis a few times, she clenched his buttocks and then sucked his penis. Robert shouted out with joy. "Yes, yes, more, more" Julie sucked his penis again and then went up to his chest, kissing and licking it. She kissed him on the lips and then kissed the back of his neck, after doing that she stuck her tongue down his ear and then returned to kissing him on the lips. She reached for a scarf on Roberts drawers, as she stretched over Robert to tie his hands to the bed post her breasts were hanging over Roberts face, he kissed them until Julie had finished tyeing up his hands. She once again kissed nearly every bit of Roberts body. After sucking Roberts erected penis the intercourse began. Julie started to move up and down on Robert getting faster and faster. Robert got free and the bed was shaking like anything. Robert got on top of her and started moving backwards and forwards getting faster and harder. Julies hair was being bumped around from the force that Robert was giving. Eventually they fell asleep in each others arms, it had been a long and exausting night. In the morning Robert woke up on his own, there was a note on his clothes, it read. Robert I had to go, meet me in the park at 3:30 Love you Julie. Robert put his clothes on, it was already 3:05. He got to the park for 3:25, he sat down waited. It was now 4:10 and she had not come, Robert started to walk away when he heard a rough voice shout to him. "Oi you" he turned to see a man around Roberts height walk towards him "You Robert?" he said, when Robert said yes he was pushed to the ground, "You stay away from my sister, you can't see her 'cause we're not letting her out". The man walked away. Robert went home and sat thinking for around an hour. Eventually he got up and called a taxi. He arrived outside Julies house. "Wait here please" he said to the driver. He knocked on Julies door and waited. The door was answered by the man who pushed Robert. "Wot d'you want?" he said "I want to see Julie" said Robert trying to stay calm. "Well you can't" said the man, the man went to close the door but Robert got through, he ran through the house shouting for Julie, she ran down the stairs trying to get away from her dad who had nearly caught up with her. Robert grabbed her hand and they ran out to the taxi. They drove back to Roberts flat where they lived until they got married and moved to a big house, they later had two children and spent the rest of their lives together. THE END [As if it was as easy as that! You missed the part out where he never has any money anymore or any more sex! 8) K.ed] [It wasn't bad though - F.ed] End  )2 05-dole.txt-[\H^]\)B p09-ASCII_ART.txt-$faf|1-A$Cii aRT $fff Here is a totally boring picture that was created during college and will probably not be included in the Word. For anyone who cares this is how exiting college life is. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\ _ / \ _ / \ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ / \ /\/\/\/\/\/\ / \ / \/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/ / \ oooo /\ /\/\/\/\\ /\ /\/\/\/\\ oooooooo / \/ \ /\ / \ / \oo/\oooooo/\/\/\ \/\/ \ /\/\/\ /\ / \/ \oooo/ \ \/ \ /\ / \/ \ / \ \oo/ \ \ \/ \ / \ / \ \/ \ \ \/ \ / \ / \ \ / \ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ---------------------------------------------------------------------- /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/a$Cii aRT - $orcerer $fff /WiLDFiRe end -_`Ůiba`)C09-BBStuff.txt.-$faf|2-Bootblock $fcf|1-Writes some Stuff $fff by Bootblock of Terraform $fafThis is just a load of (nice) crap written by me, becoz I have run of those loverly article writing ideas. The time is 2:14am and I am currently listening to Talk Radio UK (Ian Collins) which is on 1056 MW. What a boring life huh? Nothing to do. Gotta' go to the JobCentre and sign on (not for the Dole, as I'm not old enough). Looking forward to meeting Freak as well, for the second time! Turns out that British Beef was only banned in Europe, so the other countries can flogg more of their beef. Cheating gits. Anway, why the HELL has Brussels got control on what happens in the UK ??? A few months ago, they wanted to rename English chocolate to some other cunt of a name, that sounded so bloody stupid. Yep, I'm doing a Mammoth/ND spesh, I'm farting almost every word I type. TIP: I heard that if you open your arse cheeks as wide as possible and THEN fart, it will be cunningly silent. Paaarrrrpp ! Poo. I'm getting a square arse, for sitting down for ages without getting up, and the pattern of the chair is getting embedded into my arse. Ahhhh... that's bedder. Sit on a hard wooden chair, and then fart. It'll sound exactly like a machine gun. Weird. Oh bugger it, I'm off to bed. I'm a tad knackered. Hopefully I have a Lucid Dream. Fantasies ahoy ! $fffEnd )505-gettingajob.txt-cd̀fed)Cp09-Boring!.txt-$faf|2-Boring! $fff By BootBlock/TerraForm Oh well. Here I am bored out of my `nads and got nuttun' to do. Its 3:23pm Sunday, the er... wonder what the date is....its... urmm....ah! The 14th (14/04/96) ! That was very interesting, wasn't it ? Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, BUGGER ! Its true! The A1200 CAN'T handle more than two keys being pressed on the same row! The `M' key has a higher priority than the V, B, N, comma, fullstop and slash keys. The `4' on the keypad uses more CPU power than the rest of the numeric keys. The `Y' key has higher priority than the W, R, T, U, I, O, P, [ and ] keys. (Use the numbers on the main keyboard for this) Try this: Press & hold the `1' key and repeatedly press key `2'. You should notice that the 1 keeps getting printed regardless of pressing `2' (or the 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 0, -, = and \ keys for that matter). Now press and hold the `1' key and repeatedly press key `6'. Now both numbers will print. Hold down key `1' and then press key `7' once. The 1 will stop being printed to the screen, and `7' will be printed to the screen once. I told you I was bored, didn't I ! If you are still reading, you should throw yourself through the nearest available window - for total hurtage purposes only! End )2q05-AlcoholAbuse.txtK-ghAmjihT)D09-ChocChipCookies.txt-$aff|1-The Great Choc Chip Cookie Debate $fff By Bolty $cffIn Freak's guide to "No Frills" food products, I couldn't help noticing that he said the Chocolate Chip Cookies were "Good", and that you can't stop eating them once you've started a packet. $fcfI feel that this statement is highly misleading to the consumer, as in my opinion, No Frills Chocolate Chip Cookies are the worst biscuit products I have ever eaten, with the exception of "Beta-pet" dog food. $cffTo start with, the Cookies have one of the lowest chocolate chip to cookie ratios in the biscuit world. Some specimens contain only 2 or 3 chips. $fcfAlso a big turn off is the very lax quality control. I have witnessed packets of dark brown burnt cookies, as well as white undercooked ones, that are still soft in the middle. $cffAlthough you seemingly receive a lengthy packet for your money, the actual biscuit diameter is very small. $fcfAlthough more expensive, I believe that Asda or Tesco's own brand cookies are much better value for money, given their excellent quality, taste, and chip to cookie ratio. $cfcFreak Adds: Rest assured we'll be investigating Andy's claims just as soon as my next giro comes so that I can buy some of the other brands mentioned. $fff Andrew? You are a very sad man... ;) End )6t05-Overheat.txt-k l}޸utsrqponml)DX 09-Cousin.txt8-$faf|2-My Mate $f8f|1-And $faf|2-My Cousin $fff By WorkBench / NFA and Big Boy / iNDi $faf This week commencing the 10th April, my cousins, who we shall call Fiona (17) and Samantha (16). They came down, and a mate of mine came round later that day as we had to go off to work, and he met my cousin (Victoria). He had seen her before in a photograph, and had decided that he liked her. He met her in the afternoon before work and liked her even more. I thought nothing of it at the time but I was wrong, something was soon to happen. Tuesday night came along and we all went out for a game of pool, the girls could not play, but they soon got the hang of it, after they had lost four or five games. Finally the night of all nights came out of the woodwork. It started off with more games of pool, and then the trip home went via a phone box, as the other cousin (Fiona) wanted to ring her boyfriend up. After that we all went home and put a video of Lee Evans on. As I was really tired I fell asleep within about 20 minutes or so, Fiona was the next and this left my mate and Samantha alone, well sort of, the rest of the family was asleep. The next part of the story was told to me by my mate himself, and so I only have his word for it. Here goes... Big Boy / iNDi We both sat and gazed at the ceiling, bored but slightly tired, but not wanting to sleep so early (early being 12:00am). I felt slightly uncomfortable as I had been warned to leave them alone, and let them sleep. So I just tried to make myself comfortable, which was hard to do as I had all my clothes on, with a duvet and sleeping bag to use, and a blanket which smelt as if it had been ran over by a steam roller which had just ran over cow shit. Five minutes later after I had kicked most of my bed stuff over to the other side of the room, I heard a voice ask if I was tired, I replied with the answer no. I asked her back (sadly but it all started there). For the next four hours we talked about, careers, schools, politics, anything that came to mind, in the end we started to talk about which toilet rolls we used, and eventually to body sizes. Our backsides began to ache as we had been sat on the floor for so long. We moved to the sofa. We were both tired and wanted to go to sleep. She eventually fell to sleep on my lap. I was about to follow, but I knew the reaction if they (The Parents) saw us like that in the morning. For starters I would have a foot print on my backside. I wouldn't of minded but they all have mass feet in this family (WB / NFA is a size 12 and so is his younger brother). So I nudged her a few times to try and wake her up. It didn't work, I tried to lift her, but at that time I could hardly lift my arm so I slowly lifted her head and took her to the bed. Then I went to mine, which was right next to hers (how convenient). We laid there for a while. I saw her hand close to my head, so I reached out for it. This was to break one of her finger nails, where we clasped hands. For the next 45 minutes we were just stroking each others arms, hands and faces. She slowly edged forward, bit each time, she was close to me so I went in for the kill. $aff|2-Here Goes $fff I slowly went to kiss her, we were in a jaw lock for 10 minutes. I moved closer, we kissed again and she put her arm around me. I felt her slowly pull me closer so I went quite willingly, leaving only six inches between us (What was the six inch space for? - WB/NFA). We stopped occasionally as someone stired in the room, but were back together instantly afterwards. We laid like that for half an hour, my hand stroking her backside, and hers on my chest. She put her leg over mine and we kissed some more, longer than the last. As time went by we were getting further and further and I don't now if we would have gone all the way, as I had only known her for two days and there was 3 others in the room asleep but moving. We suddenly heard voices upstairs followed by movement. As long as they stayed upstairs we would have been fine, but they didn't. Her parents were coming downstairs, so not knowing if they were coming into the room we stopped there and fell to sleep. Back to WB / NFA $afa |2-Chicken Shit $ffa The next day Samantha had to go home, but due to the fact that her parents were watching he did not get much of a kiss goodbye. As she is about to pull away I tell her that my mate and I will go down (On Her) when I pass my Driving Test (Fingers Crossed - or Wet) $fff End dcba`_^]\[Zu)8205-ProhibitedParcels.txt-vw+xw[)D 09-CrapNJokes.txt-$faf|2-JOKES n CRAP $fffQ. Whats red and screams? A. A freshly peeled baby in a bath of salt water Q. Whats red and climbs up your leg? A. A homesick aborton Q. Whats red and can't fit through doors? A. A baby with a Javelin through its head Q. What have Blackburn Rovers and a 3 pin plug got in common? A. They're both useless in Europe Q. Whats grosser than gross? A. Shaggin' a pregnant woman and getting a blowjob off the foetus Q. Whats grosser than gross? A. Finding a pubic hair in your bloody Mary Will Carling: Doctor my dicks gone blue Doc: Ah! you've been dipping your wick in di! NEW DISNEY FILM STARING O J SIMPSON - The Lyin Coon Q. Whats red and lies in a chippy A. An abortion of chips! Thats all for now jokesters! The dead one DEAD HEAD/NFA End )8x05-QuacksUnExplain.txt-yzC~}|{z 4909-Dead_Dog.txtm-$faf|1-Death By The Dog!! $fff By Slipmatt Of /\/FA! $ffa Next door to me is these two old gits with all these little shitty dogs. They take `em for walks `n` stuff like that. But today was a bit different. I just happened to be looking out of the window to see on to the field, where there is a park as well, a big dog [I think it was an alsation] grabbed hold of the smallest dog, named tyson for some strange reason, and started throwing it about like a rag doll! The alsation was on a lead and the bloke who was holding the lead kicked the alsation in the head [cool!] and the alsation threw down the little shitty dog and the bloke and the dog did a runner! $aff The owner of the little shity dog, my neighbour, then went into the pub next to the field to get her husband, while the little dog was lying down on the grass and had become the main attraction of the whole park and people gathered around it [mostly little kids]. Then the husband came out of the pub and walked over to the dog, I couldn`t see what he was doing as the park is quite a bit away from my house. But the husband then picked up the dog and carried it over to there house, and behind them was a trail of blood! Then they took it into the house, the next thing ya know, medalian woman walks over to there back gate. She was quite a bit over weight and had lots of chains and rings on. She walked into the house to inspect the dog. At this point I walked out of the house to talk to my dad, who was washing his car on the pubs carpark and then the woman walks out of the house and says to her very very over weight husband "It`s dead" she says. I then started laughing but my dad told to me stop but I couldn`t help it and carried on laughing. My dad said "You shouldn`t let anyone see you, go into the house". My dad thought it was quite funny as well, and he had a bit of a smile on his face. There is one point that I missed off, while my dad was washing the car, the old woman who lives next door came over to my dad with another of the shitty dogs, and while my dad was and the back end of the car, the old git was at the middle of the car and the dog was at the front which was cloest to me and I saw it have a piss of my dads car! Ha! ha! ha! Never mind dad I`m sure the dog is still quite blood thirsty and will want some more, so next time we`ll point it in the dogs direction. Anyway... $ffa I went into the house and started typing this story. Now everything has died [ha! ha!] down a bit, and everyone is getting on with there lives, apart from the neighbours and the poor old dog.. NOT! And I`ll just say that this is the best thing that`s happened all week! $faf +----------------+ This interesting story was brought to you by |Slipmatt Of NFA.| +----------------+ $ffaAll spelling mistakes (c) Slipmatt/NFA 1996. All information in this document (c) Slipmatt/NFA 1996. $fff End. ~}| )906-DJsAreShite.TXT-]%009-Depression.txt -$afa|1-A Notice To All $8f8|2-DEPRESSED |2-BASTARDS $fffIf, like me, you're one of those people... ...FUCK! Where the hell did Dennis Nordern come from!?! Anyway, if you are one of those people who, when they become depressed, like to wallow in their melancholic self-pity, OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART (I found it in a shoe-box in my wardrobe) I have composed a list of songs that make good listening for those who are "elationally challenged". 1. Death of a Disco Dancer - THE SMITHS The ironic reference to "Peace, Love & Harmony" in the lyrics is a comment on the violence and hatred inherent in society. COOL! ...but maybe in the next world 2. Last night I dreamt that somebody - THE SMITHS loved me If, like me, you're one of those people (DENNIS, FUCK OFF!!!) who hasn't had a realtionship for a while, this song is for you! 3. Driven like the Snow - THE SISTERS OF MERCY Hey, who knows what the fuck Sisters' songs are about anyway? 4. Emma - THE SISTERS OF MERCY Ooh, ooh, I got this one. It's about a couple who've known each-other since they were five, and the lass has always wanted to be a movie-queen. They get married at seventeen, but she never makes it as a star, so she kills herself and leaves a heart-rending letter to her husband (who's well cut-up, I can tell you!). 5. Manic Depression - JIMI HENDRIX Hey, its about being depressed. What more do you need? There are a number of books to read when you're depressed, too! 1. Nineteen Eighty-Four - GEORGE ORWELL The classic "you can't beat the system" novel. The ending's a killer! 2. Prisoner of Fire - EDMUND COOPER About Vanessa, a telepath, who escapes here governmentally-enforced enprisonment and goes on the run, but is hunted down by other telepaths. If you weren't depressed before you read it, you probably will be after! 3. The news - VARIOUS If you want to be REALLY DEPRESSED, just read a newspaper, or watch ITN, life is shit! Boomshanka, aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- )9 06-DumbandDumber.txt-YD#)I09-Eastenders.txt-$ffa|2-EastEnders $ff8|1-The Characters $fff Heres a breakdown of all the main characters in Eastenders. $affThe Mitchell Brothers $fff--------------------- $affPhil & Grant, the bald hard men of the square, Grant runs the pub while Phil (pronounced with a w on the end) is always 'darn the arches' repairing cars (or should that be motors). When ever someone needs their head kicked in, the Mitchells are your men. They both like to think they are loaded. $affRicky Butcher $fff------------- $affThe scruffy twat of the square. Works 'darn the arches' with Phil, and lives in his own world with a constant expression of bemusement. He always seems to be going out with one bird and shagging another, he's been caught out twice now, and his choice of women leaves a little to be desired. $affFrank Butcher $fff------------- $affWell this guy is your classic cockney, comes out with phrases such as 'my old son' and 'sweetheart'. One third owner of the car lot he had Phil burn down a few years ago. For further reading see 'Cockney Wanker' in Viz. $affPat Butcher $fff----------- $affThe fat slapper who smokes menthol tabs, always got some problem or the other acts as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders, in fact she is the weight of the world. $affSam Butcher $fff----------- $affDefinately worth shagging, I think thats all she is there for to add some glamour element to the programme. She has obvioulsly got some medical problem for marrying Ricky, now she fancies him again. Shes also started talking out the side of her mouth, she never used to. $affTiffany $fff------- $affEx-barmaid at the Vic. Worth a shag. She does nothing else except stir up trouble. $affDavid Wicks $fff----------- $affEastenders answer to Mike Baldwin, bit of a wanker, whenever the program starts he is always having his breakfast. Runs the car yard and shags other blokes wives. $affCarol Jackson $fff------------- $affGeneral scrubber, works in the launderetter, and is the classic fly off the handle merchant, goes in shouting her mouth off. $affAlan Jackson $fff------------ $affLooks after Mark's stall when he goes off somewhere. $affBilly Jackson $fff------------- $affDoes fuck all except wash his hands and put his shoes on and go and get his bag. $affRobbie Jackson $fff-------------- $affIf anything can go wrong then it'll happen to Robbie. Been trying for ages to score, but no luck yet. $affRoy Evans $fff--------- $affThe big business tycoon who owns a large car dealership. Living with Fat Pat, conveniently impotent (not a bad idea, methinks). $affWellhard $fff-------- $affRobbie's dog, whenever there a mess then its the culprit. $affCathy - Pronounced Caff $fff----- $affMarried to Phil and looking about 66 months pregnant with elephant triplets, the cushion, I mean lump in dragging on the floor in front of her. Only purpose she has is to serve 'nice cups of tea' in the cafe (also pronounced caff) $fafSod it, this wasn't as funny as I first thought. (Yes it was! Send me the full list you bloody cop-out merchant! - F.) $ffaSee Ya SiEGE $fff *MORE* There's a raging debate going on in what used to be Humberside (you could call it a MASS-Debate, heheh) which has apparently spread to other parts of the country, over who is the most shag- gable bird in the Soaps, see the next article for the list of nominees - WE WANT YOUR VOTES! - F.ed End ):06-GetShorty.txt-ͣ 009-embarrsing_tale.txty-$faf|1-An Embarrasing tale! $fff By Dead Head/NFA $ffaAs peeps may know I am at college and at the time of incident I was 16 and I ( being a well protected child ) had just begun my now intimate relationship with alcohol. And so it was that me and my mates ( who will stay nameless for the reasons that if they find out I will die! ) went out - as you do - on a Saturday night in the hope of getting beer/women or even both. Now on the night in question we were freezing, but due to the pre-pubesent looks of one of the mates we were unable to seek asylem in the local public house ( we now do on a regular basis ). On with the story I hear you cry ( ok so I just made it up ), and so I will continue. Now due to the lack of pub-ism (nice word that) we were forced to find an alternative, that took the form of the nearest offie ( where my mate regularly got served ), and so we sent him in armed with our cash. Now on the said night I had no cash and so was reduced to watching mateyo's purchasing their alcohol whilst I had to go without. And so it was that we set off on our jaunt around town with clanging bag of bottles in hand. But....no sooner had we got 10 yards from the doorway of the shop when a cop went passed in his car, now acting cool as my mate does he stared at the car with his oh-bugger-i've-been-caught look on his face. But unpeterbed we continued to walk on as if we were 18. Suddenly we heard the brrrrrrrrrrrr ( you try writing down the noise of a police car reversing! ), and the cop pulled up beside us. The conversation went something like this ( thoughts are in brackets ) $aff cop - Alright lads us - Alright ( bugger, bugger, bugger ) cop - whats in the bag? us - (what do you think!), errrrr.......be - COUGH - er cop - *as my mate tries yo walk off*, where are you going!?, how old are you? us - 17 (duh!),18,18,18,18,16 but I haven't got any..... cop - no your not us - (then why ask),ok! cop - where did you get the beer? us - errrrrrrrrr........(bugger,bugger,bugger) cop - if you don't tell me i'm gonna lock you up us - Over there! *pointing* $faf The cop then went into the shop to give the owner a good bollocking, but let us go with our beer, and suitably embarrased ( people were watching us ). Thankfully this hasn't happened again. Surely this is just a step in adolescence! $fff END -5u0 X09-erm_thingy.txt-$faf|1-erm....no title! $fff Wahaaay, big finger in the sky, its f*ckin' me 26 36 12 15 46 37, kewl or wot!? look,look see the card 27 46 17 25 48 27 .......... $afa Oh f*ck its not f*ckin' me i'll kill the bitch, oh well thats truly buggered up this article ( well it was a cheap Hale + Pace rip off ), so erm what to do, what to do? ( add sneary lurid comment here ), ha, anyone see that guy on the news who got put away for making those viruses? $aff And that other guy Ray Stallotti ( someone wrote about him in one of the other issues of The Word ), wierd video of that alien, but it was pretty kewl ( it was on Ann and Nick some Wednesday )..........also the Amiga is on THE KRYPTON FACTOR, look out for it on the last round. Erm and thats it I can't be arsed writing any more, byeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! $ffa Designed on my Amiga, witten on my Amiga in my house (where else) $fff Dead Head (who else?) End - ^Ł4A>09-Experiences.txt-$faf|1-The Worst Experience... $faa|1-By Slipmatt Of NFA! $aff This article is about people who have some sort of sexual intercourse and it's all gone wrong. Read on to find out what I mean... $fff|1-Numero .1 $afa First up is James, a 22-year-old philosophy graduate from Nottingham. He cringes when asked to recount the worst sexual eperience of his life. "Which one?" he asks. After much thought, he plumps for a tale he dubs in dread tones, his "T in The Park '95 Shag." $aff "She was this indie chick, looked like Louise Wener out of Sleeper. $bffA bit, at least. Anyway, we got into some seriously horny snogging but $cffcouldn't nip off for a shag as both of us were sharing tents. And $dffbesides we were far too stoned. It finally happened on the Sunday $effmorning, both of us horny as fuck and coming down off speed. The sun $fffwas rising and we found a secluded spot under a tree down by the river. $fffWizz-dick had set in and I wasn't sure if the old chap was up to the $fefjob, but I decided to have a go anyway. Condom went on okay. Then she $fdfwhispered in my ear that she was a virgin and she'd been waiting for the $fcfright guy to take her. This got me going nicely and I found myself $fbfsporting the hardest stonker of my life. Then the problems started. I $fafwasn't wearing anything on my feet and so they started to get cold. I $fbfwas also paranoid about people seeing my pink arse bouncing up and down. $fcfI suggested that we change positions, with her on top. As we shifted on $fdfthe sleeping bag I felt my foot slide off onto the grass and into $fefsomething cold, wet and squelchy. I yelped with the shock but the lady $fffdidn't notice, just carried on eyes closed, having a great time. Straining to look past her shoulder, I saw that my foot was covered in shit. Human shit. I could tell, because dogs don't use pink toilet paper. Worse than that... well, I dunno why but I couldn't bring myself to stop. This was her first time, I couldn't just pull out and go "Ah, man, sorry, but my foots covered in shite." $faf The wizz was keeping my dick pretty solid so I didn't have to think about it, just carried on grinding awy while trying to wipe the shit off my foot on the grass. Succeeded only in hitting the same pile again. I thought I was gonna puke. $aff Eventually I pretended to cum and she fell on me, quivering and moaning in pleasure. I lay back, cold and truly pissed off as she pulled herself off me. Then I looked down at my dick to take the condom off. I'd never fucked a virgin before, or since for that matter, so I don't know what quantity of blood is normal, but this girl seemed to have bled buckets. Christ, it was foul. Cold blood congealing around my balls, human shit cacked between my toes and no chance of a wash for days. I was despairing. And you know what she said? "That was exactly the way I always wanted to lose it." Fucking Hell, glad someone enjoyed it." $fff|1- Numero. 2 $afa According to Will, 24, a nightclub bouncer from Leeds, it isn`t even necessary to be with anyone else. He elaborates: "I was thirteen and just dicovered wanking in a big way, you know how it is, nipping out of class all the time for a rapid hand shuffle, or sitting there with a painful boner if the bastard teacher wouldn`t let you go. I never did it in class, though a few of the kids in my form did, tossing away at the back under their desks, making the girls sick. Looking back, it`s pretty unfair that I was the one that got the reputation. I hated PE. I used to get my sister to write me a sick note, and spend most games lessons walking round the field picking up litter and of course, in the toilets, tossing. It was on one such occasion that disaster struck. I was in the cubicle having a swift one off the wrist, really getting into it going really fast. Tooooo fast. Next thing I know this pain shoots through my cock and I`m on my knees. I notice there`s blood on my hands and I pass out. Next thing I know I`m propped up in the changing room, trousers and pants still round my ankles, with one PE teacher telling me everything`s going to be fine and another at the doorway trying to keep all the kids from getting in. It hardly matters really, as pretty soon the ambulance turns up and I`m whisked away in full view of the school. $ffa What I`d done to myself was ripped the triangle of flesh just under my bellend at the back. Totally unravelled my foreskin. Every so often I hear someone telling the story of a mate of a mate whose bird snipped it with a ring while wanking him. Everyone always laughs. So do I. It is funny, I guess, looking back, as long as it`s not happening to you. Even now I look down at my poor circumcised cock and remember that fateful day, all too clearly. Oof, I tell you, all too clearly." $aaf That`s all this issue. If you have had had any sexual experiences or you know someone who has why not write about and send it to The Word, lets try and make a forum about this!!! $fff Slipmatt Of /\/FA!!! End. ):06-HomeCinemaReview.txt-:I009-FailsafeLotteryMethod.txt-$faf|1-Failsafe Lottery Method $fff By Bolty $ffa 1. Select 6 different random numbers from the range 1-49, and write them down. $faf 2. Get Hold of a 1 coin. $ffa 3. Do not buy a ticket. $faf 4. Watch Lottery draw to check that none of your numbers appear. $ffa 5. Congratulations! You've just saved a quid, while all those around you have lost 1 or more. $faf 6. For extra savings select multiple lines of numbers and then don't enter them. You could quite easily save 10 a week $ffa 7. Spend all this money on beer. $faf 8. Should you accidently win the jackpot, then kill yourself. At 14,000,000 to 1 I think this is a risk worth taking. $fff End  A):M06-RedDwarf2.txt-Z `0 09-Flamabilty.txtE-$ffa|1-An Investigation into... $faf|1-The Flamability of Human Urine $fff By I.P Freely Urethra Franklin B.L Arney $affAbstract - the flammability of several diffrent types of human urine, collected under different conditions, was investigated. Intro - Recent reliable reports have brought the question of the flammability of human (H. sapiens) urine into question (see above). Although the initial response was incredulity, the scientific method required that a careful investigation be made. Methods - Urine from members of H. sapiens, in various states of intoxication, was tested under a variety of conditions: a) each individual was asked to submit a sample in a 250 ml Erlenmeyer flask. The sample was collected under "clean catch" conditions. The samples were tested by withdrawing a 1 ml aliquot in a pasteur pipet, and allowing that sample to fall through a butane powered flame. b) individuals stood at distances between 0.3 M and 0.7 M from a campfire (approximately 8 Kg of Pinus s. wood, approximately 80% involved, with flames ranging from 0.01 to 0.15 M high), and urinated onto the flames. c) individuals (volunteers) began urination, and at a period of time not less than 1 second after onset, but no more than 10 seconds after onset, brought the flame of a butane lighter to a distance of less than 0.01 M or directly impinging on the stream of urine. $fff Results - Table 1 - number of ignitions out of 4 trials. sober tipsy drunk as a lord a 0 0 0 b 0 0 1* c 0 0 0** * - one individual fell into the flames, and his penis caught fire. ** - one individual dropped his lighter after he urinated on his hand, and so only three trials are valid. $ffa Conclusions - under in-vitro conditions it seems that urine is non-flammable. However, in-vivo conditions seem to indicate some small risk of personal injury or indignity. However, the methodology was insufficient to indicate if the injury was due to urine-flammability, or simple burning due to the immersion of the subject's penis in a bon-fire. Although further experiements were suggested, all three remaining volunteers declined further participation. Acknowledgements - we would like to acknowledge NIH-3.14159, and the National Fire Safety Board for their generous support. $fff End ,+*));,06-usualsuspects.txt-;$0 5 09-FTE.txtJ-$faa|1-Fortean Times Extracts $fff [From Issue 84] Typed by Zebedee/Carnage UK I recently went into Plymouth city centre to buy some Christmas presents for the family as well as a copy of Weekly World News. Anyone who has bought a copy of this paper will know that there is virtually nothing in it that can be believed - I only buy it because its a good source of laughter. The newsagent at Bretonside suggested I take a look at another publication called Fortean Times. I bought a copy for 2.20 and typed up some of the articles for you to read and enjoy... $faf Sidelines A street vendor cleaning a fish in the Caribbean port of Turbo on 12 September found `1124' on its side. About 300 people were inspired to use the number in the Columbian lottery and won over one million pounds. [Western Morning News, 16 Sept 1995] Two Chinese soldiers, patrolling their barracks on the outskirts of Beijing, captured a 2ft long, 8lb grey rat with paws like a cat and an 8in tail as thick as a man's thumb. [Glasgow Herald, 5 May 1995] Austrian climber Armin Liedl reported that a stray dog joined his group on the 7,000 metre Aconcagua Andes, the tallest mountain outside the Himalayas. At 6,500 metres, the dog barked his discovery of two lost and sick Argentine climbers, before accompanying the group to the top of the mountain and vanishing. [Brisbane Sun-Herald, 19-Feb-1995] The riddle of five dead sheep found dangling 100 foot up from trees in a New Zealand forest was solved when a pilot admitted they had fallen from his helicopter. [R] [19 Sept 1995] A Ukrainian man of 21 accused of killing a woman and making a brassiere and shorts out of her skin told a court that he did it to calm his nerves. [AP] [6 July 1995] Ireland's tallest man, 7ft 4in Mick Coulter, was unable to launch a non-smoking campaign in Ulster schools after he was sentenced to nine months' jail in the Irish Republic for stealing cigarettes from a petrol station in Lifford, County Donegal. [D. Telegraph, 7 Mar 1995] $afa From A Great Height... A brown shower landed on spectators at an East of Scotland tournament at Craiglockhart Tennis Club, Colinton, Edinburgh, in August. John Paterson said, `I was sitting on the grass watching the tennis when I heard a loud slap. I looked around and my wife Jane's back and arms were covered in human excrement. Several other people sitting near her were covered too. The smell was unbearable - no one would go near them.' At first, the Edinburgh-to-Birmingham shuttle which was passing overhead at the time, was blamed; but stringent checks of the aircraft's sewage tanks ruled this out. Edinburgh District Council, which confirmed that the faeces were human, could offer no alternative explanation and environmental health officers were no nearer a solution more than a month later. [Edinburgh Eve. News, 11 Aug, 16 Sept 1995] $aaf Lambs to the Slaughter a herd of sheep committed mass suicide in a lake in Inner Mongolia on 17 July, refusing to return to shore despite frantic efforts by their Chinese shepherd to save them. Two goats with an apparent death wish jumped into the 1.5 metre deep water, prompting the rest to follow. After a three-hour rescue aided by 20 herdsmen, the shepherd succeeded in saving 281 sheep while the other 249 animals, including 206 goats, drowned. Some of the rescued animals tried to jump back in. Vetinary experts had no explanation for this unusual behiour and an inquiry was planned. [Daily Yomiuri (Japan), Le Matin (Benin), 4 Aug 1995] $afa Animal Saboteurs - those pesky critters have been at it again! The launch of the space shuttle Discovery was delayed from 8 June to 13 July when NASA discovered that two woodpeckers had made 135 holes, up to 4in in diameter, in the fuel tank's insulating foam. Technicians had to move the shuttle from the launch pad so that they could patch up all the holes, at a cost of nearly $100,000. The Kennedy Space Centre is in a wildlife refuge. When the delayed countdown commenced, ground controllers serenaded the astronauts with Woody Woodpecker's trademark snicker. [AP] [3 June, 11 July 1995] The Daya Bay nuclear power plant in Shenzen, China, was opened in February 1994 and supplies much of Hong Kong's electricity. By November, however, it was faced with a major threat to safety as white ants went on the rampage, chewing through everything in sight. The ants had been busy in Shenzen, eating banknotes, invading a reservoir, closing an electronics factory and blacking out a hotel. [South China Morning Post, 10 Nov 1994] A porcupine in South Africa chomped through a bunch of buried fibre optic cables, cutting off a large number of telephones in the Vereeninging area south of Johannesburg. A trail of fragments led engineers to the porcupine's lair. [Ivoir Soir (Ivory Coast), 14 Feb 1995] A squirrel wiped out power to Derby City hospital and more than 1,100 houses when it climbed a power line and touched an 11,000 volt cable in October 1994. Two months later, a possum caused a huge blackout for an hour on Brisbane's north side by crawling into a substation and shorting a 110 kilovolt line. [Sussex Eve. Argus, 29 Oct; Brisbane Sunday Mail, 11 Dec 1994] $ffa Sex Simba A Virginia-based anti-abortion outfit called the American Life League has called for video cassettes of Disney's cartoon `The Lion King' to be withdrawn from sale. League spokesman Rodney Miller said that a four year old boy had seen the letters `S-E-X' take form one after the other in a cloud of dust raised by Simba, the lion, when he jumps off a cliff. The observation was reported to the league by the boy's aunt. "It's kind of iffy," said Mr Miller. "Some people see a cloud, kind of wavy lines. It's hard to see even if you slow it down." With a shaky grasp of English, Disney spokesman Rick Rhoades said that what appeared to be a word was "nothing more than a perception" and that there were no plans to withdraw the video. "We can guarantee there's no symbolism," he blustered. The American Life League also alleges that there are risque scenes in two other Disney feature cartoons: in Aladdin, there is an audible message "Good teenagers, take off your clothes" and in The Little Mermaid a man at a wedding becomes visibly sexually aroused. [New York Times, 2 Sept; [AP] 5 Sept 1995] $faf Strange Deaths Lisa Potter, 21, went for a walk at night with her mother, Mrs Ann Everitt of Witham, Essex. When they came to the Moots Lane railway crossing where Lisa's father had been killed 11 years earlier, Mrs Everitt refused to continue. Lisa went and stood on the track and called, "Come on mum, it's all right." At that moment a train light appeared and Lisa was run over and killed. [D. Telegraph, 10 Aug 1995] An Egyptian searching for the treasures of the pharaohs was found on 5 July sitting cross-legged on top of a mountain, his corpse pecked by crows. Police in southern Egypt were searching the area nea Saqolta mountain in Sohag province for four of his relatives who accompanied him on the treasure hunt. [R] [6 July 1995] A young Danish woman died while sunbathing by a pool in Bangkok, Thailand, when a man fell from the 18th floor of a high-rise condominium and landed on her. The man also died. [AP] [18 Aug 1995] Yiannis Karayannopoulos, 87, a farmer in Oropedio, near Geneva in northern Greece, believed that his cat had been stolen by his neighbour, Thomas Koletsos, so he shot him dead as he left for work on 10 May. Mr Koletsos's wife, Chrysanthi, heard the shot, rushed out and was shot dead in turn. Karayannopoulos then turned the gun on himself. The cat returned later in the day. [AP] [12 May 1995] An Israeli soldier on leave from combat duty was sucked into a giant dough-mixer and kneaded to death at Jerusalem's Mystic Pizza on 2 August. A co-worker at the pizzeria said that Moshe Dor-On, 21, had reached into the mixer to pull up dough from the bottom when he was sucked in. [R] [3 Aug 1995] Farmer Ismail Ayyildiz told drinking companions in the western Turkish province of Edirne that he would shoot out an aching tooth on 8 September; but the DIY dentistry proved fatal when the bullet left his mouth via the top of his head. He was rushed to hospital but died a few hours later. [R] [9 Sept 1995] Hu Pao-Yin, 35, stabbed to death her mother-in-law on Christmas Eve. Her reason for doing this, she told police in Taiwan, was that "I am the most beautiful woman in the world and the existence of other women is unnecessary". Her adoptive mother survived a similar attack. [Western Mail, 16 Feb 1995] $fff If anyone has any newspaper cuttings of any articles mentioned above, I'd love a photocopy of them. Please send any to: Zebedee/CRN, 72 Hessary drive, Belliver, Plymouth, PL6 7DQ, ENGLAND end ^]\[ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA@?