'Holly Does Hollywood' ? 'Wilma Does Stuttgart'? Nope. It's 'Crusaders Does Genesis' !! All music composed by Tony Banks, Mike Rutherford, Steve Hackett and Phil Collins. All Amiga conversions by Dr.Awesome. Code and graphics by Switchblade. Additional graphics handling by Rusc and Zeb. Yessir! It's that time again - time for some fun, for silly jokes and the odd Amiga tune..! It's those fargin Crusaders again, this time with a very very special kind of music disk. Before anything else, let's give a big hand to our latest members... ladies and gentlemen: M a d m a n the new Coder from Kristiansand Norway... (applause now) and our other fresh member: E N O , a coder from Oslo, Norway.... WHEEEE!! Welcome fellas! Wheeee! Listen, this is quite a long scroller coming up, so if you're planning to read all of it (absolutely NOT recommended), sit right back, make yourself comfortable, go get a coke from the fridge, light up a fag, and relax! Well ok, about this music disk - once again we have gone where no other groups have gone before us, once again we have done something completely new - it's the 'Crusaders does Genesis' music disk!! Consisting ONLY of converted Genesis tunes, this music disk is of course especially made for Genesis fans! If you don't like Genesis, you won't like this disk, so you might as well just erase it now... On the other hand, if you're a fan of old and new Genesis tunes, you will learn to love this disk like you love the band itself! Dr.Awesome has, during the last few months, converted all these Genesis tunes to the Amiga. Some of the songs are new, some are old, some are well known, some are only known to the REAL Genesis fans. The point is that they're all Genesis songs, no one before us have ever made a music disk using a concept like this. We assume there will be more of it in the future, now that we have once again blazed a trail for others to follow. For instance, who will do the '?????? does Pink Floyd' music disk? Who will do the '??????? does Michael Jackson'. Who will do '?????? does Technotronic'? Well allright, I know you all are expecting some jokes to appear in this scroller, so I guess I might as well give you the first one now... Ladies and Gentlemen - today's first joke! ---> Two old friends, Harold and Bill, were sitting in a pub talking about the old days etc. After a while, Bill says: 'You know, old friend - there's something I still haven't told you after all these years. I only have one eye.'. 'Sure', says Harold, 'Do you think I'm stupid or something? I'm looking at you right now, and I see two eyes! I'm willing to bet you 100 quid, that you have 2 eyes!'. 'Fine!' says Bill, and picks out one of his eyes, which turns out to be a glass eye! 'I'll be damned' says Harold, 'Shit man here's your 100 quid..'. Bill takes the money and says: 'You know, there's one more thing, that I haven't told you.. I only have one ear!'. Harold laughs out loud and says: 'Yeah sure. I'll bet you another 100 quid that you have 2 ears, cos I'm looking at both your ears right now!'. 'Fine' says Bill, and rips off one of his ears, which turns out to be a plastic ear!! 'Shite allmighty - well here are your other 100 quid. Fuck - I've lost 200 quid tonight!'. Bill looks at Harold for a while, and says: 'Well I'll give you a chance to win them back. I'll bet you 200 quid that I only have one testicle!'. Harold thinks it over and says that's ok for him - his old time friend - only one testicle? No way! So the bet is on. Now, Bill didn't want to take off his clothes and show anyone his testicle(s) in the middle of a crowded pub, so he says 'We gotta go somewhere quiet, so I can show you that I only have one testicle. Meet me at 3:30 tomorrow morning in Hyde park, and I'll show you.' Harold agrees, and at 3:30 the next morning Harold and Bill meets in Hyde park to settle this rather strange bet. Does Bill have one testicle, or does he have two? He still doesn't want to pull down his pants or anything, so he tells Harold to come and feel it for himself. So he does - Harold puts his hand down Bill's pants, and feels his testicles. 'Hey! You DO have 2 testicles! I I knew it! I won! Give me my 200 quid!'. 