>=<;:9876543%u12-IFFAds1.pak-{Y'G0k09-GroupNames.txt1-$faf|2-Group Initials $fff|1-And $faf|2-What they mean $aff|1-To a doctor $fff By Workbench / NFA $aff Well the reason behind this article is that the other night I was sat watching ER, which is an amazing program, well I think so, and anyway the doctors were saying something and well the initials LOC came up. In the language that a doctor speaks this means Loss Of Consciousness, but I (WB) came out with the meaning Little Orange Cabbage, which then gave me the idea to try and do the same for the rest of the groups, but some will have the funny meanings that will make no sense. $faaNFA - No Fixed Abode No Fucking Artbeat - Thought up by Freak / NFA LOC - Little Orange Cabbage Loss Of Consciousness - Real Meaning GSP - Gaspipe Get Some Pills CRN - Carnage Crabs Report Needed GHD - Grasshopper Developments General Health Department ULT - Ultima Upper Liver Transplant TDD - The Data Division The Dick Decreaser SRB - Strobe Slight Rub Burns MON - Mon PD Mum's On Nights CRP - Corruption Concentrated Rusks Powder - For the babies VOID - Void Vanarial Ovulating Internal Disorder FOD - Focus Of Divine Fuck Off Doctor SYN - Syndicate Seriously Yellow Nob - well I couldn't think of anything else... INDI - No Group I Need Dat Injection $fff End k)1T04-AlienBashII.txt- \1,0w09-HadNoSleep?.txt-$afa|1-Oi, Mister... |1-You had no Sleep? By Bootblock/Terraform $fff Having read (red) an article in TW#9 about trying to stay awake for stupidly long periods (<-[does it hurt, eh girls?) as was part of the way through my experiment. The reason why I did this was because my "sleeping pattern" was totally buggered-up and I was trying to sort it out. It was Thursday night and I decided to stay awake all night (I've done this before, normally Friday nights). It got off to a good start ... $faf 1:15am EXACTLY $fffI decided to do this venture. So I put on Talk Radio UK (MW) because I wasn't in much of a music mood. And started coding in Blitz 2. $faf 3:40am $fffHad second thoughts about this, becoz I might not be-able to stay awake. I loaded-up DPaint (4 AGA v4.5) and started to draw some graphics for my new project: Fruit Simulator v4.00. It's a fruit machine game that runs on a Intuition screen using normal gadgets and 8 colours. Lots of features promised ! $faf4:00 - 4:30 $fffLoaded Blitz 2 back up and started adding bits to Fruit Sim v4. Found a bug in the Blitz 2 compiler. If you use Statements - ie. Statement PrintHello{} Print "Hello" End Statement and call them while you have got the Blitz 2 Debugger enabled, Blitz 2 will Guru. This has obviously made debugging a lot harder and I've had to remove all Statements while debuggin', unless I use a custom error handler - which is CACK ! It doesn't give you any info on what happened - it just does what you told it to do (eg. Dump you back to the editor). I kind of found a crude way around this (it doesn't even work effiectly!), after every possibly suspect command, use the NPrint command to print out the line being currently executed - e.g. $fafLINE 1: NPrint "Executing Line #2 - NoCLI" 2: NoCLI ;Remove the CLI window 3: 4: NPrint "Executing Line #4" 5: LoadFile 0,"RAM:TestFile" 6: 7: NPrint "Executing Line #7" 8: NPrint File 0 9: 10: NPrint "Press Left Mouse Button To End ...." 11: 12: NPrint "Executing Line #12" 13: MouseWait 14: End $fff Or summat similar. $faf5:xxAM $fffbugger it! I can't be arsed to stay awake. Off to bed I went. $faf8:00am $fffMy mumsy woke me up (my TALKING alarm clock is broken at the mo'), because I had to go to the Careers Centre at 10:00am. $faf9:57am $fffMy mum had made gave the dog (Hi Rambo! - Yeh Right, as if my dog would be reading this! He'd being reading something more respectable and NEVER EVER tells a whopper... like (ahem!) The Sun!) some chicken, for some strange reason, sometimes the smell of BOILED chicken makes me feel SICK, and it happened this time. Off I went to the phone box with me pooch and told the erotic voice on the other end that I was canceling an appointment. While me and the poochie is stood in the middle of the road (next to one of those crossing things in the middle of the road <--[Hey! This line is almost like the line above!] he walks backwards and nearly gets run over - the dopey shite! $faf3:00pm $fffDecide to go to bed for an hour. Kept awake a bit because thinking of what to add to FruitSim v4. $faf3:30pm $fffThere's a knock at the door. Mumsy answers the door and there's some strange person there asking for Joseph (I think). $ffaOff I go doon ze stairs and have a gander. It went something like this (I think!) .... $affSTRANGE PERSON: Er Hello! I recieved this this morning. STRANGE PERSON: I'm Freak of NFA ! ME : OH Hi ya! (or summat like that) $fafThere was something very wrong at this moment in time. What was it? Well, I looked LIKE A TRAMP ! In my blue (ppfhee!) jam-jams and Puma top. AND YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE STATE OF MY ROOM !!!!!! $fffA COUPLE OF MESSAGES TO FREAK: $fafThank God you came when you did, or else my "sleeping pattern" would've been right up the spout ! It was actually very nice meeting ya! Oh yes. When you gave me a discription of where you lived, I sorta' forgot! BUT I'll find it if it's the last thing I try to find! Or I can just get a Taxi. Hmmm.... Simple. I like them address labels you stuck in the jiffy, where did you get them done ? And you thought someone as wide as me didn't exist !! =} $fff End "\0 06-Music.txt-Q009-Hard-luck-matey.txtb-$aff|1-I'm so Unlucky $fff By aLaDDiN SAnE/iNDi $aff I don't know if I did something appalling in a previous life, or if it's just bad karma, but my life is just one pile of bad luck after another, here, I'll prove it to you: $fff I'm so unlucky... $aff ...that when we used to play Doctors and Nurses as kids, I was always the ambulance driver! $afa ...I was refurbishing my flat, and I went to Darley Dale on the one day of the year that Northern Upholstery WEREN'T having an end-of-season sale! $aff ...that when I had just got my lottery ticket from the newsagents, a giant, golden hand came down from the sky, pointed a finger at me, reversed it, and I heard a deep, booming voice say, "Screw You!"... $afa ...that I tuned in to Eurotrash, and didn't see any naked women or porn stars on it! $aff ...that when I tried to join the national front, they wouldn't let me in. Something about my boot-size being lower than my IQ! $ffa I can't be arsed to think of any more, so fuck off and read some other article. $fff Love and Peace, aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHG&E)B08-RobertAndJulie.txt2-?0 E 09-Hates.txt-$ffa|1-The 1996 Gallup Poll of... |2-aLaDDiN SAnE's |2-Pet Hates $fff A semi-comprehensive list of things that piss me off no end! $ffa|1-I just hate it when... $afa ...your walking down the street and you see an ugly bloke walking arm-in-arm with a gorgeous lass. To get off with her he must have just been in the right place at the right time, so if I'd been there, IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME!!! $ffaNB: I won't give any examples of that one, to avoid a massive slagging match as seen in previous issues of The Word. $aff ...You see your mate walking in front of you in the street, you run up to him, tap him on the shoulder and say "Dick you fat wanker" and its not him! It hasn't happened to me though, honest! $faf ...You go out on New Year's Eve to get blasted and hopefully get a few New Year's Kisses (hey-hey!) and you get eight of them! Sadly, seven were from blokes! And five of those were from the SAME bloke! (And it wasn't me! - F.ed) $afa ...One of your mates introduces you to a farily nice lass, you you get talking with her, but she just talks about your mate ALL NIGHT!!! $afa ...You get dressed up for a night on the town in your best bib-and-tucker, and as soon as you get to the pub/club, someone spills a drink down you! $ffa Okay, so all the examples I gave went along the same theme, but I haven't written an article for ages, so stop fucking whinging, I bet you were spoon-fed until your teens you pathetic shites. I hate the lot of you! $fff Body and Soul, aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- ^]\)B p09-ASCII_ART.txt- 009-HelpingBritain.txt-$faf|2-Helping Britain $fff By BootBlock/TerraForm You want to know how to help Britain? Get : $f8fJerry Adams (wanker), Sein Fien (Mr Towel Man?), Johnny Major, $f9fPortillo, Mary Whitehouse, Labour, Toris, Conservative, Gay Barnes, $fafIrish, Welsh, French, Americans (except for Teri Hatcher), MN8, NKOTB, $fbfTake That, Ultimate Khaos, all "Boy" bands, fashion victims, bandwagon $fcfjumpers, people who "join" the InterNET becoz of the media hype, people who $fdfsay "Information SuperHighway" and muchly hyped shite, the Media, the $fef`people' at Digitiser (channel 4 teletext), Mac Almont and Butler (bent $ffffuckers), Gays ("I'm gay, so give me loads more rites"), Trannies, Bible $ffeBashers, Jehovah Witnesses (What does `Jehovah Witness' mean anyway !?), $ffdPedophiles, Churches (`God' doesn't exist!), Jerry Adams, The French, $ffcAustralian Soaps, Selina (from Neighbours), Annie Lennox, Ali Campbell, Fat $ffbBlack Bitches that can't sing, Homophobes, Alex Party, Anthea Turner ("It $ffacould be you" - like fuck it will!), 1950's, 1960's, 1970's, Americans, $ff9Jerry Adams, the postal service, stamp collectors, train/plane/car $ff8spotters, rappers, Cypress Hill, Chris Evans, Vic & Bob haters, Artificial $ff8Heaters, classical music, Jerry Adams, Americans, scratch cards - although $ef8I still play `em!, PeeCee's, Nostalgia Freaks, Atari owners, Elite 2, The $df9Simpsons, joyriders, crims, people who celebrate Xmas because `Jesus' was $cfaborn - I celebrate Xmas because of the fucking pressies !!!!, Nintendo, $bfbNintendo `Fans', Jerry Adams, Indie, Oasis - these are FUCKING SHIT, bitter $afcchocolate, Rock `music', thrash `music', heavy metal, Acorn, Atari, $9fdSega Master System I & II, tacky headphones, horse jockys, BBC1 & 2, $8feAmerica, Columbas, Boy George, Elvis Priesly (what a CUNT !), $8ffdisk thiefs, femenists, ugly lesbians, Jerry Adams, PeeCee's, $9ffFlimsy plastic cases, people that smoke, Hype, Clichs, SNES, $affcats, snakes, beetles, SPIDERS (eeuughh!), bad smells, eggy farts, $bffrugby, footie (I once burst a windy-popper by kicking it `ard !), $cffleather footballs, girls with _small_ tits, "Do Gooders", NewBury Bypass, $dffBlack and White films, BetaMax Video Recorders, System Requesters, $effknackered disks, daytime, the sun, schools, snobs, Hannah from $fffneighbours, Helen from Neighbours, people who spell "Colour" as $fef"Color" (eg. Americans), block nose, Jerry Adams, very big words, $fdfMexicans, Heart Break High (shitty Aussie prog), A Country Practice, $fcfGoing for Gold, God "Believers", God Squads, OJ Simpson (in my honest $fbfopinion, he is GUILTY !), Jerry Adams, AMOS (Haww, haww!) .... $fff and put them all on a island and $ffa |1-Blow the fuckers up! -->UPDATE<-- $faf Maybe scratch cards should be taken off this list, as I have just won 100 !!! (On the "Christmas Bonus" cards that cost 2 each). $fff Which helped me get that SCSI CD-ROM drive I wanted (175.50) !!! End _`Ůiba`)C09-BBStuff.txt.-Mw0 09-How2Attract-Women.txt-$faf|1-How to attract Women! $fff by aLaDDiN SAnE/iNDi $faf I know that sounds a bit like "Liberalism in Politics by Michael Portillo", but bear with me! $fff I have it! I have found the key to attracting women! I've been watching "This Morning" on ITV about people who are obsessive about football, and all their partners were saying, "Well, I love him, so I'll stick with him!". So, to attract a women you need to be slightly insane, ie obsessive about something. This is how Freak gets his birds. Okay, so he's not exactly obsessive, but he does have a major interest in computers. Now I come to think about it, he is rather obsessive about girlie pictures! $ffa I myself am not really fanatical about anything. I have a mild interest in computers, roleplaying, kung-fu/kickboxing and history but I am not VERY, VERY interested in any of them. On the basis of the activity I spend most time doing, my obsession would be reading. I can hardly walk up to a lass and say, "Watch out, luv, I'm a bit of a goer, I READ a lot!", though, can I!?! $fff Mind you, I am getting a bit obsessive about kickboxing, its all those lasses bouncing around, working up a sweat. What can I say? I'm a green-blooded male like anyone else! $ffa Ever and Always, Body and Soul, $fff aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- )Cp09-Boring!.txt-J" M009-HowToParty.txtj-$afa |1-How To Have A Party $fff By Slipmatt Of NFA $aff Here are some handy hints to remember if you`re having a party: $faa 1) Don`t have one. You`ll be regretting it for the rest of your life, as every day you`ll find another piece of rubbish or a stain you hadn`t seen before. $ffa 2) Keep control of the music. Don`t let the alcoholic headbanger of the party take over or you`ll have wall to wall heavy metal all evening as he gets completley pissed and lies in the garden, still banging his head on the garden path to the Slayer album someone was irres- ponsible enough to bring along. $faa 3) Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house. Grass is easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably cheaper, even if you do have to mow it. $ffa 4) Don`t let any electrical engineering students do the lighting. You could end up electrocuting ten people and blacking-out the state. $faa 5) If you`re going to have a barbecue, make sure there`s someone sober around who knows how to try to work it. Try not to let any intox- icated persons near the gas supply or the matches. $ffa 6) Don`t let people who can`t cook, cook. $faa 7) When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing aircraft, particularly when in the vicinity of an airport. $ffa 8) Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded and inevit- able lull during the early stages of the party when everyone sits around talking quietly. Experts have identified a condition known as Sudden Party Golbal Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and unexp- ectedly stops talking at once, leaving only the loud music and the quiet headbanging from the garden path as the only sounds in the otherwise silent darkness. $faa 9) Try to prevent lights exploding. $ffa 10) Try not to let the aforementioned alcholic headbanger bring along his baseball bat. $faa 11) Try not to let the aforementioned alcholic headbanger and his base- ball bat get into arguments with other guests, no matter how triv- ial or insignificant these arguments might seem to be at first glance. $ffa 12) Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go clubing. $faa 13) Keep your pets safe out of harm`s way. They will probably agree with this. $ffa 14) Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people don`t have to get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in search of an open bottle shop. $faa 15) To deal with the neighbours, either buy them a family pack of earplugs or invite them in to get pissed with everyone else. $fff End. =)2705-AmigaScene.txt-% 009-IHaveTheAnswer.txt-$faf|1-I Have The Answer! By Slipmatt Of NFA $fff Yes thats right I have the answer to everything. It might not be right but I bet it`s better than your answers! If you have a question for me then write to: $ffa Slipmatt/NFA 59 Mesnes Avenue, Worsley Mesnes, Wigan, Lancs, WN3 5TL England. $fff And I will give you an answer and it will be in the next issue of The Word. Here`s some I thought up early: $afa Q. Why is Hardcore, House and Techno so popular? A. It is because this music is good sometimes fast and there is a lot of it. It is also good to dance to, but also make sure you have no DRUGS when listening to this music as you might do something stupid. $aaf Q. Where do they get the red line on the Comfort adverts? A. There is a factory on the outskirts of Surrey which produce these red line for TV adverts by the ton. If your lucky enough to go to Surrey on your hols then try and find this factory as no-one has ever seen it... $faa (This is true, I bought one specially for the "Milton Cleaning Fluid adverts, didn't cost much either, I got a discount as I bought one for the "Red Stripe Lager" ads at the same time - Freak/NFA) $aff Q. If an orange was purple would it still be called an orange? A. If an orange was purple it would be called a fruit. $faf Q. Why can`t my granny pick up a truck like the one off the Quality Street advert? A. The granny off the Quality Street advert is on steroids and has gone through a hard 3 years of body buidling. So unless your granny does this she will not be able to pick up trucks. $afa Q. Is Elvis still alive? and if so does he really work at Sainsburys? A. Yes Elvis is still alive and does work at Sainsburys. Infact I have seen him once or twice although he has shaved off his side burns you can tell it`s him because he wears dark sunglasses and a t-shirt saying "I AM ELVIS!". $faa Q. Does the Gold Blend bloke ever get his leg over? A. The answer is YES. But not the the woman. During the last episode to bloke grew a good relationship with Greg (Cameraman 1). $afa There will be more answers to those puzzling questions of life in the next issue of The Word, only with your help so get writing them questions on disk or paper (disks WILL be returned, only in the UK though unless you send an SAE). $fff End. -{4C 09-Joke.txt-$faf|1-The Gorilla In The Tree $fff By Slipmatt Of /\/FA! $aff A bloke lives behind Chester Zoo and one day he wakes up and see`s this gorilla in his back garden. He phones up Chester Zoo and says theres a gorilla in his back garden and the keeper says "Don`t worry I`ll be there in 10 minutes". He comes round 10 minutes later with a PitBull, a net and a shotgun. The keeper see`s the gorilla sat in the blokes tree. The bloke then says to the keeper "How will you catch it?". The keeper then says "I will climb up into the tree and shake it, the gorilla will fall out of the tree and the dog will bite the gorilla`s town halls (bollocks) and then I`ll catch it with the net". The bloke then says "Why have you got a gun?" the keeper replys "If I fall out of the tree shot the Fuckin' dog!". $faf Lets hope you get the joke. $fff Slipmatt Of /\/FA! End ions.txt-Q3L 09-JOKES.TXTF-$faf|2-RIDUCULOUS $ffa|1-RHYMES AND $faf|1-JOLLY JOKES $fff ( sh*t title I know ) Old mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard, to fetch her poor dog a bone, but when she bent over, rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own. Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised, but when old Macdonald had a farm, he couldn't believe his eyes. Mary had a little lamb, she knew it couldn't swim, she took it to the swimming baths, and threw the bugger in. |1-JOKES There was an Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man sat on the floor. The Irish man fell off!. Q. 3 gays in the shower which is the bravest ? A. The one who bends down to pick up the soap. Q. How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear ? A. Phone him up when he's ironing. Q. Wat is the first thing eskimo's learn ? A. Don't eat yellow ice!!. Q. What happened to the man who went down on the elevator? A. He lost his tongue. Q. What do transvestites do at christmas ? A. Drink, eat and be Mary!. Oh bugger I can't think of anymore, so thats it .........go on bugger off..............well go on then! DEAD HEAD End -й~4D 09-Joke_2.txt-$faf|2-A JOKE!!! $fff By Slipmatt Of /\/FA! $faa ********************************************************* **** This Text Must Be Read In An Austrialian Accent **** ********************************************************* $aaf One day an Australian radio show decided to have a compitition. The listeners phone in with a word that ISN'T in the dictionary and they can explain what it means. The first call comes in: $faaDJ "Have ya got a word that isn't in the dictionary?" Caller "Yeah!" DJ "What is it?" Caller "Goan" DJ "I'll just check that isn't in the dictionary" [The DJ checks it's not in the dictionary] DJ "Ya right, Goan isn't in the Dictionary. But can ya explain it?" Caller "Yeah!" Caller "Go an' fuck ya self!" $fff Half an hour passes and another caller calls to the show. $afaDJ "Have ya got a word that isn't in the dictionary?" Caller "Yeah!" DJ "What is it?" Caller "It'sme" DJ "I'll just check that isn't in the dictionary" [The DJ checks that it isn't in the dictionary] DJ "Ya right, It'sme isn't in the dictionary. But can ya explain it?" Caller "Yeah!" Caller "It's me again, go an' fuck ya self!" $fff End. 0 X09-erm_thingy.txt- Q8   !0M 09-JOKre.txt-$ffa|2-BTEC Blues $aff|1-By JOKre of WILDFIRE $faa Howdy folks! remember me? Well, you probably don't as this is the first article I've ever written. The names JOKre, I'm an avid Amiga user who has just discoverd the joys of disk-based magazines, The Word especially. I have decided it's high time I got into the scene a bit more and so have begun by writing this short(ish) article about my life. So here goes (if it gets a bit boring tell me!). $ffa My first experience with the amiga was my cousins A600. Being a console man up until then I was way immpressed by the quality of the games and the PD especially! I immediatly saved up my money and finally became the proud owner of a brand spanking new A1200. I've never looked back. Things really started to go my way when last september ('95), I managed to get onto a college course in computing (BTEC National Diploma in IT - I hear someone at NFA is doing the same one). It was there that I first met my current crowd; The_Wiz, Blade, Virtual, Deamon, Sorcorer and more recently anarchy and shithead. Together we have totally taken control of the colleges Novell network. Heres how. $faa It all started in my first ever programming lesson - Pascal. Being new to programming I was expecting to slave over the computer for 2 weeks to get it to display "hello". To my surprise I was a natural. So were Blade and The_Wiz. We had soon overshot the rest of the group and started programming our own stuff. My first attempt was a password-grabbing program. Simple stuff really, it displayed a screen identicle to the novell login screen. When somebody tried to login it made a note of their logon and password in a text file and then displayed a message telling them that they were out of memory, and to reset the computer. A reset then bought up the *real* login screen. All I then had to do was take a look at the text file every week and take down a note of the logins and passwords (although I no longer use the program I still have a list of over 80 logins and passwords). $ffa Things carried on like this for a couple of months, with us lot just scraping through with our assignments and generally screwing around with the network. Then distaster struck! We had all decided that the IPX network was going to waste and so oragaised a mass-game of Doom 2. Everything was hunkey-dorey until suddenly Blade was caught! He was thrown off the computer and told that if he was ever caught doing this again he was off the course. Although the rest of us were not seen, it was obvious that the network manager new we were in on it too but couldn't prove it. $faa Anyways, we all got together the following Monday and decided that this time we had got away with it. Big mistake! Blade was told that the head of department had asked to see him. He had an appointment in an hour. We spent the next half hour discussing the story he would tell and then buggered off home saying we would catch up with him in the morning. Except he didn't turn up! Of course we all thought the worst; he'd been thrown out. Then, as if the day wasn't bad enough I was told that the ol' head wanted to see me! I went up there and had a long conversation. it turned out that while I was playing DOOM a member of MITS (Media and IT Section) had been monitoring me! This wasn't too bad but they had then decided to search my partition of the network hard disk on which I had foolishly left my password-grabbing program and various other programs made by The_Wiz and the gang (including some porn which I never even knew I had!). $ffa After one hell of a bollocking (during which I realised I'd had it and so took the blame for all of the programs - what a mate) I was told that this had gone onto my temporary reacord and would be removed if I satyed out of trouble for the rest of the couse. I couldn't believe it! I was free! I left in a hurry and went down to meet the gang. Blade was there too (his bus had been delayed - typical) and we all had a good laugh over the punishment (I wasn't too happy!). $faa These days we have stopped all of that stuff. We have formed the Amiga/PC group Wildfire. This is one of the few Amiga and PC groups around. There is no formatism (well, almost none) and we get along great. Wildfire consists of :- JOKre (myself), The_Wiz, Blade, Virtual, and Deamon. We are occasionally joined by Sorceror and The Bat. As for our network exploits, we have toned down to the more subtle stuff. One of our greatest achievements was an IPX network chatting program which we managed to secretly distribute to over 50 students! The network is now buzzing with conversation (though it's slowed down a bit!). $ffa These days, The_Wiz is currently involved in a project which involves changing the Childrens BBC screen saver to an obscene message over the internet. Blade (who incidently has not logged on under his own name for about three months now!) has managed to give himself, The_Wiz and me systems manager status on the network. Deamon and Virtual (I'm sure there are blokes on the amiga scene with those names, if so it's not them!) are content with getting onto the top of the scoreboard of every machine in Sega World (thats right, we're in Bournemouth) whereas I have started to take more intrest in the Amiga scene (I still love 'em more than PeeCee's), although my presence is still a great anoyence for the college staff. $faa Well, thats it for this month just a quick hello to The Bat (he ditched his A500 for a P60 but he's still a good bloke) and I'm signing off. Watch out for articles from me and the rest of Wildfire over this issue and the coming months!!! $fff JOKre End &%$#"! =): 06-TeleText.txt-  q/@ 009-LameDebate.txt-- $faf |1-The lame debate $ffa Welcome to an other issue of THE LAME DEBATE !!!, and this weeks/months/years/decades/milleniums debate (if you can call it that) is all about the charts. Are they in fact any good, I mean if that Robbo and Jerome shit gets to number 1 then what the fuck is the world coming to!. Most of today's best music can be heard in clubs (?) and so is there really a need for the charts. I want your views!! $fff DEAD HEAD End efgwvutsrqponmlkjihgf#Z)8x05-QuacksUnExplain.txt-1-0) 09-Loves.txtW-$fafIn the interests of maintaining the proper balance of yin and yang in this month's Word, aLaDDiN SAnE has now offered the following; $afa |1-The 1996 Gallup Poll of $faa|2-Things I LOVE! $fff Talk about shortest article ever! I just love it when... $ffa ...I'm depressed (as always) and someone walks up to me acting really chipper and so happy that it makes me sick and then something really shit happens to them HA! HA! $fff Told you it'd be short! TTFN, aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- `0 09-Flamabilty.txte-.N009-MadBeefDisease.txt-$faf|1-Mad Cow Desease... By Bootblock/Terraform $ffaAnyone on the Earth can't have not have seen what's going on with British Beef can they (unless they haven't got a telly/radio) ? I don't get it, the are MILLIONS (or billions) of people all over the world that eat British beef - but there have only been about 10+ deaths (I think). So why are they banning it? Yes, it's true. We have all been saying that the French are BASTARDS, and we were right. THEY ARE ! Yuppo, they were one of the first to ban Brit Beef the FAMOSECOND the controversy (that's a big word!) over it happened. It has been alleged that the beef could've been infected from about 1981. So you have been at "risk" for quite a while now haven't you? McDonalds (fucking expensive for chips and a burger) have also banned it and guess what they've replaced it with .... $aff DUTCH BEEF !!!!!! $ffa Haw, Hawwwww-phuckin'-hawww! Are they ripping the piss !? $afaHaving eaten about 6,000,653 (This is can believe, BB/TRF is indeed a big boy, and I don't mean he's got a big knob!! - F.ed) cheese burgers from this shitty place, I'll compare Britty Beef with Dutch (read "Pansy") "Beef". $fff BRITTY BEEF :- Yummy. DUTCH BEEF :- Very thin and seems to contain lots of `holes'. $aaf I myself won't be giving up beef. Why? Welll, becoz' erm....yeah, that's right. Here's a PHUNNY joke : $afa ST COW: So, what do you think of the Mad Cows Disease thing ? ND COW: Who Cares? I'm a helicopter ! $fff HAAWWWWW, HAAWWWW - I thought it was funny ! See y'all ! End   5)2q05-AlcoholAbuse.txtK-- `0 09-Magic!.txt-$faf|1- The Art of Magic JOKre of WILDFIRE $ffa Looking through Word8 I noticed a few magic tricks. no discredit to the author; they worked, but they were as easy for the spectator to work out as the adult section password at the beggining of the mag! Because of this, I have decided to share with you one of my own. You mark my words, no one will ever work out how you made it look so realistic! $fffGETTING INTO PRISON TRICK! $afa For this trick you will need:- 1 wooden crate big enough to hold person but easy to saw through, 1 glamorous girl with big tits, 1 chainsaw, handcuffs, chains, padlocks and the lark an audiance Every year multitudes of people attempt to escape from jail. This trick will get YOU inside a prison without asking anyone or visiting other inmates! You wont even have to show a pass to get inside the front gate (infact, if all goes well you will be escorted). $faa ********************************************************************* WARNING - This trick is very unpredictable. Depending on your age, sex and previous convictions you may find yourself in a Youth Training Centre, solitary confinment or an electric chair and not in jail. You attempt this trick at your own risk. ********************************************************************* $fff Find a large audience and start off by showing them some basic tricks. After about 10 mins, wheel out the wooden crate (you know the sort, Paul Danials has one every week) and introduce your glamorous girl. Instruct her to lay in the box and seal her in with her head poking out of one end and her feet the other. Next, lock her in and take out the chainsaw (hear the crowd gasp!). Start off by slicing off one of her feet (making sure that the audiance can see the stump). Slowly slice off other parts of her anatomy (exluding the head - it's no fun if you can't hear her scream) for the next 2 or 3 mins, giving time for someone to call the ol' bill. Announce some bullshit about a grand finale and finish off by cutting the box right down the middle. Spin the two halfs around so that they are facing the audiance (wheels may help here) and they can see the resulting mass of guts and intesines. If the cops still havent come pass the time by showing the audiance some more minor tricks (you could even do the previous one again with a volenter from the audience). Hey presto, you should now find yourself in jail after only a couple of days at the most. Unfortunatly, I have yet to come up with the follow-up to this trick entitled "The Great Jail Break" so you'll have to make one up yourself! Finally, remember: A good magician never tells his secrets. So if you get nabbed don't give anyone my name. $aff JOKre $fff PS Dont even think about it!!!!! End 0 5 09-FTE.txt -!.&%$#"! x009-MiscShit.txt~-$faf MISCELLANEOUS SHIT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By BootBlock/TerraForm $aff This stream of text contains bits of shit about various different things ... $faf ICE HEADACHES ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Could someone explain the phenomena behind ice headaches ? If you would like to experience this extremely painful thing, then do the following : Get the biggest "tub" of ice cream you can find. Get the biggest spoon you can find (not including PeeCee owners). Ram the spoon into the tub of ice cream (after you have obviously opened it) and then put in mouth and swallow (if you WANT to get a ice headache quickly, then don't chew/bite) and proceed to do this as fast as you can. SCCCCCRRRRREEEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm ! You will feel like someone has bashed you in the head with a f'kin great big mountain. Hmmm, total hurtage indeed ! $ffa PLOPPY DISKS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ $faaI can't be the only one who has had loads of shit from these things. Who are they so bloody... urm... what's the word? er.. "un-stable" ? These bastards all ways fuck-up, don't they? I have now lost Elite II, Syndicate and SmashTV because they fucked-up, and I didn't have any back-ups. Has anyone got any of these games ? Incidentally, has anyone got the A1200 version of UFO: Enemy Unknown ? I dunno, I don't actually get games, because I lurve PD and it's a lot cheaper (and better in some cases). I sometimes buy games (original) if they look/play good like Theme Park, Pinball Illusions, Super SkidMarks, Elite II, Monkey Island, but I can't stand them anymore. I also don't get pirate games either. But I wouldn't say "NO!" if anyone offered some to me. I'm Just being honest. Anyway, I am now just getting CD PD collections and stuff - if anyone has got any CD discs for sale, then contact me at the address at the end of this text. $fafVIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE (or wotever it was called) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $fffOh me gawd ! This SHIT was on BBC ages ago. Do yer remember ?? It had that awful gobshite-of-a-"presenter". Everything (including the "presenter") was done using graphics. And the "presenter" was a bitch that was always on a motor-bike-type-thing and kept shouting out things like "CAN YOU DIG IT ?!?!? I THINK YOU CAN !!!!!!!" "WWHHHOOOOOAAAAAAaaaa !!!!!" and other shit. I HATED THAT BITCH (and programme) !!!! $affHYPE AND "BUZZ" WORDZ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $fffWell, well, well. You can never escape from hype can you? They are various things that get hyped to hell, like films (NOT "Movies" - I HATE that fuckin' word), console games - and the ULTIMATE hype of the decade - The InterNET. .... hmmm, it's the fkn' media that does this. What's sooooo great about it? Yeah sure its fun and stuff - but its the "Bee's Bollocks" is it ? NO, that's because the Amiga is (obviously!). Clichs are right kUnTs .... $aaf "Information SuperHighWay" "Surfing The NET'" "Surf the Information SuperHighWay" "Get Wired" $faa and much related gobshite. -+- Well thanx for reading ! If you would like to kontakt me for any reason whatsoever, then write to: $fff BootBlock/TerraForm 115 Corporation Road Grimsby South Humberside DN31 1UR $afa I LUUURRRVVEEEEE receiving mail, so send me some ! $fff BootBlock'S THOUGHT OF THE MONTH: Why is belly-button fluff blue, even though you might be wearing something, let's say, black ? End 0w09-HadNoSleep?.txt-'(wo-,+*)( 0 09-Nerd.txt- $faf Could I be the real nerd??? JOKre of WILDFIRE $fff In response to the question asked by Pezz in Word 8 regrding the origin of the "real nerd", I think it may be me. After reading the article I had a long lay-down and reflected on the points mentioned in the article:- $faa Lack of talant in all areas of sport, "Square eyes" from over-use of computer, NHS Glasses Completley neat school uniform, Chess player Passes all GCSE's Train spotting $fff 1) Sport - Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you with absolute honesty that I must be one of most un-sporting people ever. You know the type; always in goal at football, always with some excuse not to do P.E. when at school, always chosen last when picking teams etc. Infact, the only sport I am any good at is Sensi-Soccer (which brings me yo my next point). 2) Over-use of computer - It's true. All members of my family will testify that I spend all day infront of my amiga. If I'm not doing work for college then I'm playing a game (I'm a sucker for Colonization and AB3D). Infact, the only time I'm not on my Amiga is when a/ I'm at college (and therefore using somebody elses computer) or b/ I have by head buried in a book (which only adds to my "Nerd-ness" 3) NHS Glasses - I don't wear glasses, but I used to and they were awful. Thick, chunky grey things (which happend to be exactly the same as my mates - AARRGGHH) that sat, glued to my face. At least now I'm rid of them. 4) School Uniform - You've got me on this one. Although not untidy, my shirt was always un-tucked and un-ironed (when ever I was told about this by a teacher I said that my flies were broken and so tucking the shirt in would be even more embaressing). 5) Chess - Just like your average nerd, I enjoy a long game of chess. I am also not too bad at it. My love of chess has moved be on to bigger games such as Cilvilization and Colonization (great hack in Word 8 by the way) and recently, a game of RISK (which I shamelessly lost). 6) GCSE's - Although not terrible, my GCSE results were not brillient. Infact I only just got into college. For anyone thats interested I got:- $ffaEnglish - B English Lit. - C Science (double 1 ) - C Science (double 2 ) - C Business Studies - D Humanities - D Mathematics - D Spanish - D Design and Technology - F(!) $aff 7) Train Spotting - OK, I'm going to have to admit it; I'm a train spotter *NOT*. Nothing against train spotters, I'm sure that a lot of 'em are top guys/gals, but I myself would rather watch a C=64 load Golden Axe (although I do enjoy a nice ride on the ol' Bournemouth - London) Well, thats it. Off you toddle, toodle-pip, don't be a stranger and remember 2's company but 3 can make a great orgy! $fff JOKre End 09-Experiences.txt-./d0/d0109-NoBirds!.txt-$faa|2-Shock Horror! $fcc|1-Lack of totty reported in $faa|2-Cleethorpes! $f77 By aLaDDiN SAnE/iNDi $affWalking along the front with me ol' mucker Freak, hoping to clock a few gorgeous chicks, we wuz shocked to find... $fff |2-...No Bloody Birds!!! $ffaApart from three paltry thirteen year olds - who were frankly amazed at my stud-monsteriness, we saw nowt to talk about! So we fucked off back to Freak's for a nice cuppa (on account of there being nowt to make me mouth water - F)! $afa Which was nice!!! $fff As ever, aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- 0 09-How2Attract-Women.txt-12"= 65432 0t09-PissOff!.txt7-$ffa|1-AWWW.... PISS-OFF ! $fff By BootBlock/TerraForm $ffa I know these sorts of articles are extremely unoriginal, but I don't know what in the name in arse to write about. So, here goes ... $fff PRAMS =---= $ffa These are fucking dangerous! Okay, I was stood in a tidy little queue holding my 3.95p ready to buy Amiga DoorMat, when this mental cow comes towards this queue at about 300mph and rams me and this other bloke with a pram and fucks our ankles up. Why the fuck did this slapper do this ? What about when there's about 30 of them in the middle of the pavement and the GIRLS just stand that blabbing about someone's arse and BlindDate ? (I don't think the last paragraph was clear, was it?) $fff BANDS =---= $ffa I can't be the only one who thinks this. I CAN'T FUCKING STAND GROUPS (ie. Mn8, Bros, New Kids On The Block, NKOTB, Ultimate Khaos, etc) THAT RELEASE A `SONG' AND INSIST ON STRIPPING OFF AND PONCING ABOUT LIKE DUMBFUCKS. And they grab their gonads and shake `em all over the place. These bastards piss me of a treat, they should be fucking shot. **UPDATE** Take That have split-up ! YYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS !!!!!!! $fff AMERICANS =-------= $ffa It goes without saying, most of these bastards need to be fucking blown-up. How fucking STUPID can you get !?!? Here's a little example ... $fff YOU : What's a Glacier ? AMERICAN: Er, it's a window cleaner ? $ffa (A Glacier is in fact a huge valley type thing full of frozen ice) And the phucking stupid way they `say' words ... $fff ENGLISH Pronounced AMERICAN Pronounced ------------------ ------------------- SOCCER SOCCARR MAN MAARRRNNNN STUPID STOO-PID TUBE TOOB GOD GAAARRRDDD CAR COAAAAAAARRRR MAM MAAARRRRMMMM Plus other fucking annoying words... $ffa Oh, fuck it. Why am I writing this crap ? This must be the most badly laid-out article in the gonadding-world. $fff Bootblock/Terraform TERI HATCHER: Gis' a shag ! BELINDA CARLISLE: Gis' a even bigger shag (chag) !! End T04-AlienBashII.txt-78PӼ:98D009-Predictions.txt-$aff|2-The Future For |1-1996 $fff Using The Special Predict-o Powers Of Dead Head Now I don't have the mystic powers of Budda but I will attempt to make some predictions of what is to come in 1996 $faa 1) The Ultra 64 will come out and will be overhyped. It will however sell by the bucketload. 2) Terry Venebales will lose his court cases and so will be skint. Gerry Francis appointed as England manager. 3) The new 'Power Amiga' is revealed as are the expansion boards for older machines. Amiga Technologies take over the computer world and IBM bring out a competitor which is far inferior and keeps on buggering up. 4) Liverpool win a cup or the league. 5) Man Utd won't. 6) The "standard" for Amiga games rises (possibly to 4mb RAM and 030) 7) Loads of ace games from the like of TEAM 17 will come out. Ex-AMIGA companies return grovelling. 8) I may get a modem or upgrade from a bog standard A1200 9) The BBC sack Jimmy Hill 10) AMIGA haters will all come down with terminal diarrhoa :-) $fff DEAD HEAD "\0 06-Music.txt-;<+V=<0 09-quite.txt-$afa|1-aLaDDiN SAnE... $faf|2-is back!!! $afaI'm not too sure how my brief impromptu haitus has affected the Word - the last issue I read was no. 7! - but, for better or worse, I'M BACK!!! $faf To explain my mysterious disappearance, I have simply been spending all my time & money on a completely uncharacteristic bout of hedonism - I've been drinking myself into a stupor! $afa Look what I've missed, Freak's got ANOTHER bird, haven't met her yet, but apparently I have but don't remember it (no you haven't!)! Freak says there's some lass who wants to meet me - but she has seen me, I haven't seen her, she doesn't realise she's seen me, but she has, but I haven't (seen her that is, of course I've seen myself, Louth is a bit backward, but we do have mirrors!). To cap it all off, Princess Di's got CELLULITE! $faf Well I'll be blowed (if I'm lucky!) $fff Love and Peace, aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- ndJulie.txt->?,;DCBA@? )fa09-SoapBird.txt- $cff|1-Who is the $6ff|2-Fittest Bird |2-in the Soaps? $fff by Freak of NFA $ffaVideo/iNDi started this argument off, claiming Tiffany ("Tiff-Nee") from Eastenders was "The fittest thing on telly" since Sophie left Home and Away, and with Bootblock/Terraform going ga-ga over Shannon from H&A as well, we decided to let Word readers decide who's the fittest soap bird, with nominees from the big four soaps. $fcfThe rules are simple, when you send in your articles (yes, there's the catch!!) make sure you give points to any of the following, three points for who you think is the fittest, two points to second fittest and one to the third fittest, as a giggle you can also give us a nominee for the "Soap Slapper" award. $ffaHere's the list of nominees: $fff ----------------------------------------------- |1-From Eastenders $cfc Tiffany - Dark & Slim, very good looking, bit of a tart. Bianca - Redhead, not as classy as Tiffany, but worth one. Sarah - Cutesy little schoolgirl, gets into trouble nicking for stuff, lovely girl. Sam - Recently left for Spain, currently appearing showing one nipple [sic] in "Loaded" magazine. Cindy - Dissatisfied young housewife, currently having affair. $fff ----------------------------------------------- |1-From Coronation Street $cfc Vicky - Just split with Steve, smart but vulnerable, very nice. Raquel - Barmaid at the Rovers, an oldie but a goodie. $fff ----------------------------------------------- |1-From Home and Away $cfc Shannon - Slim and petite with a gorgeous figure. Selina - Not sure why, but everyone in the soap seems to think she's good looking! Producer's daughter, maybe? Sally - Chubby but with a fine pair, lots to rest your chin on. Chloe - Ex-gruggie, very fit and VERY good looking! $fff ----------------------------------------------- $fff|1-From Neighbours $cfc Cody - Good looks, and a voice that would melt any man. Jen - Smart blonde, intelligent and fun. Ren - Gorgeous redhead, recently left for Japen. Jo - Airhead bimbo, but what a face! Annalise - Fit fitetty fit! Currently in Kays catalogue! $fff ----------------------------------------------- $ffaThose are your nominees, send in your point allocations and we'll show the final score in an article next issue. You can also nominate anyone else you think is a bit of a babe and give points accordingy. $affOne word of note, old wrinklies will *NOT* be excepted for the "Soap Slapper" category! $afaCast your votes! $fffEnd M009-HowToParty.txt2-EF?ZGF009-Suits-You.txte-$ffa|1-Ooh, Suits You, Sir, Suits You... $fff by Aladdin Sane/iNDi $ffa ...and how are we today, sir? Me sir? Radiant, sir. Is this the young lady, sir? Looks like a bit of a goer, if you don't mind me saying, sir. I once knew a lady like that, sir. Went like an express train. Ooh, at it all the time she was. Does she like it up against a tree, sir. Does she, sir? Ooh, suits you, sir! That's a very fine jacket you've got there, sir. Makes you look quite the country gent, sir. Do you like a bit of roleplay sir? Do you sir? With you as the lord of the manor and your good lady as a french maid? Or does she like it hard from behind, sir? $fff |1-Ooh, Suits You, Sir... end 4C 09-Joke.txt-HID$I]3Pg09-Thought.txt-$afa|2-THOUGHT FOR |2-THE DAY $fff By aLaDDiN SAnE $faf "If a fat lass makes eyes at you, she's probably a Shoggoth!" (One for the Lovecraft fans out there, if you don't get it, read 'At the Mountains of Madness). $fff Ever and Always, aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) -EOF- )5 05-JobCentre.txt-J KVUTSRQPONMLKO0d09-Thoughts.txt-$faf|1-The average person has $faa|2-13,927 $faf|1-thoughts every day... $fff The thoughts of Freak/NFA $faa Bizarre article, wonder how many I'll do? What an experiment, will this set a new precident? Precident? How do you spell that? Probably right so I'll not bother looking it up, mis-typed "Looking", retype it, good. $faf Should I explain why I'm doing this? It's an experiment to see if one can control one's thoughts, spurred (spawned?) by a mixture of "that" excellent M-People/Car/Push little girl out of the way of truck/snog woman in restaurant (I can spell that)/indians and earthquakes, better read what I've done... That advert and the bit from that Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett film where that guy in black (Can't remember his name) is supposed to be trained to control his thoughts so that the killer robot doesn't pick up on any nasties. $fff Not doing so good at the moment am I? $faa Kei/Carnage (K.ed of the Word) claims he can type quick enough to get his thoughs down before they move onto something else, I don't think I can... Tap tap tap of keys, picturing Kei sat at his desk, probably looks nothing like that at all! Spelt "Desk" wrong, corrected it. $faf Isn't it funny how when someone says "Think of something, anything" you can't think of anything at all? Like whan testing a mike or tape recorder you can't think of anything to say, probably in case you say the wrong thing, testing testing one two three, that's pretty safe I guess, a bit boring, but safe. $faa Might go see Bootblock of Terraform, nearly said NFA, think I might be subconciosly thinking of inviting him in, he might be a big lad but he's certainly got Blitz under control, had to think of somthing diplomatic to say there, he *IS* a big lad after all! $faf Sez his sister is a bit of a druggy and a bitch, took me longer to type "Sez" than it would have done to type "says", bizarre that. $faa Ex-girlfriend, blonde hair, very pretty, though not as pretty as the girl I'm going out with now, I miss her sometimes, don't love her anymore because of the lies, got to look forward and all that. $faf Dad, not my dad, her dad, everybody knows her dad, he's Ace! I thought he was going to end up as my dad at one time, never mind eh? Things change, got to move with the times and stuff, Pleasure Island this week. $faa Pleasure Island, "No Frills" theme park says Pex, I threw some cold coffee at him once and he went off in a huff, mind you I was in a pisser of a mood that night, heheheheh, I remember it seemed like a good idea at the time, still does in fact, hahahah. $faf NFA and everyone else, CU getting on our backs about piracy, me trying to get on with about four different projects, WB insisting on doing shitloads of crap AGA slideshows, good quality pics, but they're still AGA slideshows, you know what I mean, V12 are up to number 9, I got up to 8, and WB is coming (oo-er) up (oo-er) fast with 5 or something, better format this paragraph... $fff Read the article, type something, story of my life... $faf Done another Balls! registration, ought to get on with B2 really but can't be bothered because The Word 10 needs to be done by 17th of next month, got Prefs screen to do at the moment, must get it registering the mouse clicks. Wonder if Aladdin Sane will come round today? He's off to Pleasure Island with us I hope, if Sally says she'll go too, go on Sal, Go On Lass! heheheheh... Must be a sad life if all I've got to look forward to is Pleasure Island, but that's not true, thougts of my girly again. $faa Signing on, got to do that on Friday, money next week, hurrah! Got to pay Water Rates and TV and TV Licence, not like some I could mention. Hate signing on, should be able to sign off pretty soon (please please please!), pay my own way, not like some I could mention, heheheheh. $faf Bootblock, you're a big fat bastard (your own words), heheheheh, I'm on a roll, I feel happy, don't know why but I'm getting this heppy-time feeling coming up, let's enjoy it eh? $faa Itchy nose, better get dressed sometime today, it's gone 11am and I'm in mah jim jams, just like BB! Who gives a monkees anyway eh? Nobody gonna call round, except maybe Dibs to tell me about Sally and Pleasure Island, oh god not agin, got to stop thinking about that! People who register Balls! currently get a Pleasure Island voucher, god I'm sad! $fff Yawn Stretch. $faf Nice day out, could be doing something more interesting than sitting in mah jim jams typing, my jimmies are cut off just above the knee, smart, looks dead trendy (not!)... $fff |1-There is no such thing as an average... $faf Gotta leave three lines (LUNES???) for that... Beats me how people can't format an article for The Word you know! The number of people who leave only three lines after... $aff |2-MASSIVE $faf ...text is really silly, I thought I'd explained it all? Never mind, I'll just go through it again. This article type on-the-fly (not much room on a fly, I wonder if the fly minds?) by Freak of NFA, god I hate this crappy scene thing, people treat me like I'm some kind of superhero ("I love your work, I think it's ace, please do more, I think you're WONDERFUL!") when I am in fact a dolite with little hope of making it big. $aff Actually that's not quite true, but I'll leave it that as the wrong people might read the article... PARANOIA! $faa Active75, that's my speakers that is, but they're 80 Watts!?!?!? $faf 11:08 and I'm tiring, I think I'll just let it go and you can all go off and read some really REALLY interesting article instead, while I go off and think about Pleasure Island (doh!), my girlfriend, so much better than last week, nice to see you, to see you nice! Mah Lav! Mon Cherie! Aaah, and so it all comes together, I get it now, DESTINY! $aff Bollocks to it all, I'm gonna fill in that application form. $fff Be gone, Freak of NFA end 0M 09-JOKre.txt-WX|5ihgfedcba`_^]\[ZYX"3O09-TwatsAwalking.txt{-$faf|1-Twats go a Walking $fff By BootBlock/TerraForm $ffa Hmmm, Pex le Sex & Workbench went out for a shaggin' sesh, but ended-up finding a "Beer Monster" (never `eard that expression before). (Note from Grimsby - Beermonster - She looks fine while you're on the beer, but a monster when you wake up... F.ed) WWELLLLL ! Me (BootBlock) and Squat (John Hayes - ex-TerraForm) went out for a similar thing, but ended up doing something STUPID. Here goes ...... -+- $faf(This was at about 11pm) It `twas a Friday night, not cold but sort of hmm, I'm-not-hot-or-cold- or-even-warm type of things. I (being the fAt git that I am - ask Freak, he saw what a bloater I am! (He is - F.)) decided that we (me & Squat) should go out and have a piss about. So off we went, while we was a walking we spotted/targetted two scrummy girlies and Squat decided to follow them. We were about 60yrds behind them and started to comment on their arses (as ya do!) and stuff. We got to Nettos (N. E. T. T. O, Who Shops At Net-Toe !) and asked a couple of questions (to Squat) that went summat not dis-similar to this : BB = BootBlock (me!) - SQ = Squat BB: What we doing this for ? SQ: I dunno. BB: So lets go back then. SQ: Noooo... its summat ta do. BB: Okay then .... Then they walked all the way doon Alexander Street and into town and they went into a pub near Pizza Hut. Me & Squat had another (albeit SMALL) conversation : BB: That was fun! SQ: Bollox! Shall we go in ? BB: No bloody way, I'm not !! Anyway, we haven't got any money. SQ: Oh yeh. BB: Lets go to the fountain and fk about. SQ: Okay, yeah! As you can probably tell, we were not using any big words or sentences because we we're scared we would get a headache. So off we trundled doon to ze fountain and had a good chattin'. Well, it was about 11:40-odd by this time and we were totally and utterly bored out of our tiny little peanut brains. And Squat came-up with THEE STUPID idea ... SQ: I know, shall we walk to Immingham ? BB: Wot ??? SQ: Shall we walk to Immingham ? BB: WHY !?!? SQ: For a larf ! BB: Yeh right, you twat. SQ: C'mon, there's nowt else to do, is there ? .....pause..... BB: Hmmmmm... er.... okay, I suppose. So we walked back to my house and had a drink and then walked about 25+ mins and got to the motorway. We crossed it and walked in the middle of a dual carriage way (which can still be dangerous at 12:35am! [Saturday morning]) and crossed a few more lanes. This was when I shat myself. This had happened before when me and Squat was walking past the Boulevard (our local park which was about 2+ mins walk away from my abode). It was PITCH BLACK and we was walking on a turn off road from the motorway roundabout and there was only one street lamp which was emitting a faint glow. While we were walking we was talking all the way and when we stopped talking for about 10 seconds, I saw it. I looked to my right (which was a H-U-G-E waste land type of thing) and saw this figure wearing white walking away from us. He/it turned its head 180 (so s/he/it's head was facing me while its body was facing in the opposite direction) and thought I saw a huge grin on its face. $aaf |1-I STAINED MYSELF There was a very cold shivering feeling going down my spine (just like there is now while I try to remember it) and ... BB: ARRGGHHH FUCK !!!! (while turning my head to face Squat at extreme speed and precision) SQ: WHAT !?!? BB: DID YOU SEE THAT !? SQ: SEE WHAT !? BB: A THING OVER THERE !!! (I turned facing the direction I saw the "it" and started pointing like a mad bastard) SQ: No... WHY ?? BB: DINT YA SEE IT !? SQ: SEE WHAT (Squat was getting frustrated) !!?!?!?!?!? BB: There was a mister over there wearing white and his `ead turned all the way `round and looked at me!!!!!!!! SQ: Huh? ..... Yeh right! BB: THERE WAAASSSSSsss! It was over there (still pointing like a twat)! SQ: Oh okay then! (he sort of believed me but didn't) Well I calmed down a bit while we were still walking BUT I kept getting those BLOODY shivers down me back. On we went to Immingham. We went down some of those lloooonnnnggggggg roads that was totally dark (except for those Cats Eyes things - which I tried to nick by pulling one out of the ground - but no avail) and had fields and trees on either side of them. Everytime a car passed us, I was convinced that there was a gang of skinheads inside it and had machines guns and was going to mow us down on the way past. After about two hours of solid walking and me complaining, I screamed my head off (with bundles of joy!) at the sight of lights and houses. We sat down for a bit. Int' it weird when you've been walking for AGES (sega) and then you sit down, your feet feel like they are expanding? I (strongly) suggested we go back - but Squat was determined to get to Immingham - oh well. On the way there, various things happened. I slipped on wet mud a couple of times. Fell into a bush (which was a result of slipping in the aforementioned mud). Cried. Tripped over one of those Cats Eyes things (those things that are embedded into the middle of the road, so if a light shines on it, you get a nice glinty effect). Farted a countless number of times. Cried again. Got a couple of blisters on my feet. Had a fight with a bush (I nearly tripped over the twat!). Sweared a lot. Begged with Squat that we go back `ome (obviously he said "NO!"). Then... we couldn't take it anymore - we decided to bugger off back home ! And guess what ! We didn't even get to Immingham!!! [B-{ On the way back we went a slightly different route - as it was incredibly BORING walking down a route that looked the same for f'kin ->*_AGES_*<- .... We found a skip full of saw-dust and two barrels, one of oil and one of petrol. Phun Time! $faf **WARNING: WE DON'T CONDONE SETTING FIRES AND STUFF AND DON'T NORMALLY DO THIS SORT OF THING - unless we want a larf !** Squat got into the skip (it had a roof type thing - a bit like a house actually!), Squat is also infact a bloater as well ! =+} He started to throw the (ITCHY !) saw-dust all over the place, he also found a bucket in there too. He filled it up with saw-dust and threw THE BASTARD OVER ME ! After pissing about for a bit, we decided (yes! There are a lot of references to "Deciding" in this article!) to go, so we filled-up the bucket with petrol (as far as I'm aware, oil doesn't set light does it ?) and poured it all over the saw-dust and skip and proceeded to pour all the petrol over it. Squat got out his matchbox (we don't smoke, but he just happened to have a box of matches handy! Hurray for Squat !!) and lit the petrol (I can't stand it when people (mostly children with criminal tendencies) call petrol "Petty") and it all went up! IT WAS BLOODY HILARIOUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who gives a shit anyway, Humberside Council has been replaced with Lincolnshire Council just recently (xx/04/96), and they've put the Council Tax up f*cking LOADS - the tossers! Obviously we ran like buggery. To be honest, it looked brilliant ! (the "bommy" did, that is!) -+- Well, we arrived (much later) near my house (but still quite far) and the time was about 5:2xAM and fuck me backwards with a bit of bent pipe-cleaner! There was a Spar shop open! Yessss! BUT! We didn't have any money, damn! Soon we got to Western School and we were pretty much dying. Squat suggested that we lay-down on the grass for a few weeks, "Indeedy so" I said and hit the ground like only a fat bastard could. $afa We were there for about 10mins and almost asleep! I (reluctantly <- I've never used that word before!) got up very slowly and told Squat that we should budge because we were looking like tramps, laid down on the field like that! I started to walk VERY SLOWLY and tried to sleep at the same time! I managed to take about 6-8 steps every minute or so. Then I peeled Squat of the ground and then we continued to walk (read "wobble") home. -+- The moral of the story is .... $fff NEVER listen to anyone that is male and has a pony tail. -+- End 009-Depression.txt -jk4lk0? 09-Wibble.txt2-$ffa|2-WIBBLE! $fff By BootyBlockers/TerraTwatsAreForming Haaaaa... Wibbling wobbles. Jelly doddles. Chimney on a plate. Farrmmmmers franklins jellies are so scrummy, grEen jelly. Nooo... RED jelly ! Yummy scrummy ram it on a plate. Yes? OOOooOOoOooOhhhhHhhhhh ppoooooOOoooPyyyyy dollops. Schools dinners are scrummy. Crips or am are to americans as chips. dopey gits, crisps to most people, unless mexico's people known as sum-thung else. unless no crisps are available. dunno, maybe it Scully's fault. Angelica Houston, deary, or wos it..... er SLAG.. nop it my books ?? Noo, adams.. so it must be umm... ppaaaAAAarrrrrpp ! Oops, IS there a Gard ? - AArrrggghhrg granited coal settlers tums are soooOoo chalky, balky sicky wicky nicky plicky ticky micky bicky icky ricky eicky qicky GOMPS ! Wibble! end 09-MiscShit.txt-mn{srqpon 0 09-WIERD_SEX.txt-$faf|1- Wierd Sex! $fff By $orcerer & SHiTHeaD of WILDFIRE $faf Howdy, here, is a short list of TRUE sex mishaps which were copied by myself and SHiTHeaD from the book entitled "Wierd Sex". There are hundreds more of these similar incidents in the book which is VERY ammusing or is it just me being sick. ENJOY! A man in California was fitted with a prototype electronic implant by doctors in 1992. This was designed to help impotent men rise to the occasion by remote control. Unfortunately, the 52 yer old patient got a lift every time his neighbours used their electronic car doors. In Louisiana, a surgeon was ordered to pay a nurse 3000 in March 1994 for shooting her in the bottom with a surgical staple while she bent over in the operating theatre. Topless Dancer. Morgana Roberts was arrested for invading a baseball pitch during a game in April 1985. Protesting her innocence, she blammed the law of gravity, saying that she leaned over a fence to get a better view, at which point her 60-inch chest just toppled her over. Her lawyer told the court: "Seven out of ten times if you lean her over a rail she topples over it." Joe "Pootie" Newman was a keen ladies man, and at the age of 66 had surgery for a penile implant. Unfortunately the operation was not a success. A build-up of pressure brought about a series of embarrassing explosions, one of them in a restaurant, and internal bleeding ensued. Three years later,in 1992, he died of a blood clot on the brain. David Wilcox, a 25 year old policeman from Florida, frisked dozens of women drivers, claming he was hunting a suspect with a tattooed nipple. In May 1993 he quit the force after admitting he had a breast fetish. An unnamed 34 year old man in New York squirted a cocaine solution into his urethra to highten his sexual pleasure in june 1987. Immediately after intercourse with his girlfriend he suffered a persistent painful erection which lasted three days before he sought medical help. Soon afterwards he developed blood clots in his genitals, arms and legs, back and chest. After 12 days in hospital, gangrene set in, and he ended up losing both his legs, nine fingers and his penis. A drunk by the name of Mervyn Lilburne, 39, of Ballarat, Australia was fined 200 in 1991 for obscene exposure and damage after trying to have sex with a park statue; the damage was caused when he fell into a flower bed after people started laughing at him. $fff $orcerer & SHiTHeaD End | )1D04-agaCD-REVIEW.txt-tuߑxwvu0 09-WillYouGetThatJob.txt-$aff |1-Will You Get That Job? $fff By Slipmatt of NFA! $aff This is a short guide to help you get that job you want. Answer the following questions and then get the score at the end. $faf 1) What will you wear? a) Rubber pants and a leather jacket. b) Jeans and a t-shirt with the logo "Fuct!" printed on it. c) A nice ironed suit. 2) The interview is at 1:30pm. When will you arrive. a) Not. b) 20 minutes late. c) 10 minutes early. 3) When you get in the 3 interviewers tell you to sit down do you: a) Ignore them. b) Walk over to a picture and ajust it`s angle. c) Sit down. 4) You quite fancy one of the interviewers do you: a) Stand up and bend her over and have sex for 6 and a half hours. b) Fantasise about her in your head and forget about the interview. c) Wait till you get home and then have a good time. 5) You feel your self wanting to break-wind. Do you: a) Fart loadly and say "Get a sniff Of that then!". b) Fart quietly and then when it starts to smell ask "Who let rip?". c) Try to keep it in until it goes away. 6) One of the interviews has a big wart on his face. Do you. a) Ask to female interviewer for some toenail clippers and try to get the wart off like that. b) Keep stiring at it till the interviewer punches you and throws you out. c) Ignore it. 7) You hear some music in the background. Do you: a) Jump on the table and do your John Travolter immpression. b) Start banging your head to the beat. c) STart to tap your foot. 8) The interview has finished. Do you: a) Go to shake hands with them but instead head-butt everyone apart for the women, but instead you rape her. b) Pull out your wart remover and give it to the interviewer. c) Shake hands and thank the interviewers. Lets see how you did... $faf a == 1 point b == 2 points c == 3 points $afa rating 8 & under... Stay in bed! 9 - 15...... Try one of those course things. 16 - 20..... You have a good chance at this job unless your a thicko over 20..... Go for it! $fff End. -y z1~}|{z0S 09-Word1.txt-$faf |1-IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE. By Dr Micon. $fff Nowadays its much too risky to sleep around. What with the likes of AID's , Gonorrhea and Syphilis. So what alternative's are there for those lonely men and women amongst us in search of sexual fulfillment? Well I the world famous sexologist Dr Micon have been studying in the field of sexuality for the last 10 years and can now reveal exclusively to The Word readers the fruits of my research. I have discovered a safe new way to spice up your love life with the aid of.... $aff |1-FRUIT & VEGETABLES! Yes, The Word readers mother nature will indeed provide. For all you lonely men out there, why not cut an apple down the middle ( from top to bottom ) using a knife and if you've done it right you will see something in the centre that resemble's a woman's sexual organs - don't just sit there - Get stuck in and enjoy! For lonely woman out there lets take a look at potatoes - You can get some pretty weird shape's and deformities in the vegetable kingdom believe you me. Take the BBC TV programme "That's Life" presented by Esther Rantzen, people regularly send in various miss-shapen potatoes that happen to resemble men's private parts! So why do you think Esther always looks so happy? Maybe she too has discovered the joys of organic orgasms! Bananas can be used by women & men alike to gain sexual fulfillment - an added bonus being that you can eat them afterwards! Lets not forget married couples whose love lives may be flagging. They would be amazed at the difference taking a few turnips to bed with them can make. If you prefer dirty sex why not simply empty a bag of unwashed King Edwards into your bed? Incidentally I know of a young couple in London who run a business selling jam. They sell thousands of jars a week, but if the customers ever found out how the delicious flavours were achieved I don't think they would be too pleased! It brings a whole new meaning to the term "jam sandwich!" $faa |1-EXPERIMENT! Why not lay various fruit & Vegetables out on your bed in the shape of your dream lover? A cabbage for a face, two succulent juicy water melons for breasts, ( Or maybe 2 grapes if its supposed to be Kylie Minogue ), a sack of spuds for the torso ( ala Russel Grant! ) and a ripe succulent hollowed out beetroot will suffice for the sexual organs ( ala Pex Le Sex ) and finally 4 cucumbers for the legs. The possibilities are indeed endless. Just think... $afa De flowering a cauliflower! Ravishing a Radish! Pumping away at a pert Pumpkin! Swallowing a rotten sprout, roots and all! Squeezing a pair of young tender nectarines in the privacy of you own home! $aff Although when using certain fruits you must be careful and take things slowly, I know of a man who got a bit carried away with a pineapple and even today after numerous operations, he still cannot walk in a straight line. So for beginners at least, it's best to stick to the soft fruits, or to use the correct term those of the "Soft Core" variety. But how do I purchase these products you ask? I myself recently went into a local greengrocers and asked for 2 cucumbers & a tub of strawberries and you should have seen the looks I got! The greengrocer said "Well It looks like your in for a good night tonight!" So in order to avoid embarrassment maybe its best to buy your fruit and vegetables separately from various greengrocers or even from supermarkets where the check out girls will probably be too busy to notice your purchases. As a last resort you can always say something like "Two cucumbers please! - One for me and one for Miss Edwards, my elderly housebound neighbour." Although I have noticed some disturbing elements creeping onto the scene, the growth in popularity of magazines such as "Swedish Seedlings Cat." Although most people in the UK would find this foreign muck disgusting. I think it is only a matter of time before the UK government cracks down on the importation of this filth. I much prefer to read the more tasteful British magazines such as Gardeners World & the Fisons range of fruit & veg catalogues are particularly popular as these can be purchased discreetly via mail order. $faf Some of the benefits of Fruity fun. $faa No danger of pregnancy. Low risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Many fruits and vegetables contain generous amounts of vitamins and minerals essential to good health. Why do you think all those old men spend hours down at their allotments each day? What is Grandad up to in the garden shed? And just why is the greenhouse always steamed up? I think you readers will agree that the evidence is there for us all to see. And finally an important message to Mr Pipkin from Southampton - I am terribly sorry about your injuries, but there seems to have been a terrible misunderstanding between your wife and I. When I told your wife to pull the skin back until it tears - I was of course referring to the banana skin. $afa |1-THE END. $fff Or maybe its only the beginning, eh fewers! (C) Micon 1996. End :98D009-Predictions.txt-1 &0 09-Word2.txt-$aaf|1-EXCLUSIVE NEWS! $fff By Micon. $afa Here`s some of the more memorable stories recieved by the Exclusive News! news agency during the past year. $faf NEWS READER INJURED IN BIZZARRE SEXUAL PRACTICE. Regional news presenter Sally Barnett was last night recovering in hospital after falling 20ft from a chandelier. Sally, 34, blamed the accident entirely on her boyfriend, news editor Bob Wheaton, "If he hadnt frightened the donkey with the coat hangers," sobbed an embarrassed Sally, "it would never have happened!" $faa BURNT DIAMOND SHOCKER! $ffa The chairman of the BBC, Sir Marmaduke Hussey, is furious after a spoof job vacancy slipped through the net and was accidentally published in an internal BBC magazine. The advert reads as follows. $aff - "A female presenter is required to co-host an early morning magazine programme. The suitable candidate must have an inane grin, possess the ability to get on peoples nerves and be teeth gratingly sugary sweetie with the general demeanour of a comatose chimpanzee. A salary of 90k pa is available for the best candidate. Mark your envelope "Anne Diamond replacement". $faf Anne Diamond upon seeing the above was heard to say "Scree! Screeek! Pop! Hiss... Urp!" before spontaneously combusting in a ball of flames. $fff BLOBBY WOBBLE BLOB! $afa The head of the BBC, John Birt, was left fuming yesterday after news leaked out that Mr Blobby is to get his own TV series. Exclusive News! reporter Winifrid Pilchard captured the historic moment using a hidden microphone. There now follows a transcript of that meeting. $faa Mr Birt - "Although personally I find your "custard pie in the face" brand of humour too intellectually stimulating, the fewers seem to like you, so I'm willing to give you your own TV series." $aaf Blobby - "Blob!" $aff Mr Birt - "On one condition... You ditch that naff Edmonds bloke." $fff ITS ALL A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS! $ffa It has just been revealed that Exclusive News! is a pack of lies. As a scene insider, namely Ratface of the Bagsnatchers, revealed: "Its just some daft ada trying to bring some tabloid sensationalism to the pages of The Word." $aaf Exclusive News! editor Micon was last night unavailable for comment having apparently been abducted by sex mad aliens from the planet Orgasmotron. Full details in next issue's Exclusive News! $afa (C) Micon 1996. $fff End DCBA@? )fa09-SoapBird.txt-1 0 09-Word3.txt-$faf|1-UNDER MY BED. $fff By Micon. $faa Heres a detailed list of the stuff found, quite literally, under my bed. 1 Old pair of Reebock Classic running shoes minus rubber soles. 1 pair of pliers. 1 box (Allercan) containing old remote control, old bits of headphones, 5 screwdrivers, 1 broken scissors, boxed Knightlore game for Spectrum, various mags including Ace, The One, CU Amiga, New Computer Express, Igor comic & lots of dust. (cough!) 1 box (Danish Bacon) containing a ZX Spectrum power supply, a knackered KISHO radio / cassette ( that I got whilst on a Y.T.S.), a Dixons TR30 cassette recorder ( that I purchased to load Dynamite Dan. ) Powerplay multicoloured Cruiser joystick box itself containing a Camping Gaz stove. 1 box ( DP Cast Iron Barbell/Dumbell set ) containing broken The The "Soul Mining" cassette ( the tape now resides in a much sturdier Brax Bluff cassette housing ), an angle poise lamp, lots of nuts, screws and dumbbell / barbell collars and lots, lots more dust. (cough!) 1 empty box (A1200 magic pack ) 1 empty box (Panasonic KXP 1123 printer) 1 Carrier bag ( Burton ) containing rancid Italy 90 T-shirt ( One of 3 that I won in a Your Sinclair compy ), World Gym leggings, loads of old socks & Boxer shorts. 1 bin back containing ripped Sky TV / Bart Simpson T-shirt, 2 old pairs of jeans, 1 pair of brand new climbing boots (Size 7). old black t shirt, old socks. 1 plastic bag (pillow case thingy) containing York leg extension bar, knackered chest expander, old tennis raquet, 2 X barbell bars, bits of wood. And finally a pile of magazines including Micro Mart, Zit comic, Future Music, CU Amiga &... Amiga Format. (Now that last item really is disgusting!) $fff End `0 09-Flamabilty.txtE-*s> U0 R09-wotnosleep.txt-$afa Wot no Sleep - I`ve started something here! a knackered article by $faa |1-Mammoth/Syndicate $aaf Oo-er what have I done, I stay awake for 60 hours, do an article and suddenly everyone is at it to see if you really do hallucinate and start doing things at will because you are overtired. A guy from Carnage has done it, Freak is giving it a go, who is next? Will we have a staying-awake-the-longest contest? (Not a bad idea), if you are going to try it you need a lot of will power, the first night is not too bad provided you are concentrating and have something to do, but it is the second night I found to be the real killer. If you are thinking of doing something like this its best to have something to be focused on during the night because bordom soon sets in and tiredness catches up. Try playing a game from start to finish, watch some demos perhaps, do some articles, or code a game. The second night I played Armalyte and Citadel (I think) on my C64, the reason for this is that I knew they would take about eight to ten hours to complete and I needed the challenge to keep me awake. It takes some doing though believe me, because after a while your vision goes blurd, I.E when you turn your head your vision takes a split-second to catch up. My frustration level was higher too, I.E playing Citadel I lost a life and my temper nearly went, it took a while for me to calm down. I asked a friend who`s wife is a nurse about staying awake too long for a prolonged period and she said that the person could soon suffer from Narcolepsy in the coming weeks. This is a strange "disease" that the sufferer just falls asleep without warning, I`ve never suffered from this but there were times after I stayed awake for 60 hours that I got really tired without warning and had to have a kip for an hour. Apparently its the brain catching up with the loss that it suffered through the prolonged period without rest. I stay awake most of the night now anyway, I can go to sleep about 4am and get up about four hours later without too much problem, its just at weekends I wake up about two in the afternoon, which is a bummer if you have to be in Ipswich at 3:00 pm! $faf Yours listening to Feel the Noize (Oasis version) Mammoth/Syndicate $ddd ENd 009-Suits-You.txte-Ղ4010-A-ZF1Drivers.txte-$faf|1-THE A-Z OF FORMULA ONE DRIVERS |1-PAST AND PRESENT $fff By Koffin Blood / Syndicate Are there any F1 motor racing fans out there? How many of the following formula 1 drivers can you remember? NAME NATIONALITY BORN DIED ---- ----------- ---- ---- A - Michele Alboreto Italian 1956 Jean Alesi French 1964 Philippe Alliot French 1954 Chris Amon New Zealander 1932 Mario Andretti American 1940 Michael Andretti American 1962 Rene Arnoux French 1948 Peter Arundell British 1933 Alberto Ascari Italian 1918 1955 Richard Attwood British 1940 B - Giancarlo Baghetti Italian 1934 Julian Bailey British 1961 Maura Baldi Italian 1954 Lozenzo Bandini Italian 1935 1967 Rubens Barrichello Brazilian 1972 Jean Behra French 1921 1959 Derek Bell British 1941 Stefan Bellof German 1957 1985 Jean-Pierre Beltoise French 1937 Gerhard Berger Austrian 1959 Eric Bernard French 1964 Lucien Bianchi Belgian 1934 1969 "B Bira" Thai 1914 1985 Mark Blundell British 1966 Raul Boesel Brazilian 1957 Felice Bonetto Italian 1903 1953 Joakim Bonnier Swedish 1930 1972 Slim Borgudd Swedish 1946 Thierry Boutsen Belgian 1957 David Brabham Australian 1965 Jack Brabham Australian 1926 Vittorio Brambilla Italian 1937 Tony Brise British 1952 1975 Chris Bristow British 1937 1960 Tony Brooks British 1932 Martin Brundle British 1959 Ronnie Bucknum American 1936 1992 C - Alex Caffi Italian 1964 Ivan Capelli Italian 1963 Eugenio Castellotti Italian 1930 1957 Johnny Cecotto Venezuelan 1956 Francois Cevert French 1944 1973 Eddie Cheever American 1958 Louis Chiron Monegasque 1899 1979 Jim Clark British 1936 1968 Peter Collins British 1931 1958 Erik Comas French 1963 David Coulthard British 1971 Piers Courage British 1942 1970 D - Yannick Dalmas French 1961 Derek Daly Irish 1953 Christian Danner German 1958 Elio de Angelis Italian 1958 1986 Andrea de Cesaris Italian 1959 Emmanuel de Graffenried Swiss 1914 Alfonso de Portago Spanish 1928 1957 Patrick Depailler French 1944 1980 Martin Donnelly British 1964 Mark Donohue American 1937 1975 Johnny Dumfries British 1958 E - Guy Edwards British 1942 Vic Elford British 1935 Harald Ertl Austrian 1948 1982 Philippe Etancelin French 1896 1981 F - Teo Fabi Italian 1955 Luigi Fagioli Italian 1898 1952 Juan Manuel Fangio Argentinian 1911 Jack Fairman British 1913 Giuseppe Farina Italian 1906 1966 Christian Fittipaldi Brazilian 1971 Emerson Fittipaldi Brazilian 1946 Wilson Fittipaldi Brazilian 1943 Ron Flockhart British 1923 1962 George Follmer American 1934 Heinz-Harald Frentzen German 1967 G - Bertrand Gachot Belgian 1962 Howden Ganley New Zealander 1941 Oliver Gendebien Belgian 1924 Peter Gethin British 1940 Piercarlo Ghinzani Italian 1952 Bruno Giacomelli Italian 1952 Richie Ginther American 1930 1989 Ignazio Giunti Italian 1941 1971 Froilan Gonzalez Argentinian 1922 Masten Gregory American 1932 1985 Olivier Grouillard Colombian 1958 Mauricio Gugelmin Brazilian 1963 Dan Gurney American 1931 H - Mike Hailwood British 1941 1981 Mika Hakkinen Finnish 1968 Mike Hawthorn British 1929 1959 Brian Henton British 1946 Johnny Herbert British 1964 Hans Herrmann German 1928 Damon Hill British 1960 Graham Hill British 1939 1975 Phil Hill American 1927 Denny Hulme New Zealander 1936 1992 James Hunt British 1947 1993 I - Jacky Ickx Belgian 1945 Innes Ireland British 1930 1993 Eddie Irvine British 1965 J - Jean-Pierre Jabouille French 1942 Jean-Pierre Jarier French 1946 Stefan Johansson Swedish 1956 Alan Jones Australian 1946 K - Ukyo Katayama Japanese 1963 Rupert Keegan British 1955 Karl Kling German 1910 L - Jacques Laffite French 1943 Jan Lammers Dutch 1956 Pedro Lamy Portuguese 1972 Nicola Larini Italian 1964 Niki Lauda Austrian 1949 JJ Lehto Finnish 1966 Stewart Lewis-Evans British 1930 1958 Guy Ligier French 1930 Lella Lombradi Italian 1943 1992 John Love Rhodesian 1924 Brett Lunger American 1945 M - Bruce McLaren New Zealander 1937 1970 Tony Maggs South African 1937 Nigel Mansell British 1953 Willy Mairesse Belgian 1928 1969 Robert Manzon French 1917 Onofre Marimon Argentinian 1932 1954 Pierluigi Martini Italian 1961 Jochen Mass German 1946 Arturo Merzario Italian 1943 Robert Mieres Argentinian 1924 John Miles British 1943 Stefano Modena Italian 1963 Gianni Morbidelli Italian 1968 Roberto Moreno Brazilian 1959 Stirling Moss British 1929 Luigi Musso Italian 1924 1958 N - Satoru Nakajima Japanese 1953 Alessandro Nannini Italian 1959 Gunnar Nilsson Swedish 1948 1978 O - Jackie Oliver British 1942 P - Carlos Pace Brazilian 1944 1977 Jonathon Palmer British 1956 Olivier Panis French 1966 Mike Parkes British 1931 1977 Reg Parnell British 1911 1964 Riccardo Patrese Italian 1954 Henri Pescarolo French 1942 Ronnie Peterson Swedish 1944 1978 Nelson Piquet Brazilian 1952 Didier Pironi French 1952 1987 Emanuele Pirro Italian 1962 Alain Prost French 1955 Tom Pryce British 1949 1977 David Purley British 1945 1985 Q - R - Hector Rebaque Mexican 1956 Brian Redman British 1937 Clay Regazzoni Swiss 1939 Carlos Reutemann Argentinian 1942 Peter Revson American 1939 