'Fair enough', says Bill, 'I've made a 1000 bet with your wife, standing behind that tree, that I'd get you to rub my balls at 3:30 in the morning - in the middle of Hyde Park...' That's it... the tragic story of Harold and Bill.. and Harold's wife ... and Bill's balls... Right, well I think it's time for some helloes to a few nerds, before we go on to the next joke. In no particlular order, we send HI-HOE's to Brainstorm (Alex and Chester), Brian Postma and Seb Lentfert (The Timecircle fellas), Anarchy (Raistlin and Mole), Network (Joker), Johannes Norrmann, Martyn, Vad and Andy, Sector 4 (Heatbeat), Allister Brimble, Tama of Cycron, Amiga Freelancers (Zap, Quantarc and The Moose and The Mad Martian), Triumph (Wiseguy), Reaktor (Marc Panther), Ecstacy (Big Al and Havok), Ron Fonteine, Cannonball Express (Grant 'Isepic') Nukebusters (Blair 'Access II'), Vectors (Human Factor), Miranda (Devastator), Abusive (Mr.Techno), former Prime Minister Jan P. Syse, and all the rest of the Amiga world!! And of course a little special hello to Monotof of Storm, who sent us a nice, cool letter. And we didn't think the Storm guys were able to say anything more than 'The Fucking Best'. Well they obviously are - thanks Monotof, for showing us that even Storm have real Amiga freaks for members and they can be quite ok! Now, are we getting ready for joke number 2 ? We are? All right - here we go... no, wait - by the way, did you know that the one and only fabulous Official Crusaders EuroChart now comes with a separate jokes section with loads of cool jokes for every release...? You didn't? Well now you do. In addition to the EuroChart, you now get the fantastic new section 'EuroNews' with the HOTTEST news from the scene, and another section called 'The Gallery', stuffed full of pictures of the coolest guys from the scene!! Reet- o - here's another joke for you.. No wait a minute... did you know that this disk was released at the same time as another Crusaders music disk? The other one is called 'Mi-Cro Con-Cept' and will include 7 songs by Fleshbrain and Dr.Awesome, neat graphics by Rusc and Bustman, and some nifty coding by Dr.Claw. So contact your local, greedy, lousy, selfish, rip-off PD company today and give your money to them for a copy of our music disk, so that they may live happily on our work! While we're at it, I might as well mention that we are also planning an adventure game, of the good old-fashioned kind, with text input etc. and of course a few demoes just around the corner. Well, should we get on with the joke then? Here we go.. (This is a good one!) ... A guy entered a bar he'd never been to before. He noticed a monkey sitting by the bar, but didn't think much about it, he just wanted a beer, so he ordered one. The monkey kept looking at guy, and when he got his beer, the monkey seemed very interested in the beer - he kept staring at it. After a while, to the man's utter surprise, the monkey suddenly pulled out it's willie and urinated in the beer! The guy got furious of course, and asked the bartender who owned this godforsaken monkey.. 'The piano player owns him, he's over there playing right now.' the bartender says. The guy walks up to the piano player and says 'Hey, do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer ??!'. 'No', says the pianoplayer, 'But if you hum a few bars, I can fake it!' ..... great one, eh? This joke will also turn up in the next EuroChart - check the 'jokes' section!! Following now is a little story from the latest Crusaders internal meeting/party held at Rusc's place last week... Lazerbrain and Dr.Awesome were the first ones to arrive (except Rusc of course - he'd been there all the time, because he lives there... silly!) Lazerbrain had brought with him today's warez from the Po.Box, so we checked out a few new demos etc. while waiting for the other guys, and after about 1/2 hour, Dr.Outtasight and El Cubo appeared. We got out Rusc's video camera and started to film some GREAT sequences, like El Cubo taking a bath in EuroChart votes - we were of course planning to digitize a picture from the video and use it in the next EuroChart.. Another sequence showed Dr.Awesome taking a vote-shower. Some other great takes were made as well, and we had a hell job cleaning up the place afterwards - there were vote sheets, vote sheets and more vote sheets... wall-2-wall votes... Well, a few days later we noticed that all the film sequences were unuseable for digitizing, because they were too dark. So all the bathing and showering and filming was all a waste of time... Never mind, well we started drinking a bit - El Cubo hadn't brought any beer, so he had to go out and buy some, and get back in a hurry... Switchblade, Copper and Zuggly showed up in the meantime. After a few hours of talking bullshit, we got hungry, so we ordered some pizzas, which Copper and Zuggly went to pick up. The pizza was really tasty, but the problems showed up when it was time to pay for them. There were 7 guys who'd been eating pizza, and the total cost of the pizza's were about 380-something Norwegian Kroner. How much was that on each of us??? Some of the more mathematical guys started trying to figure it out. Most of us didn't even try - after a few beers etc, maths isn't my strongest point!! (Come to think of it, maths is never my strongest point...) Anyway, so after a lot of discussion, we decided to code a program that would calculate it for us, a specially designed Pizza Calculating program. El