1974 Jochen Rindt Austrian 1941 1970 Pedro Rodriguez Mexican 1940 1971 Ricardo Rodriguez Mexican 1942 1962 Keke Rosberg Finnish 1948 Louis Rosier French 1905 1956 S - Luis Perez Sala Spanish 1959 Eliseo Salazar Chilean 1954 Roy Salvadori British 1922 Consalvo Sanesi Italian 1911 Ludovico Scarfiotti Italian 1933 1968 Ian Scheckter South African 1947 Jody Scheckter South African 1950 Harry Schell American 1921 1960 Tim Schenken Australian 1942 Michael Schumacher German 1969 Ayrton Senna Brazilian 1960 1994 Chico Serra Brazilian 1957 Johnny Servoz-Gavin French 1942 Jo Siffert Swiss 1936 1971 Raymond Sommer French 1906 1950 Mike Spense British 1936 1968 Jackie Stewart British 1939 Rolf Stommelen German 1943 1983 Philippe Streiff French 1955 Hans-Joachim Stuck German 1951 Marc Surer Swiss 1952 John Surtees British 1934 Aguri Suzuki Japanese 1960 T - Patrick Tambay French 1949 Gabriele Tarquini Italian 1962 Piero Taruffi Italian 1906 1989 Trevor Taylor British 1936 Mike Thackwell New Zealander 1961 Maurice Trintignant French 1917 U - V - Jos Verstappen Dutch 1972 Gilles Villeneuve Canadian 1950 1982 Jacques Villeneuve Canadian 1971 Luigi Villoresi Italian 1909 Wolfgang von Trips German 1928 1961 W - Derek Warick British 1954 John Watson British 1946 Karl Wendlinger Austrian 1968 Ken Wharton British 1916 1957 Peter Whitehead British 1914 1958 Roger Williamson British 1948 1973 Manfred Winkelhock German 1952 1985 Reine Wisell Swedish 1941 X - Y - Z - Alessandro Zanardi Italian 1966 By Koffin Blood / Syndicate End I]3Pg09-Thought.txt-^=010-ARSENal.txt-$ffa|1-ArSeNaL FoOtBaLl ClUb $fff FOr YOur PleASure By Drifter/iNDi $faf AdDrEsS :- Highbury Stadium Avenell Road Highbury North London N5 1BU ReCoRd CrOwD :- 73 295 StAdIuM CaPaCiTy :- 47,193 YeAr FoRmEd :- 1886 CoLoUrS :- Red shirts with white sleeves, White shorts and red and white hooped socks JoInEd LeAgUe :- 1893 Elected to division 2 HoNoUrS :- Division 1 champions: 1930-31, 1931-32,1932-33,1933-34,1937-38, 1947-48,1952-53,1970-71,1988-89, 1990-91. F.A.Cup winners:1930,1936,1950, 1971,1979,1993. League Cup winners: 1987, 1993. European Fairs Cup (UEFA) Cup winners: 1970 European 'Cup Winners Cup' winners: 1993. $faaEnjoyed their most successful period in the 1930s when they won five First Division titles and the FA Cup twice. The appointment of Herbert Chapman as manager in 1925 transformed them, though he died in 1934 and was unable to see his work complete. In 1970-71 they achieved the League and Cup double, while their ninth Championship came after a dramatic last match in 1988-89. They won 2-0 at Liverpool to wrest the title by the closest of margins: more goals scored after both teams had finished with the same points and goal difference. $fff End -rJ  0&10-Bonetti.txt-$aff|1-Grimsby Town Football Club $fff|1-The $aff|2-Bonetti Fund $fff By Ryan Brett/iNDi $aaf No player ever to arrive at Blundell Park has ever created such a stir among the fans as recent signing Italian Ivano Bonetti. Ivano captured the hearts of the Grimsby public after originally being signed on loan from Italian league side Torino by Grimsby Town manager Brian Laws. After a couple of dazzling performances for the Mariners, Bonetti soon became an idol among the fans and players alike and the club were eager to make his stay at Blundell Park a permanent arrangement. Manager Brian Laws and assistant Kenny Swain began negotiation with Ivano Bonetti to keep his services at Blundell Park until at least the the end of the season. However, despite the clubs desperate measures, it looked as if Ivano would be playing his last game for Grimsby Town against public enemy number one West Brom and Alan Buckley, Grimsby's former manager. IvanoBonetti stepped onto the hallowed turf at Blundell Park to a hero`s reception for what everyone believed was his last ever appearance for the club. He had not scored for the Mariners in his previous games and fittingly in a one - nil victory he scored a winning goal into the corner of the net at the Pontoon end, as Blundell Park erupted with joy Ivano celebrated with the players and the manager. After the final whistle Ivano went on a lap of honour around the ground, fans invaded the pitch they hoisted their hero high up in the air. The problem in signing Bonetti was not with Ivano himself but with the American company who owned Bonetti`s image. They wanted a signing on the fee of 100,000 which was beyond the means of Grimsby Town, this is when the "Bonetti Fund" was launched. Ivano himself desperately wanted to stay at Blundell Park and so he donated 50,000 of his own money and supporters were asked to raise the remaining amount. Donation boxes were positioned at various places around the ground and the fans were asked to donate what they could. Raffle tickets were sold and the proceeds all went towards the fund. The whole community were pulling together to raise the total amount. The total fund has now been raised and Ivano`s love affair with Grimsby Town is now set to continue. |1-But then the infamous punch-up happened... $fff To be continued =============== End  -i]010-CricketFact.txt-$ffa|1-Spot the $ff8|2-Odd One Out: $fff By PeX le SeX/iNDi England Sri Lanka West Indies and Holland $faf|1-That's right Three are good cricket teams, and the other is captained by Mike Atherton... $fff On the Cricket Subject ====================== $faf I thought that Sri Lanka deserved to win the World Cup as they were by far the most entertaining of the teams, and as for England they are actually a good team, but they just don't seem to play well together. With players like Atherton (batting, not a big fan of his captaincy), Hick, Thorpe, Robin Smith there are plenty of talented batsmen, and Cork, Gough and Malcolm bowling are all class players, and also Jack Russell behind the sticks. We need a class spinner (like Tufnell, but with a chance to get into the team, as he won't as he is a bad boy as far as the selection party goes as he makes a fuss when touring) and another class bowler to become a force again, and a bit of confidence as there is nothing like success to breed success is there? Another silly quickity-quick article typed up by fatty PeX... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The future's bright, the future's ORANGE, and so is my car!! $faa ______ ._____ ____ ____ \____\ ___/_ \ \/ / .__`/ \ __/ \ \_ _/ | _____/ \ / \ | l________\/___/\___\ `--' .___. ._____ ___/_ | _l_ | __/ \ | / \ | \ l______\l_Shai___\ ____ ._____ ____ ____ / __/_ ___/_ \ \/ / \____\ | __/ \ \_ _/ / l \| \ / \ /________/l________\/___/\___\ End 009-HelpingBritain.txt-Ş0{ 10-famous.txt-$faa|1-Markie`s on |1-Telly again!! $fff an egotistical article by $faa |1-Mammoth/Syndicate $fffThis last weekend I was on telly again, albeit in the crowd at Ipswich V Aston Villa but my fat form found the fortitious frame again, its not the first time as well. $faa Blackburn V Ipswich 12/4/93 $fff I was interviewed by Sky Sports up at Ewood Park prior to the game, myself and three mates had gone up there to see the match on a Monday night and we were walking to the ground when Matt Lorenzo spots us and asks us a few questions. It was shown before the match, I couldnt move in the North Stand the next home match, fame at last! $faa Ipswich V Norwich a week later $fff I was interviewed by Look East outside the stadium an hour before kick off, I was asked how important the game was and my reply was... "I would rather lose my job than lose to Norwich, its that important to us Ipswich fans" The Town fans behind me cheered and started singing loudly so I joined in, incidentally, the song was "2-0, we beat the scum 2-0". $faa Wimbledon V Ipswich, October 1993 $fff This was more my flag than me, at the time I used to take a large Ipswich bedspread to away matches, and it was next to mates St.George flag, its just that the camera stayed on it for twenty odd seconds, enough time for me to pull funny faces. (Incidentally if anyone has that on video let me know, cos I`ve lost my copy). $faa and more recently.... $fff Charlton V Ipswich, 2/12/95 $faa After Ian Marshalls goal, see the bloody great St. George flag behind the goal? Thats mine that is! Plus.... $fff Ipswich V Leicester 3/3/96 $faa Ian Marshall scores the fourth, runs to the massed ranks in the North Stand, theres me in the green away shirt at the front being squashed! Just goes to prove, if you want to be famous get a season ticket in the front row behind the goal, bingo, instant telly recognition. You can tell your mates you are on telly every week, you get famous, people say "I saw you behind the goal on telly last week", its great fun and good for the ego. (Not that mine needs boosting). $fff End ]\[ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA@?>=<;:9876543%u12-IFFAds1.pak-{ pr010-FootballCliches.txt-$faa|1-Football Cliches. $faf Here are a few phrases that players/managers and pundits come out with week in week out on match of the day or whatever. 1. Well, we set our stall out. 2. All credit to them 3. We kept plugging away. 4. Obviously ...... AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH !!!!! 5. He'll be dissapointed with that. 6. It was always going over/wide. I can't think of any more, but you just watch out for the above on saturday night. $fff SiEGE End PE C10-FootyTalk.txt-|1-PeX le SeX's views on |2-Football |1-The Best game in The World By PeX le SeX/iNDi I think that people underestimate the Endsleigh League players. Much has been documented about this so called split in skills, but I don't think that the split is that big. I can think of plenty of really classy players in the lower leagues that would get into a Premiership team, and even ones that are way better than the so called Top league. Everyone seems to have forgotten that it is still only the old "Division 1", with a new name, not a super-duper, can't get any better than this in the world, we've got all the cash, so we MUST be good, league. I just thought that I would get it out of my system. I heard that FIFA were thinking of widening the goals for higher scoring matches, and I remember this all coming up before the last World Cup, but it was disregarded then. I think that it would be a bad idea, but things do need to change, like the Golden goal rule. I think that is a good idea, as teams in Extra time seem to have the attitude of "Let's keep tight at the back as we don't want to lose, not now, after all this hard work", and not "Let's push again lad's and seal it before the dreaded penalties, one goal WILL be enough". I know that the foreign imported players have made for a better game here in England, but I do think that the commentators on Match Of The Day etc seem to lick round the foreigners too much. They are always saying how great they all are, but never show the bad passes, and shots they do, and besides which we still have plenty of talent in this country too, like McManaman, Giggs, Ferdinand, Pallister, Gazza, Le Tissier etc etc etc... Once again the FA Cup is here again, and although there a loads of cup competitions around these days there is simply nothing quite like the FA Cup, especially 3rd round day, and on, something that sets it aside from all the other cups that I watch. I guess that it has to do with proper giantkilling. Like a Beazer Homes league team playing against Man Utd, etc, and winning??? - That should upset the Man Utd supporters reading this, but I could have just as easily said Liverpool, or Tottenham. I also think that Juninho hasn't been headline news most weeks, but it may be that he is still trying to adjust to English football. Also teams are marking him so tightly as to make it difficult to play, but then again we might all be expecting too much. I watched the FA Cup third round tie between Sheffield Utd vs Aston Villa match, and the penalty by Dwight Yorke was very cocky. If the keeper had stood up then he would have looked a right idiot, but as the keeper dived it looked skillful, but I still think that it was cocky. Finally I have to say that Ivano Bonnetti has brought much needed publicity to little Grimsby Town, and he is a breath of fresh air to the club. The first Italian to play in the Endsleigh League, and he is a very skillful player also. End ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHG&E)B08-RobertAndJulie.txt-ըog"g10-footy_rivalry.txt - |1-Football Rivalry a running-from-the-Millwall article by |1-Mammoth/Syndicate This is a reply to an article in Word 9 written by a guy who was not really a footy fan about football in general, why people support the team they do and the rivalry that goes on between fans. Why people support the team they do ----------------------------------- This has a number of factors, their parents supported the team, the team are a massive club, they are on the telly a lot and in the news. You name it, footy fans have a positive REASON for supporting their team. Why do I support Ipswich? Simple, my first match I went to was in 1976 between Ipswich Town and West Bromwich Albion, Ipswich won seven nil, it was absolutely brilliant, people were friendly, so it stuck. I`ve been a loyal blue ever since. A few people support their club because they are a big club and their friends do, I.E Manchester United, there are a few people in Croydon wearing the red and white but not many. About ten years ago everyone was supporting Liverpool because they were winning everything and now Man Utd are flavour of the decade people are following them, you`ll also find that they know bugger all about the team, don`t know the sides of the ground, and more often than not won`t know how they got on last week. On the opposite end of the scale are the hard-core never-say-die we`ll-support-you-evermore supporter who`s idea of a Saturday is to travel to see their team play. The fans who travel about three hundred miles to see their team deverse a mention (Newcastle fans definetely, although where were they four years ago??), what makes someone get up and travel to sit on a lump of plastic in a draughty terrace getting soaking wet watching their team? Loyalty, a sense of passion, thats what does it. You can boast to everyone "I was there when we lost 9-0", not much of a boast but you get the idea... If you are a supporter of a team who have never seen them play away from home try it, I still remember my first proper away match, it was in 1983 at Luton in the F.A Cup, Ipswich won 3-0 and we took eight thousand fans there, I still get a buzz when I think about it, it was just a great day out. On the other hand travelling all the way up to Blackburn on a Monday night to see us lose 2-1 was memorable because of the "fun" the Town fans had. 250 Ipswich fans spent the entire second half singing "Johnny Lyalls blue and white army, Johnny Lyalls blue and white army" with the appropriate clapping and dancing. It can be quite exhausting doing that I can tell you, I was breathless as I left the ground. |1-Rivalry Rivalry exists in 99% of clubs, each one has its closest neighbour, and that is probably the rival, I.E Arsenal and Spurs, Man Utd and Man City, Liverpool and Everton, Rangers and Celtic, Ipswich and Norwich etc. Some teams have more than one rival, teams that hate them more than they hate the rival, Man Utd have about four main rivals, Man City, Liverpool, Leeds and Newcastle United. Being the club they are most teams fans can`t stand the "Big" clubs and that rivalry brings a passion at the games. Imagine the scene, your team are playing your neighbours at home, your team are winning one-nil with two minutes left, then the neighbours score twice in a minute, the winner being from a very disputed penalty. How would you feel? Gutted? Angry? Ready to kick the oppositions heads in? If that had happened on an ordinary league match against a team from 200 miles away it would not bother you as much, but to lose at home to your closest rival is unthinkable as it means you and your team suffer the taunts until the next time the teams meet. The only thing that cheers you up is at the next match if the rivals are losing, but thats scant consolation. Ask any footy supporter if his team were to win two matches all season it would be the rivals home and away, I personally would rather Ipswich got relegated than lost to Norwich, you`ll find that with most fans. Rivalry is "bred" on the terraces, if you go along into the noisy end you`ll find a lot of the songs are about the local rivals, at Tottenham they still sing "Nayim, from the halfway line" in reference to his goal in the Cup-Winners Cup final for Zaragoza against Spurs last season. Sometimes rivalry does go over the top, remember those Eric Cantona posters that were plastered on billboards across the country? Some bright spark put one up on a billboard near Leeds Uniteds ground.... MISTAKE! The original read.... 1966 was a good year for English Football, Eric was born And after the Leeds fans got at it..... 1958 was a good year for English Football. (Reference to the Munich air disaster) The sick thing is I have actually been to a Leeds V Man Utd match at Elland Road, and some of the songs they sing about Munich is sickening, similarly Man Utd fans sang songs for a while about Hillsbrough, footy fans don`t respect the dead at all, especially when Leeds and Man Utd are concerned. (Leeds and Man U fans reading this will know what I am on about, I saw the pitched battle in 22/4/94 outside Elland Road, nasty!). Fans do come together at times ------------------------------ Sometimes an incident happens that brings rival teams together, that was illustrated when Norwich City goalkeeper Bryan Gunns daughter died of Leukemia in November 1992, a few weeks later Norwich played Ipswich at Carrow Road and there was a minutes silence before the game, honestly you could have heard a pin drop. The Norwich fans gave us a round of applause and we applauded Bryan Gunn singing "Scotlands number one" to him. Remember, its only a game, its not life and death. (By the way, Ipswich won the match 2-0). Hillsborough was another example, except that brought the whole footballing community together. I watched it unfold on telly and was upset for weeks afterwards, the Ipswich fans at the next home match were singing Youll never Walk Alone, some wore Liverpool scarves, a few were wearing the shirt. One of the most emotional monents of my life was a few weeks after that, Liverpool played Celtic in a friendly at Parkhead and after the game the Celtic fans raised their scarves and belted out You`ll Never Walk Alone, I was moved to tears, literally. I still have it on video and it moves me every time I watch it, incidents like that make you proud to be a football fan. |1-Passion Passion is a vital element in following a club, what else would make you travel three hundred miles to see your team get hammered, and still applaud them off the pitch? For real passion see most South American and Italian fans, the flares that go off and the flags they bring to matches would not be allowed here in England, they really go for at in a big way. In Greece too their passion for the game is vast, take Panathanikos, they played in the European Cup a few weeks ago in front of 75,000 fans in a fevered atmosphere, there were flags everywhere and wall to wall noise, not surprised they won. Its up to the fans to make the passion, and ideally that means terracing, it has to be said that there is less passion at grounds now with these all seater stadiums, there are more families coming to grounds, you have to ideally buy tickets in advance. Take Liverpool for example, with the Kop standing I was intimitated going there, now its all seater some of the passion has gone. Its the same at most grounds though, any ground that is now all seater has lost its passion. I think the only grounds with terracing in the Endsleigh Division One are Portsmouth and Reading, in fact when Ipswich went to Reading we took 3,000 and packed it, we won 4-1 and had a right party, our first away win since the January. And yes, I know I missed it! End - 7W10-ForeignPlayers.txt-|1-Foreign Imports In |2-The Premiership By PeX le SeX/iNDi Aparantly there are 86 Foreigners in the Premiership. I have got these few so far, and help doods? I have been helped along the way, with special mention to Alex Summerfield, as he was very instrumental with his knowledge, even if he supports Arsenal and Scunthorpe United (who?). I know that some of the players have been transfered since I started this list, like Ille Dumitrescu going to West Ham United, but I was set this challenge by Canada/G$P around the beginning of March. I haven`t managed to get ALL 86 foreigners, but have done quite well. I have got 78, with 4 that I am unsure of. Newcastle United Phillippe Albert Belgium Mark Hottiger Switzerland David Ginola France Pavel Srnicek Chekoslovakia Faustino Asprilla Columbia Shaka Hislop USA Marcus Allen USA Manchester United Eric Cantona France Peter Schmichael Denmark Liverpool Stig Bjornebye Norway Jan Molby Denmark Aston Villa Dwight Yorke Trinidad & Tobago Mark Bosnich Australia Savo Milosevic Croatia Riccado Scimecca Unknown Tottenham Hotspurs Ille Dumitrescu Romania Erik Thorstvedt Norway Ronnie Rosenthal Israel Blackburn Rovers Lars Bohinen Norway Henning Berg Norway Niklas Gudmundsson Norway Arsenal Glenn Helder Holland Dennis Bergkamp Holland John Jensen Denmark Pal Lydensen Unknown Everton Andrei Kanchelskis Ukraine Anders Limpar Sweden Daniel Amokachi Nigeria Nottingham Forest Bryan Roy Holland Andrei Silenzi Italy Alf Inge Haaland Norway Chelsea Ruud Hullit Holland Dimitri Kharin Russia Dan Petrescu Romania Erland Johnsen Unknown J Kjeldberg Unknown Leeds United Tomas Brolin Sweden Tony Yeboah Ghana Phil Masinga South Africa Lucas Radebe South Africa Middlesborough Juninho Brazil Jan Age Fjortoft Norway Roberto Moreno Germany I Cvitanovic Unknown Sheffield Wednesday Marc Degryse Belgium Mr Kovacevic Croatia Mr Stefanovic Croatia Klas Ingesson Sweden West Ham United Robbie Slater Australia Dani Portugal Jerome Boere Unknown Mark Rieper Unknown Mark Boogers Unknown Ludo Miklosko Unknown S Lazaridis Unknown Mr Bilic Unknown Southampton Bruce Grobbelaar Zimbabwe Ken Monkou Holland Alan Nielson Unknown Francis Benali Unknown Wimbledon Oyvind Leonardson Norway Efan Ekoku Nigeria Hans Segers Unknown Coventry City Peter Ndlov Zimbabwe M Isias Brazil John Filan Australia Roy Wegerle USA C Batista Unknown Manchester City Uwe Rosler Germany George Kinkladze Croatia Eike Immel Germany Mr Fontzeck Unknown Michael Vonk Unknown Queens Park Rangers Sieb Dykstra Unknown Ned Zelic Australia Bolton Fabien De Fraitas Holland Gundi Bergsson Norway Richard Sneekes Holland Miku Paatelainen Finland =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The future's bright, the future's ORANGE, and so is my car!! ______ ._____ ____ ____ \____\ ___/_ \ \/ / .__`/ \ __/ \ \_ _/ | _____/ \ / \ | l________\/___/\___\ `--' .___. ._____ ___/_ | _l_ | __/ \ | / \ | \ l______\l_Shai___\ ____ ._____ ____ ____ / __/_ ___/_ \ \/ / \____\ | __/ \ \_ _/ / l \| \ / \ /________/l________\/___/\___\ End -@J~ } 10-Grimsby.txt-|1-Here are a few facts about |2-Grimsby Town |1-Football Club Sent to us by Canada/G$P Thanks to Canada for sending these detials to me, and I have tidied them up, and put them into The Word #10 as his article, I hope that he doesn`t mind. Even if he supports Carlisle - PeX le SeX Grimsby Town : Endsleigh League Division 1 Ground Name : Blundell Park, Cleethorpes, N.East Lincs, DN35 7PY Telephone Number : (01472)697111 Fax Number : (01472)693665 Clubcall Number : 0891 121576 Ground Capacity : 8,500 (approx) - Now All-seater Record Attendance : 31,657 v Wolves, FA Cup 5th rd, on 20-02-37 Record Receipts : 119,799 v Aston Villa, FA Cup 4th rd, on 29-01-94 Pitch Measurements : 111 yds x 75yds Presidents : T.J. Lindley, T.Wilkinson. Chairman : W.H. Carr. Vice Chairman : T.A.Aspinall. Directors : PW Furneaux, G Lamming, J Mager. Manager : Brian Laws. Assistant Manager : Kenny Swain. Youth Team Coach : John Cockerill. Company Secretary : Ian Fleming (007 licenced to kill?) Commercial Manager : Tony Richardson. Lottery Manager : TE Harvey. Physio : Paul Michell. Year Formed : 1878 Turned Professional : 1890 Ltd Co 1890 Previous Name : Grimsby Pelham. Club Nickname : "The Mariners" Maybe you out there could do one for your local club, or the one that you support. It`s a thought, and a chance to get your name in lights, well in the Word, which is reviewed in all the Amiga Mags, with screenshots, so what do you say folks - PeX le SeX End ~}|{z0S 09-Word1.txt-z~10-ItalianFootball.txt-|1-Why Italian Football Is Shite. I started watching Channel 4s coverage of Italian football when it first broadcast a good few years ago, and a have decided that Italian football is bollocks. The object of the game is thus:- 1. Dive on the floor in an obviously theatrical way whenever an oponent is within ten yards. 2. Once you have landed on the turf, roll over about 20 times clutching the same part of your body every time (left shin) with a painful expression on your face. 3. Try to get your opponents sent off by doing the previous 2 things. 4. Run with the ball into the penalty area and then carry out steps 1-3 to get a penalty kick. 5. When you have got 1 goal then that'll do, defend until the end of the game. 6. If you are a goalkeeper you must never catch the ball instead you must try to punch or slap it away in a theatrical manner. 7. Should the referee not beleive your diving about antics, you must all gather round him and put your hands together in a praying type way. Its just so annoying watching the programme on Sunday afternoons, You get some naff football pundit talking about the game, usually its Ray 'Triffic' Wilkins and they actually beleive all this fannying about the players do, 'ooh thats a hash tackle' and all that crap. I just get so frustrated after about 10min I turn it off Thats all folks SiEGE End ):M06-RedDwarf2.txt- <2 10-lutonvipswich.txt- |1-Luton Town V Ipswich Town 30/3/96 a promotion-chasing article dun in a happy mood by Mammoth/Syndicate 11:15 am -------- I wake up after about eight hours kip, was up half the night coding on me new game. I get up, scratch my nads for a few minutes (does`nt everyone) and get dressed, munch a bowl of cornflakes and leave for East Croydon station. 12:17 pm -------- The thameslink train stops at platform four and I board it, sit down and a bloke sits opposite, I notice he is wearing a Crystal Palace jacket, he tells me that Palace are playing Millwall today at Millwall, OUCH!! The train chugs towards London Bridge and loud voices are heardd in the carriage behind. This turns into a loud fracas with the smashing of windows, the train pulls into Brockley station for an unscheduled stop, people bundle out of train fighting, I realise its Millwall and Crystal Palace fans, quickly do jacket up hiding the blue and white of Ipswich. 13:45 pm -------- The train gets to Luton, I get off and make my merry way towards the ground, I ask for directions and follow them, walking through the terraced streets I cant help noticing an "Asian" influence shall we say. Well, the smell of curry and the India flags hanging out of windows kind of gives it away. I dont care, I am in my own country, wrap Union Jack round shoulders and saunter towards chateau Luton Town. See some people I know at the away end and go for a pint in a nearby pub, Green King IPA, well good. Stagger down to ground at half two, singing and generally behaving badly. 14:30pm ------- Disaster, the game is all ticket and I haven`t got one, a steward tells me to go down to the ticket office and buy one. I get to the ticket office and the queue is f***ing miles long! Eventually I buy a ticket for 12.50 and go back to the away end, get into ground, up a knackered set of metal steps overlooking peoples back gardens and into the away end. Find my seat, right near the fence seporating Ipswich from Luton fans. Hang my flag on the railings and wait for comments about Croydon and south London in general. 14:55pm ------- Teams come out to tumultuous applause, Ipswich have filled the away end with 2,500 people, ace away support. 15:00pm ------- Kick off, we settle and score early, Simon Milton from the far post lobbing the Luton keeper so send us wild in celebration. The reat of the half is poor save for Ian Marshall forcing a save from their goalie. 15:45pm ------- Half time, stand around, listen to result of Grand National, oh well thats a fiver down the pan. 16:00pm ------- Second half, things look good until they equalise, belting shot from outside the penalty area. The noisy Luton fans to our right start singing and taking the piss, some stand on dividing fence and spit at us, lovely people. Two minutes later Mathie shoots, keeper fumbles and Simon Milton knocks the ball in, I go towards the dividing fence and celebrate, several Ipswich fans climb fence in jubilation, pandemonium rules. Mass singing, dancing and overall piss taking of Norwich. 16:40pm ------- We are getting agitated, the defence is looking shaky and the midfield has collapsed, I am biting my nails and pleading for the final whistle, suddenly we break upfield and Ian Marshall misses an absolute sitter, I now predict a Luton equaliser. 16:50pm ------- Final whistle, we have won, I grab my flag and hold it aloft, celebrating a fine, well deserved but frantic victory. Spend ten minutes leaving ground, follow some Townies back to station. On a bridge near a main road the Ipswich coaches pass by, I wave, they wave back, carry on back to station. 17:20pm ------- Board Train back to Croydon, some Palace fans get on at London Bridge, they had beaten Millwall one nil and were happy, I reckon they are going up now. Arrive back at East Croydon station at six fifteen and walk home, stopping for a curry and a six-pack on the way, all in all a wonderful day!! End  &0 09-Word2.txt-S6Of10-OdeToLeeds.txt-|2-ODE TO |2-LEEDS NIL!!! |1-By PeX le SeX's old man This was written by my Dad after Liverpool's 5-0 thrashing of Leeds at Anfield in the Premiership earlier this season (95-96 Season), and I thought that it was good enough to print in The Word #10. I hope that you like it too. I am not a Liverpool fan myself, but my Dad is, and with his best mate being a Leeds fan it makes it especially sweet. The Whites Came Down To Play The Reds, They Wished They'd Stayed Tucked In Their Beds, For When The Reds Had Had Their Fill, The Scoreline Read Five Bleedin' Nil. Then Wilko Said With Some Derision, "Are We In The Right Division? Them Reds Sure Are A Damded Good Team, The Best That I Have Ever Seen. We Are A Load Of Silly Coots, For We're Not Fit To Lick Their Boots!" The Moral Is Quite Clear For All, The Whites Can't Kick A Bleedin' Ball, So If You'd Like Another Date, NEXT TIME WE'LL MAKE IT BLOODY EIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! End xwvu0 09-WillYouGetThatJob.txt- eA     10-TeamNames.txt-|1-18 Different Team |2-Names In England |1-By Pex le SeX/iNDi I was set a puzzle of naming the 18 different team names that are currently used in the Premiership, and Endsleigh league teams. It was set to me after WorkBench/NFA's Mum (who is young) and Dad (who is well old!!!) after they watched the BBC sitcom "The Detectives". There are no non-league or Scottish/Welsh teams in here. There are no one name teams either, like Everton, or Wimbledon. Enjoy.... Example : Manchester UNITED or... Grimsby TOWN Manchester 1 - United Grimsby 2 - Town Sheffield 3 - Wednesday Port 4 - Vale Aston 5 - Villa Plymouth 6 - Argyle Chester 7 - City Crewe 8 - Alexandra Notts 9 - County Bristol 10 - Rovers Tottenham 11 - Hotspurs Bolton 12 - Wanderers Charlton 13 - Athletic Leyton 14 - Orient Nottingham 15 - Forest Preston 16 - North End West Bromich 17 - Albion Crystal 18 - Palace Another little pointless article typed by me when I had a few spare moments, OK. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The future's bright, the future's ORANGE, and so is my car!! ______ ._____ ____ ____ \____\ ___/_ \ \/ / .__`/ \ __/ \ \_ _/ | _____/ \ / \ | l________\/___/\___\ `--' .___. ._____ ___/_ | _l_ | __/ \ | / \ | \ l______\l_Shai___\ ____ ._____ ____ ____ / __/_ ___/_ \ \/ / \____\ | __/ \ \_ _/ / l \| \ / \ /________/l________\/___/\___\ End 010-A-ZF1Drivers.txt- ܯER0<10-Williamshistory.txt-$faf|1-THE WILLIAMS F1 RACING TEAM $fff By Koffin Blood / Syndicate Country Of Origin: Great Britain ------------------ Date Of Foundation: 1968 ------------------- Active Years In Formula One: From 1973 ---------------------------- Constructors Cup Victories: 1980,1981,1986,1987,1992,1993,1994..... --------------------------- $aff Frank Williams is proof positive that determination will triumph over adversity. An amateur driver of talent, he gave up racing and started buying and selling racing cars. He struck up a great friendship with Piers Courage and ran a Formula One Brabham BT26 for Piers in 1969. A fine second place behind Graham Hill in Monaco attracted the attention of De Tomaso. Williams ran their car in 1970, but he was devastated when Courage was killed at Zandvoort. Williams struggled financially in the early 1970s, running a selection of paying no-hopers. A liaison with Walter Wolf in 1976 turned sour but led to the turning point for Williams, the decision to found WILLIAMS GRAND PRIX ENGINEERING with Patrick Head. Williams invested a lot of time and effort into attracting Saudi Arabian backing and Head"s functional FW06 allowed Australian Alan Jones to turn in some fine performances in 1978. $ffa THE ARRIVAL OF THE FW07 ----------------------- The following year Head came up with the superb ground effects FW07. Clay Ragazzoni scored the teams first Grand Prix win at Silverstone and Jones went on to dominate the second half of the year. In 1980 Alan Jones was teamed with Carlos Reutemann and the duo proved formidable. Jones won 5 times and Reutemann won in Monte Carlo. Alan Jones won the drvers championship and Williams took the constructors crown. Jones narrowly lost out to Nelson Piquet in 1981 and announced his retirement whereupon Williams signed Keke Rosberg. By 1982 turbocharged engines were proving too strong for normally aspirated opposition but Rosberg managed to win the last championship for the Ford Cosworth engine, despite taking just one victory. Williams then forged an alliance with Honda. The V6 turbo was brutal and heavy in it"s early days, but constant development meant by the end of 1985, by which time Nigel Mansell was on board, the Williams-Honda combination was the one to beat. Rosberg left Williams for McLaren at the wrong time and, although Nelson Piquet and Nigel Mansell were the class of the field in 1986, Prost and Mclaren stole the title in Adelaide when Mansell suffered an exploding tyre with just 18 laps to go. Williams suffered an even bigger blow in March of that year, however, when Frank himself was paralysed in a car accident on the way back from a test at the Paul Ricard circuit in France. In 1987 Nelson Piquet was generally outpaced by team-mate Mansell but used consistency to take his 3rd world title in FW11. Piquet then left for Lotus and Williams lost its Honda engines. $faf The 1988 season was a watershed year with normally aspirated Judds, but a deal with Renault brought Williams back as a major strength although, with Ricardo Patrese and Thierry Boutsen on the books, the team lacked a recognized top-line driver until Mansell returned for 1991 after a 2 year spell at Ferrari. VICTORY FOR WILLIAMS -------------------- Patrick Head"s FW14 was a superb car and Mansell lost out to Senna"s McLaren in 1991 only because of a reliability problems with the semi-automatic gear- box in the early races. By 1992 Williams had mastered active suspension and, with FW14B, Mansell was unbeatable. He won a record 9 races en route to the championship. After a contractual dispute with the team, Mansell left to try his hand on the Indycar circuit. Alain Prost took up where he left off and won the 2nd consecutive drivers and constructors double for the Williams FW15 in 1993. $aaf Frank Williams was the man who first gave Ayrton Senna a Formula One test. He wanted the Brazilian ever since and, in 1994 he got him. Tragically, the great Brazilian died in an FW16 at Imola. Damon Hill then rose in stature and saved a desperately sad year by challenging Michael Schmacher for the drivers title, losing out after a controversial clash in the final round at Adelaide. Williams,though,won the constructors crown again. $fff By Koffin Blood / Syndicate End -l0 11--.poem.txt-$ffa|1-"-" By Zebedee/Carnage $fff The light is fast, goes past my eyes, It bounces back, no great surprise. It lights the room, I see me here, Upon the edge, I'm very near. Close to what, I'd like to know, Past to present, I see it flow. Quick stab in time, I take my pick, I see my choice, gonna be sick. My stomach tenses, I have to throw, I cannot do it, I have to go. The door is open, I take my chance, Then all of a sudden the lights enhance. Freedoms too much, I have no cash, Then there is a blinding flash. I close my eyes, I cannot see, I know where I would rather be. End. 010-ARSENal.txt-u4 0)11-Answers.txt-$ffa|1-Answers to last Issues Quiz. $faf By Madman/Ultima&Strobe 1 - 26 Letters of the Alphabet. 2 - 7 Wonders of the World. 3 - 1001 Arabian Nights. 4 - 12 Signs of the Zodiac. 5 - 54 Cards in a Deck (with the Jokers). 6 - 9 Planets in the Solar System. 7 - 88 Piano Keys. 8 - 13 Stripes on the American Flag. 9 - 32 Degrees Farenhiet at which Water Freezes. 10 - 18 Holes on a Golf Course. 11 - 90 Degrees in a Right Angle. 12 - 200 Pounds for Passing Go in Monopoly. 13 - 15 Red Balls on a Snooker Table. 14 - 3 Blind Mice (See How They Run). 15 - 4 Quarts in a Gallon. 16 - 24 Hours in a Day. 17 - 1 Wheel on a Unicycle. 18 - 57 Heinz Varities. 19 - 11 Players on a Football Team. 20 - 1000 Words that a Picture is Worth. 21 - 29 Days in February in a Leap Year. 22 - 64 Squares on a Chess Board. 23 - 40 Days and Nights of the Great Flood. 24 - 12 Days of Christmas. 25 - 7 Dwarfs with Snow White. 26 - 13 Steps to the Gallows. 27 - 9 Golf Balls on the Moon (Remember Neil Armstrong Playing golf on the Moon). $fff End >?,;DCBA@? )fa09-SoapBird.txt-!"X Ӿ('&%$#" 0 11-BedroomMove.txt-$faa|2-The Move $aff By WorkBench/NFA It was the 17th of February and I decided that my room was a complete mess. I go to Freaks, all innocent like, and stay for a quick coffee, and then suddenly I ask him, will you help sort the tip out - He knew what I meant... We decided that we would go via the Bank (Cause I wanted to), so whilst Freak nicked off with my bike, I suffered the indignity of having to Roller Blade all the way home, which is quite far. I did however get a tow on the back of my bike (Great fun for me, but Freak was rather tired). We got to my house, and had to break down the door to my room (Cause it was stuck with all the crap that was behind it). We got in, and well did not do much except faint at the sight of all the work that needed to be done. We started by taking everything out and putting it in the front room. The reason for this is that my room is the garage, and it is two feet away from the main room. The main room soon got quite full and my parents were none too pleased. |1-Break The room was now empty and I had to look for the hoover, it took a while and an interrogation of the parents to discover the location of the so called hoover. After this lengthy task we decided that another break was needed. Hoovering was finished and now there came the task of actually thinking of how the room was going to look. After lots of discussion and name calling, we decided that the best course of action was to take another break. The furniture started to the room, and life started to return to a sort of normal, but not quite. We still had to work out all of the wiring. There is a lot, we used up two four plugs, and 2 double blocks, a hell of a lot of plugs if you ask me. Yorkshire Electric love my house. We soon discovered the lack of cable to supply the power to all of the electrical goods. A trip to Wilkos (Dah Dah Daaaaah!) was needed. Many items were bought - Two to be precise. A long walk home soon followed and of course a break followed. Freak did all of the electrical work, I could not be bothered, and Freak hadn't done anything yet anyway. Except drink coffee, and eat a bit of dinner. It was Beans and Chips, and Burgers, and Turkey burgers - Just in case you wanted to know. We soon had power and the room came alive (ITS ALIVE) Zig and Zag soon entertained us with their hit single Them Girlz. Now came the small task of sorting out all the junk, and there was plenty of it. Most went to the bin men, and so I hope that they get more use out of it all than I ever did. Break time again, caffine addiction has taken over the body. I am having hallucinations of me and Pam, and Freak, well I do not even want to tell you what Freak is hallucinating. Namely cause I cannot see what he is hallucinating, although the chanting was "cannot wait till Monday" over and over again and again - this however is another story..... Finishing touches required, and so the bedroom is finished. Looks bloody smart, with black everything, except the bed covers and the walls cause I was not allowed to paint them black. Well that was "The Move" and the fantastic time that Freak and I had changing a tip into a heaven. Well maybe not, a slightly less of a tip would be a better description. $fff |1-By WorkBench of NFA End 0&10-Bonetti.txt-)*,+* 11-Bomb.txt- *** WARNING: DISCLAIMER 2 APPLIES TO THIS ARTICLE *** *** PLEASE READ "THE DISCLAIMERS" BEFORE PROCEEDING *** *** WARNING: DISCLAIMER 3 APPLIES TO THIS ARTICLE *** *** PLEASE READ "THE DISCLAIMERS" BEFORE PROCEEDING *** |1-Tennis Ball |2-BOMBS |1-typed by ApOkAliP3 how to make a simple hand grenade type thingie made simple in three easy steps. requirements: around 30 boxes of red headed matches. a tennis ball. sharp knife. that silver coloured tape. lots of time. Method: 1. Slice a little hole in the tennis ball 2. Next break all the heads off the matches and put them into the tennis ball until it is full to the top. (you could also put afew smallish stones in there aswell.) 3. When the tennis ball is full tape the hole closed using guess what the silver tape stuff. Now you have made your very first bomb, go onto the streets/woods and throw the little bugger at something/one, then watch as it goes up in aload of smoke n flames. These are great phun if your like me gun crazie. just make afew and start a war the local woods/fields/gardens. Eof 010-CricketFact.txt-- .FT76543210/. 11-Dizzystory.txt-|1-Dizzy's Excellent Adventure By Dead Head of NFA It was a nice day in the town of the yolkfolk, so as you can imagine everyone was out enjoying themselves. They were either basking in the sun or playing games of some sort. In a far away castle a wicked wizard caled Zaks was hatching another of his evil plans. "This will be my most evil and devious plan yet" laughed Zaks to his bootlicking troll Trogal "Yes master, and what will it be this time? An enormous frying pan to boil the eggs in, or maybe even a skewer for that pest of an egg Dizzy?" "No my pea-brained friend this is even more devious and deadly than any of those petty ideas of yours. I am going to eggnapp them all this time so nobody can help that fool Dizzy. Once I have eggnapped all of the Yolkfolk you and your troll friends will guard the castle entrance and other key places just to make sure that nothing goes wrong. Dizzy you have been lucky before but this time you will not win I will be victorious" Back at Dizzy's house all was quiet and peaceful that was except for Grand-Dizzy's stories of what it used to be like when he was a lad. Apart from that everything was quiet. Suddenly there was a rustle from the bushes, quickly everyone gathered round ready to pounce on what they thought was a monster, when a cute little fluffle popped it's head out of the bushes and said "Hello me Pogie, me scare you?" "You sure did" exclaimed Dizzy as he sat back and chuckled at what they all thought was a huge creature about to gobble them all up. Suddenly Dizzy realised that his lovely eggfriend wasn't there so he went into his tree hut to find her, but she was nowhere to be found and all the clothes and paintings were strewn all over the floor she must have been eggnapped!!! Immediately Dizzy told his friends. They decided that they should split up and search for her. Dizzy took command and split them up into four groups, Denzil and Dozy, Dora and Pogie, Dylan and Grand-Dizzy and finally Dizzy. Quickly they set off in search of Dizzy's beloved eggfriend. After hours of searching they met back at Dizzy's hut but Denzil, Dozy, Dora, Dylan and Grand-Dizzy were all missing, only Dizzy and Pogie returned. Dizzy tried to get something out of Pogie as to the wherabouts of the rest of the Yolkfolk but he seemed to be in a strange trance and wouldn't tell Dizzy anything. That was when Dizzy decided that it was up to him to save Daisy and free his friends. At Zaks's castle all was going according to plan because now he had all of the Yolkfolk right where he wanted them. "Trogal now that I have Daisy in my Ice Palace and the rest of the Yolkfolk captured, I want you and your band of trolls to get out of my castle and make sure that, that egg called Dizzy doesn't interfere with my plans to rule Yolktown and all its people. Once I get the towns owner Daisy to sign this contract saying that I own and rule the town it will be mine, mine, mine!!" Unfortunately Zaks didnt realise that a good friend of Dizzy's, Theodore the good wizard, had overheard the whole thing and had dashed off as fast as his flying carpet could carry him. He arrived at Dizzy's hut and he found Dizzy looking glum and unhappy, so as soon as he spilt the beans and gave Dizzy his flying carpet and left as suddenly as he had arrived. So Zaks was up to his old tricks again, this was the last straw Dizzy was going to beat him once and for all. Quickly he set of in search of his friends. The first of his friends that he came across was Dylan who had been put under a strange spell and was singing hippy songs, Dizzy decided that this was an emergency and used a special potion that the good witch Glenda had given him in one of his past adventures. Instantly Dylan broke out of his spell and decided that he needed a rest and went home. After a lot more searching Dizzy found a set of strange looking statues and after inspecting them closer he noticed that they were Denzil, Dozy, Dora and Grand-Dizzy instantly Dizzy drew out his chisel and after a couple of hours of hard work he had freed them all. To show their thanks they gave Dizzy a magic staff to help him defeat Zaks. Dizzy's quest wasn't over, he still had to save his favourite egg, Daisy. Off he set in search of the ice palace, and after hours of trekking his perciveerance was rewarded as he now stood facing the entrance to the ice palace. He darted in and had no problem in finding and fired his magic staff at Zaks. To Dizzy's surprise this actually worked and they were able escape from the castle. As soon as they escaped they were confronted by the trolls, but Dizzy had another trick up his sleeve and threw another magic potion onto them which turned them into harmless little rabbits. And they all lived happlily ever after........ Until the next time. End { 10-famous.txt-89~@<;:90 11-Goth.txt-$aff|1-Too Many cooks spoil the Goth... $fff By aLaDDiN SAnE $faf Now, I've never considered myself to be a "Goth". I had always assumed that people kept asking me if I was, purely because I wore alot of black when I went out - and I still do - but, after reading the article "All about Goths" in the Word #7, I began to wonder. I have found that most of the criteria for Gothdom mentioned in that article apply directly to me. Here's a list to show you what I mean... $faa - Firstly, I listen to many Goth bands, such as, The Sisters of Mercy, Bauhaus, Souixsie and the Banshees, Fields of the Nephilim, etc. $ffa - When out in the evenings, I tend to wear a preponderance of black, hence trendies labelling me a "Goth". $faa - As mentioned in the article, I admire pre-Raphaelite painting and architecture. $ffa - I read alot, mainly Poe, Lovecraft, Anne Rice, Mervyn Peake, etc. $faa - Freak may possibly have something to say about this but, believe it or not, I am introspective - quite rare in Grimsby, where most people are deeply in love with the sound of their own voices, and EXTREMELY shallow! $faf Although all these are true, I still do not consider myself to be a Goth, and I should say that most true goths would not consider me to be so either! $aff NB: This article is prompted by a lass at the Waterfront continually asking me "Are you a Goth" - she obviously has a thing about them - I replied "Why, because I'm wearing black and because I'm not drooling all over you like the other blokes?". She was a bit of a slapper, by the way! $afa Ever and Always, Body and Soul, $fff aLaDDiN SAnE (1974 - 199?) End 10-FootyTalk.txt-=>RWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA@?>2011-HorrorStory.txt-$faf|1-The $faa|2-Dunhill Deaths $fffThe first murder on the hill happened about 15 years ago, I remember reading about it, some kid had gone up the hill in his car with his girlfriend, they had obviously gone up there to get away from their parents, but I wont go in to detail about that. Anyway it was late in the year so it was going dark at about 7 ish and the weather was beginning to go chilly, so most people stayed inside and did their home work or watched the telly, therefore there weren't many people wandering the streets. So really there were just these two people out in their car ( I forget their names ) enjoying themselves. It was Halloween ( I know it sounds corny but it was ) so most people were staying idoors ( is is a quite religious town this and so no one celebrated Halloween, an fact many used to put up crucifixes to ward off evil spirits that may try to take them to the devil Beelzebub. $ffaNow nobody is exactly sure of what happened to those on the hill that night, but one thing is for sure the guy won't be telling anyone. For the next morning they found this man severely mutilated ( his head was found in the glove box ), his girlfriend hwever was physically unharmed, although from that day she has to be kept in a mental instituition, for her own safety and the safety of others, and has thus had her statement about the murder thrown out as they see that it has no substance due to the fact that she is certifiable. $fffThe Worrying in the town began when the grave of Ged Harson was found to be dug up. Now folklore says that as a child Ged was tormented and abused by his parents and would regularly turn up to school with bruises or scars on his body, this abuse encouraged Ged to pick on children at school until at the age of 9 he slashed open a teachers arm and so was immediately expelled. He was never accepted at another school and so supposedly had tuition at home. It was then that a number of mutilations of pets and animals began to happen. For example sheep would be found with their wool shaved and their throats slit, and other more disgusting things were found. It was then one night on the local common that a farmer found a dead body, it was the mayors son. He had been decapitated and other such things, and so the mayor vowed to hunt down the killer. About a week later, when he and the police were still searching for the killer they noticed some strange goings on in a nearby wood and so decided to investigate. As they drew closer they could see a shadowy figure lying on the floor, and above him stood Ged, a meat cleaver in one hand, the head of the body in the other. To the chief inspectors disbelief it was his own son. Well both the mayor and the chief inspector both lost control and set upon Ged killing him within seconds. $ffaAnyway the mayor and chief inspector were sent down for manslaughter ( due to their motives ) and Ged was buried innthe local graveyard, much to the distress of the villgaers. For they believed that he was the devil incarnate and the only way to destroy his evil spirit would be to burn him as a sacrifice to god. But the reverend wouldn't have it and so he was buried there. $fff Right back to the present, and with the upheval of Geds grave speculation was rife and rumours ran of a copy cat killer. But after a while much of this was forgotten and it was presumed that there must have been some grave robbers at the time. That was until the next year....................... $ffa oOo For exactly one year later on All Hallows eve thre was another grizly murder on Dunhill. This was in a similar place to the other although this time the victim was alone and so there were no witnesses to the murder. Again the body was decapitated and severe mutilation was abound with the body being very disfigured. Once this second murder had happened the rumours began to fly again but once more these settled, although this time people were a lot more scared and kept their children indoors. $fff But it was 3 years after the first murder that I had the unfortunate timing to be out on October the 31st. And at about midnight I was strolling across the hill with a couple of mates when we were all jumped upon from behind and seent crashing to the floor, smashing my face in the ground and I rolled off into a nearby ditch that was surrounded by reeds, and thre I stayed, huddled in a small ball absolutely terrified with my eyes focuseed on the silhouette of a large figure and my friends. Then I saw this figure raise his arm, in his hand he held a knife that glinted in the moonlight. He then began to thrust this knife in and out of the bodies of my mates. For a moment he seemed to stop, but then he stood up, in his hand he held my mates head, I tried to look away but I was fixated by the scene. Suddenly he threw the head and flames appeared beneath him, and he began to sink into the ground !. $ffa I continued to lie there, paralyzed, unable to move fearing what I would see, eventually sleep encompased me in its web and I was unable to stay awake anymore. It was very early on that I awoke, infront of me stood a policeman and I was lifted to my feet. It was from then on a day of questioning by the police, and so I told them about the figure that I had seen, although I didn't tell them that the figure appeared to disappear into the ground, as I knew that they wouldn't believe me. One thing that last night had told me was that the first murder held some vital information that they wanted to keep hidden from the public. The key to this information was Janice ( the girlfriend of the first victim) and so I decided that i needed to get in touch with her. $fff oOo Unfortunately this was going to be quite difficult because ( as stated before ) she was in a mental institution and therefore was only allowed to see close family. This would mean that I would have to impose as one of the members of her family. And so I got in disguise and retrieved a death certificate for her grandad and then created all of the I.D that I would need to get into the institution. Luckily for me this worked and I was able to get in and see Janice. $ffa As soon as I walked into the room I recognised her, but she also seemed to know who I was and the reason that I had come to see her, so immediately we sat down and began to discuss what had happened to her 3 years ago on October the 31st. I could see that this was very traumatic for her and so didn't want to push her over the edge so to speak, but she insisted that we continued and conveyed her story. After doing so she gave me a description of the murderer and I scribbled down her notes and drew up a sketch of what this may look like. As I turned my sketch pad towards her she screamed and then collapsed to the floor, I took this as meaning I had done a pretty accurate sketch. Suddenly the room was filled with porters and nurses so I shoved my pad into my bag and was ushered out of the room. I now decided to do some research on this character. $fff By the time I got home it was about 9:00 pm and so I decided that it would be too late to go into the police station, therefore I booted up my Amiga. I used my amiga for graaphical work and tv special effects ( PC's are shite at this, and the equipment would cost an arm and a leg....opps sorry ), But I was also linked to the net and surfed a few bbs's. Any way I decided to get the vital information I needed and so hacked into the mainframe at police H.Q and then obtain the relevant files from the photofit programs, as well as scanning through and criminal files. Well after about half an hour of searching I found the man I had drawn, and so I looked down at the name, it said..............GED HARSON, No fixed abode.......deceased!. $ffa "Is he fuck deceased" I thought and quickly copied the files to a spre floppy. I couldn't sleep at all that night. $fff The next day at the crack of dawn I rushed down to the local library to see what I could find on Ged. All I could find were his death records but strangely there was no cause of death given, so I gave up on the library and set off to the church. $ffa Now the father at the church had been around for many years, he had indeed conducted Geds burial and so i was hoping the he would be able to relay some more information to me. I found Father Jones and began to tell him exactly what had happened to me, as well as Janice. I also showed him the sketch that I had made from Janice's details. Well father Jones went as white as a sheet and began to fumble for his inhaler. Once composed he told me something that hadn't been part of the myth we were told as children. For apparently Geds lasts words were about making a pact with the devil so that he could come back and he would murder all of the men in the town, the story then went that then he would have a child with one of the women. This child would be taken over by him so that he could walk the earth once again. This really did shit me up but I began to wonder if there was anything that could be done to stop him, but Father Jones was one step ahead of me. $fff "The only thing that can stop him" he said "is, when the moon is full he must be positioned over a cross and then doused in holy water, this will trap his body but free his soul". And so we decided to bide our time and wait for him to appear. $ffa oOo It was now the 30th of October and it was the eve of another gruesome murder by who we now knew was Ged. And by our good luck the moon was going to be at its fullest tommorrow and so the Father and I had to work quickly otherwise we may lose our only chance to dispell this evil demon. We had to make sure that we were ready. $fff So on the afternoon of the 31st we went up to Dunhill and lay hundreds of small crosses in the grass, these were placed near to or on the murder sites. And then we made sure that we had enough holy water to soak him, as well as some matches and petrol to burn his body once we had eradicated the spirit from him. Then it was just a matter of waiting for Ged to arrive and attack me. $ffa oOo Well it was now getting on for midnight and there was no sign of Ged and so I was obviously becoming a bit worried, but suddenly I heard father Jones shout to me, as I spun round I could see that Ged had materialised else where and was away from the crucifixes, the bastard. Immediately I began to run for him and as I did so I could see that he was going after some people who had just begun the ascent up Dunhill. So as I ran I bent down and at full sprint I stretched down to grab a cross, I then continued my chase after Ged. As I neared him I began to shout to get his attention, and when I was about 20 metres away he turned round so that I could see that his face was covered with rotting flesh, $fff "Oh Shit, what the buggery have I done", I thought but still continued to go towards him. $ffa When I got within six feet of him he lifted up his right arm, the blood stained meat cleaver shone in the full moon, and he sent it crashing into my forearm so that the blade came out of the side splitting the bone in two and sending a sharp pain throughout my body, so strong was this blow that my body nearly crumbled under the force. But I couldn't give up and with every ounce of energy that I could muster I smashed the long point of the crucifixe into his forehead so that his decomposed head shook and split . He stumbled back wards but didn't seem to be particularly hurt, and so he came back with another attempt to kill me and so I again thought "Oh shit" $fff Fortunately though by now Father Jones had managed to catch me up and he threw another cross at Ged, this time Ged was stopped in his tracks and didn't know what to do. I instinctively grabbed the bucket of holy water and covered Ged with it. $ffa With that the sky was alight, spirits were flying about our heads and screams of the previous victims, these were so shrill that our ears hurt, then in front of us the ground began to open and flames came up from below us, the spirits were pulled into this gorge as was Geds and then it was gone, only Geds body reamained. We doused this in the petrol and set it alight. The flames lit up the night sky as the Father and I hoped that we had seen the last of Ged Harson........................ $fff |1-The End?. hAnd WrITtEn bY DEAD HEAD End   5)2q05-AlcoholAbuse.txtK-XYV\[ZYP0 *11-InterestingNews.txt-$faf|1-Interesting news! $fff By Dead Head of NFA $ffa A man has been awarded 15 compensation after he found out too late that the superloo he was using had run out of toilet paper. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Two men had been working side by side for seven years in a factory before they realised that they were in fact brothers! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Two armed robbers who attempted to hold up a newsagent left empty-handed when the owner said he was too busy to be robbed. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Sir George Young -the transport minister- has been told that thieves have stolen a mile of railway track near Rotherham. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A man who bought a vaccuum cleaner for 2.60 was soon to discover that it contained 7000 worth of jewellery. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A crime valued at the price of 20p has been concluded in court at the cost of 100,000 in legal fees taken from the taxpayer. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Several months after going swimming in South America a woman became worried as her hunger increased yet she put on no weight. After going to a doctor and having an X-ray she was operated on only to find an 8 foot Anoconda snake living in her intestine. Apparantly she had swallowed the egg whilst swimming. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Police are on the look out for a naked jogger who runs with his dog at night. The dog wears a plastic mack. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- $fff End )6t05-Overheat.txt-]^rGQa`_^0 i11-KidsJokes.txt-|2-Jokes? by PeX le SeX / iNDi A little boy (Johnny) opens the door to his English lesson at school to see his teacher already teaching the class. "Johnny, what sort of time do you call this?" "11:30am Miss" "Why are you late?" "My Dad got Burnt" "Oh, I am sorry to hear that, was it serious?" "Yes Miss, they don't fuck about in the Crematorium!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A class of infants all sat in their class when their teacher arrives. "Today we are going to learn words beginning with the letters of the alphabet" One young boy (Billy) in the class has a rather strange sense of humour and it seems that every word he says is either followed by a swear word or is in fact a swear word. You know the sort. Anyway the teacher starts off by asking for a word beginning with the letter A. "Me Miss, Me Miss" says Billy with his hand flapping about the class. What would he say? Arsehole, thinks the teacher to herself. "Precilla, what begins with A?" "Apple, Miss" "Very good" "Alright then the letter B?" "Me Miss, Me Miss" says Billy with his hand up and jumping on his seat. What would he say? Bastard, thinks the teacher to herself. "Andy, what begins with B?" "Banana, Miss" "Well done" "Who can think of a word beginning with the letter C?" "Me Miss, Me Miss" says Billy with his hand flapping more violently. What would he say? Cunt, thinks the teacher to herself. "David, what begins with the letter C?" "Carrot" "Excellent!" "Anyone know a word beginning with the letter D?" "Me Miss, Me Miss" says Billy almost pissing himself. What would he say? She thinks for a moment and cannot think of anything rude. "Alright then Billy what is it?" "Dwarf, Miss" "Dwarf?" She is amazed at this. "Yes Miss" "What is it then?" Thinking this is a slang word for something rude. "It is a small fucker about a foot and a half high" End 0 5 09-FTE.txtJ-bc6dch0 11-Kitty.txt-$afa|1-Kitty $fff By Zebedee/Carnage $faa Kitty is bossy, she likes to direct, If she doesn't know it, she has to inspect. To see what it is, to work it all out, If she can't do it she'll stand up and shout. But she always wins, she conquers all, Whether it's large, square, round or small. If she has it for too long, she soon gets real bored, Don't throw it away, 'cause she has to hoard. Is she sincere, we may never know, If someone fouls up, she says, "Told you so!" If she finishes, she stands up so proud, My ears can't take it, why IS she so loud? $fff Written on 25-Feb-96 "g10-footy_rivalry.txt -efmDukjihgf 0T11-MathsExam.TXT-$aff|2-Maths Exam $fff Here are the first five questions of one of four modules of an A level maths exam. This lot represents less than 10% of an A level. The total exam last 1 hour 15 minutes, so these questions should be done in about 25 mins. I need an A in this shit in less than three months, for my first choice university (Imperial, London), and I don't know ANY of it. In fact, the only reason I'm bothering to type this lot out, stick it in an envelope and post it to Freak, is that otherwise I might have to do some work. When I sit these things I might write a diary thing and tell you all how I got on - now wouldn't that be interesting boys and girls. Anyway here's the paper, have a go at this little lot. Summer Series 1992, Module PH1 -------------------------------------------------------------------- x x-1 1. Given that 27 = 9 , find the value of x (5 marks) -------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Write down the first three terms in the binomial expansion, in ascending powers of x, of (1 + ax), where a <> 0 and n <= 2. (6 marks) -------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. Given that 0 <= x <= pi find the values of x for which (a) sin 3x = 0.5 (b) cot [ x + n/2 ] = 1 (7 marks) -------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. A vehicle moves along a straight track. After t seconds, its displacement s metres from a fixed point O on the track is given by 2 __ s = t ( 5 - 2 _/t ), 0 <= t <= T where T seconds is the time at which the vehicle comes to rest. -2 (a) Find expressions, in terms of t, for the velocity v ms and the -2 acceleration a ms of the vehicle after t seconds. -2 (b) Write down the initial acceleration, in ms of the vehicle. (c) Find the value of T (7 marks) -------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. The lengths of the sides of a triangle are 4cm, 5cm and 6cm. The size of the largest angle of the triangle is x (a) Calculate the value of cos x __ (b) Hence or otherwise, show that sin x = a_/7 ----- where a and b are integers. b (7 Marks) -------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm fucked. _______ /-ingle of Strobe End ~10-ItalianFootball.txt-lmS0grqponm 0 11-Metrolink.txt-$ffa|1-Manchester's Metrolink $faaAny information on fare evasion in this article is intended to make people aware of such practices so that they don't carry them out by accident. Honest. The Metrolink is Manchester's tram system, which I have to use each day to get to college. It runs on normal train tracks with overhead cables, and can probably do 50 or 60mph at full pelt. Trams are supposedly the next big thing in city centre transport. I think not. They are okay for travelling long distances outside the city centre, where they function as a very regular (every 6 mins) train service, but in the city they crawl along at 10mph, constantly stopping to avoid cars and pedestrians. It is much quicker to walk. The other main problem is the price, but this is easily overcome by the ticket system. You buy your own ticket from a slot machine. That's it. They trust you to buy your own ticket. Things aren't quite that simple however, as you are threatened with inspectors, who check tickets and dish out fines. I use the tram every day though, and only get my ticket checked about once a month, so even if you pay all your 10 fines it works out cheaper to go without tickets, especially when you are paying 2.50 per day for a full return between Manchester and Bury. I only pay 50p though. Hints and Tips: =============== Avoiding Inspectors ------------------- - Look out for groups of men in sheddy grey anoraks carrying little notebooks before boarding a tram. They stand by the doors at the front. - If these blokes get on your tram then wait for the next station, and get off if they don't or vice versa. If you want to continue, then its best to get a ticket to be safe. - Single blokes in sheddy grey coats rarely check tickets - they do it in gangs. - Drivers never check tickets. - Single coppers never check tickets. Getting Caught (no police present) ---------------------------------- - After admitting you have no ticket they will ask you if you have any ID. Say no. - If you refuse to give them a name and address they can't do a thing. Mumble something about losing your ticket, they'll give you a telling off, and you a free to go. If they threaten you then sue the bastards. - Give a realistic, well practised fake name and address. Your worst enemy could soon be getting a nasty letter through the post. You can then go. Getting Caught By a Big Gang Of Inspectors And Coppers ------------------------------------------------------ These blokes usually wait at the main stations, or the one near my college, because they know there will be about 50 students arriving every 6 minutes, most without tickets. If you can't remember your name and address the coppers could have something to say to you, so you'll probably have to cough up the 10. If you don't pay after 21 days they threaten to take you to court, but I don't know if this is the case. $fff End dBeefDisease.txt-s t\Jd}|{zyxwvutW11-MiniStory2.txt-|2-Oh no, not again |1-The Mini Story |2-Continues... By PeX le SeX/iNDi I have another little story to tell you about my car, and the A180. After the other weeks fiasco, with the car breaking down, which you will be able to read about in another article on this disk mag, I had my head gasket fixed, and found that I was still losing water, but ever so slowly, so a few days later we investigated. Well my mate investigated while I made cuppas and chatted. We found that the water pump was shagged (probably because someone had run the car too hot and put too much pressure on it, ahem!) and so we fixed that by putting a spare one we had on, and then fixing the thermostat gasket as well, and everything was hunky doory. So off I went to my mates in Scunthorpe full of the joys of spring (sort of). I like to go once a week, as I get a lovely cuddle from Helen (my mates missus) and she also wears short-ish skirts most times. I have to mention also that she has a very, very, very nice set of pins. Anyway I was getting a little off the track there, as I do when I think of those legs and women, so I got there no problem. No overheating, or sign of it, but I wasn't going particularly fast as it was raining. |1-Everything was going almost too well... I set off back for home at 2:30AM and again it was raining. Everything was going well, until about 10 miles into the journey. As I arrived at the junction where the A180 and M180 meet, all of a sudden the car starts coughing and spluttering. From the way it was acting I thought that the petrol gauge was telling porkies, and that the fuel had run out. I got to within a couple of hundred yards of the petrol station that was at this particular junction (and it was a 24 Hour one also - lucky or what?) and it stopped working altogether, so I ended up pushing it. I started pushing it with my window wound down so I could steer it. I got to the entrance and found that there was a steep drop to the actual pumps, of around 20 foot or so, over the couple of hundred yards. All of a sudden the car started to pick up speed (and although the engine was obviously off, and also the ignition) it still speeded up under it's own momentum. I was struggling to keep up with it, and the pumps were looming into the path of my mini. It got to within about 30 yards when I finally caught upto it, but I still had to get into the car to steer it away. I opened the door, slightly panicing by now. I jumped in, and steered, and braked at the same time, and was very relieved to see the pumps go past my left hand side, as I almost took a coat of paint off, it was THAT close!!! I got out the car, and it was raining very hard, and the door nearly blew off, as it was really windy. |1-Lucky or what? The assistant just looked at me in amazement, with her mouth virtually touching the floor at what had gone on. I told her of my predicament and filled up with a fiver's worth of petrol. Unfortunately the petrol gauge wasn't lying, and it still didn't start. I was feeling pretty annoyed, and upset by this time, but after about 5 minutes I thought I would try again and that it was maybe a little water getting into the distributor cap (as mini's are well known for this problem) and to my relief it was that problem, and it started. I drove the 20 miles home without anymore problems, and I can tell you that it is difficult to drive all that way with your fingers crossed. I got cramp after about 15 miles, but kept with it until I reached the outskirts of town. I think that the car has some sort of affection with the A180, as it seems to want to stay with it. Everytime I get on it the car just doesn't want to leave, so I will be going to Scunthorpe on the old A18 (the road that used to be used before the A180 was built) the next time I visit Barny, and Helen. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The future's bright, the future's ORANGE, and so is my car!! ______ ._____ ____ ____ \____\ ___/_ \ \/ / .__`/ \ __/ \ \_ _/ | _____/ \ / \ | l________\/___/\___\ `--' .___. ._____ ___/_ | _l_ | __/ \ | / \ | \ l______\l_Shai___\ ____ ._____ ____ ____ / __/_ ___/_ \ \/ / \____\ | __/ \ \_ _/ / l \| \ / \ /________/l________\/___/\___\ End 0 09-Word3.txt-~\IA[ 11-MiniStory3.txt-|2-Guess what... |1-The Mini Story |2-Grows even bigger. By PeX le SeX/iNDi Just a quick little article to add to the others about the infamous little orange mini. I visited my friends Barny and Helen the other day in Scunthorpe and I just had to type an article about what happened. For once NOTHING did happen, I actually travelled on the A180 and got there AND back without incident, I was amazed I can tell you. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The future's bright, the future's ORANGE, and so is my car!! ______ ._____ ____ ____ \____\ ___/_ \ \/ / .__`/ \ __/ \ \_ _/ | _____/ \ / \ | l________\/___/\___\ `--' .___. ._____ ___/_ | _l_ | __/ \ | / \ | \ l______\l_Shai___\ ____ ._____ ____ ____ / __/_ ___/_ \ \/ / \____\ | __/ \ \_ _/ / l \| \ / \ /________/l________\/___/\___\ End )9 06-DumbandDumber.txt-Ոo011-NoisyChildren.txt-$faf|1-Noisy Children $fff By Zebedee/Carnage $faaNoise is great, the louder the better, $ffaLet's make some noise and splash in the water. $faaChildren screaming, they're running around, $ffaEach little person is making a sound. $ffaJumps in the air comes down with a splash, $faaCome down too hard, end up with a rash. $ffaIts getting dark, come out and get dry, $faaPack up their things and then wave goodbye. $fff end xt-wꯕQ 11-Note.txt-|1-JUST A NOTE Right then ( hey don't all my articles start this way?, well i'm lazy OK ), this is just a small article to see if anyone liked me story ( the horror one, thats if Freak bothered to put it in! ) and I would like to hear what people thought of it, and indeed if they would like me to do any more short ( or even some longer ) stories, and maybe some non-horror stories. Well if you have an opinion ( and hopefully you will ) and want to contact me ( which you might not ) here's my address . Also if you want to contact me for another reason right to the address (?) below: Stuart Nicholls / Dead Head 61 The Laund Leyland Lancashire PR5 3XY England OK see ya |1-DEAD HEAD End  11--.poem.txt-= 11-Over50's.txt-|1-Strictly For The Over 50's By Siege / iNDi We were born before television, before penicillin, polio shots, frozen food, Xerox machines, contact lenses, videos, frisbees and the pill. We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ballpoint pens, before dishwashers, tumble dryers, electric blankets, air conditioning, drip dry cloths... and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together (how quaint can you be!) We thought fast food was what you ate in Lent, a Big Mac was a large raincoat, and a crumpet was what we had for tea. We existed before house husbands, computer dating, dual careers, and when a 'meaningful relationship ' meant getting on with cousins, and sheltered accomodation was where you waited for a bus. We were before day care centres, group homes and disposable nappies. We had never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt, or young man wearing earings. For us 'time sharing' meant togetherness, a chip was a piece of wood or fried potato, 'hardware' meant nuts and bolts, 'software' wasn't a word.<------. | I think that we all get the idea WB/NFA Before 1940 'Made In Japan' meant junk, stud was something that fastened a collar to a shirt, and going all the way meant staying on the double-decker until the bus depot. Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. In our day cigarette smoking was fashionable, 'grass' was mown, 'coke' was kept in the coal house, a 'joint' was a piece of meat you had on sunday, and 'pot' was something you cooked in. Eldorado was an Ice cream, a 'gay' person was the life and soul of a party and nothing more, while AIDS just meant beauty treatment or help for someone in trouble. We who were born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch when you think of the ways in which the world has changed and of the adjustments we have had to make. No wonder that there is a generation gap today... BUT WE HAVE SURVIVED SiEGE/iNDi - Nowhere near 50! End ):06-HomeCinemaReview.txt-NB 011-PagerCodes.txt-$faa|1-Pager Codes. $ffaHere are some of the codes you can use when dialling a pager, I've only included a selection as some are shite. Some however are quite clever in the way they mean certain things, some need thinking about. $fff General/Memorable $afa 1402 - I love you 666 - Wicked 925 - I'm at work 424 - Football Match 100 - Thats fine, perfect, 100% 007 - Its a secret 180 - Major change of plans 999 - Urgent 1664 - Fancy a beer 69 - Hot date 99 - Ice cream (strange message to leave someone. SiEGE) 13 - Bad luck 777 - Good Look 747 - Airport $aaf So there you have it. Just what you wanted to know eh? $fff SiEGE end ,+* 11-Bomb.txt-M2011-HorrorStory.txt-OS0!11-Tiredness.txt-$faf|1-Tiredness $fff By Zebedee/Carnage $ffa I'm in a chair in my dressing gown, I feel my eyelids closing down. I'm feeling tired must stay awake, I'm gonna drop, this trance must break. There is a flash, a sudden jolt, Like I've been hit, a sudden bolt. I sit up straight, I am awake, I didn't drop, time, did break. $fff [I'm getting the impression you like poems Zeb. Kei] end 0 i11-KidsJokes.txt-  11-TrialsBiking.txt-|1-Are Trial Bikers nutters? By PeX le SeX/iNDi I recently had the chance to see some indoor trials biking at the Sheffield arena. My mate Sacko rang me up one afternoon at around 3PM, and asked if I wanted to go to see some trail bike stunts, and I said "How much will it cost?", "Nothing", he replied. The ticket should have cost 12, but the guy who dropped out had already paid for it. The guy who dropped out was soooooo drunk that he was still in Manchester sat on the floor at his mates' house in his undies gibbering. Now that's drunk! I have never really been that interested in trials biking, but I have been on Sacko's trials bike, and it is bloody brilliant to ride. It really shit's you up riding it. The guy's that were on show (of which this is the first EVER in Britain) were the Top 8 in the World, and they had to do the 10 obstacles dotted around Sheffield Arena (which was massive - and they only used half the stadium, and it is around 15,000 capacity). The obstacles were so tricky that the 7 times world champion finished 5th, and not in the final race off. The best bits were the massive jump, and the half time entertainment. The jump they had to do was around 30+ feet in the air, and the h/time entertainment was this guy called Ot Pi or something, and he was on a BMX. He went from the top of the arena, down the stairs (about 200 steps), across some seats (that fold back) and into the arena, then proceeded to do most of the things thats the trials bikes had done (apart from the jump) but he got onto one obstacle, which was around 18 feet high, and jumped off it twice...... I will tell you that Dougie Lampkin (who???) won, and Steve Colley came second. Steve Colley seemed to be the crowd favourite, and did some amazing stuff with his machine, but then again they all did. One guy, a Spanish rider who's name has slipped me jumped onto a 5 feet high wall (as part of one obstacle) that was just a touch wider than the bike (so you had to be precise to stay on), and when he had jumped onto it he managed to stall it, so rather than just rolling off, and failing the obstacle he balanced it, and kick started it, on top of this wall, without falling off, amazing!!!!! I really enjoyed it, and could go to see another, even if it was 12. It is the same price as going to see a football match nowadays. End -HMO11-Wrestling.txt6-|2-Wrestling |1-A question posed! Who reading this article here thinks that, wrestling is for real and not just made up. Not me any way, the thing about all these wrestling moves is how can it hurt so much that when somebody bounces into you and knocks you over in the ring you just fall down and then after a few more moves from your opponent who looks like he is trying to disable you, you can just bounce back up and beat the crap out of him, and then the cycle starts all over again like! Like they have got a cheek to call it a sport, when clearly it is a lot of acting. In my opinion the one that wins is clearly determined by the one that offers the biggest bribe to the other. And the best thing about it all is the Americans take it all seriously and believe what is happening in the ring is actualy for real. They pay big money to get into these fights/sketches/plays or whatever you like to call them. All I can say to them is "If you Americans want a real sport, then watch boxing, or is it to realisic for you?". If anyone has got any different ideas about this so called sport then please write a reply and put it into The Words next issuse eh! by Sci of Syndicate End xwvu0 09-WillYouGetThatJob.txt-9&  <11-Zebrugge.txt-|1-PeX le SeX`s trip abroad to |2-Zebrugge By PeX le SeX/iNDi Here is a little bit about our trip from Hull to Zebrugge that we went on the other day. Hull is just over the Humber bridge from us in Grimsby, and is a 30 mile trip. It was a few days away from this poxy country, and a big excuse to get wrecked (although not shipwrecked as that would not have been good, heheheheheheheh). We set sail at 6:15PM on Wednesday night, and got to Zebrugge at 8AM (Belgium time - which is an hour ahead of us in Britain). With us being skinflints and not booking a cabin we were due to sleep in the reclining seats room. Problem is that if you can imagine 80-100 people sleeping in the same room the smell of sweaty feet is mega, so we decided to kip in one of the bars. Some of the lads had been on this trip before, so they knew the score. First thing we did after booking in and put our luggage away in the lockers was to have a walk around the boat. It was massive, not only in length, but really high off the ground (or should that be water?) |1-Major League Pig Out Dinner started at 6PM, so me, and one of the blokes were playing on a shoot `em up right near the dining area, and when the call came through on the tannoy, we were right in the middle of the game. Rather than finish it, we just left it, and were the first to be let in (in true fat git style, of course). The food there was something else though, maybe the best part of the journey. The amount was vast, and all those choices. Not just a few, you name it, it was down there in front of you. First trip was a plate full of chips, roast potatoes, and mash potato, about 6 inches high, with gravy on. Then we put them down and went back for the other stuff, like massive slices of beef, pork, or any other meat, or salad (not for us though), and sheppard`s pie, and some mushy peas, with some more chips etc just for good measure. After eating all that there was desert. Again there was loads of choice, and loads of it too. We had loads of strawberry, and mint ice-cream, pancakes with syrup, really sicky cakes, including chocolate gateaux. After eating all that we were feeling well podgy, so we went outside for another look. The boat had actually set off while we were eating, but I hadn`t noticed. The boat was trying to get out of Hull docks, and it had about 6 inches either side of the docks, and that`s NO exaggeration! It took about 45 minutes to get out, and then it really started to honk on. I thought that I might be sea sick, but as all the tablets say, must not take with alcohol I thought I would risk going without. It turned out that I was alright anyway, which is more than can be said of some of the others, more of that later. Although we sailed in the last week in March the sea was nice and calm. It is a weird feeling when travelling on a boat, as you get your balance, and then all of a sudden you sway slightly, not a lot, but enough for you to feel a bit strange. I brought a dozen Castaways with me, in my luggage, just in case the bar prices were really steep, and as it turned out it was a good job that I did. It wasn`t that the bar prices were steep, it was just the fact that the boat didn`t stock it, AT ALL!!!!!! Not even in the duty free shops. I was gutted. I ended up drinking blackcurrant and lemonade on the return leg, as I can only drink Castaways. All other alcohol I have tried (and liked) has had an allergic reaction to me, so I was gutted about the Castaway situation. We had picked (luckily, not on purpose) a good day to travel, due to the fact that there were loads of 15-16 year old exchange students swarming all over the boat. English, German and French lasses dressed in not much (when the disco started), not that us blokes minded. |1-Jammy or what? So as the night grew on, we got more and more plastered. We were playing on the bandits all night, and I managed to get 50 quid from one of them. I had 2 or 3 nudges and all I could see was mixed bars, which I thought was about 1.60, but I actually got 4 mixed bars, and that was 20. Not realising this I got a hi-lo gamble and went higher on a 4, with the limits being 1-10. I got a 10, and then obviously went lower to get a 6. I then looked at the flashing lights in front of me, and saw that it was flashing on the 50 mark on this 200 jackpot gambler. Jammy or what? Still I soon lost most of that in the casino on the boat. I lost about 30 playing blackjack, but the women behind the table were amazing. When the bar was closing all the lads ordered a round, and with 5 of us, we had to get through 5 pints each (mine were coke). That saw us through to about 4AM. By then all the lasses had gone back to the cabins, and we were getting a little tired. On one of my many trips to the bogs I heard one of the group in there already, who was not bearing up as well as the rest of the group, shall we say, as he was "Yodelling in the porcelain caverns", or "Meeting his friends Rolf, and Huey", generally making a mess of the floor. I ran back to the group and we all piled into the bogs for a good laugh (aren`t we nasty)? We didn`t get much in the way of kip as breakfast was called at 6AM (5AM actually because of the time difference). As I am not the best of risers I was not the first into the area this time, but there was still loads of nosh around. I piled my plate high with fried eggs, beans sausages and bacon, as well as toast, and bread rolls. After a couple of platefuls of that, and some Rice Crispies I had some ice-cream, and a cuppa or two. Then after a shower (the showers were excellent) I got changed and we hit Belgium. After getting the bus out of the ferry port and to the train station we decided to go to a place called Blackenburg (which I nicknamed Battenburg). The last time the lads went it was in the middle of the season, and therefore there were loads of lasses sunbathing, playing beach volley and the like, and most of them weren`t wearing much. With the more liberal not wearing anything, but most were just topless (I can`t see a problem with that though, can you?) It isn`t a topless or nude beach, but the people aren`t really bothered, as theye continentals are more laidback about these sorts of things. Problem was that we went a week before Easter, so it was out of season, and therefore most of the attractions and shops were shut. We were walking around the beach at 9AM, with not much to do, so after a while we noticed a snooker place open, and played that for a couple of hours, whilst eyeing up all the local talent, that passed the window every now and again. |1-Now were talking... Then back to the train station for Bruges as we thought that would be busier. We were right. I am not a man for the sights really, but I have to say that there were some beautiful sights there, namely churches and buildings of differing splendour. There was this one building in the town centre, and it was HUGE!!!!! It was like a palace, all grey, red, and white, but not a dull grey. I have been to Buckingham Palace, and I think that this building in Bruges is bigger. There seemed to be thousands of windows. It was probably a museum or town hall. Another thing that really pleased me was the fact that all the sign posts were ORANGE!!!! and also the clothes shops in the town all had orange garments in, I think that I have started a craze off, with this seasons colour being orange. All the best dressed women were in orange, and I was well pleased. One thing that I noticed is that there seemed to be hundreds upon hundreds of cafes and restaurants. In the town centre it seemed that EVERY shop was one. How can they all stay in business I wonder? In the shops that weren`t cafe`s or restaurants they were some nice things for sale. As there are roughly 50 Belgium Francs to a pound it seemed that everything was really overpriced. It was I that started the phrase of the trip "How many F`s!" as everything was priced with an "F" after, for example a plain Easter Egg with nothing special was priced at 860F (which works out at about 17), so I shouted "How many F`s!" So after that everything we saw was usually followed by "How many F`s!". We saw a jewellery shop with prices of 80,000F and the like for a necklace. We actually saw 1,000,000F on the outside of a bank, probably advertising a 20,000 morgage (as I can`t read Belgium). Everyone we spoke to could speak English, and it made me feel a little embarrassed in the fact that they could speak my language but I couldn`t converse to them in their natural tongue. We English are a little arrogant in that fact I think. We expect everyone to speak English, even if they are foreign. The Belgium people certainly know how to make a sweet though. We tried some ice-cream and it was fantastic. The Belgiums are known for their chocolate, so I had to try some. It is very expensive though. I bought a box, about the size of an "After Eights" box, and it was a selection of choccies. It cost 274F, which is about 5.50. WoW though. They were lovely, although I didn`t try many, as I brought them home, and after sharing them around my family and friends there weren`t many left. After the soveneirs and the face-filling with sweeties we left this fine city and got back on the train. We headed back to the ferry, with us all knackered, as we had been walking for ages, and with not much in the way of sleep were shattered. Due to the fact that we got a little disorientated we ended up walking through a trailer park, and over an embankment to get to the ferry, but still made it in plenty of time. |1-What a picture, what a photograph When back on the ferry it was more of the same as the outward journey, with the first on the agenda being FOOD!!!!! of course. One of the best parts to that particular meal was the face on one of our group. He is a long distance driver, and really hates Germans. I don`t know whether this is from a holiday, or trips that he has done on the continent. Anyway, we were eating our grub, and this German party sat on the table behind him. he didn`t realise this for a while, but the rest of us did, and when he finally realised he just turned round and stared at them. I bet they were thinking "What`s up with him?". He stared at one of the party who had just been speaking (who incidentely looked like Jean Luc Picard, from Star Trek TNG) and when he looked back at us we all burst out laughing. It was a classic picture, I wish I had had a camera for that moment, `cos it was smart. The boat had all sorts of things, not only a casino, but also a posh bar, with a singer on a grand piano, singing (well obviously) some modern, as well as oldern type songs. She was fit as well, and what a voice. I bet she could suck start a Harley with those lips. Another thing the boat had was a cinema, so a couple of us went for a look. The films that were showing were good ones, not any old rubbish. They were recent ones, like Pet Detective 2 - When Nature Calls, and Babe, but we watched Jumanji starring Robin Williams. I am sure that you have heard of it, as it is all about a board game, that makes things come to life. Apart from shouting "Asif" a lot we were impressed. I have to admit to nodding off once, due to the lack of sleep I had. The special effects were excellent, especially the part near the end when Robin Williams character gets sucked through the floor, like quicksand and the ripple effect of the wood, was to say the least very effective. Also the part that most people have seen where there is a stampede. Well worth a watch in my opinion. |1-Well worth one, or several... For some reason the exchange students were allowed alcohol on the second night of the trip, so by the end they were mostly plastered. They were dancing in the disco bit, and as the evening progressed they were getting more and more uneasy on their feet, and one lass was flirting like mad, problem was that she had about 5 lads around here most of the night. She was very nice though, and a nice pair of melons to boot. By the end of the night we were struggling to keep our eyes open, but were entertained by the aggro that had errupted (I think that it was teenagers not being able to hold their liquor myself), with loads of the english group shouting football songs. As they were from Newcastle they were all "Toon Army" songs. I wanted to go in the middle of them and shout "Up the Reds, Manchester United are the best" even though I don`t support Man Utd. The rest of the group chickened out, by stopping me, spoil sports. The French and German group were not far from starting a major league punch-up, now that would have been fun. After an hour or so they all calmed down, with the aid of the ship`s police officer, and they all went to their cabins. When I woke up I felt worse that when I had gone to bed, I don`t know why. Breakfast went without incident, so I assume they must have slept it off. I ate a huge amount of brekky, as usual, and sat zombied drinking tea for about half an hour, desperately trying to wake up, and feel better. It never really happened, and we docked on time at 8AM. We got off and out the ferry port, and onto the bus to Hull City centre. They charged 1.30 for about a mile journey, ripping b*st*rds. We got off that bus and while most of the group got on the train back to South Yorkshire, me and Sacko got on the bus back to Grimsby. One more bus trip when in Grimsby and we were home, as he lives round the corner from me. I went straight to bed when I got home at 10AM, and didn`t surface until about 4:30PM, I was knackered, but thoroughly enjoyed myself. I spent about 130 in total, but it was well worth it. We may be going back in the summer, so if I do, I will be keeping you informed, OK. |1-Bye For Now, and remember |1-ORANGE is a SMART colour End jihgf 0T11-MathsExam.TXT-HȨ-'rq7_ NFA-TW10b7ei7^Fqؙv?00 NFA-TW10brs~}|{zyxwvuts(?00-ArticleFormats.txtp$faf|1-Lordy me, it's the... $ffa|2-Article Formats $faf|1-Text file, with many fine examples! $fff by Freak of NFA $dddWith the new format of The Word comes a new control code for your article, so now's a good time to go over the lot of them so that your articles will look good and we have the minimum of formatting to do. If you're unsure about anything in this article, go into your favourite text editor and load the file "00-ArticleFormats.txt", and examine it. $faf|1-Plain ASCII Please! $fdfPlease don't use a text editor that inserts control codes into the doc to make it look pretty. We require only plain ASCII text and so recomment that you use the same thing that you'd use on your Startup- Sequence, something like CygnusEd, or just plain old Ed will do. The width of the articles is set to 72 characters and the text is indented by four spaces. This means that if you format your text so that it is 72 characters wide it will appear centred on the screen. Lines longer than 72 chars WILL be displayed and will wrap around the screen on a graphical basis, so that text that comes in from the left after wrapping will be one pixel lower than that on the line it originated from. Either set CygnusEd to a 72-character width (Shift+Amiga+"6") and set word wrap to ON (Amiga+"6") or tap the spacebar 71 times, followed by a character to act as a marker, and don't go beyond this marker when you type your text. $ffa|1-Big Text! $ffdBig Text is a single phrase that you want to appear in the above 24-point font. Because it is a 24-point font it takes three lines of the normal text to display, so you should leave at least 2 empty lines after it. To display a string in Big Text you simply preface it with the control string "|1-" and ensure that the "|" character is the first character on that line. For example: The string: $ffa |1-This is Big Text $ffdwhen placed up against the left-hand edge of the screen, will produce: $ffa|1-This is Big Text $ffdand two blank lines are left after it so that the bit text doesn't over- write any subsequent lines of ASCII. $afa|2-Big Big Text! $dfdBig Big Text is another single phrase, as above, but it is displayed in a stonking 60-point font for super-emphasis. As it's 60-point it needs 6 empty lines after it to ensure it doesn't overwrite anything else, and if you want to display descender characters (g, j, p, q, y) then you should leave 7 blank lined after it. Again, the display code is similar to the Big Text, you simply preface your string with "|2-" and it's all done automatically, so for example the line: $afa |2-Blimey! $dfdwhen placed up against the left-hand border of your file, will produce: $afa|2-Blimey! 1- 2- 3- 4- 5- 6- 7- $dfdand in this case 7 extra lines are required as there's a "y" in the string, taking up another line. In both of these bigger-text examples, no small (normal?) type can be on the same line that the bigger stuff starts on, it'll be included in the big text string, however you CAN put normal ascii on the subsequent lines if you take care that they don't overap the main text, illustrated by the numbers 1 to 7 above. $aaf|1-Clip Art: $ddfDue to time constraints, Clipart is yet to be included in this version of The Word's magazine engine (many apologies to Bootblock/Terraform who spent ages inserting requests!), however it'll be first on the list of "Things To Do" for issue 11, and should see a much easier-to-use control method than before. $faf|1-Colour!! $fdfThis is a new addition into the article text, every line in your article can have it's own colour assigned to it. By default your article text will be displayed in white, but you can change the current line colour at any point by inserting a standard 2-Byte RGB value into the start of the line. These values are used by all paint programs, such as Deluxe Paint and Personal Paint, and so you can find nice colour combinations beforehand by playing with these packages. As before with the large text codes, these sequences must appear at the start of the line where you want the colour change to take effect, the codes go in the format $RGB where R=Red, G=Green and B=Blue, all colours having standard values from 0 to F. Note that full green *must* be requested with $0F0 and *NOT* $F0, which would be logical. $fff|1-What's first then? Here's how you should produce your articles, this is the easiest order for less-experienced people. 1> Main body of text, type your article, leave titles and subtitles as normal text for now, don't worry about spacing. Format the text to 72 columns, and split it into paragraphs where required. 2> Go to each title or subtitle in turn, and insert either "|1-" or "|2-" (do not include quotes) at the left-hand border to use the larger fonts. If you have used font 1 then ensure there are 2 blank lines AFTER the one starting "|1-", if you have used font 2 then ensure there are 7 blank lines (8 if you have used either q,y,p or j in lower case) AFTER the one starting "|2-". Ensure there are no spaces between the "-" and the start of your title. 3> Change the colour at the START of any line by inserting the hex value for it at the left border. It DOES NOT MATTER if a colour code pushes the width of your text beyond 72 colums. |1-The Word Article Tester... The Word Article Tester (TWAT :) can be found on disk 2, you should copy it to your C: directory (on your hard drive, non-HD owners should SERIOUSLY think about getting one!) and run it from the CLI. Simply load any .txt article file via the gaudy green requester and you can see what the file will look like in the magazine. The keypresses for TWAT are as follows: C/Up - Scroll upwards through the text C/Down - Scroll downwards through the text Sh+C/Up - Scroll quickly upwards through the text Sh+C/Up - Scroll quickly downwards through the text Esc - load another file view the requester F1-F8 - Speed set to 1-8 pixels per frame F10 - Quit TWAT will search the Ram Disk for a file called "TWAT.loadme" which should contain the full name (including path) of the file you want to pre-load, so you can use it via Directory Opus by creating a MENU entry: AmigaDOS C:Echo >RAM:TWAT.loadme {f} AmigaDOS C:TWAT End w      (HTWATpv04O00-ArticleFormats.txt.infop2.6**.#6U@      ?  ~   @   UUUUVUUUUUUU`UUPUUPUUP0UUPP PP?PPPPUUPUUPUU?P5UUP UUPUUUUUPp%^ T4O Disk.infoph,((h++-#^A,*H7700000?>u_q]_Ъrޅ_UUUUUPUwePj]-ЪJonowxgpU~PnU}=WeP}:b U}WeP=z`Q@P/PPP/PPP/PPP/PPP/PPP/PPP,.P$Hxxxxx]}Ъ*UUUUUPU_P]Ъw{p7UPvU~U5P>j U~U5P>jQ^1P******************4OHD_Install.infop!߹44O Files.infop18()]*--2"A*qn" ^A8 O? //A/B*-A/U**?0UPE+F. EU\ E"U UUxUUUUUTUPE+F. EU\ E"U UUxUUUUUTUPE+F. EU\ E"U UUxUUUUUTUPE+F. EU\ E"U UUxUUUUUTUPE+F. EU\ E"U UUxUUUUUTUPE+F. EU\ E"U UUxUUUUUT8 RHpoUS `US@@@@@@ @`@ @@j?^?U[?@W~?]5UZJ;%w?@UUUUUT?^?U[?@W~?]5UZJ;%w?@UUUUUT?^?U[?@W~?]5UZJ;%w?@UUUUUT?^?U[?@W~?]5UZJ;%w?@UUUUUT?^?U[?@W~?]5UZJ;%w?@UUUUUT?^?U[?@W~?]5UZJ;%w?@UUUUUTR. HD_Installp`0 File_ID.dizp . . /\ ____: /\ . | / \| |______/ \ - --+/ \ :| :|__ \ | / :|: ___| \ \-+-- / \ |. _) ' \| // |\___| |___| \ / | | | | \ `-------' `-----' `------' --+-----------------------+- | The Word issue 10 2/2 : Released 17th May `96 : -+-----------------------+- :  File_ID.dizpJܩR. HD_InstallpCopy Install.s RAM: Execute >Nil: RAM:Install.s Wait 1 Delete >Nil: RAM:Install.s YXWVU T4O Disk.infopn0l R4OHD_Install.infop7V,,x,-@*%x% 3K,W ..*]*H   @ { @ PYQ@WEU@(@"A(`U@ nWDU@HpEw@@ * " IJWU@ȈUU@ @0|#"OsЀ0|#"OsЀ0|#"OsЀ0|#"OsЀ0|#"OsЀ0|#"OsЀ,[?{WWWP?{SUP.n@1PS/PnCoDP n $V= @h,@j"Q j0*wtp7`j"*${" wpww`UTU@nUTU@jZDDFdD@jꪠ@ aa`@['?aa`@['?aa`@['?aa`@['?aa`@['?aa`@['?C:IconX(WINDOW=CON:70/60/500/130/TW10_HDInstall4O00-ArticleFormats.txt.infopS j4P Install.sp ; Harddrive Install for The Word 10... Echo "*Ec" Echo " This script will attempt to install issue 10 of The Word" Echo " to your harddrive, do you wish to continue (y/n)?" NOLINE Ask "" If NOT WARN Echo "Terminating Installation" Skip FINISHED Endif Echo " " Echo " Now you will be asked to select a destination for The" Echo " Word, a directory (called 'Word_10') will be created and" Echo " the magazine will be installed there, press return to" Echo " continue..." NOLINE Ask "" Failat 21 Echo >Ram:TW.temp0 "Assign >Nil: TWTemp: " NOLINE RequestFile >>Ram:TW.temp0 "" PATTERN "" TITLE "Hmmm" POSITIVE "Do it!" DRAWERSONLY NOICONS Execute >Nil: Ram:TW.temp0 Delete >Nil: Ram:TW.temp0 ;----------------------------------- Directory Assign Failed... Assign >Nil: TWTemp: EXISTS If WARN Echo " FAILED! - Installation was unable to Find" Echo " and Assign Requested Directory!" Skip FINISHED Endif ;------------------------------------ Create Destination Dirs... Makedir TWTemp:Word_10 Makedir TWTemp:Word_10/Files Makedir TWTemp:Word_10/Files/Setup ;------------------------------------ Create icons... If EXISTS "ENVARC:Sys/def_drawer.info" Copy "ENVARC:Sys/def_drawer.info" TWTemp:Word_10.info Endif ;------------------------------------ Wait for Disk 1 in any drive Assign >Nil: NFA-TW10a: EXISTS If WARN Echo "*n Waiting for disk 1" NOLINE Lab DISK1 Assign >Nil: NFA-TW10a: EXISTS If WARN Wait 2 Echo "." NOLINE Skip DISK1 BACK Endif Echo " " Endif ;------------------------------------ Copy main files etc... Wait 1 Echo "*n Accessing Disk 1*n" Echo "Copying Main Executable..." NOLINE Copy "NFA-TW10a:Word.exe#?" "TWTemp:Word_10/" QUIET Echo "Done" Echo "Copying the Articles..." NOLINE Copy "NFA-TW10a:Files/#?" ALL "TWTemp:Word_10/Files/" QUIET Echo "Done" Echo "Copying the Fonts..." NOLINE Copy "NFA-TW10a:Fonts/#?" ALL FONTS: QUIET Echo "Done" ;------------------------------------ Wait for Disk 2 in any drive Assign >Nil: NFA-TW10b: EXISTS If WARN Echo "*n Waiting for disk 2" NOLINE Lab DISK2 Assign >Nil: NFA-TW10b: EXISTS If WARN Wait 2 Echo "." NOLINE Skip DISK2 BACK Endif Echo " " Endif ;------------------------------------ Copy main files etc... Wait 1 Echo "*n Accessing Disk 2*n" Echo "Copying the Articles..." NOLINE Copy "NFA-TW10b:Files/#?" ALL "TWTemp:Word_10/Files/" QUIET Echo "Done" Echo "Copying the Article Tester..." NOLINE Copy "NFA-TW10b:TWAT#?" "TWTemp:Word_10/" QUIET Echo "Done" Wait 2 CD TWTemp: Echo "*n Your copy of The Word issue 10 is now installed in" Echo " the directory " NOLINE CD Assign TWTemp: DISMOUNT Echo "*n You do not need to make any assigns but we would" Echo " Recommend a utility like FreakBoot or BootSelect" Echo " is used to maximise your CHIP RAM." Ask "*n Press Return..." Lab FINISHED EndCLI >Nil: (?00-ArticleFormats.txtpH`  (HTWATpsHzHHI&TNJg,$! !N. n (gB" & @I<(X/BrQC<@߁~GNp 0dm"p(T"-x ?`NtW# ;MՅy +Œ91QE?ʈ`~+eҀA4]@=P(sɌF|۬ |1Ok>,, ivtbz'6p Nk0LǢCb$ąX -w*]oKSU9G "H^RV'T~) &~<]AaB~矯 C"8b.J'AO:J"ʋ!یRv[PBg0': "id'Qr2T'ߢ/)+SX / +&F|)ɗKg'Ob봁>IF-IoCO#[i@gCFs %D!!(GeC6ދG6?DΠ@8'ĩj򱆅OBWX \RHa g2q6) /煂2G% %7ܫWo{?mwD" [cnÿ g0g5>5) _ { ,d$kd8|noM"幟&1߇$SR=3j\4,@$ PP- |]neELtv^|H3@\9ȅL &Jt Gxg&qm$?ٌ9:yt`(l`jۓ(4d'=Y'IH/r&g!B! 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OF . . __|____ __ __ __________ ___ ______ _______ ________ ___________|__ | ___| \/ | | \| | | |__ __| _________| |___ |_ _| | | | | | ----| | | | | ________| __|____| |__| |__|__|____/|___|______|___|___| |__| |___________|__ ! NINJ 1996. ! =============================================================== . ______________ . ___/| \____________/ /l_____ _/ l___ ______ ___ / \ \ ! Y Y Y____:. \_ \\ : || | | || | / \\ : !| ! | !|. .! // \\ :| ..: | :| // \ .___l______l___l____. // \j -dDl_/ OpEn YoUr MiNd - LeT uS iNsIdE """""""""""""""""""""""""""""" FoR tRaDiNg & 100% FrIeNdShIp... rAbL / vOiD nOoRdErIeP 586 7876 Eg VaLtHErMoNd HoLLaNd =============================================================== End 010-FootballCliches.txt[ ,ӕ0g h12-TextAds2.txt-|1-Text Adverts part 2 =============================================================== /\____/\______/\_______/\_____ /.| __/ _____/ / __/ // | \ | \__ ____/____ \ / ! .\ ! .\ | .\ ! \ / \\ \\ ! \\ \ \_______ /_____ /____ /______ / \/ \/ \/ \/[k!^CBtK] OpEn YoUr MiNd + LeT uS iNsIdE sNOOPY/vOID 6 tREHERN cLOSE kNOWLE sOLIHULL wEST mIDLANDS B93 9HA eNGLAND uK lEGAL sWAPPING oNLY =============================================================== __________ ____ -=-=-=-=-=-\ /_|\-=-=-/| | =-=-=-=-=-=-\ / | \-=-/ | | -=-=-=-=-=-=-\ /| | \-/ |__| =-=-=-=-=-=-=-\/=|__|___T___|__| Modules Keith Baylis More modules 28 The Oval C64 stuff Gloucester Surrealism GL1 5EB Odds'n'sods United Kingdom Musicians, especaially chip, and any module-swappers can let some bytes seep into a file-shaped entity =Vm!= - built for something =============================================================== .!. . __ aRE yOU sEARCHING fOR a nEW gROUP tO jOIN !! __. _\/_ _\/_ \/\/iF sO, tHEN wRITE tO tHESE oRGANISER'S :-) \/\/ : . ______________ . : . ___/| \____________/ /l_____ . _/ l___ ______ ___ / \ dT214 / vOID uK: : \ ! Y Y Y____:. \_ 37 hAYFELL aVE . . \\ : || | | || | / hERON hILL . . \\ : !| ! | !|. .! // kENDAL : : \\ V :| O..: | I:| D // cUMBRIA . . \ .___l______l___l____. // lA9 7JH . : \j -dDl_/ eNGLAND uK : . . . aLSO 4 pURE fRIENDSHIP sWAPPING - oUTSIDE uK oNLY!! : : . . . . : : jAY / vOID uK . . 27 fALCON cLOSE, aDWICK-lE-sTREET, dONCASTER, . . sOUTH yORKSHIRE, dN6 7uS, eNGLAND uK. : : . . . . . . rABL / vOID hOLLAND <( fOR 100% fRIENDSHIP )> . : nOORDERDIEP 586, 7876 eG vALTHERMOND, hOLLAND : . . . . : : . oR 4 jOINING + pURE fRIENDSHIP wITH oUR jOINT-gROUP . : ________ : . / ______/\ cONTACT :) sTYLES / s2^vOID . . / /\____ \/ hOLLEWEG 82 . : /_____ /\ 1851 kJ hEILOO : . _\____/ / / hOLLAND . . / /\__/ / / . : / ______/ / : . / /\____ \/ . . /_____ /\ oR :) sCANDAL / s2^vOID. : _\____/ / / hOLLEWEG 68 : . / ______/ / 1851 kJ hEILOO . . / /\_____\/ hOLLAND : . / /_/_/ /\ . : /_______/ / . . \_______\/ vOID + s2 wOULD lIKE tO sEND oUR bIG : . tHANKS tO aLL tHOSE wHO cOUNT iN . : fRIENDSHIP!! (pAST oR pRESENT). . . : `aZK!' =============================================================== /\ /\ . / \ / \ | |______ ______ \ \ \ /\ / / /__|_[ | __ | \/\ \/ \/ /\/||> | | []| \ /\ / WrD || || | \/ \/________|)__| |______| ///\ /_______// ) ______ _ _ _ ======= / / (__/ .K. () Send ArTc|es 4 the Wrd t: P.BX 4 Grmsb SuTh Humbersde Dn r r va emai| t: cmd94020@scorch.tees.ac.uk =============================================================== End )(0 09-quite.txt[?s&04-Addicted!.txt-$ffa|1-I'm addicted $aff|1-and it's all WiZzard's fault! $fff By Kei Of Carnage $faf I hate computer games, I prefer to code or do graphics, or maybe read downloaded text files or even write some. Maybe do some comms or phreaking? Or possibly collect GIFs & JPGs but never play games! The ultimate evil! To use a computer just to play games! 8( $faa Then WiZzard came along and inserted an innocent looking disk into the disk drive... and SUPER FOUL EGG loaded! $faf It looked like a crap PD game at first, but spurred on by WiZzard's words.. "You'll soon pick it up" and "your gonna get thrashed" I grabbed the joystick.. $faa Big mistake! Several hours later we had missed the film we were going to see at the cinema and Amida was bored to the point of playing with his new data storage system while waiting for us to notice his existance. $faf This is a warning! Do NOT play this game with a friend! It is addictive! I will no doubt get over it. (after I'm cured from WORMS addiction) And after I do.. I'm gonna beat WiZzard! 8) $fffend srqpo 0&10-Bonetti.txt[| )1D04-agaCD-REVIEW.txt-$faf|1-NFA - The AGA Experience CD $fff By BootBlock/TerraForm $ffaThis is the very first CD I got (I also got the Assassins games CD for free with my order! [from Weird Science]) and I think it would deserve a review! Well, what can I say! This CD is brilliant! Although there are a couple of let-down problems - read about them later... $fff CONTENTS ~~~~~~~~ $ffaThere are the following dirs : $affAGA_ANIMATIONS - Contains a few huge anims and a 6-disk DMS'ed anim. AGA_DEMOS - Contains LOADS of ready-to-run and DMS'ed demos. AGA_GAMES - " " ready-to-run and DMS'ed AGA games. AGA_PICTURES - " " lots of AGA pics from renders to women (yay!) AGA_PROGRAMMERS - " " a some source code. No ANUS or Blitz 2 code =( AGA_SLIDESHOWS - " " L-O-A-D-S of DMS'ed stuff and some ready stuff. AGA_TEXT - " " various announcements and project reports, etc... AGA_UTILITIES - " " TONS of ready-to-run utils and some DMS'ed. DISKMAGS - " " some mags including The Word, Killers, (NFA)... MUSIC_MODULES - " " 14 mods, from 150K upto a nob-bending 1400K ! RENDERING - Rendering stuff, although I haven't had a proper look. $fffAmong a couple of others. $ffaAbout 90%+ of the CD are runnable directly off the CD. Although I had a few problems as I couldn't get my CD-ROM drive to boot (gis a break, I've only had my drive for a week!) and had to make a script that assigned everything for me (including the games). The actual execution of the script took over 7 seconds, but now (using my superior skills =) it only takes under a second ! $fff**UPDATE** $ffaIt is now about (roughly) 2 months since I got my CD drive and (that's also when I got the AGA Experience) and have seen pretty much everything on it. It is a very good CD, although here is a couple of "niggles" .... Quite a lot of the Default ToolTypes for quite a few of the files are set wrong (ie. "IconX" instead of the full path "SYS:c/IconX") and which was an aRsE to get going (y'see, I haven't got a harddrive ... yet ?) (So make IconX >>Resident< Er... um... that's all I could think of actually! Erm, oh yeh, a couple of the icons have been `Snapshot'ed in weird places - I suppose that's because there's only a certain amount of space in a 640256 screen (although, I've started to use a HiRes 688512 (Non-Interlaced) running in 16 colours on a standard Amiga1200). Here is the overall rating :- $fff 96% out of 100% $affA very groOovy CD ! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= $ffaSorry it's not a very good review, but I'm in a weird mood and have a right twatting migrane - becoz' my "m8" smoked about 800 fags in me bedroom last night -- THE TWAT ! **UPDATE** I have had my drive for over 3+ months (I got it on 19/01/1996). End  )fa09-SoapBird.txt[a^k)1T04-AlienBashII.txt-$faf |1-Alien Bash 2 $fff reviewed by $faf|1-Mammoth/Syndicate $ffaThis was on this months Amiga Doormat and I`ve been playing it enough to be able to review it, so here goes... Alien Bash 2 opens with a nice little title page and scroller, some nice dot effects on the high scores and information pages I might add. Using joystick select yer option and smack the button. The game is basically an eight way scrolling tribute to Chaos Engine, with samples from Gods and graphics from Chaos Engine. In truth it plays really well, there are several nasties to blast and weapons to choose from, the grenade gets rid of the flowers on the shelves which machine guns cannot get to for instance. Alien Bash 2 has eight levels with the same graphics on each level, there are switches to allow access to different parts of the level, prisoners are there to be rescued and the same end of level dude to blast before progress is made. When playing it I noticed a nice little bug, if on your last life you kill the end of level dude a split second before losing your last life you are infinite for the rest of the game. (Thats how I completed it fact fans). But that does`nt deter from what is an excellent game and one well worth playing again. $fffOkay, now for the ratings.... $afaGraphics - 78% Chaos Engine with a better scroller Sound - 70% Samples from Gods, good music tho. Addictiveness - 85% I had to complete it Lastability - 74% I think I shall go back to it. Overall - 83% First impressions last, ace game this. $fff End kjihgf `0 09-Flamabilty.txt[W   w-u g04-BugglesCodes.txt-$faf|1-Another fall to the mighty, this time... $ffa|2-Buggles! $faf|1-surrenders it's Full level codes! $fff Codes ripped by Freak of NFA Game supplied by Deck the Ripper/BFA $affWoo! This one took at least 20 mins once I decided on the approach I was going to take, the author had encrypted all the passwords in the file which meant Plan B! $afaI didn't test all the level codes, just four at random, 2, 26, 82 & 100, I figured that if they worked, the rest would too... :) $affThere's also a cheat mode somewhere but I didn't stick around to try and find it, cos' the games CRAP! Better that Primal Rage though... $ffa 1 JXTIJWMNIN 2 CTIZDYMICO 3 QENLPAETUP $afa 4 IMYJIJYPXQ 5 OHEWKONDYL 6 QTSXCADFOT $ffa 7 XVMJQROTJD 8 NMRHYPZGDN 9 NQPKNVZSFA $afa 10 IMPUUBNSJW 11 BMZDVLEFBK 12 MYTTYFPPUC $ffa 13 NATKUWCMOQ 14 TVTUXWEHOX 15 IMJIRRXYZR $afa 16 FGILHFNPEX 17 DBWLQWCZJR 18 CRARGWQQSK $ffa 19 EGVQMTKQZL 20 FEQRAWKGYY 21 KZGOJDKXAM $afa 22 HIVYIDJNEO 23 PUTFLTMWWI 24 UXJQWRXVXH $ffa 25 CRVMWNICEP 26 QJPPBRUPDE 27 QTNVEVGRSD $afa 28 WBPVBHAMLP 29 AIZNPUQPZJ 30 KDJGCLLLUI $ffa 31 SPPRDFRSAU 32 WPJNHILWII 33 HCFVHXWPHL $afa 34 ODMRIQPXNS 35 JHHTLOQHOJ 36 YQYKVFAGQP $ffa 37 MPQFNZNXSR 38 ZKLZLRZGRB 39 COHVLLWWSO $afa 40 TALXAMBOJC 41 FDEBJNUFAX 42 WWUMIJEBCA $ffa 43 AUVYYPPYKG 44 AQVGCWBVWF 45 XKONACGRZL $afa 46 QAZULFXHFU 47 GXNGREENWY 48 WBNJARIGPC $ffa 49 DIXDOINOQK 50 TFWUAJZKZC 51 GRMOUTWXNY $afa 52 OIUAIFTDTK 53 MCZJVHFXUR 54 QVYVAOMARX $ffa 55 OTVVYRVPXA 56 LYYCYWZIOX 57 YYTIZXJTXJ $afa 58 AEOQEEZYED 59 JXSWRBMITD 60 BUFRJGNVIL $ffa 61 JCMZWUKXEG 62 OHFQVLIVQJ 63 ZMQPFFTXDW $afa 64 DDWPYXFOUW 65 HBOTGGUVJD 66 MZWPKCKRJT $ffa 67 EEBRNJFVQY 68 YPZPZKJHXT 69 ERTQCZVDBL $afa 70 VPGGRBRLRF 71 JZHTDPDFTJ 72 WNYLFIYZRH $ffa 73 YDDOONCHYU 74 IFSIOMVNSB 75 ONNEOYPCGB $afa 76 DJHAHOOHUQ 77 JLCCVERTTC 78 TECTVYCOZQ $ffa 79 VFSMLKRVTM 80 TEUCWYLLWC 81 RWEQJKFIKS $afa 82 OKKXGPPWMC 83 PEQWGLFWXS 84 WIAMUVJCNU $ffa 85 KEKKSALYQB 86 RVMTTRIVKD 87 ZPBVMETOIT $afa 88 XTMMDFRZPG 89 EMVSQCQEHO 90 KUUUAFKORB $ffa 91 BZIEJFOGQM 92 UUORGXOIPR 93 JACDQYADGO $afa 94 GDATMWRTJJ 95 VYZJXACINX 96 YOAOMHLSWC $ffa 97 XKIPEPOQUW 98 PIENNEIWEW 99 AYZPBFSTPC $afa 100 UJYUHCUFFJ $fafIf you have a game that you want the codes ripping from, or you're writing one and want to see how it fares, write to me at the Grimsby P.O.Box and I'll see if I can help ya out. $fff End +*009-Suits-You.txt[  K  5)2q05-AlcoholAbuse.txtK-$faf|2-Achohol Abuse $ffa In society today there are many problems created mostly by the younger generations, these problems fall into diffrent categories. A small percentage of them categories are things like making a nuisence of themselves, but the rest of the categories (a large percentage) are crime related, such as things like under-aged smoking, illegally organised gangs, vandalising property (pubic & private), breaking and entering, stealing, and the one the one we are going to discuss now drinking, and underaged drinking, or in other words "alcohol abuse". $aff Even achohol abuse itself falls under even more categories, such as drinking and driving, family abuse, and worst of all fatalities. It has even been proven with the Goverments scientific evidence over in the United States of America, that a very high percentage of all crimes brought to court have received convictions. The persons have pleaded that they were under the influence of alcoholic substances! $ffa If you want to be even more confused then wait until you hear this. Now for some weird reason doctors have even said that it is good for you to drink beer with alcohol in it (why would you drink beer withOUT alcohol in it - WB), about one to three pints, every week, maybe it is a fact and maybe it is not, but milk is good for you TOO! Doesn't mean you have to drink it, now does it ! $aff The thing about it is that, the youth that end up drinking it at a very young age (under-age drinker), they are wrecking their lives ahead for themselves. By drinking this fluid, the users are sort of like changing the bodies needs, and because the body gets alcohol introduced into its system on a regular basis, the body then comes to require it, as if it was part of the body itself, and if it is just suddenly stopped being introduced to the body then, your body might have some strange attack or stroke or even something similar, because the persons body now requires the alcohol again to just carry out daily tasks. $ffa Apart from the physical aspect of things, there is a sort of mental side to alcohol abuse, this can cause the person to hallucinate. In some extreme cases people have drove off the roads and crashed, or the person committed some other violent offence. $aff This can be serious, so much so that a new law has been introduced to enable the police to lift anyone they might suspect of doing harm to themselves or anyone surrounding the person. So if the person is drunk and is in a disorderly state (hence the phrase Drunk & Disorderly) then they can be taken to a cell, left overnight and be released in the morning, when the effects of alcohol have worn off. The person that was put in the cell might not like it but infact this is a service to the public and will keep them safe from alcoholics that would be liable to commit crimes. $ffaThis article was forced out of me by some unknown force! $fff by Sci of Syndicate End 'ਓI<  #T?=<;:9876543210/.