Cubo and Switchblade started coding immediately, and after 20 minutes we had 'PizzaCalc v.1.0' ready!! We were thinking of getting it released as commercial software and making loadsamoney on it. We could compete with Lotus 123 and MasterCalc etc. The marketing possibilities would be fantastic - just think how many pizza eaters there are in the world!!! If every pizza eater in the whole world bought their own copy of PizzaCalc - we'd all be mega-millionaires!! Sadly, as things went, PizzaCalc was released as PD, or rather 'PizzaWare'. That means YOU have the chance to use this fab program without paying so much as a penny. So get calculating, while you're waiting for 'The Pizza Composer' v.1.0 - another great pizza-utility we're planning! Ok, so we quite happily payed for the pizza and continued our much successful evening of cruising... Lazerbrain posed for the camera in some raaaaaather sexy positions (the tape can be bought from the Crusaders HQ for an amount to be agreed upon..), the drinks went down quite smoothly. El Cubo and Dr.Outtasight sodded off (as usual) to install a 'door' on our board. Switchblade and Dr.Awesome had a few rounds of 'Lotus Espirit' (much to Dr.Awesome's utter success :-) , Copper and Zuggly talked about the demo they're supposed to be making, the demo they've been talking about for about 8 months, but no-one has seen anything of anyway. Maybe it will be released in 1996 or something.. :-) And Rusc's non-Amiga friend came to visit, with a big monster dog that smelled fucking DISGUSTING and kept on drooling on everyone. Next time I'm going to Rusc's place, I'm bringing an anti-dog device of some sort!! And something to hold over my nose if the fucking stink-bomb of a dog should turn up. Well, luckily, the fella and his utterly sickening beast didn't stay too long, but even after he left, it was easy to see that the spirit had dropped a great deal - the night was more or less ruined. Maybe it wasn't all that bad - we'd been partying for 10 hours or so (some of us anyway), maybe it was time to go home anyway... So we all went home, Dr.Awesome and Lazerbrain went to Dr.A's place and watched a couple of video films before going to bed at about 6 in the morning (but hey - what are weekends for?) That concluded the story of the latest Crusaders internal party - all in all a decent way to spend a day and a night. Just too bad those film sequences weren't 'digitizeable'!!! Fellas - it's sad but true - this scroller has to come to an end, just like everything else... and the end is closing in... Oh, wait a minute! I just called Dr.Outtasight, who just came back from London and apparently he's (finally) got hold of the 'Best of Eddie Murphy' video ! Wheeee! We've been looking all over for that tape for a long time now.. it's a collection of his best stuff from the good-old days of Saturday Night Live etc. He also got me a giant 'Calvin and Hobbes' book, and the book that the game 'Neuromancer' was made after! Yippiieee! Ok, well anyway - we leave you with a big MERRY XMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR to A L L Amiga freaks around the globe. See you in the next Crusaders production - probably the EuroChart 1st of January 1990!!! Scrolltext restarting ... sod off ... ... .... ....YEAH!!TO CUT ALL THE USUAL INTRODUCTION BULLY I WILL JUST TELL YOU THAT THIS IS A TIRED BUSTMAN AT THE LATEST NORWEGIAN PARTY... HELD BY NETWORK AND SOME OTHER DUDES. TO SAY IT STRAIGHT AND FORWARD, THIS IS NOT THE BEST PARTY THAT I HAVE BEEN TO. IN FACT, THIS IS PROBABLY THE WORST PARTY I HAVE VISITEDEVER. BUT SO WHAT?!? I HAVE MET SOME OK PARTY-POOPS, SO IT CAN NOT BE THAT BAD.JUST TO MENTION THISGUY CALLED SOMETHING AS FREEKING AS DR.NESEBUSE/MEGAEXPO OR SUMMAT... SHIT!! IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE CREDITS THEN THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT PLACE. CREDITS WILL MORE ORLESS BE AVAILABLE ATANOTHER SCROLLER, SO WHY BOTHER?!?! HEY, JUST GOT TO MENTION THAT I DID THIS CUTE CHARSET. USE IT OR DIE!!! SWITCHBLADE IS SITTING HIGH-DOPED BESIDES ME... I AM SURE HE WANTS TO CONTINUE HIS WORK!!! TO WRITE A SPECIAL MOMENT-RAPORT AT THIS PARTY, I MUST SAY THAT I HAVE SOME EXTREME PROBLEMS TRYING TO STAY AWAKE AT ALL. MY HEAD IS LIKE A BAG FULL OF POTATOES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!! SOME OTHER GUYS HERE SEEM TO HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS... BEFORE I END THIS, I WILL FART OUT SOME PARTY-GREETINGS TO SOME OF MY MATES I TALKED TO... A HI TO FLUSH OF PMC THAT I EXCHANGED A BUNCH OF WORDS WITH. A HI TO THE GENIUS OF NO LIMITS. NICE CHATTING WITH YOU. HELLO TO ALL MEMBERS OF CRUSADERS, NICE MEETING ALL OF YOU AGAIN TOO... OK, NOW I GOT TO END THIS PIECE OF SHIT BECOZ SWITCHBLADE IS REALLY LONGING TO CONTINUE THE CODE OF THIS DISK!! SO LONG DUDES...