-,+*)('&%$#"! Za~ )2 05-dole.txt-$afa |1- Being on The Dole - its painful $fff dun by Mammoth/Syndicate $afaImagine the scene, you have a well-paid job, the work is interesting, you`re getting on well, spending loadza dosh, putting some aside, out on the booze Friday afternoons, life is good. $fffWhen suddenly...... $afa Crash! The company uou work for gets rid of you, you are unemployed, jobless. Its a bloody painful experience let me tell you, I signed on a few weeks back and had someone come round one morning to assess my claim. Now I live in one room in a guest house, this guy asked me some questions which I answered honestly, he left we shook hands, everything okay. I signed on last week and recieved my first giro this morning, quite a shock I can tell you! I am getting 62 quid per fortnight, 62 bloody quid! Its lucky really cos when I left I got a settlement so I can survive for a few months, then it gets hairy cos I dont get any benefits for 26 weeks. So by August they will give me proper Dole money, I cant wait until then, so, what do you do? If, like me you really want to work keep a record of what you do, agencies you are on, companies you phoned etc. Any interviews you get go to the Job Centre and get a Travel to Interview scheme form so they pay for it, I`ve been doing that for a week now, had five forms from them, they totalled 80 quid, I`m arsed if I am paying! Being unemployed you get a lot of time to yourself, luckily enough us Amiga users have a decent hobby that takes up a lot of time, but Computers do get boring at times and thats when depression sets in. There has been times recently when I have got quite upset about what has gone on, thinking about life at work, the fun you had, and then waking to the reality that faces you, thats the bit that hurts. Feeling rejected by anyone hurts a bit, but rejection when you were so happy sticks the knife in and twists it round. I live alone so I get a heck of a lot of time to myself, so you can understand my moods. The one thing I don`t do is complain, I know my predicament and its up to me to get myself out of it, its no good moaning on about the fact that its not fair and other people have had the same job for ages etc.... the fact is you have to prove yourself, because as the saying goes, $fffGetting a job is a job in itself. --------------------------------- $afaRemember that phrase folks, dont tar us doleeees with the same brush, we`re not all scrounging bastards like some people I have met, most of us want to get up a seven to work twelve hours, come home and have a kebab (that was me two months ago anyway!). So, until Blitz 2 updates 100 256 colour bobs in one frame, I`ll CU all L8R!! End ~}|{zyxwvuts(?00-ArticleFormats.txtp>;x-,+*)('&%$#"! )4 05-Ebola.txt-$aff|1-The Ebola Virus $fff By Zebedee/Carnage $afaThe Ebola virus had its publicity a while back both in the tabloids and on television, then died out just as quickly as it appeared. In fact that encounter in 1993 wasn't the first time Ebola had been discovered. It was first encountered back in 1967 - and there is still NO cure! $faaWhat is it? Its a virus that takes as few as 28 days to kill its victim by reducing their insides to pulp. Because its a virus like AIDS is, antibiotics don't work and it isn't possible to immunise people by giving them vaccinations. $afaAnyone read the book, `The Hot Zone' which is about the Ebola virus? There is part of a chapter which describes what an Ebola victim goes through from when they catch it upto when they die. It does NOT sound very nice and if I caught it and there was no known cure - I'd go down to the station and play chicken with the trains. $faaThe way the Ebola works is very different from the AIDS virus in the way that it tries to convert the host into the virus itself. This of course is not possible as humans, as we know them need to breathe in air. What the virus does to our insides is just like putting your guts into a blender for a few minutes - it reduces them to slush. $afaThere was an outbreak in Africa back in 1993 where the Ebola virus took over a whole village. That village was quarantined and I can't remember the outcome of the event but I do remember the massive coverage the tabloids gave it. $faaThe way the AIDS virus works is to destroy the immune system. This increases the chances of dying from something so simple like the common cold because the immune system that counter attacks the cold virus has been destroyed by the AIDS virus. A person can carry AIDS for a few years before they die. With the Ebola virus the carrier dies around a month of contacting it. $afaStarting on page 44 of the book The Hot Zone it describes a person called Charles Monet and the effects of the virus up until it kills him... $afaThe headache begins, typically on the seventh day after exposure to the agent. He felt a throbbing pain behind his eyeballs. The headache got worse and won't go away with painkillers. Then he got backache. On the third day after his headache started, he bacame nauseous, spiked a fever and began to vomit. His vomiting grew intense and turned into dry heaves. $faaHis face lost all appearance of life and set itself into an expressionless mask, with the eyeballs fixed, paralytic and staring. The eyelids were droopy, which gave him a peculiar appearance, as if his eyes were popping out of his head and half clsoed at the same time. The eyeballs themselves seemed half frozen in their sockets and they turned bright red. The skin of his face turned yellowish and began to resemble Limburger cheese, with brilliant starlife red speckles. He began to look like a zombie. $afaHe became sullen, resentful, angry and his memory seemed to be blown away. He was not delirious. He could answer questions, although he didn't seem to know exactly where he was. He acted as if he had had a mild stroke. $fff[At this time in the book his friends stopped by and decided he should go to hospital and drive him there] $faaThe doctors at the hospital examined Monet, and could not come up with any explanation for what had happened to his eyes or his face or his mind.They gave him injections of antibiotics which had no effect. $fff[The doctors decided he should to to Nairobi Hospital which is the best private hospital in East Africa] $afaHe could still walk, and he seemed able to travel by himself. He had money; he understood he had to get to Nairobi. They put him on a taxi to the airport, and he boarded a Kenya Airways flight. $faaA hot virus from the rain forest lives within a twenty-four-hour flight from every city on earth. All of the earth's cities are connected by a web of airline routes. The web is a network. Once a virus hits the net, it can shoot anywhere in a day - Paris, Tokyo, New York, Los Angeles, wherever planes fly. Charles Monet and the life form inside him had entered the net. $afaMonet became airsick. He holds a sick bag over his mouth and coughs a deep cough and regurgitates something into the bag. The bag swells up. Perhaps he glances around, and you see that his lips are smeared with something slippery and red, mixed with black specks, as if he has been chewing coffee grounds. His eyes are the color of rubies, and his face is an expressionless mass of bruises. The red spots, which a few days before had started out as starlike speckles, have expanded and merged into huge, spontaneous purple shadows: his whole head is turning black and blue. The muscles of his face droop. The connective tissue in his face is dissolving, and his face appears to hang visibly from the underlying bone, as if his face is detatching itself from the skull. $faaHe opens his mouth and gasps into the bag, and the vomit goes on endlessly. It will not stop, and he keeps bringing up liquid, long after his stomach should have been empty. The sick bag fills up to the brim with a substance known as vomito negro, or the black vomit. The black vomit is not really black; it is a speckled liquid of two colors, black and red, a stew of tarry granules mixed with fresh red arterial blood. It is haemorrhage, and it smells like a slaughterhouse. The black vomit is loaded with virus. It is highly infective, lethally hot, a liquid that would scare the daylights out of a military biohazard specialist. $afaWhen a hot virus multiplies in a host, it can saturate the body with virus particles, from the brain to the skin. Then, the military experts say, the virus has undergone `extreme amplification'. This is not something like the common cold. By the time an extreme amplification peaks out, an eyedropper of the victim's blood may contain a hundred million particles of virus. During this process, the body is partly transformed into virus particles. In other words, the host is possessed by a life form that is attempting to convert the host into itself. The transformation is not entirely successful, however, and the end result is a great deal of liquefying flesh mixed with virus, a kind of biological accident. Extreme amplification has occured in Monet, and the sign of it is the black vomit. $faaHis blood is clotting up - his bloodstream is throwing clots, and the clots are lodging everywhere. His liver, kidneys, lungs, hands, feet and head are becoming jammed with blood clots. In effect, he is having a stroke throughout his entire body. He doesn't seem to be fully aware of the pain anymore because the blood clots lodged in his brain are cutting off blood flow and causing small strokes. His personality is being wiped away by brain damage. This is called depersonalisation, in which the liveliness and details of character seem to vanish. $fff[...end...? Your article just runs off here mate, is that it? I bloody hope s because ot made me feel like speaking toGid on the big white telephone, eeeuuurrrgghhh! - F.ed] End 4O00-ArticleFormats.txt.infop./543210/ )4@05-Genetic.txt-$aff|1-Super Foods $fff Typed up by Zebedee/Carnage $ffaI was glancing through the Plymouth Evening Herald earlier on and came across a quarter page article about food and how scientists have genetically engineered it to produce super foods. What surprised me was the number of foods mentioned. Of course I know food is being genetically engineered but I didn't know to what extent until I read the article... $fff Genetically Modified Food: Super Foods $ffaScientists developing new varieties of foods are manipulating genes - the basic stuff of life. A gene is a strand of DNA, or deoxribonucleic acid, that tells the cells to build the proteins which create the specific characteristics of a plant or animal. Processed tomatoes: Genetically modified tomato puree will be available in Safeway and Sainsbury's from February. The tomato contains a gene that slows down the action of an enzyme, polygalacturonase. The enzyme makes the fruit mushy by breaking down pectin. Modified tomatoes can take 40% longer to rot. Fresh tomatoes: US biotech companies are developing rot-resistant fresh tomatoes and frost-resistant tomatoes which incorporate genes from cold-water fish. Potatoes: Adding extra genes from bacteria that live in the human gut produces crisper chips. Reducing an amino acid which contributes to bruising and rot produces `perfect' potatoes. Poultry: Modified genes enable breeding of chickens resistant to salmonella. Food poisoning costs 1bn per year in the UK. Eggs: Hens that have been genetically adapted lay bigger eggs more frequently. Yolks modified for more yellow color. Low-cholestrol meat: Genetically modified pigs grow faster, produce more muscle and less fat. Milk: Cows treated with bovine growth hormone, BST, produce 15% more milk but `burn out' quicker. Banned in Europe until 2000, moratorium on use in Canada, authorised in the US. Cattle: Synthetic hormones, beta-agonists and natural growth hormones produce more and leaner meat. Super salmon: Genetically engineered hormone injected into eggs result in salmon which grow 10 times faster than normal. Pest resistant crops: Scorpion venom gene, engineered into a virus, is used to spray cabbage to kill insects. Rice: Disease-resistant gene isolated. Known as Xa21, the gene resists bacterial blight - the world's worst bacterial plant disease infecting almost every crop species. Rice is the staple food for more than half the world's population. Wheat, oilseed rape: Engineered to be herbicide resistant, so fields can be sprayed with immunity. Soybeans: Genes found naturally in oily fish like mackerel and salmon lower saturated fat content. Corn, cotton and potato: Bacteria gene (Bt) creates a genetic insecticide. When Colorado beetle larvae, budworm or bollweevil eat the plants they develop stomach ulcers, stop eating and die. Humans can safely eat the protein made by the gene. Now I think its time for me to say some more on this subject. In the bit about pest resistant crops, it was mentioned that the scorpion venom gene was engineered into a virus. If microbiologists can manipulate something like scorpion poison into a virus by playing with the DNA, then whats to stop them building a `frankenstein' virus that hunts down and kills the AIDS and Ebola virus - the latter which is far worse than the first! $fffEnd. .infop67>kEDCBA@?>=<;:987F)505-gettingajob.txt-$fff A concise guide to getting a job -------------------------------- by $afa|1-Mammoth/Syndicate $fffFinding a job, the right job is a difficult task, theres the letters, the CV, the interview, so you need a bit of help, right? Well, heres where I come in, I recently lost my job and in the weeks since have been inundated with interviews, heres how to go about getting the right job. $afa|1-Part 1 - Finding the vacancy $fff There are lots of ways to find a particular vacancy, theres Newspapers, Telly, Agencies, Word of Mouth (a friend might know someone who works somewhere and they`ve just had someone leave) and just phoning companies. Actually sending out prospective letters with your Curriculum Vitae sometimes works, it did for me as its the way I got my job at E.A.S.T in 1990, whatever way(s) you choose go about them in a constructive manner, if you join a few agencies dont just go to any old one, look through the Yellow Pages and select one through there, or go and see a Carrers Adviser at the Employment Centre, they are there to help you, its THEIR job to get you one. $afa |1- Part 2 - Applying for the job $fff Okay, so you know there is a vacancy at AJAX and Co, so how do you go about applying for it? If you went through an agency they do the hard work for you, but if not don`t despair, this is what you do. Firstly, phone them up and ask what the name of the Personnel Manager is, if they wont say just hang up. Then wait a couple of hours and phone back, ask for the Personnel Manager (if you have the name then say it, Mr Davis or Mrs Smith whatever), when you get through mention the fact you have heard about the vacancy and ask how to go about applying. The P.M will then either take your details and put an application form in the post or tell you to write a letter. At this point ask who to address the letter to, as it will go straight to them. When you get the application form (if applicable) fill it in as best you can and send it back, enclosing a copy of your CV. This is important as your CV is your life history, get it professionally done, look in the Yellow Pages or get someone you know who is a secretary to do it. Maybe do it yourself on your Amiga and print it out if you have a printer. The format of your CV should be something like this.... $ffaPersonal Details - Name, age, Address, Telephone Number, Health, Marital Status, Car Owner Education - Schools attended, qualifications, training, courses etc. Work Experience - Start with your first job and work down Hobbies - Obvious really, what you like doing. Make sure one of them involves people as prospective employers sometimes shun loners. Put down something like Following Ipswich Town FC (obviously not Ipswich, your team as it shows you like getting involved). References - Good one this, you need two, use either a previous employer or a friend of the family. Get somebody "mature", like a doctor or suchlike. I was lucky when I was younger as I knew Thetford`s Mayor and he was one of my Referees, as far as I know he had about 200 kids ask him and he actually CAME to me to be a referee. Right, thats basically a CV, make sure its no more than two pages as I`ve found that`s all employers will have time to look at. Keep it brief, to the point, but clear enough to understand. $afa |1-Part 3 - The Interview $ffa You`ve got this far? You are doing well, most people who apply for jobs don`t even get an interview, so you must be doing something right. Preparing for it ---------------- Research the Company a bit, go to the library and dig out some information on the Company, when they were formed, employees, Customers etc. That proves you have taken an interest in the company. What to wear ------------ This is the most important thing of all as it shows what type of person you are. For boys ALWAYS wear a suit with a tie, polish your shoes and wear a white shirt, never wear white socks as it is unprofessional. Girls wear a blouse and jacket, a conservative length skirt (NEVER a mini as again it is unprofessional). Remember to look your best, as smartness goes a long way. (When did you last see a Scruffy MP?). Turning up ---------- Get there about ten minutes early, if its raining take a coat and unbrella and shake it outside. When you enter the building walk with confidence, stride out with a purpose. The first person you will see will be the Receptionist, introduce yourself like so... "Good Morning/Afternoon, My name is XXXX XXXXX and I have an appointment with Mr/Mrs XXXXXX" Above all, look happy and SMILE!!! The introduction ---------------- When the person arrives make sure you are standing up and shake hands firmly, then follow the person to the interview room a couple of strides behind. The Interview itself -------------------- This is the most nerve-racking thing of all, being face to face with someone who you could soon be working with. Try and relax, maintain eye contact most of the time, and look interested. NEVER slouch in the seat or fold your arms, sit up straight, hands in lap or if possible with your chin on the gap between your thump and index finger. (This shows a philosophical person, someone who is trustworthy and paying attention as your hand is the pedestal on which your head is resting). Answer the questions truthfully, only take about ten or twenty seconds between each answer, keep them clear and dont "erm...", its best to be quiet for a few seconds whilst thinking of an answer. After the interview thank the interviewer for their time and leave, also say goodbye to the receptionist as its good manners. |1-Part 4 - The reply If you got the job, nice one! If not, repeat part one until job found, (does that sound like programmer-speak?) try and find a document on interview techniques. The one I have is from my agency and is very informative, phone an agency and ask for one, they can only refuse to send one out. |1-That`s it really I can only wish you luck in your quest for a job, its not easy as most advertised jobs have 100-200 people applying. If you are skilled go through an agency as it saves the hard work. Take me for example, I`ve been out of work nearly three weeks and had ten interviews, I have another four this week and they are all from just two agencies, although it helps living in London and having three years experience in RPG400 programming. So, until I see a Metropolitan Line tube train without graffitti on the side, I`ll be writing for The Word. (Mammoth, 6ft tall, 19 stone, fat bastard) End 44O Files.infopFGf -JIHG)5 05-JobCentre.txt-$afa|1-Has the $faa|2-Job Centre $afa|1-Gone mad??? $fff By Pex le SeX/iNDi $ffa I don't know if this is an isolated incident, or more widespread and maybe even nationwide. I will tell you what I saw when I signed on a few days ago. I opened the door, and saw that the DSS was virtually split into two identical sections. Now we have a red team and a blue team, and you are only allowed on one side of the job centre. I wonder how long it is before we get guards, and spotlights. Then we will have to be able to be a sniper and get through the doors, and to the desk without being seen. When I sign on I have had to start seeing a "Claimant Adviser" and so don't queue, because I sign with her, after the little talk we have to have. Basically it is one of these "What have you done in the last 2 weeks to get a job, and how many sorry, but no thanks letters have you got from firms, type interview". I am sure most of you know what I mean. I think that you have 6 of these interviews and then you go on a course. I have had 5, and the sixth is due in a fortnight. I was due to see the same woman as I have seen for the other 5, because she knows all about me, and what jobs I want, and have applied for etc. Problem is that she works for the RED team. So what was I to do? Well it looks like I will be allowed in the red half to see her next time, but I was wandering if I maybe need a passport, or more than likely a form to fill out. Another thing about only being allowed in the blue half is that all the decent looking women are in the red side. I asked the old biddy that served me "When are we going to get our blue hats and scarfes?" she just looked up and looked blankly at me. I thought you miserable bitch. Well another article is completed, and maybe if you have had similar things happening in your area you could jot down a few lines for an article in issue 10. $fff End pK L ~XWVUTSRQPONML%)6t05-Overheat.txt-|1-My mini has |2-Overheated... $ffa By PeX le SeX/iNDi $fff Well the news of the week is as follows, it doesn't make for good reading. I was visiting some friends of mine in Scunthorpe (which is about 30 miles away), and the drive there went fine and so did the evening until I left at 1:30AM. I was travelling home from their house when I noticed that the car started smelling really sweet, almost sickly. The smell was definately anti-freeze. I pondered to what could be the problem, why the car was smelling sweeter than a tarts bedroom. I pulled into a layby, as I was in the busy A180 road, that is the main dual carrigeway between Scunthorpe and Cleethorpes. I opened the bonnet of my little orange mini, and I saw there was steam coming from the top of the radiator breather pipe. I thought to myself, something is not quite right here, so I let off the pressure and after a bellow of smoke poured out things died down. I let the engine cool off a little, and then cranked it over. It started without a problem, and I went off again, this time with a little less water. I got about another 5 miles or so before the next thing happened. It was almost like one of those scenes that you associate with James Bond in his car. It was almost as if I had pressed some sort of button, and the whole car filled with steam. It was so sudden. One minute I felt the heater go cold, and the next there is steam coming in through the air vents, and under the dashboard, and from behind the speedo. The car had filled with steam within seconds, and I was driving at 60mph down the road. I slammed on all the anchors, switched off the lights, and turned off the ignition. I was out of my bucket seats before the engine had stopped winding down. I have never moved so quickly in my life. I thought that the car was going to blow up, or catch on fire. After a few minutes I went back to the car, as I had gone to a safe distance of 50 yards or so. Again I eased off the pressure in the radiator, and there was alot more steam this time around. I got in after about 15 minutes of letting it cool down, only to find out that it won't fire up. It was cranking, but nothing sounding remotely like the proper sound of a healthy car when trying to fire-up. I decided to go looking for an emergency phone box, which isn't the easiest of things to do at 2:30AM, and with no lights of ANY description about I had a visibility of about 15-20 foot. I found a box on the other side of the carriageway, but it was easy to cross, as there were only passing lorries to worry about, passing me every minute or so. I opened the box, and picked up the receiver. I listened whilst it rang, and rang, AND RANG!!!!!!! I hung up after about 5 minutes, and at this point was nearly close to tears. I was so mad, and p*ssed off all at the same time, and bloody freezing to boot. I shouted and bellowed for a while before trying to knock 7 bells of crap out of the telephone. I am not a violent man, and deplore it, but it was really asking for it. So I wandered up the layby, and knocked on the door of a truck that was there also. I didn't really want to do this as the thought of waking up a trucker at 3AM isn't the most appetising at the best of times. Anyway I did it all the same. He was not well pleased, shall we say, and I thought that maybe he could help me. WRONG!!!!! He was pleasant enough in a "What the f*ck have you woken me up" type way, but I don't think he was too bothered, and wanted to go back to bed, and I can't really blame him. In desperation I tried the phone box again, and this time to my delight someone answered it. The woman I spoke to asked me to ring her again in 15 minutes as she needed to arrange a traffic car to come and sort me out, as I explained the situation to her. $ffa|1-PC's arrive, and jolly helpful they were. $fff The Policemen arrived, and we tried to push start it (after we had put some water in it). I felt a little sorry for the bobby who tried pushing the car with me in. With it being only a mini it is light, but with me sat in trying to pop start it it all of a sudden becomes a lot, lot heavier. No go though, so we ended up pushing it about 1/4 mile to the nearest layby, which happened to be over a flyover bridge thing, so the push up the bridge hammered, but the downside was alright. I then locked it up, and went in the police car as they offered me a lift home. They didn't have to do this, but they could see that I was a little mad and upset by my experiences that night. I finally got home at 3:45AM, over 2 hours later, and the journey is about 40 minutes normally. I got a lift all the way home, and as a token of my thanks I got a little card from the Post Office, to say thanks. So if you bobbies (PC's 1304 and 1439 of Hessle) are reading this then THANKS!!!!! As I usually go to bed at 5AM, and therefore get up at 1-2PM I was in a bit of a pickle. The policemen told me that I had to get it moved off the busy road AM, so with me not being tired, and my mind racing I decided to stay up all night, and sort things out at first light. I waited until 7:30AM and then rung one of my mates who knows about cars, and had a tow rope. He said that he had to get up to get the kids ready for school anyway, and after that was sorted we towed the car in. It is not the easiest of things trying to drive a towed car at 65mph, but I managed it. It was still bloody freezing, and without my engine working I couldn't put the heater on. I now know that it was the head gasket that had lost it's seal, and let water into the head, and we have fixed it, but I wouldn't like to go through that again I can tell you. Well that's my story, and I suppose that in times to come I will see the funny point, but I don't really at the moment. End R. HD_InstallpY Zo:dcba`_^]\[Zu)8205-ProhibitedParcels.txt-$faf|1-Prohibited Parcels $fff By Bolty Here's some interesting stuff from a leaflet I picked up down the post office the other day, entitled "Prohibited & Restricted Goods - A few limitations on goods which can be sent by post." $faf|1-Pathological Specimens $fff Pathological specimens are any biological material sent for medical examination or analysis, including blood, serum or vaccines, and semen for artificial fertilisation. Also prohibited are "Hazard Group 4" pathogens. So don't go sending HIV through the post. Exceptions include registered doctors, dentists, vets and the like, under special conditions/ packaging. $faf|1-Drugs $fff Drugs which are prohibited by general law cannot be sent by post, including cannabis, LSD, cocaine and opium. Any such drugs will be handed to police and action taken against the addressee / sender. Medical drugs are allowed with special packaging. $faf|1-Poisons $fff Any liquid, solid or gas which could present a health hazard, or which could contaminate other mail. Examples include arsenic, hydrogen cyanide, nitrobenzine, hydrogen selenide, rat poison, beryllium, fluorine, mercury or mercury salts, and nitrogen dioxide. $faf|1-Living Creatures $fff Not permitted, with the exception of bees, leeches, silkworms, mealworms, lugworms, earthworms, ragworms, caterpillars, pupae and chrysalides, maggots, fish fry and eggs, certain parasites and destroyers of noxious pests. Must be well packaged, 1st class and labelled "URGENT -LIVINGCREATURES" $faf|1-Radioactive Materials $fff Only small quantities are permissible by prior written arrangement. Activity of source must not exceed 1/10 the activity limit for accepted packages, as described in IAEA safety standard No 6. $faf|1-Compressed Gases And Aerosols $fff Includes hydrogen, ethane, methane, propane, butane and gas cylinders for camping stoves/ blow lamps. Aerosols are permissible under certain conditions, and packaging should be marked "DONOT AIRLIFT" You also need prior permission and details about combustibility of contents. $faf|1-Oxidising Material And Organic Peroxide $fff Any material which can cause or contribute to another's combustion, or in contact with certain acids, give of toxic or corrosive gases. This includes bromates, chlorates, nitrates, perchlorates, permangenates, peroxides, components of fibreglass repair kits. $faf|1-Corrosives $fff Any liquid or solid which has the property to cause injury or corrosion cannot be sent by post. This includes corrosive cleaning fluids, rust removers, paint removers, nitric acid, electric storage batteries, hydrochloric acid, sulphuric acid, aluminium chloride and caustic soda. Very dilute acids however are permissible by prior arrangement. $faf|1-Asbestos $fff Raw asbestos or any kind of loose asbestos fibres cannot be sent by post, with the exception of the very smallest samples for analysis, well packaged, clearly marked, and by prior arrangement. $faf|1-Flamable Liquids $fff Any liquid with a closed-cup flash point below 55C. Eg - acetone, benzene, petroleum, gasoline, lighter fuel, solvents, cleaning compounds, and paint thinners. $faf|1-Flamable Solids $fff Any solid liable to cause fire by friction, absorption of water, spontaneous chemical changes etc. Includes phosphorous, sodium, calcium carbide, potassium, sodium hydride, metallic magnesium, cellulose nitrate products, zinc powder, and zirconium hydride. $faf|1-Paints, Varnishes, Enamels etc $fff Can only be sent under special packaging conditions, and if not classed as "flammable liquids" $faf|1-Fag Lighters $fff Permissible if they only contain a small amount of fuel. Lighter mechanisms must be immobilised. Packages must bear words "DONOTAIRLIFT". $faf |1-Matches $fff Only safety matches may be sent, by prior arrangement, in quantities of no more than 600 per packet. $faf |1-Explosives $fff No explosive compounds, mixture, or device capable of producing an explosion or pyrotechnic effect involving substantial instantaneous release of heat and gas may be sent by post. Includes nitro-glycerine, blasting caps, igniters, fuses, flares, ammunition, fireworks and Christmas cracker snaps. Exceptions include complete Christmas crackers and sparklers with no more than 10cm of combustible material. $faf |1-Counterfeit Currency & Stamps $fff Cannot be sent, unless the genuine items are no longer valid, and they are therefore only of value as collector's items. $faf |1-Perishable Goods $fff Fish, meat, and fruit cannot be accepted, except by prior arrangement by commercial producers. $faf |1-Indecent, Obscene & Offensive Material $fff Includes: - all indecent communications, prints, photographs, books or articles - Letters or packets bearing offensive, indecent or obscene words, marks or designs. - Packets containing offensive material, such as excreta. $ffa So remember, next time you want to send radio-active waste, highly contagious viruses, ecstasy tabs, your pet cat, a bomb, or just a big pile of shit through the post, make sure its well packaged, so the posties don't find it. $fff end  R4OHD_Install.infopefgwvutsrqponmlkjihgf#Z)8x05-QuacksUnExplain.txt-$ffa|1-Near Death Experiences: $fff The Un-Explainable Is the Explained ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life is full of wonders and magic that man in all it's glory can and cannot explain. Why is it that man has and wants to strive for the knowledge, the key to life and the secret of life and death. What lies for us after and what lied before us in the beginning? What would and should we really gain from such knowledge and where would it lead us? Would the truth put fear in our lives or would we turn to eternal bliss and encourage and abuse ourselves so that we can reach that ultimate void beyond this so-called mortal world. Many people have and will write about reincarnation and they will try to explain it and the meaning of life. They will try to tell us what could lie in wait for us in our final days and they will try to tell us what happened before. Some will write about such things and contradict each and every comment they write and some may contradict the contradictions. Should we really strive to find and learn this knowledge of the unknown and why should we spend such vast amounts of time and energy trying to find this knowledge when we all know in our true truth of hearts that non of us will ever find it. Those people that have experienced these amazing out of body experiences, past lives, strange powers, unknown phenomena, religious worshippers and so on will never know the real truth no matter what they preach to us. Man should spend less time trying to explain the unexplainable and concentrate on the explainable and then, just maybe, we will eventually stumble across the truth and explain the unexplainable. So why is it that religion has caused so many of the wars in the past? Don't these religions try to bring man and his soul together as one so that one day we can enjoy eternity with the higher beings that we, may, call our gods? If this is so then each and every religion has done the opposite to it's aim and that is to destroy and ruin lives and beings and spread fear and not peace. What is the point of eternity and why should we live in heaven or hell for ever, whats the purpose - are'nt these the promises of religion and their gods? Is there really only one religion one god, which of the many is he, what form does he take, is there one, why is there one, and why is he here ...... will we ever know these questions and many more and most importantly why do we really need to ever know these answers? Have we not many problems to solve before we solve these? Are we just really scared of the unknown and scared of being wrong and because of this punished for such acts? Has man just really wrapped himself in his own mis-understandings and his own ideas through the lack of truth and knowledge. Could religion have misguided us in our own ways and feelings and in doing so de-railed us in our purpose? Do we really know the truth or could it just be so plain that we cannot see it? Man in his entirety is made from many atoms and molecules in such a complex structural form that it would be impossible for todays technology to clone or artificially produce another and the same with his surounding environment. We can only mould and mask what is already there. So when man dies he rottes and decays but those atoms never decrease in number or amount, they just reform into another being. From this known knowledge many people think that the inner sole, mans self-being works in the same way, it never dies, but reforms into another being. If this is so then it is the way it is, so why do we search for the truth? Cannot man and his being let life be and concentrate on what is really important rather than the issues of the unknown, the unknown being and the unknown religions. Either if man is here for a purpose or not, we really do not know but what we do know is that we are here and that we can be of some purpose, not to ourselves or to some non forseable god but, those around us. We are purpose and so we are being, we are the key to life and death, that is our purpose and that is the way - it will always be. ****************************************** After my first publication on life and it's meaning (see above) I received a few responses from various people, one being a monk. They tried to argue the fact that life has a meaning and that there is a purpose from our presence and that there is and always will be a meaning to the life after death. I will never disagree any fact be it sanely or insanly because we don't know anything in terms of hard fact about such things, so it would be stupid to laugh at such theories. After many conversations and talks with people I decided to research further into cases of life after death through books and locating people who say they have seen what lies with us after death as well as those that say they can remember the beginning. In particular a few books have caught my attention that vary in their content on what lies before us. "Closer To The Light" by Melvin Morse MD was quite a good book to read because he fully researched Near Death experiences (NDE's) and some of his documents can be read in the book. According to him the people that he interviewed had varies types of NDE's but they all revolved around one theory and that is the tunnel theory. What the book does not tell us is the other stories and facts that people have said about their NDE. I am not saying that these are false facts that he has documented but I would like to know if he really has had various other types of NDE that do not come even close to the tunnel stories. The most common NDE's are those that leave the bodies and travelling down a tunnel with a light of eternal bliss at the end. Some tell us of meeting our dead relatives and seeing god or his followers, but what about the other stories that differ quite dramatically? I hardly hear or read about stories where people have suddenly entered a new world and a new time, just flowers and peace flows around them. No presence of a person or a god just them with no-real physical form, these types of stories are common too. What about entering a new body and being able to control that persons body, knowing their facts, their life? These are all strange stories and tales but what I would really like to know is do these stories only concentrate in certain countries, certain religions and do they vary greatly? Could it be the way we have been brought up? Again so many questions that tickle our minds. In a few months I hope to start a proper study with my own research about NDE's through nurses and doctors around the country. Most of the books I have read and the information that has been passed onto me are from America, so I would like to see if cultural and religious behavour does vary the results as to NDE's. Finding people who have already had a NDE is hard and I do not want to ask people the direct question because they may not tell the truth or make up variations of their NDE and in doing so tamper the results. Finding and getting the results will take time and from the evidence I have gathered it may take years to get anything as near to a proper study as possible. Near Death Experiences are just one of the many unknown facts that haunt our lives and if man ever solves these facts then we may unravel so much about ourselves and god(s), etc. Are NDE's real or not is one of the questions that must firstly be answered and do drugs cause NDE's? LSD is supposed to be the only drug that comes close for a person to get a NDE as possible but it is far from it in real NDE terms. The only physical study that has been researched into what causes NDE's and the only recorded hard case was when Wilder Penfield was mapping the human brain. When Penfield was electrically stimulating the right temporal lobe in an area known as the Sylvian fissure the patient reported that he was half in and half out of his body. He reported hearing music and seeing dead friends and relatives and having a panoramic life review of himself. I am at present trying to get an official copy of his report especially the area mentioned above for my own research. Again finding and getting results will take time and patience while getting help required to do this will be great indeed but hopefully it will be worth it. As to the legality of doing this study I am not sure and like Melvin Morse I may need to approach the authorities if I wish help from doctors and nurses, otherwise I may have to result to private studies outside the hospitals scope. Written and documented by, Digit/N&B in 1995. End 4P Install.spxyWϬzyJ)906-ComputerNerds.txt-$ffa|1-Triumph of the $dd8|2-Nerds! $fff By BootBlock/TerraForm I have just finished watching this program on Channel 4 (14/04/96). It's a 3 part TV programme (not spelt "program") about nerdy computer user/programmers/etc. It told of how computers started and things like. All of the programme was about PeeCee's, MicroSoft, Apple and shit comps like that, and the computers that started the whole computer thing. Next week will be about IBM. Even before the programme started, I KNEW that there would be nothing about Commodore or the Amiga. Why? Because of all the fuckin' hype about how great the PeeCee is that fucking why. Gord. Bugger it, I'm too pissed of to type `owt else. EVERYONE: Write to channel 4 and give them a good fuckin' rippin'. End {|yR~}| )906-DJsAreShite.TXT-$faf|2-DJ's are Shite $fff Now, picture the scene.. you've had a terrible sort of day, the type of day that would make Mother Therasa want to lay out a leper. You're on the bus, or in the car or what ever, and you think 'Aha, I need some music to cheer me up', but you don't have a tape so you stick the radio on, expecting to hear the latest imaginitive use of modern synthesiser technology, or some ex-con shouting. But no! In the kind of moment that makes life worthwhile, you hear the start of Creep by Radiohead (Airplay 'fuck'-removed version). You crank the volume up to 11 and allow the emotional dagger that is this song to pierce your brain. Just as the song reaches it's mind melting, tear jerking climax. Mark 'no-talent, lame-brain, arse-hole' Goodyear hits the fader and squawks 'Hey, that was Creep by Radiohead, and did you know that their bass player has recently moved house, hey, hope his neighbours don't think he's a 'creep' ha ha ha. Cool. Now here's Corona with 'Old Rope'' $aff I don't want to come across as a bigoted, twisted individual but I want to kill this man. And not only the slimy piece of excrement that is Mark Goodyear, but Wendy Lloyd - I mean, how did she ever get a job, she's got a whiney annoying voice, she's not funny and she looks like an anorexic elf. Radio 1 gave her huge amounts of money to defect from Virgin, and she responds by punctuating the crap playlist with unfunny, cynical comments, obviously trying to sound clever, but actually sounding like a twat. $faf Now don't get me wrong here, some DJ's are good. I have a lot of respect for people like John Peel, DJ's who choose their playlist, and support new acts and so forth, and I enjoy listening to Mark Radcliffe who is very funny, and doesn't talk a load of garbage over the end of records. I can even listen to Chris Evans without wanting to slash my wrists or send a letter bomb to Radio 1 HQ. But the general policy of radio stations seems to be to find the most repellent person in the world, send them on a 'How to be more repellent' course and then stick them in a studio with a mixing desk and a load of crap records. If I, God forbid, ever meet one of these foul beings I will follow Simon Quinlag's excellent advice, ask for their autograph and tear it up in front of their madly staring eyes. Then, if I can stop myself from tearing their liver out, I will follow them around all day with a ghettoblaster on full, and turn it down two minutes into every song so I can talk shit at them. $afa [Rant Mode Off] ______ $fff /-ingle of Strobe End  (HTWATpO)9 06-DumbandDumber.txt-$faf|1-Dumb and Dumber $fff By Dead Head Well what can you say about this?... It stars Jim Carrey (the guy from the mask, who should be locked up) and Jeff Daniels. It also stars some other people but I can't think of their names. The plot (if you can call it that) is of a Lloyd Christmas (Carrey) and his friend Harry (Daniels, both of whom are big time losers) who travel to Aspen to return a case full of money which a client of Lloyds left on purpose. The whole film really is a Jim Carrey showboat but he carries it off with such penache (!) that you must laugh continually. One memorable quip is $aff (Carrey) - That's a lovely accent.....New Jersey? (Woman) - No, Austria! (Carrey) - Ah Austria, well, G'day mate!, slap another shrimp on the Barby! $fff And this is the first minute of the film. From there on it's great (the fight scene in Lloyds dream is a classic), and if you don't like it you need a humour transplant. Overall Rating 10/10 WorkBench/NFA addition :) It seems that you forgot to mention the small point in in the film where Harry (Jeff Daniels) is given a laxative drink before he goes on his date with Mary (Do not know the actress). By the time he gets there he is rather a desperate man in bad need of a dear shit. Finds the bog and proceeds to shit his load (Runny stuff and a bad smell is produced, facial expressions cannot be missed). After he has completely emptied his bowels, Mary shouts through the door "By the way do not use the toilet as it is broken" Harry's face widens and begins to stare at his masterpiece, attempting to throw the smell out the window. Lloyd comes to the front door and he takes Mary to get some cash. This part is the best. Freak/NFA addition: - Jeez Wayne, why don't you spoil the whole fucking film for us? End AT.infop 64=B06-Dutch_Clubland.txt-$ffa|1-A Guide To The $faa|2-Dutch Clubland $fff By Slipmatt Of /\/FA $ffa I wrote this out just incase someone was wanting to go to Holland for a week or two and wants to try out the clubs. Below is some information which might help you in anyway... $fff|1-Club Life In Rotterdam $faa Nighttown is probibly the best club in Rotterdam, with an enthusiastic crowd and a special future techno night on a Friday. The place to be on a Sunday is the Lunadrome (which plays garage music), organised by the same guy - Ted Langenbach - who does the Glam night at the RoXY and the MTC parties. $ffa The biggest club in Holland is in Rotterdam and it`s called La Xala (plays club and trance). Other clubs worth checking out are D'Groove, the Danssalon, Funki Bizniz and club Hollywood. $faa Four other clubs outside the two main cities also have to be mentioned: $ffa The Waokzamheid in Kong a/d Zaan (plays club and trance), The Luxor in Arnhem is especially good on Thursdays (plays club and trance), the brand New club 4East is near the German border; it has six rooms for different kinds of house music and its punters tend to be from all over Europe. Last, but not least, is the trance club called Doornroosje in Nijmegen. $ffa International clubbers are spoilt for choice in one of Europes smallest countries - so make sure you leave those coffe shops and investigate Holland`s up-for-it club land. You`ll love it! $fff|1-Club Life In Amsterdam $faa Trendy people have turned their backs on House parties and hit small clubs for their weekend entertainment, but there are still massive gabber parties at Energiehal and various one-off parties dotted around the country. The Escape club became popular last year for club parties, with Chemistry on Saturday night, organised by DJ Marcello and Eelco Anceaux. If you fancy a Sunday night session, get down to the Hour Power club, organised by DJ Vandy O'Mall. The Melkweg holds the Timemachine nights organised by DJ Per, and a new experimental dance night, Electric Circus, plays host to live performances and regularly invites international DJs to do guest slot. Another progressive dance night worth checking out is the VIP club, in Paradiso. $ffa However, the best known club in Holland is the RoXY with Hard Gay Night on Wednesdays (deep club), Dimitri on Thursdays (soul-techno), the Glam night on Friday (garage), and a dance on Saturday. Sunday night hosts a whole variety of sounds played by DJ Erick E. $faa The Mazzo is unbeatable for some good techno. Open seven days a week, this venue is constantly bouncing with big names playing at the venue even on Monday nights. The Sinners in Heaven has a breath-taking interior and a very trendy crowd grovvin` to mellow and club sounds, and the Vrieshuis Amerika (triphop to dance) is near the harbour and put together by a bunch of squatters - so you`ll find a very relaxed atmosphere in there! $fff|1-Other Amsterdam Info... $ffa Amstersam is well-known as a dance paradise, but the whole of Holland plays host to a wide range of diverse club, ranging from the trendy house crowd. In the aftermath of house parties, The Netherlands has the most intimate and friendliest atmosphere found in some the finest music halls in the world. $fff|1-Some stuff ya should know... $faa HardCore heads will prefer Rotterdam $ffa Expect your nights to get a bit hazy as the early hours of the morning move in. $faa Amesterdam is the home of canals, tulips, wacky bangin` and pumipn` parties! $ffa Before doing anything, grab a beer and plan your clubbin` route at one of Amsterdam`s cosy street cafes. $faa Holland`s more pragmatic approach to recreational drug use may raise a few eyebrows but it saves lives; in The Netherlands Ecstasy users are not prosecuted but rather encouraged to test the purity of their pills at special clinics or stalls. $fff |1- Holland`s Top 10 Club DJs $ffa 1. Dimitri (club) 2. Remy (trance) 3. Marcello (club) 4. 100% Isis (club) 5. Eddy da Clercq (club & garage) 6. Joost van Bellen (garage) 7. Quinten (garage) 8. Ronald Moelndijk (club) 9. Miss Monica (old skool) 10. Per (club & trance) $faa If you live in or around Holland you probably know all of the stuff above. If ya don`t I thiink ya should get out a bit more! I don`t know if the above information is totally correct, ie. Club names [mostly]. $fff Happy Clubbing!! Slipmatt/NFA End. 10/e12-CumSoon!.txt-R&):06-GetShorty.txt-$afa|1-Get Shorty $fff By Dead Head / NFA This is John Travolta's latest film since his revival in Pulp Fiction, and to be honest he does a pretty good job along side Gene Hackmen and Danny Devito to name but a few. The story tells of a Loan Shark Chilli Palmer (Travolta) who's boss dies and so he gets taken over by another guy (incidently they all have stupid names), now Chilli doesn't like this guy and so goes to LA to get some cash off a movie producer. Whilst there Chilli gets the feel for the movie business and decides he wants to produce. He then sets about selling his idea to Gene, as well as recovering the money. Other crooks abound as the story of loan sharking intermingles with the movie plot. This story works well with some good bits of humour, the language is a bit strong (F*CK this and that). The humour is very good but more of an adult nature, so kids out there might not get some of the gags. Now saying that there are some bits in between where the action is slow, but generally a good humourous film. Overall Rating 7/10 Watch out for the Travolta walk! End ~}|2 ^Bp~4B 06-Good_Contax.txt-$ffa|2- Good Contax $fff By Slipmatt Of /\/FA $fafHere is a list of SOME good contax, not just for Amiga for anything; $ffa To start us off I thought I`d put ME down, coz I`m a good contact. To swap anything really, plus if ya into HardCore like me! Then I`m the best contact anyone could ask for, I have well over 650 tunes! HardCore, Jungle, Techno style! Or just write to swap some warez: $affSlipmatt/NFA 59 Mesnes Avenue, Please write if ya live in Germany or Holland, Worsley Mesnes, coz the HardCore/Techno there is well smart. Wigan, Lancs, WN3 5TL, England, U.K $faf Next up I think we will have a PD House.... errrr, yes Mon PD! Aswell as being the official NFA distributors this is a brilliant PD House, also they stock up loadsa wares PLUS they stock CD`s to! And if thats not good enough, ya get to choose one free disk for every ten ordered!!! Hurrah!!! $ffaRich & Kev/Mon PD 9 Lon y Wylan, Llanfairpwll, Ynys Mon, Gwynedd, LL61 5JU. $aff Okay I think we`ll stick to PD House`s now. So next up I think will be 17 Bit Software... Wow! What a PD House, this is brilliant they stock hundreds of thousands of wares and CDROM Titles, if ya can`t find at 17 Bit Software, it doesn`t exsist! $faf17 Bit Software, 1st Floor Offices, 2/8 Market Street, Wakefield, West Yorkshire, WF1 1DH. $afa So we`ll carry on and on with the PD House`s, the next one to get the "Good Contact" treatment is EPIC Software. ECIP Software are another big name when it comes to Public Domain. Just like 17 Bit, they stock a wide range of good wares and CDROM Titles. $faaEPIC Marketing, 1st Floor Offices, 138 - 139 Victoria Road, Swindon, Wilts, SN1 3BU, U.K $ffa Well, another great PD House is Active Software, again Active Software have alot of quality PD Software, aswell as having a good range of CDROM Software, and if ya buy 10 PD Titles ya get one free. $faa Active Software, Enquiries@active2.dmon.co.uk Dept AF5, P.O Box 151, Darlingto, County Durham, DL3 8YT $afa I think this will be the last PD House, then we`ll move onto something else. So, the last PD House will be... Sadeness PD. This is another good quality Public Domain supplier. Again this is a PD House that supplys a good range of wares for any Amiga owner; demos, anims, clipart, you know the score. $faf Sadeness PD, 13 Russel Terrace, Mundesley, Norfolk, NR11 8LJ $ffa Okay now we`ll go onto something differrent now, I think it will be... record labels. A good record label is all about having good records behind it, also having a good reputation of porducing good records makes a good label. A perfect example of this is none other then the well respected Fantazia. This label has been going as long as I can remember with loadsa raves behind it, videos it`s own designer clothes label this is a good label to get in touch with. $faa Fantazia, PO Box 238, Cheltanham, Glos, GL52 6XT. $ffa Another good label is Club Tools, out of Germany. It is Scooter`s label and theres nothing much else I can say about this label. $aaf Club Tools c/o Edel Comapny. P.O Box 520151, 22591 Hamburg, Germany. $fff The next label has had a good reputation over the last few years or so. XL Recordings is the label for The Prodigy! Fame hit Prodigy this year with that brilliant song "FireStarter" which made people in clubs up and down the country jump around with there tongues out when the song was played! $faa XL Recordings, 17 - 19 Alma Road, London, SW18 1AA. Tel: (0181) 8707511 $afa The next label up. Cub Scene, is very well known for producing the best in dance music. Producing all of Ulatr Sonic`s songs, aswell as having produced The Sound Of Club Kinetic Vol. I and II. Expect more pupming tunes from this label! $aaf ClubScene Records, P.O Box 11, Bathgate, Scotland, EH48 1RX. $ffa This is the last contact I`m going to do and its... SugarCube Recordings out of Scotland. This new label has only got a few songs behind it`s name, all of them more or less large tunes. You should expect something big from these scotish lads. Also if ya fancy being rich, famous and have loadsa chix runnin` after ya send ya demo tapes to: $aff SugarCube Recordings, P.O Box 0-56, Scotland, ML1 3UE. $faf Also take note if ya going to send a demo tape make sure it`s HOUSE. They won`t accept and HardCore, Techno or Jungle! And if ya do send a tape and it gets released, just remember who give ya the address!!! $fff Slipmatt Of /\/FA! $aff If you have any good contax send `um to me at the address at the top. There will be more good contax next issue. $fff End.      D J.):06-HomeCinemaReview.txt-$faf|1-Home Cinema Review $fff By Bolty I'm not sure about the exact system specs, as it is my friend's, and I have only seen a couple of films on it. I am also no hi-fi specialist so you will have to bear with me if I don't know what I'm talking about. TV: Sony. Very, very, very big. But not one of those crappy projection screens. Price estimate: 1500-2500 Video: Panasonic SVHS, probably about 500 Satellite: 1 meter motorised dish with fancy decoder and all channels via pirate cards. 500-1000 Laser Disc Player: Yamaha, automatically swaps sides, but only holds 1 disk. About 1000 Amplifier: Another Yamaha, with all the Dolby Pro Logic Surround type stuff, priced at just over 1000 CD Player: Didn't really see it, but it probably cost nearly 1000 Speakers: 1 Centre speaker containing one large 8"-ish woofer and a couple of smaller cones. Main left and right speakers where housed in floor standing columns about 5 feet high and a foot wide. Each contained 6 cones of varying sizes. The main bass unit was about the size of a couple of large tower PCs next to each other. There were also a couple of smaller wall mounted rear speakers. lots Connecting Wires: Eg. Set of 3 metre long phono to phono cables, as thick as hose pipes, 100. Erm, mine were 2.99 from Tandy. Before watching the main film of the day, Last Action Hero, we had a quick flick through the laser disc collection first and played a few clips. First up was T2. The music at the start of the film was amazing, better and much louder than any cinema, with incredible rumbling bass. There were a few shots of the nuclear waste ground etc, then a terminator foot suddenly crashes down in front of the camera. I shit my sides and threw coke all over the place. I soon realised that the music had been quiet. We then watched a couple of extra clips not on the normal video version, including one where Sarah gets seriously beaten up or raped (I can't remember now) at the looney house, which gives you more sympathy for her. Next up we watched a few scenes from Return Of The Jedi, such as the speeder bikes and the Millennium Falcon flying around inside a Deathstar or something. Most of the films on laser disc are in very wide screen, exactly the same as the cinema, which also enhances the films. The telly is so big, and you are sat so close that the big black bands don't matter. The films usually come on 2 double sided discs, the same size as LPs, with the little labels in the middle. They can be bought from large record shops or specialist dealers for about 50-70. As they are digital and non-destructively compressed the picture quality and sound are perfect. The main disadvantage is swapping discs half way through the film, although you can get players that do this automatically. On cheaper players you have to manually turn over the disc too, which would be very irritating. The discs are divided up into "chapters", similar to tracks on a CD. There are about 20-50 of these per film, together with a list on the LP style sleeve, which enable you to pick out all the decent action/sex scenes quickly. The upcoming digital video standard should make laser disc obsolete though. This will supposedly be the size of a CD, re-recordable, with a few gigs of space. The quality is not quite perfect, but will probably be similar to JPEG, where you can't tell the difference. The format will also eventually replace CDs on computers. I had already seen Last Action Hero on VHS video on a mono 25" telly at home, so the difference was incredible. One problem though through out the film was that the constant, low rumbling bass was nearly making me feel physically sick. If you put your hands in front of the pipe on the bass woofer, the air flow was comparable to that from a hand drier. I didn't really notice the supposed Dolby Pro Logic stuff, and I was sat in the centre of the room in the best seat. Even when a plane flew over from left to right, the effect was barely noticable. This was probably due to the weedy rear speakers, and all the front speakers being so loud and close together. Taking a closer look at the TV though, the picture isn't really that good. The tiny little green red and blue bars you can just about see on a normal telly were massive. This was hardly noticable from a normal viewing distance though. Having a go with the satellite system it suffered from the same irritation as all the others I have seen. It takes 2 or 3 seconds to lock onto and decode each channel, which makes my favourite past time of channel flicking very frustrating, especially when you have 500 to pick from. Moving the dish to point to another satellite is quite quick though. When I got back home our TV (recently upgraded to stereo) sounded very quiet and tinny and horrible. So to sum up, this stuff is pretty amazing, and is fine if you are extremely wealthy. If, however, you get obsessed with it and reduce yourself to running around in a clapped out B-reg Nissan Micra to pay for the stuff (like my mate's parents) then you probably have some sort of problem. End ba`_^]\[ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFE+ c"\0 06-Music.txt-$afa|2-Music Reviews $faa By Slipmatt/NFA This is a review of all the latest released dance tunes. They have been placed under a catagory which makes it easier for you. These are; House & Garage, HardCore, Jungle & BreakBeat, and Techno & Trance. There are three reviews under each with a Tune Of The Month for each. All tunes have all information needed ie.. Artist, Title and Label. Now you know all you need to know lets get reviewing! $fff|1-House & Garage... $ffaArtist : Sharp Tools Vol.1 Title : Untitled Label : The Same Hippies Deep house from Germany. All these tracks are as yet untitled, but they're all pumping and in the old skool UK style. From the same home of Germany's Do Or Die label, this is going to become one of Germany's best house labels if it keeps going at this rate. All tracks are simple constructed, the Germany way... Brilliantly! Look out for this one! Artist : Dilemma Title : In Spirit Label : FFRR Currently one of the most prolific of the UK labels, FFRR are providing a host of excellent quality club cuts for our enjoyment. Dilemma is no different, relying on a softly sung word and a haunting hook-line to take us away into a musical magic land. Strings, pipes, pianos and the meaty Euro drum are the main players supporting this dreamy song, which comes in different formats. On the B-side the Biff & Memphis mix has its roots particially in jungle with the use of a funky breakbeat, while the original mix is slowed down to provide a plodding affair with extra "War Of The Worlds" type male vocal input. The most instant mix though, is the Adam & Eve mix, fitting into most DJs' sets and leaving them without a Dilemma for a quality tune. Artist : Mousse T Title : Come And Get It Label : Peppermint Jam Records Mousse T is one of Germany's premier producers and remixes on the house scene with his work causing big waves stateside. This is an excellent example that you don`t have to be American to make American house. The four tracks influenced by many things including soul, funk, Detroit and mostly Chicago house. Mousse T is going to be the name to look out for this year, for big things commeth his way. Only the finest ingredients are used by this smart cookie! |1-House Tune Of The Month Artist : MBG Feat. Mata J Title : Climbing On Top Of Love Label : Grass Green Record of the month honours this month go to a little unknown UK label who have once again come up with a truly awesome cut that is so groovy, you not be able to resist it. In many people's minds the most improtant thing in a dance record is the bass-line, which if played properly is the killer content and backbone of any tune, allowing all the msuic and melodies to be placed around the unused space. And if you want to know what I'm talking about pick up a copy and find out for yourself. A truly awesome tune all round and hopefully a classic in clubland. |1-HardCore Heaven & Hell Artist : DJ Freak (NOT! Freak/NFA!) Title : Noise Emission Label : Storm Number three from Scotlands hardest label, and this thime DJ Freak reminds us of why he's become one of the most sought after producers in the gabbasphere - watch out for his release on Industrial Strength! This release, though, is one of those destined to raise eyebrows and send shivers down spines where it's heard. Fuck off kick-drums from the realm of Satan and overdrive on the reverb, feedback and distortion to create the ultimate hardcore apocalypse. Awesome! The Jeff Mills of HardCore! Artist : DJ Fury Title : All I Ever Wanted/Soundflow Label : Stompin' Choonz DJ Fury is the absolute dogs' bollocks for producing top quality tracks and this is no exception. Starts off with some well cut up breaks and a pounding kick-drum. Rools straight on to an uplifting piano break which slows down and then explodes into something else! On the flip side maybe abounds with Soundflow. |1-Hard Tune Of The Month Artist : DJ DNA Title : Go Insane/Still Smouldering Label : New Sensation Go Insane kicks off with samples from Feel The Panic then rolls in with a super kick-drum, before belting into one of the catchiest stabs I've heard for a while. Then it moves on to a huge piano breakdown which is guaranted to blow your socks off. Still Smouldering is basicallt a re-worked version of Keep The Fires Burning by The House Crew (an old classic). Search this out and you`ll not be disappointed! |1-Jungle And BreakBeat Artist : Benny Blanco Title : Remember Me Label : Back 2 Basics Start with a dreamy intro and builds up to a very distinctive, bouncy breakbeat. The words drum and bass are not the question as the Back 2 Basics crew come with a roller. Using the vocal from the film Carlitos Way gives this tune that jump up feeling. Artist : DJ SS & Krust Title : Set Speed Remixes Label : V Recordings Two good quality remixes here on the classic tune. The Krust remix is very much like the orginal with the odd extra phat break break and bass-line. Simple. But when it's done this well, who cares? The SS remix continues his reign as the man with the plan, as he creates yet another stormer, but the question has to be asked - how much can you improve on the original? Artist : Pulse & Tango Title : Let The Hustlers Play Label : Moving Shadow Yes, as Pulse & Tango deliver the true style on Moving Shadow with some serious trumpet and bass alongside some nice sax licks, sounding off to create this floating, ruff rhythm, but don't be fooled by the intro as the "baby" vocals lead into some serious rolling breaks. As the breaks roll in with the true rhythm and meaning, with nice accompanying piano riffs which makes you slip `n' slide into another world! |1-Jungle Tune Of The Month Artist : Black Star Liner Title : Harmon Session Special XI Label : Slice Promotions Top-notch recordings form Leeds' Black Star Liner, merging the best touchy-feely bits from Massive Attack's Karmacoma with metal box era PIL. A truly exceptional concocation, with ace dub and jungle remixes from Kid Loop and The Rootsman. Sassy, sexy and slender, if Black Star Liner were gangsters they'd be Bonnie and Clyde. Get passionate about this! |1-Techno And Trance Artist : D-Knox Title : Maya Illusion EP Label : US Sonic Mind Another fine collection of abstract techno experiment from a fast emerging artist. Personal favourites from the earlier suring title track Maya Illusion and the pneumatic head-fuck of Mind Speeds, although all five cuts are individually acceptable. Well worth tracking down if you're not scared off by something which dares to be different. Artist : Surgeon Title : Muggerscum Out Label : Smoa Fresh from remixing Dave Clarke, The Surgeon delivers his first for Soma. Distortion is the order of the day, but it comes accross in a groovy way. Coaster being the favourite on this single, chugging along for a while before unleashing a hevier kick-drum from hell - it;s sure to get the house shakin'. Many have high expectations of this guy for 1996, and I'm sure all the buzz is justified. Watch out for much more! Artist : Ratio Title : Transfer Label : Austrilian-Central What we have here is a useful six-tracker which draws inspiration from the various from the sparse styles and patterns which characterise much of the H & M output, so much so that, if I'm not mistaken, they've even sampled a loop from the Humana EP, Heaven Forbid. Still, they've worked it well within their own creation and they're certainly continuing the musical line of the original so I guess they can be forgiven for their crime. |1-Techno Tune Of The Month Artist : Green Velvet Title : Flash (Remixes) Label : Open Initially on domestic release last autumn but in a very limited quantity, this record is now sure to cross into many many clubs the length and breath of the land who missed out the first around, though there are two new mixes which are rather tasty: Carl Craig turns and mentally twists his groove throught an epic workout of the original vibe. The Roach Motal mix carters for that different wild pitch style sort of groove - nice! Well done to the lads at Open to push this record to where it should be - tops! Now lets hope that you are now a bit wiser and now you can go out and buy one of the tunes reviewed, coz there all new released! $fff Slipmatt End ٫*):06-RedDwarf1.Txt-$faf|2-Red Dwarf $f8f|1-Seasons 1 & 2 $fff By Unknown Author Arnold Judas Rimmer (2nd Technician, leader of Z shift, smeghead and most unpopular man on the ship) and Dave Lister (lowest rank on ship) work aboard the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf repairing the chicken soup vending machines. Rimmer has filed 247 complaints...against Lister, 123 for insulting a superior technician, 39 for dereliction of duty, 84 for general insubordination and 1 for mutiny. Lister smuggles a Cat (Frankenstein) on board and as punishment for this act is placed in stasis until the ship returns to Earth. Unfortunately, while Rimmer is being reprimanded by the Captain for failing to repair a drive plate cover correctly an explosion caused by an incorrectly repaired drive cover floods the ship with radiation killing everyone aboard except Lister (in stasis) and Frankenstein (hidden in the ships radiation proof hold). Holly the ships computer releases Lister from stasis and tells him that he was in there for three million years. Everyone Lister knew aboard the Red Dwarf has been reduced to heaps of albino mouse droppings and Holly who once had an IQ of 6000 is now computer senile. To stop Lister going nuts and eating the mouse droppings Holly brings Rimmer back as a hologram. They soon encounter the Cat, the last member of a felinoid race descended from the holy mother (Frankenstein). Lister decides to return to Earth even though the human race may have perished by now. |1-Season 1 FUTURE ECHOE Holly calculates the course back to Earth turns the ship around and accelerates to light speed. The ship breaks the light barrier twenty-three hours early and the crew begin to experience echoes of events that haven't happened yet including Rimmer witnessing what appears to be Lister's death. Lister also discovers that he is going to have twin boys and that Rimmer saw his grandson's death. Rimmer asks Lister "How are you going to have two kids without a woman aboard?" to which Lister replies "I don't know, but it's going to be fun finding out". BALANCE OF POWER Lister is fed up with Rimmer ordering him about and refusing to give him Christine Kochanski's hologram disk. So he devises a plan to get commissioned as an officer by passing the chefs exam. "It might only be a smegging cook but at least it outranks you Rimmer". Rimmer tries several increasingly desperate dirty tricks to put Lister off but fails. WAITING FOR GO The funniest thing that has happened in the last three million years is that Lister lied to Rimmer about passing the chefs exam. Lister reads the cat race's holy book and discovers that he is their God. A mystery pod is recovered by Red Dwarf and Rimmer becomes convinced that the barely recognisable markings on its side are a form of alien writing. Holly knows it's a garbage pod but doesn't tell Rimmer because he's such a smeghead. Rimmer spends the next month (while the pod is decontaminating) convinced that the aliens will give him a new body. Lister follows the Cat and meets the only other surviving member of the cat race an old priest who has lost his faith and regains it after talking to Lister just before he dies. Lister opens the garbage pod and reveals the body of the quagar warrior (Rimmer named the race) that bears a more than passing resemblance to a dead chicken. CONFIDENCE & PARANOIA Lister in a moment of libido induced soul searching goes up to the officer's decks where Chrissie used to live. He comes back feeling unwell but not before discovering some important information about their relationship. His illness has been caused by residual radiation from the explosion that wiped out the crew. The illness has mutated and after falling into a coma Lister's dreams become real and wander around the ship. His dreams of fish rain (leading to one full cat) and an exploding mayor are only a prelude to what he finds when he awakes. People representing his confidence and paranoia have appeared in the Drive Room. Lister and his confidence go searching for Chrissie's hologram disk that Rimmer has hidden. Lister's ego murders his paranoia by stuffing him into a garbage masher and then accidently kills himself while trying to prove that only losers need oxygen. ME2 Two Arnold Rimmers! What could be worse? Rimmer has copied his own hologram disk onto Chrissie's (which Lister finally managed to find) and now there are two Rimmer's. They move in together but soon discover that the even Rimmer doesn't like Rimmer and a slanging match ensues. The final solution? One Rimmer must go, but which one has his plug pulled? And why was "Gazpatcho soup" Rimmer's last word before his death? All this and Rimmer's confessions in this not to be reheated episode. |1-Season 2 KRYTEN The crew discover the wreckage of the Nova-5, a ship creating an advert for the Coca-Cola company, that has crashed onto a small planetoid. The crew (?) of the Red Dwarf commanded by Captain Rimmer Space Adventurer are on the pull after learning that the survivors of the Nova-5 are three attractive women in need of urgent medical assistance. Unfortunately, Kryten is unaware of the fact that the women are already dead a fact indicated by them being skeletons. As Rimmer puts it, "They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget(tm)". They take Kryten back to the Dwarf where Lister enrols him in a course in Advanced Rebellion. Kryten eventually borrows Lister's space bike and leaves to joyride around the asteroids. BETTER THAN LIFE Boredom is one of the things that can very quickly overtake you, me and the crew of the Red Dwarf. So they greet the arrival of a post pod that has been tracking them for three million years (only three million years, not bad for second class post) (any jiffies? - PeX) with some enthusiasm. Rimmer receives a bill for 8500 dollar pounds from the Outland Revenue Service (ORS). Lister discovers that Rimmer's mother has terrible writing and that Rimmer's father is dad (dead?), he died peacefully in his jeep (sleep?). Lister also gets a cassette of two whole seasons of Zero-G football but the real prize is a copy of the game "Better than Life" which is a banned total immersion video (Virtual Reality game). By inserting probes into you hyperthalamus and frontal lobes you can actually enter a virtual world and live out your dreams. Rimmer, Lister, the Cat and Holly all enter the game. But soon Rimmer's cancerous imagination starts taking over and ruins the game culminating in Arnold receiving a visit from the ORS man and his playful (fun size) 15lb heavy duty finger crunching sledgehammer...."Now where are those pinkies". THANKS FOR THE MEMORY Lister, Rimmer, the Cat and Holly all wake up after Rimmer's death anniversary party to find that they have lost three days and both Lister and the Cat have broken legs. The black box flight recorder is missing but they trace it to a small asteroid where it is buried in a grave marked, "To the memory of the memory of Lisa Yates". they also discover huge footprints. Have they been contacted by aliens? Whose are the giant footprints? Who is Lisa Yates and whose girlfriend was she? Who finished Lister's jigsaw? STASIS LEAK According to Rimmer's diary one day while he was still alive he saw his head come out of a table and warn him that he would be dead in three million years time if he didn't watch out. Was this the holographic Rimmer trying to save himself from his imminent death or merely the after-effects of the Freaky Fungus that Lister had given him for breakfast? What was the stasis leak and will it allow the crew to travel back in time and save someone by getting them into the second stasis booth aboard the Red Dwarf? Will Rimmer try to save his worthless life or can Lister and the Cat find and save Chrissie. But Chrissie has got married and Lister's hopes of a life with her seem to be dashed. But the groom turns out be be Lister from even further in the future and with him is another Rimmer... QUEEG Is Holly Computer Senile? Has the Red Dwarf been travelling in circles for the last six months? These are the charges made by Queeg, the Red Dwarf back-up computer before it assumes control of the ship. Holly is pensioned off and given light duties as night watchman (watchcomputer?). Queeg has a different approach to Holly and seems to think that the crew should work if they want to eat. Queeg makes Lister's, Rimmer's and especially the Cat's life a misery. The Cat is dying of tiredness, shame and colour co-ordination problems caused by having to work. Holly must prove his worthiness to run the ship by beating Queeg at chess. The stakes are that the looser is to be wiped. The only trouble is that Holly has lost... DOUBLE TROUBLE Can it really be true, has Holly really developed a working hyperdrive (the Holly-Hop drive) that can take them straight back to Earth? Yep...well almost...the Red Dwarf has been transported to another dimension containing another Red Dwarf, crewed by female counterparts of our heroes. The Cat's dearest wish to meet a female seems to have been granted. "Rimmer - female counterpart, Lister - female counterpart, what about me buddy?", "Oh, it's hiding on the cargo decks" replies the female Lister and the Cat tears off down the corridor with his libido in tow. Lister is well pleased, until he discovers that a female him is a little repellent. Rimmer is not at all happy, his creepy female counterpart wants to get him into the sack so fast that his feet won't touch the ground. Holly, meanwhile, is attempting to repair the Holly-Hop drive with the aid of his female counterpart Hilly. Shock horror! Lister awakes to find that in a drunken stupor, Lister got Lister into bed and Lister is now pregnant with Lister's child. They're in the female universe and there men get pregnant so Lister (male) is not at all happy. End Ӱ#/\" 12-IFFAds2.pak-! A):M06-RedDwarf2.txt-$faf|2-Red Dwarf $f8f|1-Seasons 3,4 & 5 $fff By Unknown Author $faf|1-Season 3 $fffRed Dwarf III The Saga Continues The Story So Far... Three Million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being alive discovers he is pregnant after a liason with his female self in a parallel universe. His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because the twins were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffer from highly accelerated growth rates, and are both eighteen years old within three days of being born. In order to save their lives, Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their father (a woman), and able to lead comparitively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen three days after your birth. Shortly afterwards, Kryten, the service mechanoid who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel the Nova 5 is found in pieces after his space bike crash lands onto an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the 'noid, but is unable to recapture his former personality. Meanwhile Holly, the increasingly erratic Red Dwarf computer, performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in love. And Now The Saga Continuums And Now The Saga Continuums... Red Dwarf III The Same Generation -Nearly - BACKWARDS While Rimmer is giving Kryten his StarBug driving test they encounter an "orange swirly thing" in space. It turns out to be a time hole that returns them to Earth. But Earth where time is running backwards. While waiting for rescue they get jobs as pub entertainers calling themselves the Fabulous Reverse Brothers. There forward talents create a great comedy routine for the people living backwards. Lister and the Cat (aka the smart party) find them and after a backwards pub brawl they return to Red Dwarf. But not before the Cat has experienced going behind a bush in a backwards world. MAROONED "Red alert, Red alert, Abandon Ship this is not a drill". Holly has detected five black holes near the Red Dwarf. The crew are going off in two StarBugs (Lister and Rimmer in One, the Cat and Kryten in the other) while Holly navigates Red Dwarf past the black holes. Not long after takeoff the StarBug carrying Lister and Rimmer is hit by a meteor and crashes onto an iceworld. Lister has to face the fact that he will soon freeze to death with a man who prizes his wooden chest more than a man's life. Will the Cat and Kryten find them before Lister is forced to eat the dreaded Pot Noodle? POLYMORPH A genetic mutant escapes from a pod and invades Red Dwarf drawn to the emotions of the crew on which it wants to feed. It confronts Lister as a seven foot high armour plated alien killing machine and attacks literally eating his fear. He awakes with no fear, willing to destroy anyone and everyone or even the ship to kill the thing. After Lister and Rimmer have been sudated the Cat and Kryten go hunting the mutant armed with heat-seeking bazookoids. It gets the Cat by appealing to his vanity and then eating it. Kryten's guilt is his undoing and Rimmer succumbs due to his anger. Having enjoyed it's meal of fear, vanity, guilt and anger the polymorph goes down to the cargo decks to sleep it off. After a short discussion group chaired by Rimmer the hunt is back on. But, what about the maverick bazookoid shells left over from the first hunt? BODYSWAP One of the Scutters has gone mad and rewired the whole ship, losing the self-destruct mechanism in the process. Lister is dying for a beer milkshake and a crispy bar, literally since the self-d